SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%)

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

Moderator: Mod Squad

SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%)

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:53 pm

Yeah. I still don't know what to name this fic. *stares at small chunk of Writer's Block* Anyway, I've finally gotten the scenes sorted out. Sadly I have no Microsoft Word (WHY?! :angry: ) so please pardon any spelling mistakes. And I'll be doing this in script format for the time being.


Chapter 1: My name is Shad Staydamind.


The city of Townsville. Sister city to Megasville. The city that gets hit with enough monster attacks to rival Tokyo. The home of one of the greatest heroes Townsville, and perhaps the world, has ever known: The Powerpuff Girls!

At the edge of the suburbs lies a school specially for kindergartens. A school that is honored to educate its cute little defenders. Why I speak of Pokey Okes Kindergarten of course. Role call should be done riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight about now.

Ms. Keane: Mike Believe.

Mike: Here.

Ms. Keane: Mitch Michelson.

Mitch: Yeah.

Ms. Keane: Blossom.

Blossom: Present.

Ms. Keane: Bubbles.

Bubbles: Here.

Ms. Keane: Buttercup.

Buttercup: Yep.

Ms. Keane: Okay, that's everyone. Turn your vocabulary books to page...

Blossom: Ms. Keane. I think you missed someone.

*Blossom points to a table in the corner. The only one seated there is a boy with black hair and dull brown eyes doodling something*

Ms. Keane: Oh dear. I must've used last semester's roster my mistake. Hold on.

Bubbles: *stares at the isolated boy* Why is he sitting alone Blossom? Buttercup? Can you wait here?

Buttercup: Wait for what?

*Bubbles hovers toward the boy, who finally looks up to see a pair of exorbitantly large blue eyes*

Boy: Waugh!

Bubbles: Hello! I'm Bubbles. What's your name?

Boy: *blushes* Y-y-y-y-you're one of the Powerpuff Girls?

Bubbles: Uh-huh. And you are?

Boy: Um...uh...She's even cuter when up close. Why did she come to me? The teacher already knows I'm here. *gulp* Sha...

Ms. Keane: Found it! Don't know how it got under the desk though.

Bubbles: Ms. Keane! Ms. Keane! *Bubbles hovers to the front of the room with the boy in tow* Can he introduce himself? Please?

Boy: Huhwa?! B-b-b-but I'm not good at that stuff! I get a stomachache when I do stuff like this.

Ms. Keane: There there. It's all right. They won't bite.

Boy: Um. S-s-s-s-s-sh-Shagaboo!

*the child clasps his mouth shut as the entire class bursts out laughing*

Bubbles: Just hold someone's hand if you get scared.

Boy: But I'm scared now. *Bubbles grabs the boy's hand, holding it gently*

Ms. Keane: That's enough class. *everyone quiets down* There. Now try.

Boy: *gulps, takes a deep breath and faces the entire class* S-s-s-Shad Staydamind. My name is Shad Staydamind.



And that rounds out chapter 1. Yeah. You can tell that this takes place a bit before the accident...and that Shad is a bit of a nervous wreck. But hey, it's in his profile.

Added after 5 hours 43 minutes:

Hmm? Lack of comments=lack of interest? :unsure:
Last edited by Shadowed State of Mind on Wed May 02, 2007 12:45 pm, edited 135 times in total.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Postby Kris » Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:24 pm

....

Are you writing a PLAY or a fan fic?
Kris: that's Han Solo
Nix: That guys always smoking foo's
Nix: He be all "Nigga Vada please!"

Darkstar Studios
----------------------------------------------
Wildcard: Kris is the most beautiful man alive
Kris: aww, thanks Wayne
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10207
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2003 8:45 pm
Location: In your pants, haha.....oh
Gender: None specified

Re: Finally! The premire of...[insert fic title here] :unsur

Postby Keeper » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:11 pm

Now, now, ShadowM. Let's not jump to conclusions. ^_^

Anyways interesting beginning. Using the PPG's orginial look. Very good. :snoogins:

Anyways can't wait for the next update! w00t

To Kris: Just another type of writing a story. LinkG07 used it for his story. Makes the job easier to write and to read for the reader. ^_^
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4339
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:44 am
Location: In the Rising Flames of Resurrection
Gender: None specified

Postby Kris » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:37 pm

No, it makes it look extremely amateurish and very, very fan-ish.
Which a fan fic is...but...yeah.
That's not really writing. It's just random dialogue.
I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. Unless you're trying to go for some style that I'm not familiar with.

Although, I did just now notice you said "I"ll be doing this in script format for now," so I assume you'll be cleaning it up later?
Kris: that's Han Solo
Nix: That guys always smoking foo's
Nix: He be all "Nigga Vada please!"

Darkstar Studios
----------------------------------------------
Wildcard: Kris is the most beautiful man alive
Kris: aww, thanks Wayne
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10207
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2003 8:45 pm
Location: In your pants, haha.....oh
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:56 pm

You noticed I'm using their original look? Sweet! Guess the "exorbantly large blue eyes" part gave it away. (of course, this takes place a bit of a while before they go to Megasville, so they may or may not stay like that for long) And what do you mean by jumping to conclusions? I think the reason why there were no comments before is that I stayed home on Halloween and therefore got this started very early in the morning. Sorry about that.

And Kris, I may or may not change the format. Sorry. Besides, it's my very first time writing in script format and my first time writing fanfiction in years. So once again, sorry if things seem a little rusty.

Added after 5 hours 47 minutes:

Chapter 2: Doodles, not doodoos!


*It was a peaceful time in Townsville. No monster attacks...yet. It's arts and crafts time at Pokey Okes Kindergarden. Everyone is pasting feathers into shapes on paper*

Blossom: Just a few more. *feather shape: Star in a box*

Buttercup: Finished! *feather shape: some formless blob...if that's even possible with pasting feathers*

Bubbles: A hamster! Shad look...*turns to her right and sees that Shad isn't there*

Buttercup: He's over there. *points to table in the corner where Shad hastily retreated after his shaky introduction. He's currently doodling something after being done with his feather art a few minutes back*

Bubbles: Why did he go back?

Buttercup: After what happend earlier I don't blame him. Heh. "Shagaboo!"

Blossom: Buttercup!

Bubbles: I wonder how Shad's feathers turned out. *hovers toward Shad's table once again. He looks up and sees the big eyes from earlier*

Bubbles: Hi!

Shad: Waugh! Don't scare me like that! I'm not feeling well today.

Bubbles: Why?

Shad: Why did you make me do that in front of everyone? I get...um...scared in front of lots of people...alone.

Bubbles: Alone? But Ms. Keane was there.

Shad: She's a teacher. And she made everyone stop laughing.

Bubbles: And I held your hand. Didn't that make you feel a little better?

Shad: *blushes* Uh...Ms. k-k-k-Keane would've done so!

Bubbles: *looks down on Shad's feather art* Hey! What's that? *grabs feather art*

Shad: Hey don't look at that, it's bad!

*paper bears feathers pasted in the shape of flowers with leaves and stems drawn from them with a yellow-green color pencil*

Bubbles: Bad? It dosen't look bad.

Shad: Not by itself. Yours is probably much better.

Bubbles: Yours is so pretty. Why do you say that?

Shad: You're a superhero. And a cute superhero. Superheroes are always good at everything. They can do things normal people like me can't do. Besides, I can't just be friends with a superhero even if I wanted to...but since you girls came along, I felt so...*heart skips a beat* *gasp*

Bubbles: What's wrong?

Shad: I feel weird.

Bubbles: It's probably from earlier today. That "Shagaboo" thing was pretty funny.

Shad: Humph. *head looks down* I wasn't laughing.

Bubbles: It's this seat. If you sit closer with everyone else you'll get noticed more. Maybe you can sit with me.

Shad: HUHWA?! *blushes* Me sit with the...Powerpuffs? Wh-wh-why...NO!

Bubbles: But it'll...

Shad: I said NO! I want to stay in my regular seat!

Bubbles: Fine! *darts to Ms. Keane's desk and whispers something in her ear. Ms. Keane smiles then nods as she scribbles something on her roster as Bubbles glides back to Shad*

Shad: You told on me?

Bubbles: Okay, you win. You can stay here.

Shad: Huh? Already? Fine then.

Bubbles: Gee, it looks as if you wanted a different seat.

Shad: No I didn't. Just leave me alone.

Bubbles: Aw. Maybe this'll cheer you up. *snatches Shad's doodles and runs all around the room*

Shad: Hey! Give me back my doodles!

*Shad chases Bubbles around the room to get back his art, occasionally bumping into a few chairs*

Bubbles: *sticks out tounge* Nya nya.

Shad: This isn't funny! Give those back! *Blossom watches on*

Blossom: What is she doing? And why?

Buttercup: Meh. She always gets like this. Just ignore her.

*after 2 and a half minutes of running, Bubbles finally comes to a halt and puts Shad's drawings on a table. Shad stops to catch his breath, then sits on a chair*

Ms. Keane: Shad! So I guess this means you do want a new seat.

Shad: New seat? *sub-long pause until Shad notices that the table he's sitting at and the drawings on the table...happens to be right where the Powerpuffs are seated* Uh-oh.

Bubbles: Welcome to your new spot.

Shad: You said you didn't tell.

Bubbles: I didn't.

Blossom: Ms. Keane, what just happened?

Ms. Keane: Okay, let me explain. Bubbles wanted me to change your seat so you won't be so lonely, but I couldn't just force you to do so unless you asked yourself. Yet you wouldn't because you're so, well, timid.

Bubbles: So I thought that if I took your doodles and have you chase me around in circles you'd be exausted at the right spot. Ms. Keane said she didn't want to change your seating unless you moved to another seat on your own.

Shad: But you made me get up! I...I didn't sit here on my own.

Ms. Keane: Oh but you did. When you got your drawings back you could've sat at another nearby table after you cought your breath, yet you sat here instead. Hmm. *bends down to Shad's height* Did you want to sit here?

Shad: *blushes* Uh...uh...uh...maybe. But I want my old seat back!

Ms. Keane: Too late. I've already reassigned you. It won't change anytime soon. Enjoy your new spot.

Blossom: Wow. That was really clever. Even for you Bubbles.

Bubbles: Guess this means we're class partners now Shad! *puts arm around Shad's shoulders*

Shad: *burning up* You mean friends?

Buttercup: *takes a look at Shad's art* Hold on. Your feathers look okay, but you got mad and chased Bubbles around for these?

Image

Image

Blossom: Is that Bomberman?

Bubbles: Aw. Look at the pink one.

Shad: Give those back! Those are my doodoos! *entire class turns around*

Ms. Keane: Oh dear.

Buttercup: Doodoos? lol

*entire class laughs...again*

Shad: NO! I meant doodles, not doodoos!

Blossom: Hehe. Another unconventional slip.

Shad: Auuuuuuuuu. ^_^;


Chapter 2 end.



Whew. Just started and already I have the longest chapter yet. I didn't mean for it to be this long so next one should be a tad shorter. Commence the comments!
Last edited by Shadowed State of Mind on Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Postby Melcadrien » Tue Nov 01, 2005 2:00 pm

Once you get back on, you should remove the duplicate chapter 2.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 794
Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:29 am
Location: Utah.
Gender: None specified

Re: Finally! The premire of...[insert fic title here] :unsur

Postby Keeper » Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:40 pm

Double post dude.^_^;

But keep going I like this story! w00t
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4339
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:44 am
Location: In the Rising Flames of Resurrection
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:50 pm

Ah. Home swe...HUHWHA?! How did that happen? I'll take care of that and finish chapter 2.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Re: Finally! The premire of...[insert fic title here] :unsur

Postby Keeper » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:00 pm

You do that. Can't wait. ^_^
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4339
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:44 am
Location: In the Rising Flames of Resurrection
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:03 pm

Finally! The 2nd chapter was supposed to be done much earlier but something occured and the second half of the chapter went...gone! INVALID SESSION BY ASS! :cussing: :badday:
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Re: Finally! The premire of...[insert fic title here] :unsur

Postby Keeper » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:29 pm

Great update. Doodoo. lol
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4339
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:44 am
Location: In the Rising Flames of Resurrection
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed Nov 02, 2005 1:27 pm

Poor guy. 2 slipups in one day. Moving on!


Chapter 3: New record.


*still normal at Townsville. 4 hours and still no monster attacks. It's currently naptime at Pokey Okes Kindergarden. And yet, there's one who's having a hard time sleeping...right next to the PPG*

Shad: How did this happen? I was just drawing pictures and next thing I knew I'm sitting and napping with...them! I wanted to sit with them but how can I be their friend if I'm not a superhero? All I did was just get even more nervous ever since I started sitting next to Bubbles. Everytime I got called on since then I got the wrong answer. I keep letting them down even if Blossom says it's all right. It's all right to her. She's the smart one in this class. The only good thing I learned is that heroes aren't good at everything.

*flashback to art class*

Shad: That...that's a hamster?! :ogle: *stares at some feathered mesh that obviously isn't a hamster*

Bubbles: Sure. What do you think?

Shad:... :ogle:

Buttercup: Mush! That's what he thinks.

Bubbles: Yours dosen't look any better!

Shad: Wait. Um...*removes a few feathers from the "hamster", rearanges the remaining ones and adds google eyes and strands of paper for a mouth* Uh...will this do?

Blossom: It looks a little like a hamster now.

Bubbles: It even has a mouth now. Thanks Shad!

Shad: *blushes* Uh...t-t-thanks?

*end flashback*

Shad: I'm their friend now. Sort of. And friends help friends...I think. I helped Bubbles fix her hamster, but arts and crafts are nothing compared to what they do best. How can I really help them if I don't have any powers? Now I feel so shaky just lying down with them I can't sleep. Unless...*reaches out for something from under his blanket* Huh? Where is it?

*Shad stands up and tip-toes toward his bookbag. He slowly zips it open and takes out what appears to be a small, squishy plushie in the form of Bubbles*

Shad: There. I feel like butterflys are in my tummy when I'm sleeping with the real thing.

???: Sleeping with what?

*Shad turns around to see not blue, but big round pink eyes*

Shad: AHH! *jumps up in fright* W-w-w-why do you keep doing that?

Blossom: Doing what?

Shad: That thing. You say something, I turn around and I see really really big eyes up...*realizes it's Blossom and not Bubbles* Oopsie. I thought you were Bubbles. She keeps doing that.

Blossom: She does that to the other students sometimes. I was asleep until I heard someone talking about not being able to help us and being some sort of burden, something like that. Was that you?

Shad: *gulp* Maybe. I just can't sleep without...this. *shows Blossom the Bubbles plushie*

Blossom: I know those. They were really big a while back.

Shad: I got it for my birthday last year. I thought the nightmares wouldn't come if I sleep with this. It's also a keychain for my key.

Blossom: I heard you say something about getting nervous just being with the real thing. With Bubbles.

Shad: What can I do? I always wanted to help you Powerpuffs but I can't! I have no powers, I feel scared easily, I even sleep with the hallight on with my room door creaked open! What do I have in common with any of you?! Anything I can't do, you can do.

Blossom: You just read Bubbles like a map, you know that? She sleeps with the hallight on too. And she sort of falls apart when it comes to ghosts and horror movies and stuff. Not counting the "no powers" part of course. And you help her fix her feather hamster. Didn't look like you used any powers to do that.

Shad: That was a tiny thing. You all fight robbers and monsters and a supersmart monkey man. You're all superpowered and I'm a normal.

Blossom: Strange. Bubbles didn't seem to care when she kept coming to your old table. And she got you to come here on your own. She's the type of person who wanted you to have a friend whether you were a superhero or not.

Shad: ...........

Blossom: When you sleep, what do you dream about?

Shad: Huh? Why'd she...? NO! * covers self with blanket*

Blossom: It's probably not that...

Shad: Nuh-uh! Who cares? It's not like it's real.

Blossom: Let me guess: You dream that you're a superhero don't you?

Shad: How did she? ..........

Blossom: I'm right, aren't I?

Shad: I dream that I save the world before bedtime with all of you. It's the only time I don't feel nervous, or scared, or anything that keeps me from at least talking to you, or anyone. There, I said it. Happy?

Blossom: That wasn't so hard just saying that. So just go to sleep. Naptime's almost over and Ms. Keane will be here any minute.

Shad: Fine. Just don't bother me again.

Blossom: Just one more question: Do you happen to like Bubbl...*Shad snores loudly. Blossom sighs* Figures.

*just outside the classroom, Ms. Keane oversees everything through the door window. She then takes out a stopwatch and clicks it twice*

Ms Keane: Well well. 6 minutes of chit-chat. New record.

Added after 3 hours 14 minutes:

Whew. Chapter 3 finished. Can anyone spot where the references came from? Hint: They're in bold. And the last one isn't from the PPG show, but from a manga. Hint 2: The manga was made by Ken Akamatsu. Hint 3: You'll find the quote in volume 7.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Postby Melcadrien » Wed Nov 02, 2005 1:41 pm

Not bad, Keep it up.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 794
Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:29 am
Location: Utah.
Gender: None specified

Re: Finally! The premire of...[insert fic title here] :unsur

Postby Keeper » Wed Nov 02, 2005 3:58 pm

Refrence one, is from the powerpuff episode where the girls battle the boogie man.

Refrence two, the manga is Shonen.

Are they that?

Also can't wait for update. ^_^
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4339
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:44 am
Location: In the Rising Flames of Resurrection
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:19 pm

Reference 2: The quote is from volume 7 of Negima: Magister Negi Magi. Nodoka was ahaving an unseen chat with Negi, which Yue timed herself. Although I think it was 7 minutes and not 6.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Re: Finally! The premire of...[insert fic title here] :unsur

Postby Keeper » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:20 pm

Hmmm. Understandable. ^_^
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4339
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:44 am
Location: In the Rising Flames of Resurrection
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:49 pm

Good news! A title update. I finally have a title! :w00t: Chapter 4 will come either later or tomorrow. We're getting a tad bit closer to the "accident" event. But for now...

Is anyone familiar with dodgeball? (tentative basis for chapter 4. May change later)
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Postby GridsNaranek » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:51 pm

Haha, it's good to see you took my name for the guy into consideration! Woo!
Bloodsguar Studios member

WE ARE ALL GRIDS
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 9696
Joined: Sat May 07, 2005 12:00 am
Location: I Have Always Been Here
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:09 pm

Took your name to the...huh? Sorry but I'm not sure if I understand that. If you mean Shad's last name, then thanks for giving him one. You saved me the trouble of thinking of one myself.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Postby GridsNaranek » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:12 pm

Yeah, that's what I meant. Hehe
Bloodsguar Studios member

WE ARE ALL GRIDS
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 9696
Joined: Sat May 07, 2005 12:00 am
Location: I Have Always Been Here
Gender: None specified

Re: The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind. YES! A title! :w0

Postby Material Defender » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:15 pm

The script style seems very unproffesional since it will never be used as such unless your simply communicating diagloue between two people. No Insult, but it would be nice to see some desciption of actions and such.

And I feel offended at the lack of comments my Writing has generated.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 40702
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2005 2:22 pm
Location: Returning to Cleanse the Mines!
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:45 pm

Sorry, but it'll stay in script for some time. Unless you look at the little note at the starting post. Or you can go back a page of this forum and see my teaser trailers. Those aren't in script format. The reason I'm not using another format is because when I tried doing the first chapter in said format, I kept repeating the same thing (words: said, replied, said, replied, said, replied, shouted, yelled, shouted, yelled, screamed, etc) over and over again. So I scraped the idea just like I scrapped Shad's older self and used the script format. Although I might use the normal format in the near future. Or not.

And there are descriptions of actions. I'm just not very good at descripting. Give me a slight break, this is my first work in 4-5 years like my sig said! My fanfics back then weren't in script format, but somewhat suffered from the repetitive wordings aformentioned above.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Postby LinkG07 » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:47 pm

Kris wrote:No, it makes it look extremely amateurish and very, very fan-ish.
Which a fan fic is...but...yeah.
That's not really writing. It's just random dialogue.
I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. Unless you're trying to go for some style that I'm not familiar with.

Although, I did just now notice you said "I"ll be doing this in script format for now," so I assume you'll be cleaning it up later?


Ohhhh, re-ally now...

Well you have your opinion and we have ours so I'll respect it...

But calling it amatuarish and fan-ish is just wrong :(
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 1583
Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2005 3:34 pm
Location: Wandering the Unknown
Gender: None specified

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:48 pm

Exactly. Your fanfic is in script format and yet I like the story nonetheless. Not as much as Lifelines, but still good.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:57 pm
Location: I hail from the late Mustapha Land.
Gender: None specified

Re: The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind. YES! A title! :w0

Postby Material Defender » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:52 pm

Generally you don't have to use said at all in a back and forth convo. Here is an example of my writing in normal form.

"All right," Said Keran kindly to Thomas, patting her bed," You can sleep in the bed with me.'
"I'd like this to remain proffesional," Thomas replied, going over to the closest to change.
"I didn't mean it like that!" Keran roared back at Thomas, Giving him a deadly serious glare from her black Irised eyes. Thomas Merely chuckled as he entered the closest and changing area in the room.

Added after 2 minutes:

Here is it in script form

Keran-All right, You can sleep in the bed with me

Thomas-I'd like this to remain proffesional

Keran-I didn't mean it like that

Thomas chuclkes and exits stage left
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 40702
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2005 2:22 pm
Location: Returning to Cleanse the Mines!
Gender: None specified

Next

Return to Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 4 guests