You won't get why this was made unless you read through Spam or have previously talked to Fummo or myself. Point is this is part of our long running, and quite succesful, childrens' book series for all ages. Rated R for language and... well yeah for anything that might offend anybody.
Not really looking for criticism on the writing, I just need a place to post it that doesn't move fast. I welcome comments though, just don't expect me to take any suggestions to heart since these stories are made out of fun and in no way represent my writing ability.
The Intrepid Adventures of Fummo and Jesus
Volume 7- The end of a Feud
It was a sunny day in the state of Michigan's own little slice of Hell. Birds were chirping, rabbits were frolicking about, and Doctor Who nerds were being severely beaten by the populace. All in all everything was in accord to call it a perfect start of the summer season. Ever since Old Man Jenkins had been incarcerated due to the involvement of Fummo and myself by revealing that his secret taffy was actually made by the grinding of sixteenth century Spanish conquistador bones* (which the new law proclaimed was illegal) the city had yet again called us heroes.
Not about to change our daily summer rituals due to the mourning of said conquistadors, we called out the tree house crew for what we believed would be the the greatest summer in our long and fruitful lives. In a matter of minutes the crew had assembled within the premises of Fummo's yard. There was lil' Lily the little old scamp who always seemed to be brown nosing me. Tuor James, the heart stealing fiend that could steal your girl before you could say “this old man, he played one, he played knick knack with my thumb.” Math SchwarzenVaughnuggen a German kid who had transferred to our elementary school in the third grade and enjoyed correcting the grammar of everybody(much to our disdain) but was relatively clueless when it came to people. Young Doctress, whom years of humiliation due to her enjoyment of bad tv shows had caused her to be bitter and a total cocktease. BeeAre and Grey, the crew's sarcastic douches who next to Fummo were some of my best friends. There was Wizard the third, who for some reason always had some business to bring. And finally Stuffanna, the most recent addition to the crew since we were lacking an easy hot slut. Sitting down around the tree houses' chimney** as we drank hot cocoa and talked, Fummo and I were getting ready to tell the crew about our most recent adventure plans.
“Settle down everyone, settle down” said Fummo with an extremely effeminate voice.
“Jeezy Creezy and I have been awaiting all semester long to tell you guys about our most recent endeavors.”
Total silence fell in the room. It was so silent that one could in fact say that it was alive in a sort of manner.
“As you all know we saved the town again from yet another crazy old man, and I have the bestest of new-”
“Ja! It is not grammatically correct to say 'bestest' mein schnitzel! You have to say best!” interrupted Math as groans overtook the silence from the rest of the crew.
“Thank you Math. Your brilliant deducting skills have amazed us once again” I scoffed with sarcasm. Lulz ensued as I was the crew's clown. And super sexy.
*Read the previous volume to understand
** Fummo's dad was a top notch carpenter. [page 1]
“Anyways... the mayor gave Jesus and I special permission to walk into any store we like and take whatever we desire for free!” exclaimed Fummo with excitement.
What followed was not what we expected; instead of the cheers and applause we ever so desired, we got menacing stares from everybody but Stuffanna, who was too busy being a slut.
“Like, what does this mean for us then? you poopy head” remarked Tuor with the incredible vocabulary my father had gifted him with. All the years of reading books had done no good for him.
“It means you get free shit, double poopy baby” I retorted. In an instant the tension was gone and everybody was crying of laughter. For I am so god damn funny and nobody can resist me.
“Haha! Anyways, thanks to the secret techniques passed along my family, I motivated the mayor to let us buy weapons in Military'R US. We can finally take revenge upon the Nagging Naggers crew from across the street!” said Fummo. I did not care about his cockiness, I was super humble. Like the humblest of the humble.
As the last words to Fummo's announcement were uttered, the gang had risen to cheers and applause at the idea of making those assfaces our bitches. We then proceeded to take out the keg and weed and celebrated the rest of the night. Amidst all the sexual intercourse and smoking, no one heard the evil cackles from right outside the window. [page 2]
END CHAPTER 1
A Pimp Named Jeezy Creezy: Lasting all the way up to Valentine's.
And the Pimpeth lord sat amidst his real ballin' players, the Apostles, and raisingeth his cup of Cristal as they devoured the grapes and cheese from the finest bitches in town he said
"Sleepery Dee, Sleepery Doo.
Whoever betrays me tonight, I'll mo'fuckin' cap you!"