Weeeelll... lets umm see here...
It has been quite a while since i have been here.
I realize i cannot talk about what i feel, or at least i have a much harder time with people i know and see on daily basis, like its easier to talk about things with strangers.
I am depressed... not like "aw bitch i am soooooo depressed boo hoo the life of a teenager/20something guy is so hard oh my goooosh"
Im talking about feeling anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, worthless, irritable, hurt, restless!
I m not eating as well as i should and i am sleeping too much or there are days where i don't sleep for an entire 2 days but i don't make up for it because the amount of sleep i get after that is excessive. Self destructive thoughts have returned and even some habits... i dont cut myself mind you or related but its more like living with little regard for my safety... Acting reckless i guess, Today was the first time in my life i get kicked out of the workshop and i have worked with heavy duty materials and power tools as long as i can remember... No i was not careless, accidents happen at random this was a premeditated reckless act but this isn't about that...
I don't even know how or when it started. i don't think anything major life changing has happened as of late it just sorta grew up and started dragging me down piece by piece.
Not even sure why i am posting here? is it to simply read reassurance of empty words. Devoid of any actual interest? "you are gonna be fine, you'll get over it eventually" am i really that shallow?
I guess i had though that i would figure out what as wrong once i finished writing the first few sentences without having to come to this... if something i guess it was the opposite and ended up realizing i don't know why i am this way.
Jealousy related to my Ex? Well there has always been something there but i usually don't let it consume me, i work to move on you know...
But writing that i think it made me realize a little bit. Not entirely sure but i guess its just plain old bottling up. every single tiny little thing just brushed aside but unconsciously filling up something inside of me. That is probably one of the main issues...
The real problem is that i think i am alone. I have always thought that the less i associated with people the less i'd be hurt, i keep a level of interaction with some people, i have really grown to like them.
I talk to them, go out with them, laugh with them. But for some reason i have this impending feeling that i am alone... for some reason i feel like i am being held back and possibly by myself.
Truthfully i am not really sure what i came here for, i dont know what i want to listen or what to expect or how you would react... my reckless behavior, im just not thinking straight... i gotta get my shit together. I think i am just lost. I feel no purpose, i dont know what to expect or what to do. I dont even think i know exactly what i want.
As i said, i am completely lost within myself. not even sure why here?
well then i guess thats just it, not sure what to expect. and as i press the submit button i leave with a great loud and deep sigh.
Hiroko: You monster.