KidFunny: Fall of the Son: PG- 13: Original Work: Ch.1

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KidFunny: Fall of the Son: PG- 13: Original Work: Ch.1

Postby KidFunny » Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:36 am

Yo whats going on?

So im new here and i just wanted other peoples opinion on this story i've been working on. Here's some background info:

Plot: Year is 2632 A.D. Man has successfully colonized the moon. They're five major colonies each being funded by one of the five major world powers (more about that later). The most successful city is Nova Arago, which half the story takes place in, is governed by the Seleno family who are under constant pressure by the citizens to break off from the Universal Terran Federation and form their own nation without the taxes from an outside government. Think the American revolutionary war but in outer space.

Lunarians- People born on the moon, due to less gravity they are taller, and paler in complexion, they're faster then their earthborn cousins but have brittler bones.

Nova Arago: Utopian city located near the Arago crater on the moon. originally a mining colony when they found a new source of fuel from moon rocks city became a space port .

Selenoium- New source of fuel found by the founder of the Seleno family- highly valuable on earth

Muzen Empire- World power funding Nova Arago capital based in the middle of the pacific ocean mix between Asian and Central/ Southern American culture, Headed by Emperor Gaius III.

Crest Seleno IV- 19 y/o-One of the main characters family is head of Nova Arago, Laid-back and charismatic he generally cares for his people and is neutral on the politcal stance of the cities situation.

Alright now that we're caught up lets begin.






"Sir i don't recommend you leave the estate those Black Moon patronizers seem to be gathering outside the gate." Jasper commented in an concerned voiced,

" Come on Jasper, you really think Aragonians would turn on us over some stupid politically squabble, i mean last year it was fear of occupation by the Universal Terran Federation." Crest said nonchalantly.

" But sir they're..."

" Don't interrupt! its rude i thought they taught you that in butler school, any way im off to see whats going on around the city." Crest retorted.

"Do be careful sir, wouldn't want another call girl incident to occur."

" First off i was at a party and she was.... oh never mind."

As Crest walked through the regal hallway he couldn't help but to think of the rowdy crowd of Black Moon supporters waiting for him at the gate, each one protesting against a government that doesn't understand the needs of the people they run. as he reared his head past the outside door he was greeted with jeers and shouts from the protesters.

"MUZEN DOG!"
" TRAITOROUS SCUM!!!"

As he stared at an infuriated crowd he couldn't help but notice two people, one was up close toward the gate a scruffy kid who looked a little younger than Crest. his hair was bound down by a black bandanna his face was covered with dust and his eyes were 2 different colors one was a pale blue the other was hazel color, a common trait found in children with Lunarian and Terran parents. The other was a Terran girl in the back who was being harassed by a group of soldiers in what seemed to black riot gear. The girl, a dirty blonde wearing a white button up shirt that accentuated her curves and form fitted gray jeans , seemed scared and confused. Crest knew he had to calm the angry mob.

"People please my father is doing whats best for his people!" Crest said calmly.

"YOUR NOTHING BUT SELLOUTS! PUPPETS WHO CANT EVEN PULL THIER OWN STRINGS!" Shouted the scruffy kid.

" My family founded this city! my ancestor Crest Seleno the first found the original fuel source which helped build this city into what it is today a bustling utopia free of injustice and poverty. now tell me kid, what would my family have to gain if we sold out our citizens for some gold? You people are the heart and soul of Nova Arago we want whats best for the people not for ourselves without you citizen there wouldnt be a Nova Arago!"

The crowd slowly calmed to insightful words. Crest moved through the crowd and approached the Terran girl being harassed by the unknown group of soldiers. Crest throws his arm over the girls waist and says,

"Hey babe sorry about that, didn't mean to keep you waiting come on will be late for a lunch reservation at Mario's. "

"I um...." the confused girl stutters.

" Say no more! we'll cancel and just get a bite to eat at that new buffet come on, i hear there's a special on dim sum. Now if you guys excuse us we have a lunch to get to."

Crest grabs the girls hand and quickly pushes his way past the guards and moves quickly down the road toward the shopping district.

" Name?" Crest questioned,

" .... Tanah, thank you by the way." the girl replied

" It was my pleasure, its not often i get to rescue a earth girl from some soldiers. So Tanah what you hungry for?"

"Excuse me?"

"well i did save you from some armed guards the least you can do is let me take you out and show you around my city."

"Your city?"

" I mean i am the son of Mort Seleno of Nova Arago."

" I think i heard of you, weren't you on the news for some kind of scandal with a call girl or something?"

"First off i was at a party and she was.."

" Halt! Crest Seleno IV your under arrest." ordered a soldier with the same type of armor as the soldiers who were questioning Tanah.

"Under whose order? look if this is because i turned down your daughter for a date i'll make it up to her with a pity date but right now im out with my friend Tanah and we're about too.."

The guards raise their rifles and aim at Crest and Tanah.

" Under the orders of Emperor Gaius III and the Muzen City council your under arrest for treason against the goverment, now surrender or we'll use lethal force."

" I don't know whats going on but i surrender just let my friend here go she has nothing to do with this conspiracy she's only a tourist." Crest said.

"She can go just step forward toward us." the soldier ordered.

Crest walked forward with his hand in the air and told Tanah to leave.

" Crest i can't just go, what if they kill you?!"

"I'll be fine just get going, dont worry i'll make it up to you with another dinner date."

Tanah gave a faint smile and slowly backed away and ran hoping to look for some help.

As Crest approached the soldiers, he over heard one of them say,

"Kill her."

Crest quickly retorted,

" BUT WE HAD A DE-!"

before being knocked in the face by the butt of the rifle.

When he came too he was in his families dining room with his mother and father and younger sister all of them were bound to chairs.

" WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!! WE HAVE SERVED THE EMPEROR FAITHFULLY!" Crest's fathered proclaimed.

" That may be so sir, but the Emperor wants you out of the picture." The Captain explained.

The captain pulls out his pistol and looks Crest's mother in the eyes and gives a sinister smile before shooting her point blank in the head.

"MOM!"

"CRYSTA-"

A shot went through Crest's father's skull before he could finish his wife's name.

"It's nothing personal kid, you were just at the wrong end."

Crest clenched his eye deeply in fear, with thoughts of his family racing through his mind, he wasn't ready for death he was barely a man, what would happen to his people to his sister what would become of Nova Arago with his families death?

*BANG!*

The shot was fired, Crest opened his eyes to see Jasper standing in front of him with a smoking gun.

" I'm so glad to see you Jasp-"

"NO TIME SIR! TAKE YOUR SISTER AND GET OUT OF HERE!"

Crest nodded as he got up from the chair he noticed his sister wasn't in the room anymore. As Crest frantically raced around the rooms he heard cries for help coming from the outside. He raced toward the doors as fast as he could hoping he sister was okay. as he burst through the doors he saw two soldiers shove his sister into the back of a apc truck, as he sprinted toward the truck the soldiers noticed and fired at him. a spray of bullet pierced the side of his chest causing him to fall in agony, as looked up he saw his sister bashing on the back window screaming for help as Crest reached out his left hand while holding his side with his right. As he was losing consciousness he heard the sounds of gunfire and the screams of his people around him. the smell of gasoline and burned flesh lingered in the air. the cry of a infant losing it's mother the sound of metal casing falling to the floor. His once idyllic city was reduced to a burning war zone where adults and children alike were gundown in the streets.

As the life was slowly fading away from him a familiar face loomed over his, it was Tanah and the scruffy kid from the gate.

" Tanah is that you?" Crest weakly asked.

"Save your energy Crest, Rom do you have anymore healing gels?" Tanah asked the scruffy kid.

"We dont have time for this, his family is the whole reason the city is like this! besides we need to make it to the shuttle pods before the-"

"Rom! we need to save his life whether this was his families fault or not he is still a human being who needs our help."

"Fine let me see the wound." Rom said begrudgingly,

"I guess this makes us even huh Crest." Tanah smiled.

"All right hurry we need to make it to those shuttle pods before they all leave!" Cried Rom.

End of part 1.

Sorry if this flows kid of choppy i originally intended to write this as a comic, please tell me what you guys think criticism always welcome.
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Re: KidFunny: Fall of the Son: PG- 13: Original Work: Ch.1

Postby Birdofterror » Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:27 pm

Holy dirty politics, Batman!

But seriously, this is really good. When I scrolled down to see the length it seemed kind of intimidating to read all at once, but it seemed to come really fast. Right as it got good it ended.

First off, 2 things-

1: I'm going to be an asshole for a minute and just say that you had some starting words un-capitalized. Also, you had a couple i's un-capitalized as well. Aside from that it seems rather seemless.

2: You intended this to be a comic? As in the brains, the artist, or both? If you want to make it a comic, I bet it would be good, not enough take place in the future of earth.

My final remark I guess will be I love the main character you chose, I don't really see many suave womanizers in text these days.
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

The Chronometal Wars, a fan-fiction taking place in the PPGD Universe. Catastrophe is the only certainty.
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Re: KidFunny: Fall of the Son: PG- 13: Original Work: Ch.1

Postby Innocence Abandoned » Mon Nov 28, 2011 3:20 pm

I like it fairly well. Only thing I might've done differently is allowed for a part near the beginning where Crest's relationship with his sister is more firmly established. I mean, it doesn't even give her age or if she is a younger/older sister. Oh, and there are some minor grammatical and punctuation errors, but those have already been mentioned.
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