As for the logical problems... not sure if I'll peg ALL of them, but let's crack down, eh?
k_money516 wrote:
Name: Malachi Price
Bio: Malachi grew up in a town where the local bully 'ran the town', and the only way to ensure safety was to beat him up.
By this, I assume you mean that the Bully is a bit like a Tyrant, and the only way to avoid regular beatings was to be stronger than this Tyrant, break a bone or two, and become the "New Tyrant."
So in this sense we have a sort of society based off a Pride of lions. Off to a good start, in my opinion.
k_money516 wrote:
What didn't help him out was the fact that he was a loner. This started in kindergarten, when all of the schoolkids avoided him due to their fear of him.
That's not exactly how a loner is made. People who fear someone will either shy away from him or try to befriend him to ensure that they are not subject to his wrath. Additionally, this doesn't really follow with the previous segment on the bully running the town. How is the fact that people fear Malachi in any way related to this bully who needs to get the shit beat out of him? And does this bully have a name?
k_money516 wrote:
Starting in 7th grade, at age 13, he was constantly picked on by certain group of bullies, for various reasons.
I would suggest naming those reasons, as it adds to the character's development and reason for being, but that's not really a logic problem. Are these groups of bullies different from the one bully that runs the town, or are they his lackeys? Is there some hierarchy, or is it more of an anarchy?
k_money516 wrote:
A year had went by, and by age 14, Malachi decided that this torment had to end. To protect himself, he took up self defense, and many styles of fighting.
I'm not sure if you're trying to say that it only took a few weeks or months for him to learn self-defense and "many styles of fighting," but that kind of training usually takes years to be good at. Just taking a self-defense course doesn't mean you'll know what to do when the time comes.
Someone who's never taken a self-defense course can still punch and pound and kick the shit out of someone, given the element of surprise. Isn't that why the other kids are afraid of him? He's tall and athletic, which to me infers a kind of sleek lethality that the other kids are adverse to crossing.
k_money516 wrote:
Some time later, those who bullied him went to pick on him again, but just happened to catch him in a fight. After seeing what he could do, the bullies came to respect and fear him. After that day, nobody bothered bully him, but he saw that other kids were being picked on. So, he took it upon himself to protect them.
Uh... okay then.
First, the bullies "just happened to catch him in a fight?" Does that mean he fought them, or that they saw him fighting someone else? Next, the bullies "came to respect and fear him." Do you mean they respect his strength but are afraid he'll use it on them? And why would that be the automatic response of a bully? Most people who are (physically) strong do not automatically fear those who are also strong. It'd be like two lions marking the same territory. One would have to either die or submit to the other's strength. Two alpha males cannot meet at the same level without aggression. Along similar lines, if he's going out of his way to assist those who are weak, wouldn't he incur the wrath of those who are bullying the weak? He'd get in MORE fights that way, right?
k_money516 wrote:
The principal noticed his behavior, and mistook it for an average delinquent’s, while most of the other kids praised him for what he did. But the adults didn’t feel the same way, so they decided that punishment was in order.
In a school where bullying is the NORM?! So, the principal sees him SAVING KIDS from OTHER BULLIES and decides to PUNISH HIM, and ONLY HIM.
Yeah, sure. That makes sense.{/sarcasm]
k_money516 wrote:
Yet instead of suspending or expelling him, the principal decided to enroll him in the district’s ROTC program, to teach him discipline. MalachI first detested the idea, but grew into it a few months after.
Setting aside that this is supposed to be some kind of alternate universe, you cannot be PUT into the ROTC. Do you know what the ROTC is? It's the Reserve Officer Training Corps; it's a program that prepares those who wish to enter the Armed Forces as officers. It's a scholarship. It requires that you attend High School through your Junior year, achieve a good score on the SAT, and that you are of a specific minimum GPA for you to even
be eligible. So it doesn't apply to this AT ALL. Why not say his parents sent him to Military School? That's a bit more practical, and relevant.
k_money516 wrote:
He was placed into the program for his entire time of high school, from 9th grade until 12th grade. After he graduated from high school, MalachI looked for employment in an interesting form. He searched for 2 months, but nothing truly clever came up. In another week or so, he heard news of Lunatic Inc. This organization had truly sparked his interest, so he decided to check it out, to see what it was all about.
Going back to the ROTC thing, if he were in ROTC, he would not really need a job after graduating High School. He could go to college under the scholarship, and the program would effectively pay for everything he needed. After getting a Bachelor's, he could join the Military as an officer. Big money, and generally exciting.
I guess that's enough to start. If you're serious about this, a good overhaul is in order.
ED: Whoops. Made a few mistakes in the explanation of the ROTC program. Fixed.
I need to get out of the house... >.>
