Cole's guide to awkward social situations (Cum-Pleet)

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Cole's guide to awkward social situations (Cum-Pleet)

Postby Cole » Sat Mar 12, 2005 8:49 am

to see how each idea came about, select area betwixt the *s. like so *Voila*

1) Never walk up to your friend's sister, point to your obvious erection, and say, "This bone's for you." 'Specially when she's four. *(Idea from boredom)*

2)Wearing the same dress to a wedding as your wife is a major social faux pas. *(idea from Family Guy)*

3)KD Lang tickets, old fish heads, and flannel shirts may seem like prime Dyke bait but.... They are not. Japanese Fighting Dykes, while an intriguing terrarium to have in a sitting room, are too much trouble to maintain. *(Idea from Flem Comics)*

4)When introduced to the wife of your boss, do not ask how much it cost to have her lip electrolysis done. Quietly inquire of her stylist. they are always willing to part with juicy gossip. *(Idea from boredom)*

5)Men, make sure your parents are truly not home before trying on your mother's lingerie and making yourself feel 'pretty.' *(Idea from boredom)*

6)Women, your group treks to the bathroom are truly the reason all men are sure women are bisexual. we all know you're all up in there having a lesbian orgy. why else would you use the restroom in packs? *(Idea from boredom)*

7)When out at a pub with your friends, do not grope random strangers. save your ones and grope random strippers. even if you get thrown out, you might just end up with a new girlfriend for the night. *(Idea from boredom)*

8)When courting a woman, lighting your name in fire on her lawn is not a good way to go about it. instead, kidnap her and have your name tattooed above her vagina with an arrow pointing down, saying, "This belongs to ____. Tresspassers will be prosecuted." *(Idea from boredom)*

9)While shagging your girlfriend on the hood of a car is always fun, doing so on the officer's hood who pulled you over is not so fun. *(Idea from boredom)*

10)While running a webcomic seems like a good idea, the truth is only the lowest of artists do this. those who do so are never going to get married/laid. it would be better to work for Microsoft as an advertisement artist. at least that way, you're already hating yourself as well as everyone else hating you.^_^ *(Idea from boredom)*

11)Dissecting young children to see if they are really made of sugar, spice, and everything nice or snips, snails, and puppy dog tails, while a noble scientific pursuit, is strangely illegal in this country. I suggest you move to a third world, buy some children, easily attained for less than ten dollars a head, and pursue your noble goal in this fashion. *(Idea from boredom)*

12)Though sleeping with your girlfriend's slutty hot mom is always an exciting proposition, explaining to your girlfriend that her mother gave you chlamydia and you gave it to her is not as exciting. It is more a harrowing ordeal to be avoided. *(Idea from boredom)*

13)When awoken in bed by your roommate because you're late, do not try to pass off the KY Jelly, dildo, wig, makeup stained pillows, and stained sheets as evidence of a female companion. either admit you were experimenting or pretend you were probed by aliens and they are trying to frame you so noone believes your alien story. no matter what, soon you'll no longer have a roommate unless he's gay. then you might have a different form of roommate. he'll sneak in nightly to seduce you. I suggest keeping your experimenting to cheap hotels, out of town bars, or vacations to 'special islands.' *(Idea from boredom)*

14)While being a pimp is always an amazing job to strive for, keeping your hoes in line can cause more wear and tear on the nerves than makes it worth your while. running a stable of animals is much easier. the exciting world of animal pimpery may be more your style. no matter your choice, I salute you and your perseverance. *(Idea from boredom)*

15)While ressurecting a dead post sounds like a good idea, IT IS NOT. bringing back the dead is BAD. Undead creatures are zombies and zombie posts are the worst of all. They're IMMUNE to shotguns and the other zombie hunting gear available. The only way to kill one is to sodomize the person who brought it back with a shotgun and blow HIS brains out. *(Idea from boredom)*

16)Starting a new post on something that was just discussed is almost as bad as raising Zombie posts. Doing so will unleash hordes of Forumites. Not as deadly as a Deadite, their collective stench will overpower and strip the skin off your wang. *(Idea from boredom)*

17)Ninja robots, while fascinating, are dangerous creatures. damage to their CPUs cause them to go all ronin. Therefore, the fielding of ninja robots in warfare IS illegal. Although, the fielding of robot ninjas is legal, therefore, a war of semantics is afoot. Tally ho. *(Idea from boredom)*

18)when embarking on your career as a supervillian, do be careful not to hire idiots to act as henchmen. former special forces and the like are your best choice for this as long as you pay them well. and when the hero is captured, don't be foolish and tell him your plan then leave him alone in a cell. execute him immediately then send his flayed skin back to his employers. this will make them angry and send more people but this is what you want. with the majority of their operatives dead, it makes it easier to infiltrate them. then you must have your "operative" come after you and bring back proof of your death. with his meteoric rise, he will soon be in command as a puppet head for you. from there, it's only a small hop and a step to taking over the US, then the World. I salute you sir, and hope that my service to you in the future does not go wrong. and I hope my advice here serves you well, master supreme potentate of the globe. *(Idea from Evil overlord List)*

19)When walking in on your parents having sadomasochistic sex on the dining room table, resist the urge to claw out your eyes. using a fork to gouge them out is faster and easier. *(Idea from Flem Comics)*

20)When propositioning a hooker, always check the immediate area for black vans, cheap body cars with official plates, or their pimps. if they give you any shit once you've made sure there are no police around, slap her around some. she's a whore and used to it. once that's done, fill her ass up with semen, stick a twenty in it, and walk out with your head held high. I mean, c'mon, you're satisfied and she's in pain. what could be better? *(Idea from boredom)*

21)Killing Emo kiddies is fun and surprisingly not illegal as long as you have a hunting license. stop by your local goth store and pick one up today. *(Idea from boredom)*

22)killing goth's is fun and surprisingly not illegal as long as they're wearing all black, white face powder, and black lipstick. no need for a license all you jocks, just get some broken beer bottles, baseball bats, and chains then go to town. *(Idea from boredom)*

23)When stalking a girl, always remember to carry stalker's best friend, a camera. remember, kiddies. it's not stalking when you have a camera, it's reporting then. have fun all you paparazzi. *(Idea from boredom)*

24)Date married women. you don't have to buy gifts, send flowers, or call everyday since if you do so, their husbands will realize they're being cuckolded. I salute your apathy and lust. Remember, married woman are always horny and willing to try new things. Their husbands aren't satisfying them and there you are, wearing tight jeans and driving a camaro.(And I DEFINITELY know this from experience;)) While this could be considered wrong, remember, it's not you committing noisy, dirty, nasty, and ever so amazing adultery, it's just her. And if she gets pregnant, you're off the hook. she'll just sleep with her husband and say it's his. ^_^ *(Idea from real life)*

25)Throwing up 'the horns' in sunday school, while amusing, is not very smart. you usually end up in remedial 'church love' classes, unable to listen to Rock and/or Roll due to its sexually suggestive lyrics. I suggest covertly throwing up the horns in the back of the room or writing suggestive material about the teacher and posting it on the bulletin boards around the church. make sure you wear surgical gloves. ^_^ *(Idea from Penny Arcade)*

26)Remember, when you catch a parent having an affair, BILK them for all you can get. whining, telling the other parent, or going to therapy is the wrong idea. therapy costs money and draws money away from that four monitor-and-a-projector-and-a-dual-proc system you've been dying for. especially if they're having a same-sex affair. Major blackmail there. ;) *(Idea from boredom)*

27)While a thong makes a good eyepatch, make sure the one you borrow from your mom is a clean one. Unless you lust for your mother in a very Oedipal way, using a dirty one could lead to an intimate moment you might not be prepared for. :ogle: *(Idea from boredom)*

28)When tempted to taste someone else's vomit, I suggest you don't. Just a suggestion, though. If you really feel the need, go ahead. Just don't say I didn't warn you. *(Idea from boredom)*

29)Murder. It can be a pleasing occupation when gone about properly. Do NOT befriend your targets or become involved with relatives of the target. Doing this will make it harder for you to do your job. Do make sure you DON'T keep some sort of trophy, as this can make it easier to catch you. I had a friend who kept the penis as a trophy of her kills. She was caught when a Federal Agent saw her severed Penis collection up on Ebay. Remember, learn from her mistakes and this guide. I'm here to help you. Also, remember to send donations via paypal to donations@coleblak.com. I suggest liquidating the gold of your victim's teeth and use that as a tithe amount. Also, use the body as a passenger. the carpool lane is so much easier. *(Idea from boredom)*

30)Knocking your mother into the hole in the basement and holding a rope fastened to a bucket above her, saying, "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again," while amusing, is not a good idea. After a while, you'll get hungry and who'll cook lunch for you? *(Idea from Silence of the Lambs)*

31)When waking up and finding a hot asian girl naked in your bed, don't accept her excuse of, "Well, your help with poetry was amazing so I decided to thank you." While this sounds good, you never told her where you lived in the first place. This is the place to start worrying. *(Idea from dream)*

32)When infiltrating a secret society at a privately run military school to find out what happened to a friend, refrain from mentioning him until you have a real reason to. Also, disallow anyone from being able to find where you went. Having your girlfriend, said friend's sister, track you down, will also help in blowing your cover. And when shooting a psycho in the back and he turnks into two shadow children, DO NOT FUCKING FOLLOW THEM. IT'S HOW THE BASTARDS GET YOU ALONE TO RIP OUT YOUR NECK AND SUCK YOUR LIFE SUSTAINING BLOOD OUT OF YOUR BODY. G'luck. I have some fucked up dreams :'( *(Idea from dream)*

33)When presented with the opportunity to hit it and forget it, I suggest you do so. In the long run, you'll be all the better for it. The experience will serve you well later on in life and when your new bride is unconscious from orgasms, you can tell her it is your first time and it looks like you've just got SKILLZ. *(Idea from boredom)*

34)When nodding off in class, don't try the lame route of drawing eyes on your eyelids or wearing glasses with eyes on them. Stand up, annouce out loud, "You're ruining my love of school, you bloody boring bastard," and walk the fuck out then go look at porn in the library. At least this way, you're not trying to snap awake and won't end up on the floor with a broken coccyx. *(Idea from boredom)*

35)When Babysitting, I suggest you keep Cole Pascal's line of AntiChildren Children's Books out of the reach of their hands. Though the imagery is all "fun" and "cartoony," the image of a used tampon is best for them to learn on their own when looking for something nummy to eat in their parents' bathroom rubbish bin. *(Idea from my own sick twisted fucked up yet totally delicious imagination)*

36)When it comes to violence in schools, remember; when a white boy pulls a gun at school, he's crazy. When a black kid pulls a gun, he's just taking care of business. Don't be that business.*(Idea from boredom)*

37)While teaching your sister's kids how to sing the neverending song is a fun idea to torture her, she'll get back by slipping fertility pills in your girlfriend's food and matching her BC up with placebos then she'll teach the song to your kids. I suggest either getting a vasectomy or just giving them loud instruments in your parents' names. *(Idea from boredom)*

38)When being seduced by your boss' wife, make sure you get her to secure you a promotion. as long as she's cuckolding him with a wet juicy blowjob under your desk, you might as well get another kind of raise at the same time. *(Idea from boredom)*

39)When propositioning your teenage neighbor to pose for your "art" site, throw out some names of famous celebs you've shot and show her some stills you've ordered off DeviantArt. She'll believe you're for real and you'll get some nice shots of her legs spread. *(Idea from boredom)*

40)When attempting to drive someone to commit suicide, use other people's credit cards to buy your supplies. While this is illegal, the time for a first timer with a conviction of credit card fraud or identity theft is much lower than the time you'll spend doing in prison when it comes to Murder charges. *(Idea from boredom)*

41)When writing children's literature, remember that they aren't ready for the words, ejaculate, mons, motherfuckingcumsuckingslutwhorecockjunkie, or jism. And even though Dildo Wagging Super Dyke is a fun term, it's not the right name for a child's reading primer. *(Idea from boredom)*

42)When home sick from school, lie, cheat, and steal to get your girlfriend out of classes also. This way, you may finally get into her panties. If not, though, you can always dope her drink with GBH and hit it from behind so she's still a virgin later. *(Idea from boredom/Ferris Bueller's Day Off)* The author of this post does not condone skipping school. ^_^

43)While dating someone half your age is fun, getting arrested for consummating your relationship with a ten year old is bad. *(Idea from boredom)*
Complete
Unsanctioned.
44)When someone catches a meme in my thread, I'll fucking DoS them. Therefore, DON'T.

0100110101100101011011100111010001100001011101000010000001001001011011100111001101101001011001000110010100100001
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,it is by the beans of Kopi Luwak that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
Last edited by Cole on Sun Apr 17, 2005 7:04 pm, edited 53 times in total.
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Postby LightStarr » Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:46 am

Dude.
Just Grab Her By The Thong And Say, Listen Here.
Dave wrote:get her pregnant.
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations

Postby Shockro » Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:49 am

Truly masterwork.
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Postby Kindred » Sat Mar 12, 2005 11:49 am

Amen !
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations

Postby Kazuo Kiriyama » Sat Mar 12, 2005 1:15 pm

Post more!
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations

Postby the unknown one » Sat Mar 12, 2005 4:25 pm

where were you when i was...(unintelligible) ^_^
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Postby Acktoo » Sat Mar 12, 2005 7:57 pm

Wow Cole. I worship your genius.
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Postby justinbailey » Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:53 pm

cole's guide to awkward social situations would make a fuckin sexy webcomic
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Postby Cole » Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:54 pm

'twould. If only I had an artist.
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Postby Yoshi » Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:14 pm

*cough*Dave*cough* :) What?
"Worst case scenario I'll get arrested for public nudity.
Best case scenerio I'll get arrested for public nudity with a boner. It's win win.
" ~ Dave
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Postby Cole » Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:20 pm

Dave still needs to draw bad monkey ninja university for us.
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 10(Kind

Postby Wizard » Sun Mar 13, 2005 8:17 am

"The Bible of Cole" Truly wonderful.
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Postby Kindred » Sun Mar 13, 2005 9:34 am

Number 10 is so BS XD
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 10(Kind

Postby zepherin » Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:11 am

truly sage advice.
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Postby Dave » Sun Mar 13, 2005 1:21 pm

10 is the truest thing I've ever read. Cole those are brilliant.
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Postby Jay » Sun Mar 13, 2005 2:37 pm

I concur because I can. And plus, it's awesome. It's like the ten commandments, but modernized.
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 10(Kind

Postby the unknown one » Sun Mar 13, 2005 6:27 pm

can't wait for the next installment
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Postby Cole » Sun Mar 13, 2005 7:05 pm

I do believe this bad boy needs to be sticky.
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Postby Levitation1o1 » Sun Mar 13, 2005 7:16 pm

Eleven makes me cry, but in a good way.
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Postby Acktoo » Sun Mar 13, 2005 7:16 pm

I told my dad that #2 wouldn't work. Oh well. He did it anyway. :(
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 11)

Postby Al Calnos » Sun Mar 13, 2005 7:25 pm

Id tip my hat off to you, Cole, but Im not wearing one at the moment...
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Postby Kat » Sun Mar 13, 2005 7:30 pm

Hmm... at the risk of sounding cruel:

#11 would soon put a stop to overcrowding and hunger.
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 11)

Postby Shockro » Sun Mar 13, 2005 8:00 pm

The best and most needed guide ever!
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 11)

Postby Wizard » Sun Mar 13, 2005 8:33 pm

Hee hee...Number 11...

Actually, they're not made of sugar, spice, puppy dog tails, and snails. Well, there was a snail in one of the boys, but maybe it crawled there...

>.>

WHAT?!?!
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Re: Cole's guide to awkward social situations (up to 11)

Postby Shockro » Sun Mar 13, 2005 8:53 pm

He said:
Girls: Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice
Boys: Snips, Snails and Puppy dog tails
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