New comic idea

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Sat May 05, 2012 8:42 pm

Because It was working a while ago and I thought it was going to work now, so I stated I was going too, but it ended up not happening. That's why. :up:
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Sat May 26, 2012 6:03 pm

Ok good news. I got two illistrators. We begin making the pages on Tuesday. Now the only major thing left is trying to get the PPG D officially in the crossover( This also includes Grim Tales). But that all is if I talk to Bleedman about it.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Sun May 27, 2012 3:39 pm

Well if you are serious about all of this (To be honest until this point it all sounded like a joke) it shouldn't be too hard to strike up like a 5 or 10 minute "meeting" with Bleedman.

Though to be honest the only things you need permission to use is Bell, Professor X and the city of Megaville... probably not even Megaville. Everything else is Cartoon Network and SOME Nickelodeon, which you will not get permission from but if you make no money off of it you will be fine- like the comics nowadays.

I am 95% sure you can use them without his permission anyway, if he gets mad that would merely make him a hypocrite... but once again it shouldn't be too hard to get an appointment.

Talk to any of these people:

Dave: Site Host and Major Admin/Moderator of the entire site.
BeeAre: Writer for PPGD and moderator of PPGD/etc forum.
Seiryuga: Co-Writer for PPGD... I think. He might be on hiatus.
Griddles: Very close friend of Bleedman.

Try talking with Beeare first, he's usually around.

If you can't talk to any of them, just complain until a Moderator fills your request. But I must warn you, Bleedman is insanely busy, and unless you are 100% serious, I do not recommend even TRYING to bother him.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Sun May 27, 2012 7:02 pm

I am 100% serious. I have been writing and planning this for quite some time. And I plan on making no money from this. However the PPG D and Grim Tales play primary roles, I know I don't need permission, but I think I should respect his creation, and I'd prefer it to be and official crossover. Let me explain how this works. The story of this is that after all of the events of Grim Tales we show some of the heroes of that story. However everything around them starts to fall apart. The reason of this is because a Time Paradox was created during the past. The timeline is changed when the PPG D are about 13 or 14 years old, set after the PPG D comic. What the paradox is created when the girls are brought to the setting of my comic that I'm not going into detail right now. And if the Rowdyruff Boys are going to survive the events of PPG D, they would have and appearance as major antagonists.

The comic pages will start to be made on Tuesday. The girls themselves would not get involved untill later , so I have some time to try and talk to the writers.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Mon May 28, 2012 1:25 am

JMBCHIEF wrote:I am 100% serious.
Well that's good. 100% is the best Percentage.
JMBCHIEF wrote: I have been writing and planning this for quite some time.
Most stories lay dormant in the brain phase for years before reaching fruition or ultimately falling into development hell. It is good that you are doing the former before the latter is all that remains.
JMBCHIEF wrote:However the PPG D and Grim Tales play primary roles
That's the part I was curious about.

Both PPGD and Grim tales? I was stalwart in the idea of thinking they were both one in the same, before I eventually gave up. The writers of PPGD, and some of Grim Tales are stern about saying that the two stories as they are now have 'NOTHING' to do with each other.

The max they were willing to say was they exist in separate dimensions, like in a super-hero movie during an apocalypse that changes the world. I had my own theories before deciding that if one timeline was prominent and came first, it was Grim Tales.

Grim tales comes first, and PPGD alters the timeline. This is supported by the constant time travel and giant Hourglasses.

I am rambling, moving on.

JMBCHIEF wrote:I know I don't need permission, but I think I should respect his creation
That's sort of what I've been going with. Don't need it, want it anyway. It's a good thing.
JMBCHIEF wrote:and I'd prefer it to be and official crossover.
Set your bar a little low, he isn't the kind of guy to immortalize his own work, if you are able to talk to him I think there is about a 99% chance of him saying yes. But asking for it to be official is nearly impossible. There is no 'official' fan-fiction as of this post... but who knows later?
JMBCHIEF wrote:The story of this is that after all of the events of Grim Tales we show some of the heroes of that story. However everything around them starts to fall apart. The reason of this is because a Time Paradox was created during the past. The timeline is changed when the PPG D are about 13 or 14 years old, set after the PPG D comic. What the paradox is created when the girls are brought to the setting of my comic that I'm not going into detail right now.
Take off the grim tales and that kind of sounds like my story... shamelessly promoted in my signature. Your concept is good, that much is a given. I am a sucker for time travel. What will make your story infinitely better than mine is the fact it will be drawn.

If you can get this going it will be good, that is a given.
JMBCHIEF wrote:And if the Rowdyruff Boys are going to survive the events of PPG D, they would have and appearance as major antagonists.
Err, I never liked the idea of messing with the Roudyroughs... they don't seem to have very much character development to fall back on, and Bleedman left very cryptic details about their involvement with the story before almost dropping them completely. If you MUST use them, AND you want this to be as legit, official and kosher as possible; be very moderate with the Roudyroughs... Very Very moderate.
JMBCHIEF wrote:The comic pages will start to be made on Tuesday. The girls themselves would not get involved untill later , so I have some time to try and talk to the writers.
That's odd, not putting some of the main characters in early... but hey, it's your story, not mine.

Once again, if you want this to work you NEED to talk to bleedman, get on that ASAP.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Mon May 28, 2012 7:58 am

Well I thought they were all in the same universe, but if they are truly alternate realitys, then screw the Grim Tales thing. But anyway, how do I contact Bleedman?
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Mon May 28, 2012 2:15 pm

Talk to Beeare in this thread, he was on page one. Blue name- picture of a Pony eating Pies. Tell him you are serious, I'm sure things will go well. Make it a PM or something.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Tue May 29, 2012 2:24 pm

Ok BeeAre had told me that he wants to see some concept art, then he may possibly talk to Bleedman about the crossover. I shoul have some concept art up on the site, and maybe even some pages by next week.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Wed May 30, 2012 1:36 pm

Well apparently one of my artists dropped out of the project. I still have another one still attached, but if he drops out, then I may have to look for an online artist. :unsure:
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Sun Jun 03, 2012 11:03 am

Well don't keep us in the dark, if you got something... anything- just drop it here.

Admiring fans does wonder for the ego and the creative mind.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:32 pm

It's getting there, progress is slow, but smooth. At least the slow progress will give us more then enough time to get the info from Dream Drop Distance to stay closer the the Kingdom Hearts continuity.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:44 pm

Well surprise surprise, my only is thinking about leaving due to disagreements on how the story should be done. So here is my proposition. Is there anyone out there who would like to do the drawings, that can draw anime?
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Re: New comic idea

Postby SpiderTiki » Fri Aug 17, 2012 1:28 pm

uhh, i can take a crack at it if you want,
im an okay artist, and have been working at steadily getting better, shoot me a line and i'll see wat i can do for ya
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Aug 17, 2012 1:31 pm

(Welcome back, by the way.)

The only person I know who is even remotely free would be Stan.

He specializes in drawing Anime, as a matter of fact.

I believe he is the single artist behind Titan Sphere, a comic on this site if you look up. And you may find other things he has said in Page 2 of the Bleedman forum, it was locked a while ago so it kinda floated away.

Or the Snafu-Section of this forum. In both locations he made a request about a month and a half ago LOOKING for a new story to draw. A "contest" of sorts went on for about a week and I ended up the winner.

Yes, me.

He has been gone for a couple weeks, said he had some money problems to take care of before he follows up on it, but if there's anyone 'official' who is 'free,' it's Stan.

If that doesn't work out, like I think it wont, try making a thread in the art forum looking for fresh blood if you haven't already.

(Edit: Or the guy above me can do it too. Either way.)
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Sun Aug 19, 2012 12:42 pm

Ok while I try to contact this Stan guy, whoever who would like to draw this comic is welcome to tryout. The comic is anime style as I said before. So whoever wants to tryout must draw a piece of artwork for it. Here are some options.

1. A picture of The Powerpuff Girls D(slightley older) with Spider-Man, Sora, or Master Chief standing in the maw from Kingdom Hearts.

2. Jango Fett and Rukia Kuchiki standing back to back in front of Kingdom Hearts.

3. Xemnas, Ansem The Seeker of Darkness, The Joker( New Batman Adventures style in a purple Organization XIII coat) and Ch'rell the Shredder standing in pitch darkness.

One of those would be appreciated if anyone wants to try. If you do tryout, email me at justinboyle20@yahoo.com
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:02 pm

The postition is still open, for how long I do not know, but if your looking to get your start as a comic artist, take up my offer.
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Artists for Dark Hearts

Postby JMBCHIEF » Sat Oct 06, 2012 9:40 pm

Hello, you may remember me from my previous post "New Comic Idea". But I decided to create a fresh new post. So if anyone who is an artist or a writer who wants a story to work on and is intetested about getting involved just say so. It is a crossover between many different franchises, including PPG D. So just say the word, and I will explain everything you need to know. It is all written and planned, so this can be started soon. Thank you.
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Re: Artists for Dark Hearts

Postby Tuor » Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:10 am

Hey there! I know you're eager for this to work out, but there's no real need to open up another thread, especially when the old thread is still on the first page. I'll just merge these.

Good luck with this!
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:38 pm

I didn't want to resort to this, but I am going to tell the first chapter of the comic I'm written form in an attempt to get more people interested. It is told from Buttercup D's perspective, and is set after the defeat of the main antagonists of PPGD. (However that happens)

Chapter 1

Did you ever wonder what the multiverse was? You probably have. But the truth is not a pleasant one. Let me tell you my story, and how I went from a hotheaded yet good meaning superhero, to the woman I am now.

Let us begin shortly after my team, The Powerpuff Girls, and our allies defeated Dr. X and his team of super powered freaks. We used to think those guys were the toughest, along with HIM. But oh were we wrong.

We were all at school, Megaville Elementary. I remember feeling so triumphant after saving the world from that bastard Dr. X. It was a normal, happy day, without a care in the world. That is until I heard the secretary get on the school speaker and make the announcement that would start the beginning of the fucked up horror we had to face.

"Students and Faculty! This is an emergency! Many students and teachers were just found dead in the school lunch room! Everyone in the beginning must evacuate immediately!"

At the time was confused. I remember it so vividly. I was sitting in math class, then that announcement came on and everyone started running and screaming. I wasn't really sure if what was happening was real because of how odd it was. But I soon went from a confused state, to a state of horror after I passed the cafeteria with my sisters. While at that moment, I saw what was in there for a few seconds, the image was etched in to my brain. My freind's and teacher's guts spread all over the god damn room.

"What...the...fuck?" Was all that I could mutter after seeing that sight. I still didn't understand exactly what was going on. Everything was happening so fast. One moment I was having a nice time, and the next everybody was running and screaming.

When we all got outside, I managed to get a grip on everything. I was standing with my sisters, Dexter, and Jack. Dexter was hugging Blossom, and Bubbles was crying, as were most other students and teachers.

"What the hell is going on here? People found dead just now in the lunch room?" Yelled Jack.

"Yeah...we...we saw it." I said.

"So there is a murderer around here now?" Questioned Dexter.

"They sure as hell didn't die naturally." I replied.

A group of police officers and and the swat team arrived. They started questioning students and faculty alike, and went inside the school. They were in there for about 20 minutes, until 2 officers came out and called for my sisters and I.

"Girls, during the building search we found this." Said an officer. They handed Blossom a piece of paper written in blood that read, "Bring the Powerpuff Girls to the cafeteria immediately."

"Would you please come inside girls? This is our only lead." Said the other officer.

"We have to. Lets go girls." Said Blossom.

"Right." I said.

"Okay..." Bubbles said hesitantly.

Walking into that cafeteria made me feel terribly sick. I now got a closer look at the scene. There was blood and guts all over the floor and tables. Bodies cut up and mutilated. Once again my only reaction was "What the fuck?" So many people I knew were lying dead in front of me, like Otto, whose stomache was opened up, and his insides were everywhere. There was at least 50 some people who were slaughtered. But who would do such a thing, and how? My sisters had the same reaction as well, but Bubbles actually started to break down and cry, while Blossom was crying but keeping herself stable. I even threw up I was so sickened.

After about 5 minutes of observing the massacre, the 20 officers who were in the room with us were demanding for the killer to show themselves. When the officers stopped yelling, the lights flashed off very fast and after 2 seconds they turned back on. All the officers were all dead. And 4 people stood in from of the entrance of the cafeteria. Once more I was at a loss to what was happening. I hoped I was just dreaming, but that was certainly not the case.

The 4 men stood in a row. At the left end of the row was a man in a large purple coat with his hood up. He seemed to be the smallest of the 4. Next to him was a man in the same coat but black. He was the second to smallest of the group. Next to him was a man whose attire looked identical to the previous man, though he was a bit more taller and muscular. The last man was entirely different from the others. He was in a robotic samurai like suit. His most notable feature was his large claw on his wrist. He was the largest of the men.

"Hello girls. I've taken that you've completely observed this incident? Said the second to largest man.

"Who the hell are you? And why did you murder these people? Tell me before I rip you all to shreds!" I yelled.

"That would be me my dears. What's wrong, you don't like my art work?" The man in the purple coat said, laughing hysterically. His voice was so distinct and insane.

"Why?" Blossom yelled while crying.

"To grab your attention. We have some big news for you today." Said the samurai like man.

"Oh you got it fuckers!" I screamed and went to attack the laughing man. But my efforts were futile and after an easy flick from the second to largest man, I was down and in pain. It hurt so much, and he only flicked me. I couldn't believe what just happened.

Blossom attempted to throw a hand blast at them, but before she could even do it, the other man in the black coat teleported behind her, and punched her in the back and she immediately went down. She screamed so hard. The man then quickly kicked Bubbles before she could react and she was out cold. I thought this was the end. I was going to die a death that I didn't even understand how it happened. But then the man who attacked me came up and started to speak.

"As you can see,you wouldn't last more than 10 seconds against us. But fear not, I have a proposition for you three. I'm going to cut to the chase and tell you what you need to know, so do not interrupt me. I am the leader of a group known as Organization XIII. This is it's third incarnation. You may call me the Guardian. You will find out these 3 and the other 9's name later. We have just kidnapped your father."

"What?" I said, in pain.

"Yes" The man continued. "You see I am a seeker of truth and I wish to find out what is truly supposed to be higher in the multiverse. Good or Evil. So I am gathering as many different heroes and villains from the multiverse to participate in a multiverse war. You three interest me very much and I would like to see you fight in the war. But your current skills are less than sterling. So I am giving you until your 14th birthday to train as hard as you possibly can in order to raise your power to an acceptable level. When that date comes, you will be summoned to another universe to fight in the war, and save your father. If you don't understand, too bad. Just train as hard as you can and all will be clear when your 14. Goodbye."

All 4 men quickly warped away in darkness. I was more confused than ever. People were dead, our father was kidnapped and we have to train as hard as hell for about 3 years to fight in a war. This was only the very beginning of a nightmare that seemed endless. We explained everything that occurred to the the world, and it had massive media coverage. Because our father was kidnapped, we had to stay with Jack, who was appointed as our legal Guardian. But we did what we were told, and trained every single day until our 14th birthday. The training was excruciatingly hard and painful. But we needed it like that, or else there was no chance we would have survived in the war. But our birthday neared, and we were ready.

End of Chapter 1

So that is how the first chapter would go, of course it would be alot smoother in comic form. There are some things not included like Buttercup's narrating. Also the chapter in the comic would end when the Organization members leave. After that we focus on the start of the war and how it begins, and we go off from there. Of course the dialogue may need some tweaking, but things will be a lot easier when it's animated. Also sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, as I am doing it from my phone and it can get confusing.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:25 am

It'll be interesting to see how long this lasts if both myself and Bird are here. teh.

Now, in my least humble opinion, there is a lot of work to be done here. that's good though, it gives us room to work with. Warning though, this isn't going to make you feels good. this post, no matter how you may feel while reading it, is not meant to be an attack in anyway. It is constructive feedback and or criticism. It is what you are going to need to develop you comic into something worth reading. It can be blunt, and as many here will testify, I am a very blunt person. Shall we proceed?

Lets start with the basic facts. First and for most, I think it is rather sad that you wish to have someone do this for you, instead of developing the art skills on your own in pursuit of a fantasy world that only you in your mind can fully comprehend and see. It shows a lack of commitment in my eyes, and also shows that you want to do this. So at least you have drive. This is just in my first observation, lets continue.

JMBCHIEF wrote:I didn't want to resort to this, but I am going to tell the first chapter of the comic I'm written form

This isn't a bad thing, despite what you think. Nor is it a last resort. Writing this does first as you indicated, it gets you work out there. Some publicity never hurts. Wait, I better warn you about this next part, because it is going to happen to you for your own good. People will point out errors, mistakes, and interesting things that may make sense for you, but doesn't to the reader. Its going to be feedback. Pay attention to it. Because trust me, we all have better things to be doing.
So reasons why this is a good step.
1: Gets you're work out there. (While this is good, it is better too if you get an avatar and become an active member in the community in Snafu. Nobody is going to pay much attention to you if they don't know who you are.)
2: Criticisms are going to refine your talent and make you better. This is a lot like working out. We are your weights and trainers. Its pretty stupid to get mad at those things wile working out. Seriously, we have better things to be doing, get too pissed off at us, and we'll probably go do the dishes instead of reading this.

JMBCHIEF wrote:It is told from Buttercup D's perspective, and is set after the defeat of the main antagonists of PPGD

Question though, why her perspective in the first person? You could still have it be in the third person and have the focus be on her, which I assume is your favorite PpG. I mean if she wasn't, why would she be here? You want your main character, whoever it is to be the center of attention. The best way to do this is in the third person, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, etc. All of them use the third person. Why? Because it is the most flexible of all of the ranges of Narrative.

Third-person narration provides the greatest flexibility to the author and thus is the most commonly used narrative mode in literature. In the third-person narrative mode, each and every character is referred to by the narrator as "he", "she", "it", or "they", but never as "I" or "we" (first-person), or "you" (second-person). In third-person narrative, it is obvious that the narrator be merely an unspecified entity or uninvolved person that conveys the story, but not a character of any kind within the story being told[citation needed]. Third-person singular (he/she) is overwhelmingly the most common type of third-person narrative, before there have been successful uses of the third-person plural (they). Even more common, however, is to see singular and plural used together in one story, at different times, depending upon the number of people being referred to at a given moment in the plot. In third-person narratives, a character never would refer to himself in the third-person e.g., "(Character name) would like to come with you".[citation needed]

If the narrator of the story is not present or is present but not a protagonist and a story told by someone else and not his own, the story is narrated by He/She perspective.[5]

The third-person modes are usually categorized along two axes. The first is the subjectivity/objectivity axis, with "subjective" narration describing one or more character's feelings and thoughts, while "objective" narration does not describe the feelings or thoughts of any characters. The second axis is between "omniscient" and "limited", a distinction that refers to the knowledge available to the narrator. An omniscient narrator has omniscient knowledge of time, people, places and events; a limited narrator, in contrast, may know absolutely everything about a single character and every piece of knowledge in that character's mind, but it is "limited" to that character — that is, it cannot describe things unknown to the focal character. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_mode


So I would change my tone from this limiting first person, to third person. If you want I can take this, change it to the third person narrative to show you what I am talking about. I'll even extend my services to you as an editor. In third person its going to be easier to read, and more enjoyable to the readers themselves.

JMBCHIEF wrote:Did you ever wonder what the multiverse was?

Not really. Is that the place Necromongers wanted to go in the Chronicals of Riddick? No? Hmm...

JMBCHIEF wrote:Did you ever wonder what the multiverse was? You probably have. But the truth is not a pleasant one. :unsure: Let me tell you my story, and how I went from a hotheaded yet good meaning superhero, to the woman I am now.

Is it Buttercup? Is she the Multiverse?

Oh, hey. Lookie right thar. Confusion. The unsure smile is going to help me here. Its going to mark the point where a terrible transition point occurred Between idea number one, and idea number two.

First you introduced this "Multiverse" thing, which is somewhat self explanatory if someone knows your character line up such as myself. However, you aren't suppose to yet. So there is this thing that you bring up, and then suddenly abandoned it like a scared child getting chased by a buffalo. We don't know what it is. If it is going to be explained latter, I wouldn't even mention it then, and would focus more on introdusing Buttercup as a matured woman. You could say something like this-

"Years ago, I thought my life to be simple. It was me, and my sisters in Megaville, and some of their dorky friends, like that Dexter kid who had a crush on Blossom. We had our good share of adventures, you know, the normal monster, evil scientist, bad guy. It was fun, even those times with Bell and the Dark Star Council. Those times... they didn't end well.

We thought we had seen everything, well, almost anything as we grew older. The next series of events though, really changed my life, and made me into the woman that I am now. It became an event known as the Multiverse-"

Then you can lead into the story. An interesting idea if you want to keep the First person comments in. I love this, but I haven't seen too many books that do it. The first is an example in the Starcraft book called "Liberty's Crusade" Its all told by a news reporter named Micheal Liberty. He is narrating his experience that he spent with the Sons of Kohal as they defeated the Terran Confederacy in a nes report after it had all happened, kinda like you are doing. At the beginning of each chapter, there is a good sized paragraph from his "news/report" thing, talking about the chapter. Either hinting at what is going to happen, or explaining some background detail, or expounding on transitions between the chapters. THEN when you read the rest of the chapter it goes back to third person. The second example is present in the Star Wars series "Legacy of the Force", this is more evident in the books that Karen Travis wrote, as the series was written by three authors. But there was a set of text before the beginning of each chapter that opened up the story more. Such things appears as journal entries of characters, news reports, and other kinds of messages.

JMBCHIEF wrote:bastard
JMBCHIEF wrote:the god damn room.

"What...the...fuck?

Now I brought these out here for some continuity flaws. The adult Buttercup would probably use this language, however the PpGD Buttercup wouldn't use it, or at least wouldn't be so free to use it. With her using it, it becomes harder to picture this being Buttercup with such a class of words. We all know Buttercup to be a punk, and a badass. It wouldn't suprise us if she said "dammit" or some other minor word every so often, but not wit a frequency like this. Curse words are only impressive when used right. Not all the time. See Punisher Warzone, and you'll know what I am talking about.

Now if this is the adult Buttercup, then you need to transition the memory into a present day field, no one wants to read some recite a flashback for a book. That's why transition between first and third would work so well. Moving on...

JMBCHIEF wrote:Everyone in the beginning must evacuate immediately!

I agree. Everyone in the beginning needs to evacuate... wait. Oh, you mean building, yeah man, they are two totally different things.

I still agree with it though.

JMBCHIEF wrote:I still didn't understand exactly what was going on.

Neither do I Buttercup. I do wonder though, how long you've been planning this. It was quick, there is little detail.

JMBCHIEF wrote:"What the hell is going on here? People found dead just now in the lunch room?" Yelled Jack.

K. this isn't Jack. He is a noble warrior, he doesn't curse. Never has.

JMBCHIEF wrote:After about 5 minutes of observing the massacre

Why were they in there for so long after having such violent reactions. why didn't the officers com in with them? Also odd to have exactly 20.

Another problem, you want to stick to spelling numbers out ( 20 = twenty ), and leave the numerical display for named items, such as M16. It keeps it neat a tidy.

JMBCHIEF wrote:the 20 officers who were in the room with us were demanding for the killer to show themselves. When the officers stopped yelling

Not very policeman-ish. Out of character.

JMBCHIEF wrote:the lights flashed off very fast and after 2 seconds they turned back on. All the officers were all dead

That is a silly amount of time to kill 20 people. There is no way in fuck, four guys could do that, I don't care how much they look like a Samurai, or can teleport. I want you to get five of your friends, spread them out like police would, and try to touch them all in two seconds, and get to a point away from them that is established as a door, and the post that on Youtube. Then I will believe it is possible. But for now, it isn't. Its going against what people would envision police, especially how SWAT officers would position themselves and act.

JMBCHIEF wrote: dead. And

You need a comma instead of a period. I take it that English class isn't a strong suit?

JMBCHIEF wrote:The 4 men stood in a row. At the left end of the row was a man in a large purple coat with his hood up. He seemed to be the smallest of the 4. Next to him was a man in the same coat but black. He was the second to smallest of the group. Next to him was a man whose attire looked identical to the previous man, though he was a bit more taller and muscular. The last man was entirely different from the others. He was in a robotic samurai like suit. His most notable feature was his large claw on his wrist. He was the largest of the men.


Your description here is really terrible. As an artist myself, I could not draw these guys with what you have given me. Why the hell are they standing in a row for? Creativity is very poor, and you displayed you bad guys in a terrible stick figure way. I can already imagine the PpGD Buttercup, but you're bad guys not really, and that is a huge problem.

The bad guys must be the most memorable part of your story. They are crucial in any field of drama. They are the archetypes that make your story flare, and you need to design your characters yo be cool and as unforgettable as possible. Why? Because interesting villains make for interesting stories, the more interesting they are the greater the pull. The actions of the vilian are going to drive your story. The hero just as to react.
"The more successful the villain, the more successful the picture." - Alfred Hitchcock
Darth Vader, and Star Wars.


JMBCHIEF wrote:3 years to fight in a war. This was only the very beginning of a nightmare that seemed endless. We explained everything that occurred to the the world, and it had massive media coverage. Because our father was kidnapped, we had to stay with Jack, who was appointed as our legal Guardian. But we did what we were told, and trained every single day until our 14th birthday. The training was excruciatingly hard and painful. But we needed it like that, or else there was no chance we would have survived in the war. But our birthday neared, and we were ready.


So the Multiverse was a war. that would have been better in the beginning to say "Let me tell you about the Multiverse War".

Biggest problem with your ending, (which did have some redemption to it... not really) is the three years. THREE YEARS. The problem isn't that it lasted that long, but that you did nothing in that time period, and just made it pass like bad gas. There is an incredible amount of potential you have in those years. Character development is the main one, continued adventures would be another. You expect me to believe that the villains they usually fought saw the girls training and decided not to bother them? You could do a minimum of three books or arcs here, each one detailing what the girls did in the individual years to train and to improve.

Experiment time

One year for each book or arc. They could still be exploring the Multiverse as well, or at least have Dexter doing that, and every book or arc could be a break through where they would go to a different universe as the plot for that book or arc. You could even throw in times when they and someone one else fight the Guardian at that time. Those three years are going to be your story, and the War is going to be your final master piece, the apex where everything lead up to it. Like Harry Potter. All of those bull shit adventures and things lead up to one event, Harry vs Voldemort. You can do that here, and it would be met with a lot of success.

JMBCHIEF wrote:of course it would be alot smoother in comic form.

I would hope so.

TL;DR
Its terrible, and needs to be redone. There are major grammatical, and story development errors. If I were to take this and correctly review it, I would be rewriting it, and hoping to still keep the idea that you had. I don't have the time and the patience to be that nit-picky.
You need an editor, and not just someone that rereads your work to make sure its nice, but to bounce ideas off. In fact, get a few people.

Now its midnight for me, and I have to pull the back end of a semi-truck off tomorrow and hope that it isn't busted up all to hell. So I'm going to bed.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Nov 02, 2012 5:18 am

Jesus Bloodlord, that is a metric ton of text. But I pushed through it, so I'm going to have to pat myself on the back later.

I share most of what Blood has said, except I don't really have a preference on the first/third person view of things. After all, my story is neither of those. It's more of a Bird's Eye view. Pardon the Pun and the Irony. My story isn't told from any one individual's perspective.

That said, a lot of what Blood said rings true- even the part when he says most of them are nit-picks.

For example, what he said about Jack was completely correct- he is one of the few characters in this story who would probably NEVER swear. Buttercup is likely to be the one to do the most cursing, so I don't have any preferences on her.

Something I need to help you with now is that the three dots/three periods/... after putting that, you should put a space after it.

Such as... this.

Also, something Blood surprisingly didn't poke at, the fact that the School Intercom says that people were killed. I seriously doubt any school on the planet would outright say that, changing it to simply stating an emergency and that all faculty and kids should move outside would be better in my opinion.

Also; from personal experience, I would have to say that the whole 'do it yourself' thing isn't that bad, really. You get to put in your own hours, and when all is said and done, you are left with something you did completely on your own.

I think G-O and Bloodlord are completely correct on this topic. Try making a couple concept sketches and submitting them to the Art sections. I promise you it will be fine. While I will admit that drawing is infinitely harder than Writing, they both improve the same exact way.

Experience. Who knows? If you wanted, you could just convert this to a story- and not a comic.

Worked (Relatively) well for me.

Also; as for the idea bouncing, I have sort of already been doing that with him. To be honest, what we are looking at with this chapter here is much better than it could have been, so he seems to take to criticisms well.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Fri Nov 02, 2012 6:30 am

Here's the thing, like I said the dialogue defiantly needs improvement, which is what I'm concerned about. The biggest problem is that it looked like shit because it's not meant to be written like this, and being a comic would make it better. And like I said, I just told it from her perspective here because she becomes the main focus in the second part, though it would not be so in the comic. And one more thing I'd like to add is that we cut the three years short because it would be too long and not much happens instead of them training constantly. They do mention that Dexter had tried into other universes, but he fails.
I will discuss more later.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:52 am

JMBCHIEF wrote:I will discuss more later.
Do you even 'want' to discuss more later? I mean, you aren't really listening to us. This? This here? This story telling in an attempt to snare yourself an artist is something that probably isn't going to happen.

I tried to help you a year or so ago, but I don't think you realize that anymore. I still am trying to help you- so here is what I'm going to say to help you. It's going to sound blunt.

This forum gets very little traffic. Whatever artists are here are already tied up with their own things. With the site closed there cannot be any NEW artists here. You are 99% shit out of luck. You have 3 options at this point.

1: Convert it into a story instead of a comic, and post it here.
2: Attempt to draw it yourself.
3: Try to get a hold of those other artists you had at the beginning.

All are completely fine, but you have less than 1% in my eyes of getting a 'new' artist. Not trying to sound mean, but I honestly think you would be better off doing it yourself. Once you have done this for several years and have gotten better and better, you will know it was the right thing to do. I promise.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby JMBCHIEF » Fri Nov 02, 2012 12:52 pm

I will just try and get artists my age to help who can already draw. They will be hard to find, but it's my only option. I would try and get better at drawing myself, but that would take years, and I probably wouldn't be able to focus on the project. But I will take what you said, and handle it. Because once I get any anime artist things will be good. I know that much.
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Re: New comic idea

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Nov 02, 2012 4:11 pm

Birdofterror wrote:Jesus Bloodlord, that is a metric ton of text.

inorite? I am so proud. However, I don't think he read a word that I wrote.

JMBCHIEF wrote: I would try and get better at drawing myself, but that would take years, and I probably wouldn't be able to focus on the project

So you're lazy? Dude, that's the joy of getting good at something. You are going to have to work at it from the ground before you build the penthouse. You said that you were in your teen years, that's plenty of time. Do yourself a favor, go buy An Idiot's Guide to Drawing Manga. Fantastic book, I'm using it right now, and Massive Manga. Take some art classes. Do you know how old Bleedman is? He's in his 40's. I don't know when he started drawing, but it took him a while to get where he is at. If you apply yourself, you could probably surpass Bleedman in a few years. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that you're 14.

Anything can happen, you might even be able to develop this project into something better, or new ones will emerge. Do as Bird says, preferably options 1 and 2. Instead of finding someone to draw for you, ask someone for help to learn.

JMBCHIEF wrote:the dialogue defiantly needs improvement, which is what I'm concerned about. The biggest problem is that it looked like shit because it's not meant to be written like this, and being a comic would make it better.

K. Read this. As an artist, if you were to submit this to me as it is, there would be really nothing for me to draw. There is no description and I would be using a huge artistic license. There isn't that much of a conversion between a written story and a comic plot before it is given to someone to draw. Arguably, the comic plot is written more as a script.

JMBCHIEF wrote:like I said

You didn't say these anywhere. If you did early on in your thread, then you need to stop assuming that I read the entire thread before I post.

JMBCHIEF wrote:being a comic would make it better.

No it wouldn't.

JMBCHIEF wrote:I just told it from her perspective here because she becomes the main focus in the second part, though it would not be so in the comic.

So you changed it here, but it wouldn't be so there. So why did you change it at all? You can still have third person and keep the focus on a single person. Go pick up nearly any book for more examples of this.

JMBCHIEF wrote:And one more thing I'd like to add is that we cut the three years short because it would be too long and not much happens instead of them training constantly.

I JUST GAVE YOU A GOLDMINE OF IDEAS TO DO THAT WOULD KEEP THIS SHIT AFLOAT LONGER.

Don't write those years off. You're story/comic is going to suffer if you jump from PpGD Buttercup, to a 14 year old version of her in a matter of pages. You need to explore that region. BTW, you're also 14.

JMBCHIEF wrote:Because once I get any anime artist things will be good. I know that much.

No it won't.
Technically, you could really clam it to be your comic/story anymore either. Credit is going to go to the guy that drew it, instead of you.
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