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My only complaint really is that at the end of the chapter he seems to have won. Perhaps I was a bit too quick in speaking of Mandeville being 'right'. I was thinking mostly in context to his little speech about how Equestrian history would play out after he removes Celestia and Luna. Even without his prodding it could certainly go that way, and doubly so under his influence. The thought that it is even plausible is a terrifying one, and in that one regard he may just be 'right.' He certainly didn't prove it to the reader and not to the ponies of Equestria but through sheer force of victory he in a way proved it to himself.
If I may offer some criticism here, one of the last things you want to do is leave your readers feeling hopeless and that things can never ever be put right again. Even if that is the case like the way it is at the end of chapter ten you don't want them left with that impression. What point is there to read on if the villain has won, our heroes are dead, and there is nothing left to hope for? There really isn't. It's for this reason I believe those two FimFiction readers of yours jumped ship. A couple lines to a paragraph at the end giving a sort of epilogue and that somepony somewhere was plotting something or having a meeting, or stirring, or doing something somewhere would have done wonderfully to temper the mood. Just something to indicate that this wasn't in fact the end. Just my two cents anyway.
J-Dude wrote: Yeah, I dunno, I just didn't want to ruin the downbeat nature of that chapter end.
It was the biggest risk I've taken with this story, and I wanted it to be balls-out bold without apology. I fully expected a person or two to jump ship, but I figured that if the readers stuck with me beyond this, it would make the story unforgettable, and be worth it. I figured it would get people talking, though I admit there WAS confusion regarding whether or not the story was over.
I dunno, I actually wrote and rewrote the end of chapter ten a few times. One version DID have a sort of "to be continued" vibe, with Smolder, Spitfire and the soldiers offering a salute to Twilight before helping the M6 carry her, a still unconscious Rarity and the princesses off. Problem with that was, it felt really cornball and tacked something cheesy and cliche onto an otherwise shocking turn of events. I elected to just leave it be. Yeah, probably could be rewritten for clarity.
Dibullba wrote:You will probably love this one Grievous
Really hope you are right, Kusang.
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