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Oh lord is this third one full of problems, so many problems. Even with the first person stuff changed to third person, this is your worse yet. Sorry I'm being harsh, but I really need to confront you about this, mostly so I can help, but this had a mixture of pain this bit. I'm not saying this was bad, I liked the world you're bring us into and I want to see more of it, the stories becoming incredible and this certainly feels like it's going to be bad-ass (If you don't mind the phrase) epic.
I like the characters that are being introduced, especially the first fight scene, it's all good really. Though I wish you'd describe the surroundings more, you're making me stand in a black fog here where I can only see the characters, but very a little around them and it's really aggravating. But this here isn't too much of a problem, these are though.
The introduction of this third part is almost done badly for the simple fact that you tell us that Clyde got dumped, which ruins any build up, shock or drama. This could be easily fixed if you just took that bit you told us and leave it to Clyde telling he got dumbed. Sorry but that's a big ruiner right there, I see some big clutz towering over and smashing me on the head with a hammer.
Another problem is how short and undescriptive the other characters are introduced. Really you get away with it I think. But seriously, could do with more telling where they are, what do the buildings look like, what's the landscape, air. All you really have to do is say something like 'Bright in the morning in the urban city, someone...".
Next problem is when all the other characters meet Riotala and Rena. You simply move that aside, when I think that could actually use a proper introduction. Like is controlling dark mass natural in the world you're giving us? Because there's no real explanation to it and the characters certainly aren't shocked when Riotala hooks herself to the ground with the tentacles. Seriously, I'd go back and have a scene where Riotala's introduced and someone explains about the dark mass thing.
Anyways, here's some notes. Again sorry if I'm being harsh, just really need to stress this.
the reluctantly single boy sighed at his godsister/ Rubbing that in aren't ya?
"Sasha dumped him, I think. He didn't say."/ Why did you tell us this early when the character was?
If it wasn't so long since then last sunrise./ Do you mean since the last sunrise?
You can gimme the M-Brace, You can die,/ This would sound so much more natural if you had or, instead of a comma.
The sound of a rocket launcher firing filled the air and it made Nekoda's ears perk./ Not only can this sentence be shorter, but what I find better in my opinion is describing what the rocket sounded like, instead of saying it was a rocket.
As he said that, the rocket proppelled it's way to the other side of the roof, exploding and leaving a large crater in the ground as the boys watched the smoke clear./ Now this sentence could be expanded to leave more drama. Then again it could just be easily solved with more full stops.
Bainz just turned down his evil grin back to his trademark smirk. Just as planned./ This sentence could be a lot shortened and scratch the, just as planned, I'm pretty sure we know he's smirking because he thought of a dirty joke.
a crimson-haired girl of 17 sighed/ What I say about using numbers?
She lets on a cocky grin./ In my opinion, this sentence would sound dumb if you writ something like the slid a cocky grin.
With the crowd listening/ I'd thought they'd be covering their ears, who comes to a concert to listen anyways, I ask you?
A sound interrupted her train of thought./ Again, better if you said something like, she suddenly heard (Insert sound she heard)
their faces were a sure sign that they were savages/ Savage describes something that's uncivilized, barbaric or violent, how is wearing a mask any of those things?
And no Joker would interrupt her thoughts./ I'm just going to ask,
"Why was I chosen?"/ Good question, why is a scientist testing something on a bunch of kids, especially one that's unwell? Is he mad or something?
A nervous laugh escaped the scientist./ Thanks for clarifying the hehehe stuff, wasn't exactly sure what that was.
"I have a life, I don't need to risk it doing this./ Don't worry, the scientist said it was a 100% safe, but heck if he's lying, you can always sue him, he'll probably go to prison anyhows if you don't.
Rena SCOFFED./ Why is this in capitals?
Zola held onto the control board, since it wasn’t sparking anymore./ Again, sentence dumb, please rephrase.
“Grr.. Zola, your Doctor’s a prick!!” Clyde shouted at his green-haired friend./ One, this sentence is dumb, two its too random and out of context and three are there any other Zolas?
But she wouldn’t let go/ Odd I would.
were being sucked into it themselves, arms tugging them in/ We got it, portal's sucking them in, but are you actually saying that the arms are helping them get sucked in.
They were both terrified./ No really?
…Zola was the first to go/ Go where?
“…aw, shit…” Clyde grumbled. A horrid week’s worth of drama and sci-fi weirdness this has been./ A great reaction to someone whose just seen his best friend go away and a great time to think about this stuff while being sucked in.
Sasha’s not his girlfriend anymore, he’s in a room with a mad scientist, and not only Zola, but a SIX-YEAR-OLD was sucked into a door to hell knows where./ We know this.
They were all gone./ What was all gone? Certainly wasn't the characters, more of half of them are still there.
Keep on writing and working on copying your cover, just taking longer than I thought it would.
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