Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.4

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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:20 pm

Ah... small typo on my end. I accidently put two heads twice by accident. I am not the best with revisions.... thanks Feival.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:23 pm

That's why I like to read my work after I'm done with it, to see if I missed anything, but it's not really bad or anything, I just found it strange.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:28 pm

---Edit.

Is that any better Fei? I don't think thats what you were aiming for, but I think I changed it enough to the point that it's readable.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:34 pm

I like it.
Perhaps this would work for the last line?
And delved back into my recollection
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:41 pm

Yeah, that's better, and Tragicom's line would probably suit the story more.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Sat Nov 07, 2009 11:40 am

Well I fixed all the small problems that were mentioned before. I am hoping to mut up another part either today, tomorrow, or monday.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.1

Postby Jasthn » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:02 pm

Haha! I finally finished it!
__________________________________________

Ch 2. Hell’s Metronome: A Beating Heart
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up to the sounds of beeping, and a few people talking amongst themselves. I kept my eyes closed, but I listened to the things around me.

“His heart rate is still steady, and his body seems to have completely recovered.” I heard someone say near me. “It’s only been a day and he’s already recovered from two broken arms, a broken leg, and four broken ribs all in a day.” The same person said this, but I wasn’t sure who they we’re talking about.

“Jessica honey, I think you should go back home. I don’t think he is going to wake up anytime soon. Maybe tomorrow he’ll be awake.” I quickly opened my eyes when I heard Jessica’s name, although I wasn’t even sure if it was my sister or not. Everything was blurry at first, and the sunlight was hurting my eyes as well, but I heard my sister squeal with happiness.

“You’re awake! Thank goodness you’re awake! What happened? Who did this? How are you?...” However, I interrupted her in the middle of all of her never ending questions. Seeing as I couldn’t answer them all either, and the fact that I didn’t even understand how I got here as well.

“I would tell you if I knew, but I honestly don’t know Jessica.” I began to laugh, but I started coughing very hard and grabbed my chest from the pain of my still tender bones. “Ow…what the hell happened to me anyway?” I was clenching my teeth at the time, and I thought the nurse who was standing next to the bed wouldn’t understand what I said, but she replied after a few moments after flipping a few pages in her clip board.

“Well, from an eye witness, who happened to be near you, saw a red car slam into you head on. But from the way the witness said you were sitting, a car hitting you the way you were positioned, would have killed you.” She was flipping through her clip board with a confused look that shows that something was wrong, or something wasn’t correct.

“Excuse me miss, but is something the…” I was about to ask her if she was ok, but when I did so, I saw the box of jewelry sitting on a table next to her. I quickly threw myself over the bed rails, vomiting on the floor as images were thrown through my head again. The beeping of my heart rate increased and beeped ever faster, as I gripped on the rail of the bed from the pain.

“What’s wrong!? What’s the matter!? Someone help him! Plea…” Everything began to ring. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t hear anyone screaming, and I couldn’t hear the beeping from the machine anymore. However, the only thing I could hear was the sound of an evil laugh far off in the distance, and it came closer with every beat of my heart. I looked up to see a man in a black suit, laughing with his head facing the ceiling.

“Boo!...” He laughed even harder and flung his arm at me, knocking me out.
Last edited by Jasthn on Thu Dec 03, 2009 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

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Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Fievel » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:59 pm

Interesting. This part may be short, but it certainly added mystique and suspense. Several question pop in my head when I read this.

The only problems I saw were the occasional unneeded letter or word, otherwise, nice. I wasn't sure if you were going to post again. Glad you did.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:15 am

Is the Man in the black suit Death?
You... you really don't get it... do you? I... I love him... I'd die with him. Or for him. That's what you do... how you feel when you love someone. - Impulse
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:30 am

Fievel wrote:The only problems I saw were the occasional unneeded letter or word, otherwise, nice. I wasn't sure if you were going to post again. Glad you did.


School, homework, and clubs have kept me busy. I'll look back for the mistakes in a while.


Tragedy_and_Comedy wrote:Is the Man in the black suit Death?


Um... not exactly. Good guess though :D
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

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Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:06 pm

Could MiBS be the devil?
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:27 pm

Sort of. But just think of it as so.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:38 pm

A deal with the devil, hunh? Cool.
You... you really don't get it... do you? I... I love him... I'd die with him. Or for him. That's what you do... how you feel when you love someone. - Impulse
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:46 pm

Not exactly.

the story will go into further details, twists, and then some further down the road.

I also have no homework today, which means a few hours towards the story!
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
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JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

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Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:27 pm

Yay!
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Fievel » Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:48 pm

Who's MiBS, or is that just another way for you to say man in black suit?
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:51 pm

Man in Black Suit.

Good news!: I have the next part thought up and ready to go on paper!

Bad News!: I'll be gone for the weekend!
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Fievel » Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:52 pm

You know, Mibs sounds like a cool name.

For Thanksgiving?
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:57 pm

For my birthday and thanksgiving. Since my birthday fall so close to thanksgiving, and even sometimes on it, we just celebrate them together.
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Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Fievel » Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:01 pm

That must suck sometimes. They pay less attention to your birthday. Reminds me of when I had to share a party with my brother, even though my birthday is about a month before my brother's.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:01 am

Eh... it doesn't bother me really.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Cobrastricken » Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:15 pm

I've read most of your story Jasthn and I got to say, it's pretty dang good! Keep up the good work.
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:08 pm

Thank you. I'm glad you like it.

But i've got to say, I thought people wouldn't care much for the story because I thought that my skills at writing a story would really stink. It turned out to be quite the opposite.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Jasthn » Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:03 pm

---Update!---

Small flashbacks and small little details happen after this. Woo for that stuff.

_______________________


I woke up again to a warm room with a horrible stench. The smell was something like the smell of rotten meat. I began to open my eyes, looking at the room, but to my astonishment, it was nothing like it was before. Bodies we hanging from the ceiling by rusted chains, and blood was seeping down the walls that looking like meat and flesh and bone.

I began to get up, rolling off of the bed that had rusted handle bars and crusty blood. I took a step onto the tiles, taking a few steps towards the door to the hallway of the hospital, or wherever I was at the time. When I reached the door however, someone grabbed my shoulder, turning me around.

“Seven circles! You went through seven circles and you seem perfectly alright! I finally found someone!” I was the man from before in the suit. He was shaking me violently with a smile on his face, squealing happily about some sort of circles.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t what the hell you’re talking about.” I was confused at the time. I was in the middle of a town, then in a hospital, and then to a nightmare of a hospital. “And frankly, I don’t care either. Unless you can get me out of this hell hole, and explain what is going on here, I don’t give the slightest damn about what you have to say!” I became increasingly angrier with the man as he continued to shake me.

“Boy you are no regular human! You are something much more important than those other assholes!” He stopped shaking me and stepped back, raising his arms up as if he were giving a speech to a mass of people. “This is something that you should be proud of my boy! And with my powers, you can make the best of your life that only you, and three others could possibly have! No other human is anywhere near you potential!”

I normally keep my cool, no matter how much someone annoys me. However, I didn’t have the time, or patience to stand around in a place that was so horrid in appearance. “Answer me you damn idiot! Where am I, why am I here, and how do I get out!” I punched him, grabbed his jacket collar, and slammed him up against the slimy walls.

“Boy, you need to listen to what I have to say…”

_______________________________________________

“Mr. Tsubasa! It’s about time for your appointment. We’re sending in two soldiers now to escort you there.” A male voice blared out over the loud speaker in my cell. He sounded the age of an old man walking with a cane.

“My apologies Satsujin. May you continue when we get back?” It sounded as if she were startled when they came in. I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit though.

“Yes, that’s quite alright. I’ll continue my story when I finish up. Ms. Lauren, may I ask for a bottle of water when I get back. All this talking has made me quite thirsty.” I looked up at the glass wall, smiling ear to ear when I did so.

“That’s no problem at all. I’ll get right on it.” The loud speakers picked up the sound of her shuffling feet when the left her little room. I put my head down, continuing to smile for some reason. I wasn’t sure why I was happy, but I feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
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Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.2

Postby Fievel » Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:16 pm

Interesting. Is the man who was punched talking about the special powers that were mentioned earlier? I'm finally staring to get a better feel for the main character too.
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