I like it.
Poems are like the beauty in art; it's in the eye of the beholder.
Critically, I'd focus on the word choices you used. This type of poem depends a lot on the delivery of it; if you don't say it right, then it gets messed up. Say it to yourself, and see if any words need changing. I wrote this one poem for English, and there's this one line in it that I didn't have time to change. I used the word "weathered" when the word I wanted to use was "weary". Bah.
When you're saying a poem, a change likes that makes all the difference, making everything fit perfectly.