Have I really bounced all the way back here?
Well, it does seem like it. I wonder if it has been long over due. To me anyhow.
But why did I land so far back? So it was that I was going down memory lane. Accidentally I might add.
And came across my old account here. It has been a deplorable year for me. Add the last month to the list and you have a nervous breakdown. And I crossed paths with this here wonderful thread.
I do remember that once upon a time in ages of old, I knew I could find some solace, whatever little, in this place.
Running out of options, I have come on bloody knees back here.
The last year has been by far the worst chapter in my book. A summary: I no longer have papers, so I can't leave this country. Every single attempt my friends in Mexico have made to visit me after almost 3 years of not seeing them has failed. I can't get a legal job, so I'm stuck at my minimum wage job with less than 15 hours a week to pay for tuition. I couldn't pay for school one semester so I had to skip it. Every time I check back to my case status to get back my paper work, the process seems delayed another 2-3 months. The only relationship I have been able to achieve in 4 years was a long distance one. One which was ended at the beginning of November. My one moral and emotional support is gone. And on top of it all, she lied to me at the very end. Or rather, a lie by omission. I have been so depressed I have suffered numerous breakdowns over the last 2 weeks alone. I have lost interest in every single thing I once held dear or fun.
I know for a "summary" it can be lengthy, but that's the mere surface of my entire year.
But the one and only thing I knew would break me to the core. My one and only fear. Came to fruition right in front of my eyes.
My ex always held me as the better of 2 options she had at the beginning of the relationship. But not because I was BETTER in some one or another. But because I was available. According to her, she couldn't go out with the other guy because even though they liked each other, either she had a boyfriend or he a girlfriend. That bore into my skull during our entire relationship. That at any moment I stopped being the better option and still was an option in the end. She told me there was no one else when she broke up with me. That there was no one else at that moment. I caught that "moment" part. I didn't care much that she would go out with other random dudes. People I didn't know. But I know her all too well. Even before she broke with me, she was giving indications as to what was brewing with her other option. She tried so hard to convince me about how good I was, how much she had loved me and that nothing had or was happening at that moment. Not a month had been past, not 2 weeks and she was already starting her courtship. Mind that she told me she felt "so bad, she didn't want to know anything about anyone new. She didn't want to start a relationship anytime soon" I just couldn't take it anymore. How much fucking sugar she put into all that amount of bullshit and still try to call it a cake. I have severed all contact or possibility of contact.
And sorry for not mentioning this before. I had known this girl for almost 9 years. And I had loved her like no other person.
All I want now. Is someone to make me forget. Not a replacement. Someone entirely new. Someone who wouldn't just consider me an option.
Funny enough, hypocritical more like, she shared a picture lately. It said about how one doesn't choose whom their love is. Or how, or when, or where.
If she holds that true, all her "love" to me was a blatant lie. If she doesn't hold it true and chose her other lover after me. Well, she's just a fucking hypocrite.
I have given my 2 cents. I feel the need to apologize for coming here out of the blue asking for an ear to hear me. But like I said. I'm running out of options. Unlike her. I didn't have a back up.