The Adventures of Los Banditos

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The Adventures of Los Banditos

Postby The_Black_Dragon » Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:19 pm

Hello everyone and welcome to my first published work on this site. I must say, I'm rather excited about this story since it'll be my first original story ever published. Until now, I'd mostly (tried and failed to) write fanfiction, mainly about Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. In fact, I still have such a fic that needs to be reuploaded on fanfiction.net, but I've decided not to touch it until further notice and work with something more original for a change.

First, a bit of foreword and an introduction
This story is a brainchild of mine that I had actually worked with for a couple of years, but had been seriously revamped in the last few weeks. The concept takes inspiration from cartoons and video games that starred child characters, including; Bully, Recess, Hey Arnold, Ed, Edd 'n Eddy, Fairly Oddparents, South Park and many others.

The main premise focuses on a trio of boys in a sleepy suburb, who get into a bunch of crazy and exciting adventures that would normally be impossible in real life. The main challenge for me here is making the action cartoonish and ridiculous enough to be exciting and entertaining, but the characters seem real and relatible and enjoyable.

Lastly, I'm gonna try something by accompanying this story with music. I will be including links to songs on youtube in order to go with the mood of the scene.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

------------------

Prologue: Arrival

(BGM: Intension- Tool)

“It's beautiful...” Said Sukhman Chaudhary, in a soft and enraptured tone. Sukhman was a nine-year old Sikh boy of average height and a husky frame that his father blamed on genetics. His caramel skin was of even tone and his long black hair was properly groomed then bound under a dark blue patka turban, as per Sikh traditions. However, he dressed much in the way of every other kid from Hillside, Queens, wearing a denim jean jacket, an orange t-shirt sporting Mark Ecko's graffiti art, matching jeans and white running shoes.

His company, Jaden Burke said nothing, simply nodding his agreement. Jaden had been born into a typical black family, but the way he looked and carried himself could be considered... Different. He was slightly taller than most ten-going-on-eleven year olds and was thin and athletic in frame. His black hair had been close cut on the sides and the rest had been twisted into cornrolls while his eyes hid behind a pair of dark shades, even in the waning sunlight.

Unlike any black youths growing up in Jamaica, Queens, Jaden preferred a more industrial and goth-inspired dress code; a black blazer fastened by buckles and bearing many studs that circled the biceps and ran along the back, a white button-up shirt worn untucked, black jeans bearing Victorian era symbols and studs around the thighs and ankles, dark grey slip-on sneakers and black fingerless gloves baring alchemist circles and bracelets.

The Burke family had found a break from unpacking, thus Jaden's mother brought him over to the Chaudharies' home for a suprise visit. The boys spent their time that cool early March evening laying on the backyard lawn starring up at the wanning afternoon sky where the stars gradually dissolved into view. It was the first time Sukhman had ever gotten to see such stars and looking elsewhere proved difficult.

Jaden on the other hand merely stared past the shifting sky and into nothing in particular. Sukhman knew Jaden all his life as a boy very in control of himself and his emotions-seeing him like this wasn't natural. However, the young Sikh decided against addressing it until he could feel his friend out better. By now he'd seen as much as he needed.

“Do you regret moving here?” Sukhman asked suddenly.

Jaden choked, having been caught off guard, another uncharacteristic move. When Jaden's eyes focused and shifted to Sukhman's he hesitated a moment before answering, “Hey, coming here was our parents' idea, not ours.”

Sukhman nodded, “Did you get a chance to talk to Jerome before you left? I couldn't see him before father and I left, but when I called him once we got here, I couldn't get to him.”

“He doesn't wanna talk to us, Sukh.” Jaden sighed, defeated.

Sukhman nodded again. Their friend, Jerome White was one of the only kids they could call their friend back in the busy and violent streets of South Queens. But the boy had been abandoned by so many loved ones one way or another; it was difficult for him to say goodbye to anyone without some semblance of bitterness. He already had a good idea how his last moments with Jaden went.

“I mean, it's like all he could hear me say was 'We're ditchin' you, we're ditchin' you!' I tried to cheer'em up, tell'em we were gonna call and probably find some way to visit him some time, and he didn't wanna hear all that.” Jaden was holding back, but his voice was thick with frustration. “I tried to tell'em I was sorry, and you know what he said?”

“What?” Sukhman already had an idea.

“He just said 'To hell wit' you'n Sukh, ya'll just like everybody else!' then he slammed the door in my face.” Jaden explained.

“It's just too bad I couldn't be there with you, man.” Sukhman said. He and his single father had left Hillside two days before the Burkes, while everyone else were attending school. “But, you gotta understand, Jerome's used to being left behind like this. He's grown to think people don't want to be around him.”

“So, what should we do, should we call him?” Jaden asked.

Sukhman shook his head. “If he wanted to speak to us now, I would've been able to reach him when I called...” He sighed and stretched his arms. “Time is a powerful healing agent and right now that's what Jerome needs.”

“Yeah.” Jaden nodded, yet his mood didn't lift.

Sukhman decided to address that later, right now there were some other curiosities. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“If it were you choice whether to stay in Jamaica, would you?”

Jaden answered without hesitation. “That place's been dead for a long time. This is for the best.”

“Ah.” Now it all made sense. “So, you don't regret leaving, but how you left.”

A sardonic smirk broke Jaden's stony expression. But, just as soon as the smirk appeared, it melted away as Jaden's uncertain returned.

“I mean, we left everything behind to be here, all our friends, all our ties, like my dojang.” Jaden said. “I would've moved to Saint Albans or Cambria Heights if it were up to me. At least we'd still be close to everything.”

While Jaden had been grim and uncertain, Sukhman could hardly suppress his awe and excitement. Their new home, a sleepy suburb called Little Clam was unlike anything he had ever seen in Queens, New York. A clean and friendly suburb where every house had a lush green lawn and white picket fence, clean streets and a myriad of little shops and family-owned resturants, and bits of forest and open grassland Sukhman never thought existed in urbanized New York City.

But, this here seemed to take the cake. Back in Hillside, ambiance counted as rushing traffic, young hoodlums running about shouting and carrying on, the occasional car blasting obnoxious gangster rap. Here, there was little more than the birds and the crickets and the gentle caress of the breeze. And the sky, now a dark blue shade was spotted with millions of tiny, sparkling specks and the full silver moon. Sukhman had only seen such things on countless cartoons and sitcoms.

“Well, I'm glad we came here.” Sukhman said, smiling hopefully. “It's beautiful and I hear this town's really nice. I'm sure we're gonna meets lots of people and make a ton of new friends!”

Jaden, on the other hand, seemed unmoved, however he always seemed a jaded youth. Instead, the uncertainty shifted to that familiar grim anticipation. It made Sukhman frown. “Do you have a bad feeling about this?”

“That's just it; I don't know what I feel.” Jaden sighed. “I mean, I hear this town's nice'n all that, but we don't know anything about it. We don't know anyone and what my dad keeps ranting about, we might be the only black and Sikh kids here. There's just too much going on that I can't guess, man.”

“But, you don't have to, Jaden.” Sukhman calmly countered. “This place isn't like our old home where we have to constantly watch our backs and fight people at school or in the streets. This isn't a town drowning in violence, anger and negativity. This is a nice and peaceful town where everyone gets along and loves one another. We don't have to fight anymore, we can finally just enjoy being kids for once.”

That innocent glint in Sukhman's eye made Jaden cock one of his. However, several years with an idealistic like Sukhman made this sort of thing somewhat routine. Yet, Jaden still seemed tense, expecting and Sukhman picked right up on that immediately.

“Does it sound too good to be true, my friend?”

“It usually is.” Jaden said.

“Hey.” Sukhman said and reached for Jaden's shoulder. “No matter what happens, we still have our families and each other. I know your family doesn't believe in God, but he watches over all. Everything is going to be okay, for once. So, be at peace my friend.”

“Jaden, c'mon!” Called, Jaden's mother from the backdoor of the large white house.

“Coming!” Jaden called back. He cast his gaze up to regard the starry sky for once. For the first time, a genuine smile crossed Jaden's features. “You're right about one thing, Sukh... It really is beautiful.”

Sukhman giggled a bit. “You see, when you see the beauty in all things, especially the small ones, you will find the world isn't so scary and cruel.”

“Yeah...” Jaden conceded then shook his friend's hand. “G'night, man.”

“Good night.” Sukhman returned. “See you tomorrow.”

Jaden nodded then turned to find his mother. Just a little, the guilt and regret following him seemed to melt away. Despite how bad things were getting there, his old home and its inhabitants would always have a small place in his heart. But it was also time to move on and while he couldn't tell how things were going to play, he finally decided to stop worrying and just let things happen as they did.
Last edited by The_Black_Dragon on Tue Jul 10, 2012 9:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Adventures of Los Banditos

Postby Birdofterror » Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:03 am

First off, before I say anything about the story itself, I'll point out spelling errors and flaws.

1: “I mean, it's like all he could here me say was-

You mean, 'hear' correct?

2: Sukhman giggled a bit. “You see, when you see the beauty in all things, especially the small ones, you will find the world isn't so scarry and cruel.”

Scary, you mean. Correct?

There was another in the middle, but I lost it. I couldn't re-find it. Maybe it was my imagination.



Before I talk about the story:

I must admit, after seeing you post for the first few times, I was pleasantly surprised to see you try your hand in this part of the forum. I'm not sure where, but I vaguely recalled you posting about having someone... draw this, correct? Or at least the slightly chubby Sikh kid.

Also, I must suggest avoiding Ed Edd n' Eddy fan-fiction in the future. I am not sure why, but they all have the tendency to become horribly terrible. Even the good ones seem very bad at times. Maybe it's just me...



Now, about the story:

It seemed very good, the music you posted at the beginning provided... mixed results. Without the lyrics it was perfect, but I personally find that lyrics throw off the reading process.

It was easy to read, only ever got hard to read at around the end, I'm not sure why.

That's about it. I'll post more and read more the more you post. I'll keep an eye on this as I do many stories here. Good job.
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

The Chronometal Wars, a fan-fiction taking place in the PPGD Universe. Catastrophe is the only certainty.
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Re: The Adventures of Los Banditos

Postby The_Black_Dragon » Tue Jul 10, 2012 9:24 am

Birdofterror wrote:First off, before I say anything about the story itself, I'll point out spelling errors and flaws.

1: “I mean, it's like all he could here me say was-

You mean, 'hear' correct?

2: Sukhman giggled a bit. “You see, when you see the beauty in all things, especially the small ones, you will find the world isn't so scarry and cruel.”

Scary, you mean. Correct?

There was another in the middle, but I lost it. I couldn't re-find it. Maybe it was my imagination.


Okay, I went back and fixed the errors, including a couple I found myself.



Birdofterror wrote:Before I talk about the story:

I must admit, after seeing you post for the first few times, I was pleasantly surprised to see you try your hand in this part of the forum. I'm not sure where, but I vaguely recalled you posting about having someone... draw this, correct? Or at least the slightly chubby Sikh kid.

Also, I must suggest avoiding Ed Edd n' Eddy fan-fiction in the future. I am not sure why, but they all have the tendency to become horribly terrible. Even the good ones seem very bad at times. Maybe it's just me...


Well, actually it's not just you, but a lot of people. When I posted stories on ff.net, it was difficult to find an Ed, Edd 'n Eddy fic that wasn't some obsessive slash story (I really hate yaoi) or some contrived crossover. Most of my work wasn't that great until perhaps the last couple of years, but lately the more I waited on redoing my last story, the less I found myself wanting to do so.

The funny thing is, when you get so deep into writing about other people's works, the more you start see it as your own and that might lead you to start messing with it in ways you were never meant to. At least that's what made me think about stopping writing EENE fanfiction.



Birdofterror wrote:Now, about the story:

It seemed very good, the music you posted at the beginning provided... mixed results. Without the lyrics it was perfect, but I personally find that lyrics throw off the reading process.

It was easy to read, only ever got hard to read at around the end, I'm not sure why.

That's about it. I'll post more and read more the more you post. I'll keep an eye on this as I do many stories here. Good job.


The music was originally going to be Disposition, also by Tool, but I decided against it since I thought it was too short. But considering the tone and what little lyrics are in the song, it might have gone better. What I was going for was something calm and meditative to go with the quiet and contemplative mood of the scene.

One thing I've been trying to do with my writing is to show instead of tell. You know how most stories try to cram as much info about characters in the narration, right? Here, I wanted to make the characters' actions and dialogue speak for the character themselves. Instead, the narration would be used to help paint the scene.

And thanks. I was starting to get worried that nobody would read this. I'm already working on the next chapter.
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Re: The Adventures of Los Banditos

Postby Birdofterror » Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:28 am

The_Black_Dragon wrote:And thanks. I was starting to get worried that nobody would read this.

Ha... HAHAHAHA!

Ooh, wow... uh...

It took me almost two months to get a response on my story. It took you- what... a day?

I'm the cursed on here. No-one likes to take me seriously for some reason. :(

But yeah, I will keep an eye on your story from now on.
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

The Chronometal Wars, a fan-fiction taking place in the PPGD Universe. Catastrophe is the only certainty.
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Re: The Adventures of Los Banditos

Postby The_Black_Dragon » Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:16 pm

Birdofterror wrote:
The_Black_Dragon wrote:And thanks. I was starting to get worried that nobody would read this.

Ha... HAHAHAHA!

Ooh, wow... uh...

It took me almost two months to get a response on my story. It took you- what... a day?

I'm the cursed on here. No-one likes to take me seriously for some reason. :(

But yeah, I will keep an eye on your story from now on.


Ah, don't be so down on yourself. I'm not sure if people visit this part of the site that often, honestly.
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