New writer.

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New writer.

Postby KATS_Lion » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:17 pm

I just started righting yesterday. I have to paragraphs already done. Please be gentle with me on your comments. I really think it is turning out great. But I really want professional opinion on this. So please remember I am just starting out. But please tell me if I am done good or badhttp://www.snafu-comics.com/forum/po ... =post&f=7#

Chapter 1
Lost

"God, why? All of this had to happen under your watch! We made a promise ,remember? They were all my friends,my family. They helped me my whole life. What will I do with out their help? Can I even go on? Where do I go now? Can I even continue?"
"I guess you don't leave me much choice do you? Hmm, come to think of it have I ever had a choice? Haven't you been pulling all the string this whole time? All the pain we've gone through. The hardships. The love. You knew it all would happen."
"Your a bastard for all this, you know that? I don't give a shit what you do to me! Strike me down finish the job! You did it to them. Why not me? Why leave the weakest to fend for himself? A joke? Punishment? Why do I even care what you think at this point?"
He sat there For who knows how long. Waiting for something to happen. Anything even. One bird to fly by. The wind to pick up. The smallest sound. But nothing stirred. It was as if the world was dead. Nothing lived or had ever lived. The land was barron of all life. Not even the moon, the most beautiful things that could always bring his mood up seemed dead to him.
Why should God give him a sign? It's not like he deserves one. After all this he had the stupid Idea that talking to god would be the next logical step? Sitting there in his own misery he looked dead. soulless, empty. Everyone was gone. what reason could he find to keep going? He made a promise. Not the promise to god. Who gave a shit about him after all this. It was to her.

CHAPTER 2
Run
"Hay Markas!" "Did I just hear my name? There are so many people here, it could of came from anywhere." Looking over his shoulders there was no one his eyes could pick out as familiar. He knew he heard his name though. "Markas!" There it was again. "Over here numb nuts." His eyes grew three times that day. "Oh god not him." said Markas as his stomach dropped to his toes. "don't look at him. Quickly move through the crowd. Don't stop and maybe you'll lose him." He moved in and out of the crowded area like a snake traversing the wild.
"Dodge, slide, weave. Don't run out of breath now! Your almost out of there." The market was oddly packed today. It's not so odd really I guess. There was a Party happening tomorrow. Everyone was here to buy all their party supplies. Food, alcohol, new clothes to impress the opposite sex. It was a mad house.
The one thing that every person young and old came for was that Item only the devil himself could of made. I hated even thinking about. It gets everywhere, multiple colors, the fear of getting cut no matter where you stand. Of course I am talking about confetti.
Okay okay stop laughing alright. I know it sounds funny but have you ever tried to clean the shit? It takes months to clean up! I found a piece once under my bed that had been there for over three years. Yeah, I know right. Hell. By the way I am not a clean freak okay? I just like things to be, well, clean. Okay a small one but that's a different story.
The party that everyone is getting ready for is a four year long wait. All the people here cant seem to ever wait that long either. Its always "mommy when is the next party this and what will we do next year that." Honestly if you really could not tell I don't care for it, ever. Not because I am cynical or anything but, I am a son. Of someone very important. High up on the political chain. Huh, the king.
Yes the king. I am the one and only heir. Lucky you, you must be saying hmm? well clearly you have been around the towns folk to long then. See they love my family. Me included. I really don't know why? I haven't done anything to get their love. My life has been the stereo typical prince life. You know the ones from the books. Lavish life style. Everything I could wish for at my feet. Everyone bowing in respect for my title.
See how bad that would be? You don't do you? Not surprised no one really does. But its my life and I guess I have to live the life God hands you. Even if you don't want it. enough about me for now. I still need to get out of this crowd before someone notices me or he finds me.
"Whew! Out of the crowd. Home free! Is he following me? I don't think so? I better turn around before I hit someone. Then, as if fate itself heard that comment. A passing cart pulled right in front of are daring hero. If you call him that. "Oh shit! Dive!" Sliding under the cart seemed to slow down time. "What the hell? this is cool as hell. Am I really doing this? I am like an acrobat." As quick as time seemed to slow it speed up to it's normal speed. " That was awesome! I am the shit!" Fate really hates cocky people by the way. Because right in front of the prince as he made the corner was a very soon to be painful person.
"Grab the corner, slide past on the wet cobblestone and make this turn." Three, two, one, go! Grab, slide, turn, person. "Person?" They both fell hard to the ground with a loud thud. " I am so sorry." "Hey what's your problem dude? I was walking here and you come around flying around like a arrow. What's wrong with you?" "I said I was sorry." "Yeah, yeah I heard you" "Let me help you up." The prince stood up first rubbing off the dirt and groceries from his cloak. As he reached for the person he noticed a small bit of red hair coming from the hood. No big deal really, It's just odd to see red heads in this part of the country.
Grabbing with one hand he grabbed the strangers hand and pulled them up. As if Fate had one last trick up it's sleeve the hood feel of this hooded individual. "My god." the only worlds that could come to mind that could describe this beautifully gorgeous woman standing before him. She looked right into his eyes. "what do I say? What do I do? Say something moron! Her hair is so red. I've never seen hair like this before. Her eyes are so sharp, straight to the center of my soul. Her lips look so smooth. My god she is about to say something! What could such a delicate woman have to say to me? Please be something good!" "What are you looking at!? watch where your going next time idiot." "That was unexpected."
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Re: New writer.

Postby Sig Skellington » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:35 pm

Interesting... I welcome you to both the forums as a whole, as well as the Lit section.

As for your writing, I'll offer what advice that I can. First and foremost, your writing feels too crowded. The text is bunched together, especially regarding people talking. Here's an example:
"Hay Markas!" "Did I just hear my name? There are so many people here, it could of came from anywhere." Looking over his shoulders there was no one his eyes could pick out as familiar. He knew he heard his name though. "Markas!" There it was again. "Over here numb nuts." His eyes grew three times that day. "Oh god not him." said Markas as his stomach dropped to his toes. "don't look at him. Quickly move through the crowd. Don't stop and maybe you'll lose him." He moved in and out of the crowded area like a snake traversing the wild.
When separate people are speaking, you would put their words in separate paragraphs, like so.

"Hay Markas!"

"Did I just hear my name? There are so many people here, it could of came from anywhere." Looking over his shoulders there was no one his eyes could pick out as familiar. He knew he heard his name though.

"Markas!" There it was again. "Over here numb nuts." His eyes grew three times that day.

"Oh god not him." said Markas as his stomach dropped to his toes. "don't look at him. Quickly move through the crowd. Don't stop and maybe you'll lose him." He moved in and out of the crowded area like a snake traversing the wild.


Another problem, quite frankly, is your grammar in general. I apologize if this sounds rude, but your punctuation is a problem. When you are posting a chapter, there is no rush, so you have plenty of time to go over your writing, and make sure that it looks good. Don't try to rush it, because this will usually mean that you will make a mistake and overlook it.

One more thing for now: "His eyes grew three times that day." This is not Dr. Seuss. Phrases like this seem tacky or cheesy, and undermine your work as a whole. Try something like this: "His eyes widened once he realized who was speaking."

I have other things to say, but I feel that another person here could phrase it better. His name is Birdofterror, and he's one of the best writer's in the Lit section.
Last edited by Sig Skellington on Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Guardian » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:41 pm

*you're

Needs some work there KATS. Grammar is your biggest issue. Rushing your work is fine, but make sure you get someone to read through it before you post it.
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Re: New writer.

Postby KATS_Lion » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:44 pm

Blood Lord wrote:*you're

Needs some work there KATS. Grammar is your biggest issue. Rushing your work is fine, but make sure you get someone to read through it before you post it.
I did have people read over it lol. I make that mistake so much. I feel like such an idiot.posting.php?mode=smilies&f=7#
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Re: New writer.

Postby KATS_Lion » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:49 pm

Sigment Kurosai wrote:Interesting... I welcome you to both the forums as a whole, as well as the Lit section.

As for your writing, I'll offer what advice that I can. First and foremost, your writing feels too crowded. The text is bunched together, especially regarding people talking. Here's an example:
"Hay Markas!" "Did I just hear my name? There are so many people here, it could of came from anywhere." Looking over his shoulders there was no one his eyes could pick out as familiar. He knew he heard his name though. "Markas!" There it was again. "Over here numb nuts." His eyes grew three times that day. "Oh god not him." said Markas as his stomach dropped to his toes. "don't look at him. Quickly move through the crowd. Don't stop and maybe you'll lose him." He moved in and out of the crowded area like a snake traversing the wild.
When separate people are speaking, you would put their words in separate paragraphs, like so.

"Hay Markas!"

"Did I just hear my name? There are so many people here, it could of came from anywhere." Looking over his shoulders there was no one his eyes could pick out as familiar. He knew he heard his name though.

"Markas!" There it was again. "Over here numb nuts." His eyes grew three times that day.

"Oh god not him." said Markas as his stomach dropped to his toes. "don't look at him. Quickly move through the crowd. Don't stop and maybe you'll lose him." He moved in and out of the crowded area like a snake traversing the wild.


Another problem, quite frankly, is your grammar in general. I apologize if this sounds rude, but your punctuation is a problem. When you are posting a chapter, there is no rush, so you have plenty of time to go over your writing, and make sure that it looks good. Don't try to rush it, because this will usually mean that you will make a mistake and overlook it.

One more thing for now: "His eyes grew three times that day." This is not Dr. Seuss. Phrases like this seem tacky or cheesy, and undermine your work as a whole. Try something like this: "His eyes widened once he realized who was speaking."

I have other things to say, but I feel that another person here could phrase it better. His name is birdofterror, and he's one of the best writer's in the Lit section.


So do you know anywhere I can go to learn to be better at grammar? Yes it was a Dr. Suess joke. I wasn't sure if it was fun or not. I now know it's not lol.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Sig Skellington » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:58 pm

Blood Lord wrote:*you're
Incorrect, Blood. All times that I used "your", I used it possessively, as it should be. "You're" is short for "you are", so unless I used "your" for that, I didn't make a mistake.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:04 am

Sigment Kurosai wrote:I have other things to say, but I feel that another person here could phrase it better. His name is birdofterror, and he's one of the best writer's in the Lit section.
RECOGNITION!

But in all seriousness, when I started off writing I didn't even capitalize my "I"s, I put commas before "and"s without it being appropriate... I mean, the story was fine, but the grammar, sentence structure and punctuation was a trainwreck.

It took me about 2 years (And the acquisition of Microsoft Word) to get to where I am now. Honestly, if you want someone to help tutor you on writing styles, hit up any of us here. But if you want to learn how to become better at sentence structure, Microsoft Word is what you need to get if you want to get it really fast and effectively.

I'll get around to reading this and posting more direct criticisms later, I barely have time to write anymore, let alone read. Oh, yes; and Welcome to the Forum. Enjoy your stay.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Guardian » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:10 am

Sigment Kurosai wrote:
Blood Lord wrote:*you're
Incorrect, Blood. All times that I used "your", I used it possessively, as it should be. "You're" is short for "you are", so unless I used "your" for that, I didn't make a mistake.

Wrong on your part, it was directed to KAT.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Sig Skellington » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:12 am

Well then, nevermind.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:17 am

(Why are there so many people both on at 1 in the morning- AND in the literature section? This has never happened before.)

Yeah, I'm now talking with him through PMs, he's inexperienced, so the only cure for it is experience. His you're/yours will get naturally better with time. Since Sigment went through the trouble of naming me head honcho of literature, it's likely that I will be his tutor through all this... and I don't mind. I've been very bored lately, maybe this will be fun. ;)

I've been trying to get something done with BR. Currently awaiting results. This can be a good project between then and now.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Guardian » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:22 am

It's 11 pm for me, so HA.

KATS. If you're reading this, don't trust Bird. He's gay. Nah, I'm kidding.

Keep it up, don't get discouraged, and continue dreaming. A thing that has helped me is getting into the RP Section of the site and participating in a few games. It might help you.
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Re: New writer.

Postby KATS_Lion » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:28 am

Lol thank you Blood. I will keep going. Just one last question. For the story it's self is it good so far? I have had a few people tell me how they love it pulls you in right away.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Sig Skellington » Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:14 am

The story isn't bad, although I'm not entirely sure what is happening. "Runaway prince" is all that I got out of it. I can also say that your Chapter One feels more like an opening to a chapter than a chapter in and of itself.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:17 am

Sigment Kurosai wrote:I can also say that your Chapter One feels more like an opening to a chapter than a chapter in and of itself.
Yeah I kind of got that vibe myself. It seems to me like Chapters 1 and 2 could essentially be the same chapter.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Guardian » Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:18 am

KATS_Lion wrote:Lol thank you Blood. I will keep going. Just one last question. For the story it's self is it good so far? I have had a few people tell me how they love it pulls you in right away.

Your chapters are remarkably short, although I do know books that intentionally have chapters be about half a page or so.

As for the actual content, I'll think over it and most something in more detail later.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Fri Aug 02, 2013 4:58 am

Want an obsessed freak to look at it?... Most likely not, but I'm looking at it anyways and I'm probably going to leave you crying on the floor after saying hurtful mean things.

So yeah, the story itself isn't too bad. Chapter 1's more of a prologue, but I love how you've set up a mystery, I'm intrigued really, who was it that this person's talking about, is he a demented damaged person (I love demented damaged people) and what is this all about.
Not been impressed by what followed though, probably because I hadn't read enough yet whether to praise you, or condemn you. From what I get the prince is on his way to a party, so one's about to follow him and then he meets the girl of his dreams. But I do have an idea that will definitely like if I can read where your going with this 'See they love my family. Me included. I really don't know why?'. Now won't it be interesting if they didn't actually love him for who he is. Cliche I know, it's been done before. But from what I'm guessing so far, this prince is meant to be likable and is conscious (I can't spell it right), so this'll be an old fashion, wanting to revolutionize the way things work.
Now, this is mere speculation, last time I did something like this I got condemn because the writer thought I was making him do this and took it out of proportion. No, I'm right now pretending your stories on the big screen, I'm sitting watching it, eating some guy's popcorn (Which happens to be coincidentally the director) and betting with him what's going to happen openly. Some great need for someone brave to do a heroic quest and the main character does it out of his ego, for both the gal of his dreams and isn't use to the idea of the people not loving him (He would've grown up thinking the people genuinely loved him all the time, so it's going to be quite a wake up for our young hero that they love anyone who carries the title 'prince').

So enough about me being what I assume was friendly about your story, time to get on with actually beating you up over stuff. You know what you did wrong? A lot of things! As everyone here is already beating you up about, your gramma is just awful! Again my writing use to be worse than this so I won't beat you up too much over it. But if you want to actually improve, read a flaming book, I don't care if you have the time, read something, anything, anyone's literature thread and I mean anyone's because there is a huge lack of writing basics. Like seriously, try and use a flaming speech tag, even an action tag so we know whose talking. I got mixed up at times just who was talking! Learn how to do proper dialogue in general. The story was in general hard to read that I had to go over it a number of times and could've helped if you know how to do some dialogue, which you can learn just by reading other people's work (Again anyone here's work or from a book).

Hope this doesn't discourage you to much, but I'm an honest jerk that can get passionate. Heavens strike me down if I over did it. I hope your writing does improve anyways so I can read the thing clearly and give you some more detailed advice (I could've peeled at problems like I do with Sigment Kurosai's writing, but as mentioned before, I'm a Kurt Fischer guy) and I do want to continue on reading the story.
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Re: New writer.

Postby KATS_Lion » Fri Aug 02, 2013 5:37 pm

WalrusM3 wrote:Want an obsessed freak to look at it?... Most likely not, but I'm looking at it anyways and I'm probably going to leave you crying on the floor after saying hurtful mean things.

So yeah, the story itself isn't too bad. Chapter 1's more of a prologue, but I love how you've set up a mystery, I'm intrigued really, who was it that this person's talking about, is he a demented damaged person (I love demented damaged people) and what is this all about.
Not been impressed by what followed though, probably because I hadn't read enough yet whether to praise you, or condemn you. From what I get the prince is on his way to a party, so one's about to follow him and then he meets the girl of his dreams. But I do have an idea that will definitely like if I can read where your going with this 'See they love my family. Me included. I really don't know why?'. Now won't it be interesting if they didn't actually love him for who he is. Cliche I know, it's been done before. But from what I'm guessing so far, this prince is meant to be likable and is conscious (I can't spell it right), so this'll be an old fashion, wanting to revolutionize the way things work.
Now, this is mere speculation, last time I did something like this I got condemn because the writer thought I was making him do this and took it out of proportion. No, I'm right now pretending your stories on the big screen, I'm sitting watching it, eating some guy's popcorn (Which happens to be coincidentally the director) and betting with him what's going to happen openly. Some great need for someone brave to do a heroic quest and the main character does it out of his ego, for both the gal of his dreams and isn't use to the idea of the people not loving him (He would've grown up thinking the people genuinely loved him all the time, so it's going to be quite a wake up for our young hero that they love anyone who carries the title 'prince').

So enough about me being what I assume was friendly about your story, time to get on with actually beating you up over stuff. You know what you did wrong? A lot of things! As everyone here is already beating you up about, your gramma is just awful! Again my writing use to be worse than this so I won't beat you up too much over it. But if you want to actually improve, read a flaming book, I don't care if you have the time, read something, anything, anyone's literature thread and I mean anyone's because there is a huge lack of writing basics. Like seriously, try and use a flaming speech tag, even an action tag so we know whose talking. I got mixed up at times just who was talking! Learn how to do proper dialogue in general. The story was in general hard to read that I had to go over it a number of times and could've helped if you know how to do some dialogue, which you can learn just by reading other people's work (Again anyone here's work or from a book).

Hope this doesn't discourage you to much, but I'm an honest jerk that can get passionate. Heavens strike me down if I over did it. I hope your writing does improve anyways so I can read the thing clearly and give you some more detailed advice (I could've peeled at problems like I do with Sigment Kurosai's writing, but as mentioned before, I'm a Kurt Fischer guy) and I do want to continue on reading the story.


Thank you so much for the advice! This is my first time writing. So I am not surprised that it was bad. I wanted other people to check it out though. That's why I posted it. What's a speech tag though?
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Re: New writer.

Postby Sig Skellington » Fri Aug 02, 2013 5:56 pm

It identifies who's talking. ", the man said." after speaking is an example.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Fri Aug 02, 2013 6:58 pm

That explains a lot. As Sigment Kurosai said though, its what you mostly use to identify whose talking, but is sometimes used for the purpose of imagery or to describe the character's tone.

For example.

"Why don't you just leave!" shouted the guy.

There we've again, as Sigment said, we have identified whose talking and also made it clear that he shouts out loud and so on. Don't go overboard with it though. As you'll read in some people's work, they only use a speech tag when it contributes towards the story or the setting. I'd pull up examples, but they'll just fill the thread and can be shown through reading other people's work.

Also as I'm only just learning (About a weak go I learned about them) are action tags. Which as you can imagine fore fills the same purpose.

"I don't want to see you anymore!" The man threw a book at her.

Glad I am at service though, But don't worry just the inexperience is bad, your off to a good start.
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Re: New writer.

Postby KATS_Lion » Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:20 pm

Thank you Sigment and Walrus. That helps.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Mercen-X » Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:46 pm

What is the rule when regarding a character with a long running monologue? I've seen certain novels use an opening quotation mark for each paragraph of continuous speech but save the closing quotation for the last word overall. Is that proper or is closing the quote on each paragraph acceptable as is?

The reason I ask is that I personally can't tell with any certainty if the dialogue in the "first chapter" is just one person speaking to himself or if there is a second unidentified individual. My personal choice for continuous dialogue is typically to use an unbroken line. It would be fairly easy for you KAT in this story as the monologue in the first chapter, at least, only consists of a few lines. Rather than breaking it into multiple "paragraphs", you could emphasize pauses using ellipses(...) Short of that, as Walrus said, quote tags could aid in the process if you wish a deeper emphasis of the pauses between the lines of speech.
Something like: "Can I even continue?" He paused. His breaths were short and heavy. He blinked as a thought played in his mind. "I guess you don't leave me much choice do you?"

By the way, you may want to call the opening a "Prelude" rather than Chapter 1 seeing as it is so much shorter than the next chapter. Preludes are a good way to garner interest in a story sometimes by summarizing the backhistory, sometimes by writing up a scene that you may use in a later chapter.

As for the story in general, I feel we'd have more to go on if it hadn't ended on a string of dialogue. Even an opening page needs a conclusion. Something that relays how the scene seemingly impacts the character's thoughts or his situation.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Guardian » Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:21 pm

What is the rule when regarding a character with a long running monologue?


Hmm, I'm not sure if there is a defined rule for monologue like that. I do know for every paragraph you should have a new on for each individual speaking or idea.
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Re: New writer.

Postby Sig Skellington » Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:22 pm

Well, the way I see it: DFuring a monologue you would sometimes have a single paragraph, if the speech is short enough. But I usually see longer ones broken into seperate paragraphs when it's pretty long, or when a good portion of the paragraph is taken up by text describing actions and movements during dialogue. Other times a monologue can be split when it strays into another subject, or enough time is taken before continuing to speak. I could be wrong here, but I this is how I percieve this "monologue rule". I hope this helps regardless.
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