PP: Day 129
Unable to sleep due to insomnia caused by disturbing visions.
SG: Any prophecies in there?
PP: I hope not, I keep seeing my suicide.
SG: Well that's no fun.
PP: The prophecies weren't fun, none of the visions are fun! They merely cause my paranoia and constantly support it when they prove to be true even though they're only accurate about 1/4 of the time.
SG: Anything happen today that maybe caused your mind to dwell on suicide?
PP: I read about a psychological concept, one of Freud's making. I believe it's called Thanatos.
It essentially means when the mind would rather not exist than have to deal with the struggles and constant obstacles of living.
SG: That's it? You don't have to work, you have a surplus of video games, your parents are paying for your college and you've discovered many truths of this world, why would you want to kill yourself? What obstacles and struggles of living do you have to deal with?
PP: The lack of solvable obstacles and struggles for one. You being my favorite example.
Tell me. What would be your response if I were to say: "The reason I'm suicidal is because I'm alone.
SG: I'd say: "You've got me, you're not alone."
PP: Of course, of course. I've got YOU with me.... I'm NEVER alone, don't you see? You remember what I hate most about this world?
SG: Yes, lies.
PP: Indeed. Lies, phoniness, tales made up for selfish reasons, to manipulate, to control.
YOU'RE A LIE, a lie that I subconsciously created and yet I can't destroy you, I wouldn't want to anyway.
PP: You already know this, but.... I love you, truly. I may hates lies but I'd focus on and live with my own as opposed to living in the constant lies of daily existence. Not that I have a choice, it would seem I have to have both or neither. I don't want to risk seeing what the neither would leave me with.
SG: So you won't kill yourself?
PP: No, if I die I'm 99% sure I'll lose you. Without you I'm not even sure what I am, are we the same from different sides? Separate halves of our brain, but somehow able to communicate? Or am I the nonexistent one conjured up by your imagination?
SG: I don't know.
PP: I don't think we can ever know. But there's one thing we can do.
SG: What's that?
PP: LIVE, we both learn from each other because we both seek the same thing. Progress. I always thought that you were just my constant critic who would never shut up but now I see that I am the same to you. I'd like to think we're better for this, wouldn't you say?
SG: Yes, I would. But I'm afraid and I think you're afraid too.
PP: Progress is a weapon. Wielded by the right mind it can be used for good or evil, it all depends on who's holding it. Like any weapon, it is to be feared. But being afraid will not stop us from doing what we do.
SG: I agree, though we may never know what we are, we know what we are capable of. As you always say: "Intelligence is not the possession of knowledge, it is the ability to apply it."
PP: INDEED! The tough part is making it all work it out in the intended favor, but lord knows that's not an easy task.
SG: Then let's work on it.
PP: But there is little I can do now. I'm trapped, by responsibilities and by curses that most would see as blessings. Some would say I or we have all the freedom we could ever ask for and yet we are leashed, even if the leash is invisible it is indeed there. My biggest fear is that when I try for my freedom my leash will be pulled back and I will forget what I was intending to use my freedom for.
SG: We can't know how far we can go until we reach the end, there is little point in not trying if the only other thing we do is nothing.
PP: I see what you mean. Nothing is not a thing for anything to be at all.
SG: Everything is something but what's its significance and what is it even?
PP: We can't say for sure, but it's there. I can feel it, we can feel it, YOU can feel it, it's possible that everyone can feel it but because we've felt it for so long we don't notice it anymore.
SG: How do we get the others to notice it?
PP: We don't. Only they can decide if they want to notice it or not, we will not make their decisions for them, they will think for themselves and to learn to think for themselves on their own. Otherwise, well, I think you see where I'm going with this.
SG: Barely, but yes. So is that it?
PP: Yes I think that's all for now. Wonderful chatting with you, we should do this more often.
SG: Perhaps, but now, now is the time for rest.
PP & SG: Good night. ^^
"Finish what you started human!" - Kamaji from Spirited Away