Faust30xz: Centralville: PG-13: Fanfic: Chapter 1 It Begins

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Faust30xz: Centralville: PG-13: Fanfic: Chapter 1 It Begins

Postby faust30xz » Sun Apr 07, 2013 3:35 am

Page 1

Two Demon girls walk into a hall where other people surrounded a table. “Scanty and Kneesocks you two are late!” yelled a vampire girl at the two for not being earlier. “I'm sorry mistress Marceline it won't happen again.” said Kneesocks as her and her sister sat down in there seats. “As we all know Kare is planning something, he has been for a while and I feel like we need to be prepared. Just knowing that its Kare planning something you can bet it’ll be big especially because I hear he wants to make a deal with Hunson.” said a demon guy as the whole table turned to Marceline. “Hey don't look at me just cuz he’s my dad doesn't mean I know everything bout his buis.” She said as everyone put their attention back to the demon guy. ”Now all of this happened when the source was killed leaving Kare to have a little more freedom. We know for a fact that the grim reaper as well as warden shall stay out of all this so that’ll make us worry less of having to face him.” said the demon as everyone in the room shivered.

“But there are still a lot of power out there that he can draw from like Aku and Trigon. Which means we’ll have to bring someone from the past who can stand against Kare and Aku by herself someone who even makes Kare look like a wimp.” said the demon as everyone in the room started to become unsettled except Kneesock and Scanty. “Wait you don't mean her?! Do you mean our old boss will finally come back!?” asked Kneesock as she and Scanty got excited. “Yes I do, it's time to bring her back as the prophecy of her return must be fulfilled. For the creation that we have been waiting for has finally arrived.” said the demon as a picture of a girl appeared on the table.

A girl stood in the freezing cold with a suitcase waiting for her cousin to pick her up from the bus station. “He better get here soon before i kick his but to the ghost zone and make him fight the sand worms.” said the little girl as a rv stops in front of her and the window rolls down to show an old guy in a hawaiian shirt. “Do you need a ride? I'm on my way to Centralville so I could give you a ride if you're heading in that direction.” said the guy as the girl got in and sat down on the seat telling him that's exactly where she was going. “My name is Max what's yours?” asked the guy as he pulled out a bag of crickets. ”My name is Danielle but you can just call me Dani” said the girl exchanging the greeting. “So let me guess you also moving to the new city?” asked the guy offering her some crickets that she rejected. “Yea since my dad is no longer here for me I'm moving in with my aunt and uncle.” she said as she got a chocolate bar and took a bite. “I see well since you're new you’ll probably meet my grandson his name is Ben, Ben Tennyson.” he said handing her a pic of him and his Family

“I like his watch where he get it?” asked Dani as the old man took the picture back and looked at Ben’s watch. “Well that watch is actually a long funny story.” He said with a chuckle as they pass a sign saying welcome to Centralville. “Well we’re here so is there a place I should drop you off?” he asked as the girl gave him a piece a paper with her cousins address. “Perfect that's just on the way to where I'm going.” he said as he kept driving until he reached the house. “Well I guess it's time for our departure, oh if you see Ben tomorrow around town tell him I'm here and that I'm opening a plumber shop here, okay?” he said as the girl got out and he drove away.
Last edited by faust30xz on Sun Apr 07, 2013 4:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Faust30xz: Centralville: PG-13: Fanfic: Chapter 1 It Begins

Postby Birdofterror » Sun Apr 07, 2013 5:19 am

Welcome to the forum, Faust. Allow me to criticize your work.

You seem to have a lot of punctuation issues, such as commas and correct capitalization of names, places and 'I.'

Here's an example.
faust30xz wrote: “Well i guess its time for our departure oh if you see ben tomorrow around town tell him i'm here and i'm opening a plumber shop here okay.”
Here is the original part of your story. Now let me fix some things and put said fixes in Yellow-
The Fixer wrote: “Well I guess it's time for our departure, oh if you see Ben tomorrow around town tell him I'm here and I'm opening a plumber shop here, okay?
See the difference? You are going to need to proof-read, spell check and punctuate well from now on.

But as I said before, Welcome to the forum. I hope you enjoy your stay.
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

The Chronometal Wars, a fan-fiction taking place in the PPGD Universe. Catastrophe is the only certainty.
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Re: Faust30xz: Centralville: PG-13: Fanfic: Chapter 1 It Begins

Postby faust30xz » Sun Apr 07, 2013 5:47 pm

Page 2

Dani levitates with her bag to the room where she is staying and falls on her bed while throwing her bag on the floor. She falls asleep until morning when she goes downstairs to see one of her cousins eating cereal. “ Danielle what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming until today.” said her cousin angering her while she was still sleepy so she blasted his cereal bowl. After cleaning up the mess and changing into real clothes, her cousin asked if Dani wanted to see the city with him. Dani agreed to go as she was excited to see how this new town looked like. “Okay squirt first we have to go to my friend Jenny’s house.” He said while turning ghost and started flying with Dani right behind him. They arrive at a house where they turn back human and ring the doorbell. A Little robot opens the door much to Dani’s surprise. “Hey robot boy is your mom or your sis Jenny here?” asked Dani’s cousin.

The little robot shook his head too shy to say no because Dani was there. “I see that's a shame, well then robot boy I’d like you to meet my cousin Danielle she’s new in town.” Said her cousin as Dani and robot boy shake hands and say hi. Dani’s cousin gets a call which he answers talks for a bit then hangs up. “Damn well it seems there’s something I got to do, so I won't be able to show you around town. Although I'm sure robot boy would love to show you the town right robot boy?” he said as the robot nodded with a smile as his face turned a little red from being so shy. So when her cousin left her with robot boy they start walking into town getting to know each other a little more. “I see so your sister is the super hero robot Jenny? Wow Danny has a lot to tell me.” said Dani with a laugh as she accidentally bumps into someone. “ Look wear your going you idiot.” said a red haired girl with a tiara on her head while she made a stuck up rich girl face. “whoa sorry.” said Dani as she backed up a little trying not to start any trouble. “Oh you will be! Do you know who my daddy is?! My daddy will make you life a living hell!” yelled the girl to her as her face turned red from anger. “Hey princess why don't you leave the new kid alone?!” yelled a kid on a skateboard as he and five of his friends skated up to princess and Dani. Princess looked at them with her nose stuck up then walked away with an angry face.

Dani looked at the kids with a smile thankful to them for helping her not get into any trouble on her first day in centralville. “Don't worry about princess she’s just a snobby rich girl with daddy issues she’s harmless.” said the boy who help her out with princess.”let me introduce my friends this is Sheen, Ailida, Max, Bunny, Frida and my name is.” says the kid as Dani interrupts him saying “Ben Tennyson I know who you are.” said Dani with a giggle as robot boy hid behind her leg. “I’m just that famous already.” he said very arrogantly as his friends laughed at the idea. “no actually I met you grandfather he showed me how you looked like, and he told me to tell you he’s going to be making a plumber shop here in town.” she said as she joined in the laughter of Ben and his friends. “So Grandpa is finally in town? I guess I’ll have to pay him a visit later on.” said Ben as he and everyone walked to a abandoned house.

They walked inside as Dani looked around in amazement with robot boy staying close to her. “Well welcome to our hangout this is where me and my friends who watch over the city hang.” said Ben as some of his other friends came into the room. “A new girl? Finally its been getting disappointing when only boys started joining for a while.” said a girl who went up to Dani to introduce herself. “Hey I’m Libby I'm sheen’s girlfriend oh and this is Betty she’s a galactic guardian. Oh hey what you got there a robot? is he friendly?” said Libby as Dani looked at robot boy who looked back at her with a scared face. “Yeah he’s friendly although I barely met him today he seems super shy to people.” said Dani as she sat down on a couch they had in the house. “I recognize him he’s Jenny’s brother he helps her save the world a lot. He’s always on the TV but they say he never is seen besides that. Impressive you were able to get him into public and even more impressive you got him to trust you.” said Betty as she looked at robot boy who was hiding behind Dani.
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Re: Faust30xz: Centralville: PG-13: Fanfic: Chapter 1 It Begins

Postby Birdofterror » Mon Apr 08, 2013 5:43 am

Much better! A few issues still remain, commas mostly, but you've shown a lot of improvement already.

I wish you and your story the best of luck in the future.
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

The Chronometal Wars, a fan-fiction taking place in the PPGD Universe. Catastrophe is the only certainty.
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Re: Faust30xz: Centralville: PG-13: Fanfic: Chapter 1 It Begins

Postby KingofInsanity » Sat Apr 20, 2013 11:03 am

this is a cool story good luck at it :grin:
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