The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Sincados » Sat Feb 20, 2010 8:57 pm

Nice job, much better than what you had up before for chapter 2. There are some errors here and there, but overall better.

What type of writing program do you use? Personally, I use Openoffice, plus it's free.

I suggest going through and check your spelling... as I said some errors here and there. Some of the sentences need a bit more tweaking, but you're getting the hang of it.
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Guardian » Sat Feb 20, 2010 10:15 pm

Looking much better. I'd like to see you be more descriptive in your writings, next.

Such as the fight between Anna and Red Jacket. While the points were delivered, I think some of the words could have been better. More description of the action would have been better too. Perhaps something like this.

Anna struggled to get up and she cried in furious anger, “FUCK YOU, ANDRE!!!”. She leaped from the ground and impaled him with the sowrd. The blade passed mere centimeters from his heart.


You also have a problem using past and present tense verbs. Jumping back and forth between the two. One place was the sentence I just quoted.
RoZo wrote:Anna struggles to get up and she yelled in furious anger, “FUCK YOU, ANDRE!!!” Anna then stabbed him close to his heart.

In this case, "struggled" would have been a better word.
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Pika Thunder » Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:05 am

Ah yes, the confusion of present and past tense, the looming specter stalking every writer, under their beds when they sleep and watching them undress from inside their closets, waiting till we are our most vulnerable. Then BLAMO! We must be ever vigilant, and never let this nemesis have his way!
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby BeeAre » Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:32 am

Pika Thunder wrote:Ah yes, the confusion of present and past tense, the looming specter stalking every writer, under their beds when they sleep and watching them undress from inside their closets, waiting till we are our most vulnerable. Then BLAMO! We must be ever vigilant, and never let this nemesis have his way!


hey man. i dont knew about u. but i dont get my tensed confused. i never will did.

RoZo, I think you may be the rare sort of internet person who learns from his mistakes. Slowly, but hey! Keep going!
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby RoZo » Sun Feb 21, 2010 12:03 pm

Yes, i know my confusions of tenses but i found out a way
I'll do this from now on...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and beside some story does that, it goes from one POV to another. And i said MEANWHILE kinda gives you a clue LOL lol
EDITED VERSION OF CH 3 COMING SOON
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Sincados » Sun Feb 21, 2010 5:01 pm

Pika Thunder wrote:Ah yes, the confusion of present and past tense, the looming specter stalking every writer, under their beds when they sleep and watching them undress from inside their closets, waiting till we are our most vulnerable. Then BLAMO! We must be ever vigilant, and never let this nemesis have his way!


With a baseball bat... and a bottle of bourbon. Wait, wait... I gotta get this Winchester... Alright, now we can celebrate Alvis. -looks around- Wait... this isn't the Alvispalooza is it? SON OF A BITCH! I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU DEAD! Like with a rock or something... like a, a stone.

Sorry Pika... I still had the web cam on streaming... >.>

-cackles maniacally-

YOU WILL OBEY! Wait wrong character... NEXT TIME GADGET! ...still wrong.

Ah ha! Prepare the long rubber glove... Now then! Eenie, meanie miney moe, I wonder where my rubber glove of literacy will go!
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Pika Thunder » Mon Feb 22, 2010 1:46 pm

Good luck with your story Rozo, I'm peacing out.
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Sincados » Tue Feb 23, 2010 7:13 pm

Take it easy RoZo... you know how to contact me. :brickwall:
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby RoZo » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:16 pm

Since I have school stuff and HW U-_-... I'll edit my chapters on the weekends, starting on friday. The official realease date would be on saturdays or later if i have stuff to do. So while you wait you can post questions about the series

~Thanx
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby RoZo » Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:48 pm

Editing CH 3... Will release tomorrow
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby Lord_Versi » Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:05 am

Well its a little fragmented hard to follow with no flow. After a few shots at it I like where it's going.

Thou try to cut down on the repeating of the char's names repeatedly. *see how redundant it is*
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby huai0592 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:26 am

It's my first time to come here.
Haha,Nice to meet everybody.
I learn from my friends that
this forum is very interesting.
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Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby GridsNaranek » Wed Jun 01, 2011 5:17 am

Bye bye thread....
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