NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

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NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:31 am

Flames. Everywhere. Stuck in the top floor of St. Mary's all girl private school. I'm covered in soot and sweat, my brown curls are plastered to my face. Every breath aches, the smoke slowly suffocating me and the rest of Miss Monica's tenth grade Spanish class.

All 26 of us are squeezing ourselves against the wall as the 15 foot tounges of fire crawl towards us. I can hear my girl friend, Amber, whimpering besides me. Her eyes are red and puffy and streaks of tears cut through the layer of soot covering her milky white skin. I can feel her hand trembling, and grab hold of it, trying to comfort her. I've always been the rock in our relationship.

She looks at me and attempts a smile. I hug her close, knowing if I let her know how freaked out I am, it'll make things worse for her.

" Ivy," she starts. " If this is the end-"

"It won't be." I reasure her. She believes me, but I'm not that good at lying to myself.

"We can't move back any farther!" Mark Sanchez yells from the back of the room. I hear Amber whimper. Then, a myrical.

"The fire escape!" Miss Monica yells. She sprints to the only window untouched by the flames and opens it. The sudden burst of cool winter air startles me. She bursts through the window and I hear the metal hit her stillettos. Mark follows, and eventually Amber and I are the only ones left in the room.

"Ivy," she tugs my hand, willing for me to move towards the fire escape," Come on!"

I want to run, I do. But it's as if my feet have been welded to the floor, each of my toes nailed to the floor. I'm frozen with terror. She looks down, and barley audibly whispers, "I'm sorry." She runs to the window and looks back one last time before running down the fire escpae. Before she leaves she whispers those three words I'd longed to hear for months.

"I Love You."

I squeeze my eyes shut andtears run down me face. I can only watch now as the flames consume the desks, books, floor around me.

This is the end I think I'm gonna die


But before the flames can turn me to ash Crack!! the wall falls, and everything goes black.
Holy S***! I... just lost my train of thought...
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:41 am

You should write a lot more for it to really be a chapter, even for this forum. You're probably writing it as you go along, though. It doesn't last long enough to really explain anything of what's going on or who these people are.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:43 am

I know it's short, but I'm not writing it as I go along. I've been writing this for a while now and am just putting online. I can see how you'd think that though.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:48 am

I'm glad you do :). But you should compile more parts into your chapters. It'll make for a better read on here :)
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:49 am

Ok. I'll do that next time. Thank you for the advice!
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:59 am

Anytime young sir or madame
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby goggy » Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:08 pm

tounges - tongues
reasure - reassure
myrical - miracle
stillettos - stilettos

There were some other typos, but everyone makes them. I really like it. You should write about the events that led up to this. :) You're a pretty good writer.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:03 pm

Thank you!! And yes, I'm aware that I'm a crappy speller.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:50 pm

Just run it through Word and you'll be set
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:54 pm

I'm writing the next chapter. It's a lot longer.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:30 pm

You know that smell of winter? That smell that when you smell it, you know it has ar will snow? Well that's what heaven smells like.

Or rather, what I thought heaven smelt like. I

When I opened my eyes, I saw the most magnificent thing I'd ever seen. There were fluffy white ice crystals- otherwise known as snow- drifting from the clouds, slowly and gently to the ground. There were houses and trees, and they all looked better than anything else I'd ever seen. I was flying. Well, I wasn't flying, the thing holding me was.

Wait, backtrack a second. The thing holding me!!

"Ahhh!" I screamed, "Who are you?! Where am I?! Am I dead?! Where are you taking me!? What are you!?" The thing had a see through body and a wispy tail. It wore a black cloak that looked like pure darkness. But the scarest thing, was its glowing, almond shaped, pupil-less, blood red eyes.It looked like a shadow. It pressed it's hand to my forehead, and the strangest thing to ever happen to me in my life happened. I heard it.

You are not dead. said a deep, middle-aged man voice.

I gasped. "How, h-how did you do that?"

We are connected in a way you couldn't even imagine.

I shivered. "Can I trust you?" I asked. He took his hand off of my forehead and stared straight ahead as we flew on. I got the message. You can never really know, can you?

For what seemed like an eternity, we flew in silence. I- never stepping foot on a plane before- devoured as much of the scenery as I could. Then, a horrifying scene played before my eyes. St. Mary's school. What was left of it. Most of it had caved in on itself and was smoking as firefighters hurried to put out the fire. A portion of the building was still standing, and still on fire. Of course, that is where the thing put me down. I crumpled to my knees the second it stopped supporting me. I seemed much heavier than usual. It slowly backed away.

" When will I see you again!?" I yelled after him. He just shook his head. "Wait!" But he had already faded into nothingness. Then, I cried. I let all the terrified tears out. Was I going to die? Was he just going to let me burn to ash with the rest of the school? Or wold I fall to my death when the flames devoured whatever was supporting the roof? I didn't find out.

"Miss!" a firefighter yelled to me from a ladder at the edge of the roof, "What are you doing up here?" It was obviously rhetorical so I didn't respond. The firefighter yelled down to his fellow fighters, " There's one more!!" He picked e up and carried me down the ladder to safety. There, my father met me with hugs and kisses, gushing about how he was so scared he'd never see me again. And Amber kissed. She repeated how much she loved me over and over again. Although yesterday I would've been excited to hear all this, but today, all I could think was I hope I se Shadow again.
Last edited by Nyc101010101 on Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:31 pm

Klyptomaniac wrote:Just run it through Word and you'll be set


I'm a madame.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Mathias » Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:38 pm

There's no implication that you aren't.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:39 pm

I know someone wasn't sure.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:02 pm

Dont worry about it lol anyway it's gettin better!
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:14 pm

THANK YOU!! :grin: I'm not gonna write anymore for a while though.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:26 pm

Whatev you gotta do
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby BeeAre » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:31 pm

good job. you took an idea that was well explored already, and did it with enough personality and character that it is still good.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Sun Jan 23, 2011 1:42 pm

Thank you! It means a lot coming from you!
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nox » Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:38 pm

Flames. Everywhere. Stuck in the top floor of St. Mary's all-girl private school. I'm covered in soot and sweat, my brown curls are plastered to my face. *Every breath aches, the smoke slowly suffocating me and the rest of Miss Monica's tenth grade spanish class.


*Perhaps "the smoke is" or "the smoke... slowly" or "slowly suffocates" would be better.

All 26 of us are squeezing ourselves against the wall as the 15 foot *tounges of fire crawl towards us.~


I think you mean "tongues", unless I'm an idiot and am mistaking it for vaginal flaps.

~I can hear my girlfriend, Amber, whimpering beside me. Her eyes are red and puffy and streaks of tears cut through the layer of soot covering her milky white skin. I can feel her hand trembling, and grab hold of it, trying to comfort her. I've always been the rock in our relationship.

She looks at me and attempts a smile. I hug her close, knowing if I let her know how freaked out I am, it'll make things worse for her.

" Ivy," she starts. " If this is the end-"~


Plus points for lesbianism btw.

~"It won't be." I reassure her. She believes me, but I'm not that good at lying to myself.

"We can't move back any farther!" Mark Sanchez yells from the back of the room. I hear Amber whimper. Then, a *myrical.~


I'm pretty sure you misspelled "miracle".

~"The fire escape!" Miss Monica yells. She sprints to the only window untouched by the flames and opens it. The sudden burst of cool winter air startles me. She bursts through the window and I hear the metal hit her stilettos. Mark follows, and eventually Amber and I are the only ones left in the room.

"Ivy," she tugs my hand, willing for me to move towards the fire escape," Come on!"

I want to run, I do. But it's as if my feet have been welded to the floor, each of my toes nailed to the floor. I'm frozen with terror. She looks down, and barely but audibly whispers, "I'm sorry." She runs to the window and looks back one last time before running down the fire escape. Before she leaves she whispers those three words I'd longed to hear for months.

"I Love You."

I squeeze my eyes shut and tears run down me face. I can only watch now as the flames consume the desks, books, floor around me.

This is the end. I think I'm gonna die


But before the flames can turn me to ash Crack!! the wall falls, and everything goes black.


Okiedoke! First post.

Intro seems simple enough. One thing I noticed about the style here is that the narrator seems to be speaking like it's happening as I am reading it. Plot seems shady, but I assume you made it that way to make it more mysterious or something. Grammar and spelling problems are minimal, but do check them, mmmmkay?

One thing though. if the girl who jumped loved the other girl that stayed, then why did she leave her? I'm thinking because she didn't want to die and left her there. Now that's love for ya, huh?

Anyhoo, continuing...

You know that smell of winter? That smell that when you smell it, you know it has ar will snow? Well that's what heaven smells like.~


A what? You're not thinking of pirates, arrrrrrrr you?

~Or rather, what I thought heaven smelt like.

When I opened my eyes, I saw the most magnificent thing I'd ever seen. There were fluffy white ice crystals- otherwise known as snow- drifting from the clouds, slowly and gently to the ground. There were houses and trees, and they all looked better than anything else I'd ever seen. I was flying. Well, I wasn't flying, the thing holding me was.

Wait, backtrack a second. The thing holding me!!

"Ahhh!" I screamed, "Who are you?! Where am I?! Am I dead?! Where are you taking me!? What are you!?" The thing had a see through body and a wispy tail. It wore a black cloak that looked like pure darkness. But the scariest thing, was its glowing, almond shaped, pupil-less, blood red eyes. It looked like a shadow. It pressed it's hand to my forehead, and the strangest thing to ever happen to me in my life happened. I heard it.

You are not dead. said a deep, middle-aged man voice.

I gasped. "How, h-how did you do that?"

We are connected in a way you couldn't even imagine.

I shivered. "Can I trust you?" I asked. He took his hand off of my forehead and stared straight ahead as we flew on. I got the message. You can never really know, can you?

For what seemed like an eternity, we flew in silence. I, never stepping foot on a plane before, devoured as much of the scenery as I could. Then, a horrifying scene played before my eyes. *St. Mary's school. What was left of it. Most of it had caved in on itself and was smoking as firefighters hurried to put out the fire. A portion of the building was still standing, and still on fire. Of course, that is where the thing put me down. I crumpled to my knees the second it stopped supporting me. I seemed much heavier than usual. It slowly backed away.~


*This is just a suggestion, but maybe you can emphasize it like "St. Mary's school... or what was left of it."

~" When will I see you again!?" I yelled after him. He just shook his head. "Wait!" But he had already faded into nothingness. Then, I cried. I let all the terrified tears out. Was I going to die? Was he just going to let me burn to ash with the rest of the school? Or wold I fall to my death when the flames devoured whatever was supporting the roof? I didn't find out.

"Miss!" a firefighter yelled to me from a ladder at the edge of the roof, "What are you doing up here?" It was obviously rhetorical so I didn't respond. The firefighter yelled down to his fellow fighters, " There's one more!!" He picked me up and carried me down the ladder to safety. There, my father met me with hugs and kisses, gushing about how he was so scared he'd never see me again. And Amber kissed me. She repeated how much she loved me over and over again. Although yesterday I would've been excited to hear all this, but today, all I could think was "I hope I see Shadow again."


And the plot thickens~

This time it seemed like the girl was speaking in a past tense now in contrast to how it seemed like she was speaking in the present tone in the first post.

I'm not telling how to write your story, but take my advice and be consistent in some areas of writing.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:21 pm

I know I'm terrible at spelling and grammar, but I'm 12 so cut me a break! I know that I'm not consistent in present or past tese, but that's part of the mystery of the story, as is the minimal plot in the beginning. Thank you for liking my lesbian-ness for Ivy, and Amber left her because they are in HIGHSCHOOL!!!! She has her whole life ahead of her and it was probably just a highschool sweetheart-never-see-each-other-besides-reunions things. But will we find out....?????
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Klyptomaniac » Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:18 pm

Dont worry Nyc, you'll get used to grammar and writing with consistency. It takes a lot of practice to be able to string words together more beautifuly. You can always have somebody edit it for you in the mean time
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nox » Tue Jan 25, 2011 7:36 pm

Easy there, lass. It's best to be open-minded about all this.
You can write in however way you see fit, In whatever manner you choose to do so. But I don't see why you or anyone shouldn't improve their ability to do things they like to do, and in this case it's writing.

Nyc101010101 wrote:I know I'm terrible at spelling and grammar, but I'm 12 so cut me a break

If you already know then I see no reason why you shouldn't understand. Right?
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nyc101010101 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 7:40 pm

Wow. You are one of few people and one Mod who is actually nice to me! And doesn't think I'm some ignorant kid.
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Re: NYC: Shadow: PG: Original: Chapter 1 up

Postby Nox » Tue Jan 25, 2011 7:47 pm

Don't coddle me now. I may get used to it. Haha x3
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