I want to say right now, I'm just venting some of my thoughts out and I'm not being cynical here. But I want to know if what I'm doing is right.
Today I've decided to close my old deviantArt account for good. There is no point on doing something that I'm not into anymore, but later on, it got me thinking that I might as well just cut ties from my past. I see it more as a negative experience than a positive experience, despite events in my life that have shaped my moral conscious and outward character.
I tinkered with the idea in my head a few minutes ago about starting over. Being 18 years old and out of high school, I found nothing else that I could consider valuable out of it. For starters, I procrastinated, and so do a lot of people, and yet we graduated just like that, but it's not just about school. Aside from sleeping in class, I don't believe that the friends I've had were friends, but tools to succeed in high school to use. Additionally, life after the 90's continued to escalate down hill very quickly. I'm positive that better things will happen tomorrow, but assessing the current state of things now, the world isn't a nice place to me, at least not anymore.
But gone are the days where I used to play outside. Gone are the days where society had opportunities, and gone are the days in which a higher number of men inherited the characteristics of chivalry from their old forefathers. I reflect back and I realize that my life had grown to be more terrible up to the way it is now, with me stuck here in my house and unable to go outside just because I'm not a responsible grown man. The truth is, I just want to have a nice walk around the neighborhood and nothing more, and of course I know I'm not grown up yet, I don't want to go outside unprepared for the so called "real world" of eating, work, eating again and sleep. While it is possible to break the cycle as Art of Manliness blogger Brett Mckay writes, some of us are still blindly believing that we could do whatever we want, and they make it sound so simple when clearly, it's not.
When I grew up, I used to want to be a game developer, artist or writer. Now I just want to be somebody. Anyways, the reason why I'm putting my whole past aside for good is because like I said, my life had grown to be more terrible. Classmates of mine started cussing out in the blue by middle school, video games got worse just to "appeal to a wider audience", irresponsible Generation Y parents are letting their own children play Mature games at an early age, most especially Call of Duty, and now we've got people in the fucking news undoing the rights given to them by the founders of the Red, White and Blue United States of America we all know and love to hate. But that's totally off subject.
What I'm saying is, the world's going to get shittier everyday, and the only way I'm going to do this is to literally put the last 18 years of my past aside and act as if I was just born today. And there's nothing more in life I want to be than to be alone. I surrounded myself with lots of men in life because of how much I am afraid of women, and to embody the selfish aspect of human nature would bring me more benefit than being the kind and thoughtful person teachers and parents want the children they teach to be.
Am I doing the right thing to forget everything that's happen in my life before today? History is history you know and I'm not worried or anything, but life's going to suck later (and my English if I don't starting reading books), and it always will. I just want to do whatever it takes to survive. Or, give me a reason to not forget all of this.
But no matter what happens I'm just going to move on; it's over everyone. I find no pleasure left in my life now and once I start working there will be no pleasure left.