Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

Moderator: Mod Squad

Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Chocolate Hurricane » Sat Mar 27, 2010 7:24 pm

“ … For we shall not cease our struggle, no matter the odds we face, we shall continue our fight and bring peace and prosperity back to our world. For this land is what we call Home and is the only thing that we hold dear anymore. For this, is what keeps our men strong and their spirit lifted. We shall make an example of them to all! None shall dare touch our great nation without losing their hand, after the word about our armies marching triumphant, has spread! We were victorious in the capital and pushed them back, and now, we shall eradicate them completely. Forward my brethren, and let not even one of them survive their foolish attack....”

-Journal of Alexander Lee
May 25th.

As the sound of the keyboard began to fade away from the room, nothing else could have been heard, silence reign supreme over the office. A luxurious room, filled with the most expensive of gear and commodities one could hope for. Silk carpets and drapes imported from Terra, chairs, shelves, desks and cabinets made of the finest and sturdiest wood found left on the planet. The room was filled with Aegian computers and security drones while the shelves were harboring the best of Illician literature. A room fit for a king some might say, yet for others it was the bare minimum. A small crack interrupted the silence in the room, as a short, overweight person stood up from behind the desk. Dressed in an expensive suit, he was nothing else then a walking disaster. Shirt unbuttoned, pants loose and ready to fall, and glasses without lenses. His eye's were barely kept open, seeming to haven't slept for a few days, nor did he look sane in the mind.

Few words were passing through his head at the time, all of them being repeated over and over again, like a broken record. We have won. Were pushing them back. I'm a Hero. This was the only thing that was going on through Alexander's mind. Making his way to the balcony, he pulled aside the drapes blocking out the light and opened to the glass doors, slowly moving his way towards the ledge, his feet trembling with excitement. As he gazed down upon the streets, he could see crowds of people cheering his name and looking at him with joy in their eyes, the second they spotted him. The siege of the city was lifted and the destruction is already being repaired, the fire provoked by the battle died out. He could see soldiers burning the bodies of his enemies and both elders and children standing straight, proud and mighty, bearing the banner of the country. As they all began to cheer his name, he raised his left hand and began waving back to them, tears going down his red cheeks. “.... I did it.”

Those were the last words he said, eyes closed and and tears going down like a stream of water. As silence engulfed the whole area again, only a single last breath for air could have been heard. A bullet hole being drilled into his forehead and going into his brain, he ceased being alive and fell over the ledge, dropping down in giant pile of corpses, the same people who were saluting him inside his mind only a few seconds ago. Standing lifeless on top of the pile, he had found his peace and sanity, through his dead, laying on top of his people, on a burning and destroyed city and landscape.

“........... Target neutralized. I repeat, the President is dead. I'm returning to base, over.


Treat me rough, sugah.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 339
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:21 am
Gender: None specified

Re: Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Lord_Versi » Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:35 pm

k wow weird at the least. it feels wanting thou. what was going on was it a mad mans vision of greatness, a mass murder of the mostly broken citicens/troops of illica (im guessing this is correctly the word to use here) either way a little more filler phrases and such would set u up nicely.
it was strange and mostly tragic.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:16 am
Gender: None specified

Re: Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Chocolate Hurricane » Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:40 am

Rougher baby, don't hold back.

In all seriousness, thanks, but I be damned if I know what the hell you mean by Filler Phrase.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 339
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:21 am
Gender: None specified

Re: Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Blood Lord » Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:00 pm

In all seriousness, thanks, but I be damned if I know what the hell you mean by Filler Phrase.

Shit you definitely want to avoid like the mother fucking plague.

So, is this the thing you were talking with me about?
Stufflikehearts - He is a Sith Lord. I love Blood Lord :3
Jeffffey - Blood, you look at the information someone says, look over what really happened, and reply in a way that makes them realize what they were really thinking.
Light10s - Blood Lord! Your avatars are becoming more epic. You make me feel like getting on all fours and submitting my loyalty and obedience to you.
Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
Dusk_Imp - Blood Lord is like a celebrity here. Everything he does is pure awesome. ALL HAIL BLOOD LORD
Doctress Who - Why couldn't there be a Blood Lord in every forum? It would make life so much easier.
Mercypostle
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18489
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you
Gender: Male

Re: Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Lord_Versi » Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:14 am

Chocolate Hurricane wrote:Rougher baby, don't hold back.

In all seriousness, thanks, but I be damned if I know what the hell you mean by Filler Phrase.


well Im not sure were having some strange intercourse or throwing down some criticsm but hey.
Filler phrases are used to hold some one to the flow of the story.

Chocolate Hurricane wrote:he ceased being alive and fell over the ledge


A line like this needs some more frill some depth.

He staggered back feeling the warmth of the evening sun slowly slip away as bolth his triumph and life fell into the abyss. Alexander Lee was nothing more than another body to the pile that he fell in to below his terris.

words that extend what your trying to say and put them into a visual action is filler phrases. you need more of these. the'll help the reader feel for the char as they are closer to it and lessin the shock and bland feeling that there would be otherwise.
mabe im wrong mabe i have no Idea what im talking about . not a lit major nor took any creative wrighting courses. but hey mabe itll help who knows
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:16 am
Gender: None specified

Re: Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Chocolate Hurricane » Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:31 am

@Blood: Pretty much. Was thinking between writting some SciFi or Vampire gig for startes. Talked a bit to Math as well and one of his pieces got me hooked on doing it SciFi. Only problem now is I don't know if I should expand on this universe, or leave it as is. A poor attempt at Flash Fiction.

@Vesi: Ah, I understand. Although I'm pretty sure thats not called Filler Phrase. Also, the thing is, I get more and more lazy to write this stuff as I go on, so most of the times I take the easier way out, most of the time not even realizing it until I got it submited, since I write this stuff as I go. I never get anything planned ahead.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 339
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:21 am
Gender: None specified

Re: Chocolate Hurricane. Sketches and Stories

Postby Lord_Versi » Mon Mar 29, 2010 1:09 pm

oh I know its not called a filler phrase but man it fit so well
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:16 am
Gender: None specified


Return to Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 4 guests