Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.4

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

Moderator: Mod Squad

Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~ Ch.4

Postby Jasthn » Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:40 pm

I am more of an artist than a writer, but I think that it would be a fun and good experience to write a story of mine that I have made myself, and am planning to make a comic out of with my friend.

With that said, I will gladly accept criticism, any grammar/ punctuation help (I KNOW I’m not anywhere near perfect with stuff like that.), helpful hints, ect...

I'll try my best to keep my writing neat, flowing, and well punctuated as possible.

On a side note, the first posts will probably be slow, but I’ll try my best to keep it interesting as I can.
Last edited by Jasthn on Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:50 pm

There is no story. :D

At least what type of story is it?
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18964
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:54 pm

“I’ve come across the idea that the population of America, no… the world, has nothing to do with free will, and free speech, or freedom of anything anymore. I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking why the population of the world continues to see me and my friends as monsters. I have come to the sense that it is the fear of the new unknown that drives these people to continue a world that only they can control. The Indian Americans were driven off because they were inferior in size, guns, and lending too much trust in their so called friends. The Africans Americans were enslaved for decades and decades. It is simply like a king being kicked off his thrown. He has control of all pieces of the board, until he has been overwhelmed and lost his power. He is then controlled by the next heir and is reduced to the dirt he thought his people were. My friends and I are thought of as that new heir, because of our cursed powers, and out ability to defy the world that normal humans can’t. I defy the powers of air; I can control and manipulate the air around me as if it were a toy for a toddler. By this power I have gained I have become a God or Demon of sorts. How I hate those titles, the titles that one makes up, not understanding the person or situation at hand. But I hope that everything I have come up with so far is only a lie. I expect a better world and a better expectation from the people I once knew and loved before…”

I was interrupted by Miss. Lauren; she is the only person I am aloud to talk to, even though I know she works for my enemy, she is still a nice person to talk to. She hides behind a large one way see through glass window, asking questions of how, and why, and when I got my powers. All the stuff that will be used to make weapons, but I don’t know much else about it.

“I apologize for interrupting your train of thought again, but it IS that time again Mr. Tsubasa. Shall I begin your question now?” I looked up from the floor looking around my cell. A cold, damp, concrete cell with a large metal door in which I will stay the rest of my life on my own free will because of what I have done exactly half a month ago. I stay here for my payment of the pain and suffering I had caused my sister through out her life, but now she is dead. “Yes…please ask your questions…” I replied in a blunt, quiet response

“Ok then, please tell me about your past.” She giggled in a very silly way as if she thought it was a joke. I agreed however, I didn’t care what I did anymore, I was just a low piece of trash that had been tormented by hell, heaven, and the United States very own president.
“Fine. Where should I begin my story…”
Last edited by Jasthn on Sat Oct 31, 2009 11:55 am, edited 5 times in total.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Oct 30, 2009 11:03 pm

Now I don't look at punctuation. I look at content, and spelling.

Jasthn wrote:I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking of why the population of the world continues to see me and my friends as monsters.

"of why"?

Might have been better to say "thinking why the population", or "thinking of how the population".

Jasthn wrote:I have come to the sense that it is the fear that drives these people to continue a world that only they can control.

Fear of what?

Fear of the unknown?

Fear of the uncertain? (Probably the same thing.)

What are they continuing?
Dominance, live, dictate, command, see?

It seems to me that you had an idea, then changed it half way through the sentence.

Jasthn wrote:It is simply like a king being kicked off his thrown. He has control of all pieces of the board, until he has been overwhelmed and lost his power. He is then controlled by the next heir and is reduced to the dirt he thought his people were.

Jasthn wrote:My friends and I are thought of as that new heir

I'm kinda getting the feeling of a Magneto-like character from this guy.

Jasthn wrote:I was interrupted by Miss. Lauren...“I apologize for interrupting your train of thought again,

Ohh, so he was thinking in the beginning.

Perhaps you should italic that so it can make more sense to the reader, or some kind of form of indicating when someone is thinking or not.

Jasthn wrote:“Ok then, please tell me about your past.” She giggled in a very silly way as if she thought it was a joke. I agreed however

I do hope this is better explained latter.


Jasthn, DAMN THAT'S GOOD.

Yes there are a few things you need to address, but holy crap you're good at this.

I really like your way of delivery. The story is great, and it caught my interest very quickly.


Keep up the good work.
Last edited by Blood Lord on Sat Oct 31, 2009 9:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18964
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Sat Oct 31, 2009 8:35 am

Oh... um, thanks Blood that really puts a smile on my face that you like it. lol

I'll fix the problems in a moment and hopefully make the next post by today or tomorrow with his flashback/ him telling his story.

I'm kinda getting the feeling of a Magneto-like character from this guy.


Depresion and torture can change a guy. Although it dosn't say it, ill try to put it into the story when his coversation with Ms. Lauren is interupted by tests and questions with Lauren.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Doctress Who » Sat Oct 31, 2009 9:22 am

This is very interesting. I'm intrigued by this character, and Ms Lauren. And you've explained how his powers are like a curse very well.
There's a lot of explaining to do, but I like it so far. Keep writing!
Image
Hiryu: Doc's bag is a portal. She's actually from another dimension and when she jumped into it, she ended up at a desk with a browser open on this site. That's how she found it.
We have a Doctor Who thread now. Doctor Who threads are cool.
Time Lady
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 11655
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:21 pm
Location: I'D LIKE TO BE A TREE
Gender: Female

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Sat Oct 31, 2009 10:15 am

So far so good. Keep up the good work. You have a good style, but italics would make it easier to differentiate when somebody is simply doing a monologue and when they are thinking.
Offended.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5154
Joined: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:18 pm
Location: Beats me.
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Sat Oct 31, 2009 11:47 am

So basicly just Italicize the whole first paragraph?

And bold the words I have italicized at the moment perhaps?
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Sat Oct 31, 2009 11:48 am

Yes. It would make it easier to understand. I love the title, by the way.
Offended.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5154
Joined: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:18 pm
Location: Beats me.
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:15 pm

Fievel wrote:I love the title, by the way.


I don't even remember how I GOT the title LOL

I think it had something to do with a necklace.... or maybe i'm wrong. It's just something I forgot through out time.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Sat Oct 31, 2009 8:33 pm

----Update!----


Flashback Time!!!!!......

Another slows part of the story. But it will get better from here on out. And I really hope you all like this as well...

Chapter 1: Hell’s Symphony Begins.
__________________________________________



“Don’t worry about it Jessica. It’s really no big deal, just meet me back home. I promise to bring you something nice on my way back” I was rubbing the back of my head and laughing because I had just gotten a detention along with my worst enemy Mark for fighting in the middle of class. Mark is a part of a gang, and thought of me as a screw up for having two abusive parents. We’ve never had a good past before; we would always get into fights even though I would win every one. I never had a good relationship with anyone in the school I went to, as a matter of fact. Every kid on the school thought that I never tried to protect my sister from the harm of my parents, but the truth was that I was protecting her all the time.

“What will it be Satsujin? Will it be something sweet like a jolly rancher?” Jessica looked at me with her smile, a smile of an angel. Here short blonde hair could grab anyone’s attention; it’s a blonde color that seems to glow in the sunlight.

“Well you’ll just have to see when I get back later. I also have to get a present for my girl friend you know!” I laughed while I rubbed my little sister’s head. “Now you just go home and wait ok?” I said, smiling at my sister. “Alright then, I’ll see you back home. But just don’t get in anymore fights!” She said, as she gave me a silly glare that I couldn’t stop laughing at. I didn’t really have a detention, I just wanted to get some extra time looking for a gift for my girlfriend Rebecca.

“You give me such a hard time on all the silly little details Jessica. I’ll see you later though.” I began running in the direction of the school until I was out of her sights and hung a left on a road that lead to the downtown area.

Her name is Rebecca Osborn. She is sixteen years old, the same age that I am, and seems to get along with everyone that I know. However, she does loose some reputation for going out with me. Her astonishing thin dark brown hair is something that surprises anyone. It reaches down to her ankles, something that I find absolutely insane!

By the time I had reached the downtown area it was beginning to cool down from the unbearable heat from the afternoon. I began to search the shops nearby for a cheap set of jewelry of some kind. But as I searched, I could find nothing, and it eventually became too late for me to continue any more browsing. That was until I had come across a shop I had never seen before in the downtown area. It was a very small shop that seemed to look like a fortune tellers shop, due to its excessive amounts of candles. I wasn’t very sure why I had gone in there in the first place, but I had some sort of invisable force tugging me into the store, as if I were being controlled.

I had opened up the door quite slowly, scanning the store to see what was inside. And as I had expected, it was very much a fortune teller’s store. But there was one thing that caught my eye, and that was a small box, about the size of a shoebox, filled with jewelry inside a display case across the room.

“Hello? Is anyone here?... I was wondering If…” I was quickly interrupted by an old, plump looking lady with a witches outfit on, something that seemed to strike my funny bone.

“Why hello, hello dear child, how may I help you today, today on this fine day?” She stood very close to me rubbing her hands, and breathing all over me, like small children gather all around a dog.

“Oh, uh… yes, I was wondering about that box of jewelry over there. How much is that worth by chance?” I was eyeing the old hag as she stood next to me with that strange grin she slapped on her face. “I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend, and I was thinking of getting her something nice, so I…” I had been interrupted again by her high and redundant voice.

“That junk?” She tilted her head in curiosity, “I would be willing to sell that for say… fifty dollars? Is that fine with you youngster?” She continued to rub her hands together and breathing on my arm. Her breath smelled like a pile of shit that had been lying inside a hole for a year.

“Sure that’s fine with me, but isn’t that a little too…” And yet again before I could finish a sentence I had been interrupted, by her high voice. “Take it my fine sir; no one ever takes this crap anymore. So please, take it on my behalf…” She was scrambling across the store getting the box of jewelry that I was going to buy. “Now that will be fifty dollars please!” She really was beginning to annoy me by putting her face so close to mine. I stepped back and reached into my pocket and pulled out all my money, I had fifty eight dollars. “Here…” I replied in a blunt response, “Just take it all, please, in token for your kind help.” I turned around as quickly as I could to get out of the store.

However… Hell began to play its symphony when I exited that store…
Last edited by Jasthn on Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Sat Oct 31, 2009 8:43 pm

Still good so far. The ending line, it's good. It makes me want to know what will occur next. Keep up the good work.
Offended.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5154
Joined: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:18 pm
Location: Beats me.
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Keiran » Sun Nov 01, 2009 8:30 pm

Both of them very good. I hope you continue Jas.
Writing is very theraputic isn't it? That's what I do when I am running on a strong emotion.
Image
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 6310
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 1:15 am
Location: Location, Location, Location
Gender: None specified

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:25 am

Keiran wrote:Writing is very theraputic isn't it? That's what I do when I am running on a strong emotion.


It can definatly take your mind off of a lot of things. lol

On a side note, I plan to update on weekends only. I have more time then, and don't have to worry about work for school then.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:14 am

It certainly does help. That's why I started, but I never really feel strongly about anything. I mostly just listen to music to help me write.
Offended.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5154
Joined: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:18 pm
Location: Beats me.
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:10 am

Interesting... I love the pushyness of the old lady
You... you really don't get it... do you? I... I love him... I'd die with him. Or for him. That's what you do... how you feel when you love someone. - Impulse
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4941
Joined: Fri Nov 07, 2008 2:35 pm
Location: Canadia
Gender: Female

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Doctress Who » Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:42 pm

Ooh, this is good...I'm thinking, evil jewellery that is posessed? Great work so far. The flash back has definitely caught my interest. Will there be anymore of this flash back, or will it go back to the present day and keep us hanging on that little longer before having another flashback, I wonder?
Image
Hiryu: Doc's bag is a portal. She's actually from another dimension and when she jumped into it, she ended up at a desk with a browser open on this site. That's how she found it.
We have a Doctor Who thread now. Doctor Who threads are cool.
Time Lady
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 11655
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:21 pm
Location: I'D LIKE TO BE A TREE
Gender: Female

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:53 pm

I was actually thinking either it's cursed or is going to kill her as soon as she puts it on.
You... you really don't get it... do you? I... I love him... I'd die with him. Or for him. That's what you do... how you feel when you love someone. - Impulse
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4941
Joined: Fri Nov 07, 2008 2:35 pm
Location: Canadia
Gender: Female

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:29 pm

Tragedy_and_Comedy wrote:I was actually thinking either it's cursed or is going to kill her as soon as she puts it on.



Jasthn wrote:“I apologize for interrupting your train of thought again, but it IS that time again [i] Mr. Tsubasa] Shall I begin your question now?”


This whole story revolves around Satsujin Tsubasa. Gender: male.

LOL I only stated it once, which may have been the reason for confusion.

But anyhow, both of you are correct about posess powers. Each character that has powers will have two diffrent things of jewlery. Like maybe a braclet, and a ring. One will have powers of hell, and heaven. Basicly.

I'm happy that everyone likes the story so far. It puts a big smile on my face. I just need to find out how to put down the action scenes into text without it sounding bad...

Does rape go against the rules? Because if it IS... then I need to find a new scene to replace it.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Tragedy_and_Comedy » Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:38 pm

I meant the girlfriend. That's who he bought it for, right?
You... you really don't get it... do you? I... I love him... I'd die with him. Or for him. That's what you do... how you feel when you love someone. - Impulse
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4941
Joined: Fri Nov 07, 2008 2:35 pm
Location: Canadia
Gender: Female

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:41 pm

Ah! Ok, well i'm not really going to give spoilers on who will and will not die, and how they do.

On a side note, I will probably have another update tomorrow. Finally something gruesome is introduced.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:26 pm

---Update!----

Hopefully this will be good. It starts to get a little freaky now.
----------------------------------------------------------------




“Now that was a handful.” I laughed stupidly walking out of the shop to go back home.

I walked down the alley way leading to the streets of downtown. Tall buildings and parking complexes covered the sky, leaving the alley ways mostly darkened, and almost deserted from civilization. I decided to take a closer look and see what jewelry was inside of the box, and to my surprise, saw a load of stuff. There were two bracelets, a necklace, three rings, two earrings. As I peered more closely however, I became blind and couldn’t see anything. I dropped the box on the ground, walking up against a wall for balance. Suddenly, the quite alley way became loud, as I could hear the sounds of screams, and the sounds of bones snapping and cracking what seemed to sound like it was right next to my ears.

I regained my sight after minutes of blood curtailing screams and braking bones had passed to see the same world around me burning down to the ground. Buildings were in flames, and streets were split in half. I began to hallucinate again, as figures of deformed natures flashed through my head, as the sounds of bones being snapped and screams continued. I saw a girl with a severed limb and two heads, one with a clean faces, and the other with a burned, deformed face. One was a face of happiness, and had a smile from one side of her face to the other, and the other had an evil grin and had a smile showing bloody, moldy, rotten teeth from one side of her face to the other. Again I was wisped through another mental flash of gruesome gory images of normal people, turned into the images of hell’s twisted fashion.

Everything was still loud around me. I heard flesh being ripped off of bodies, and the sound of a car engine getting louder, and more powerful, and then everything went… silent…


“What do you mean silent Mr. Tsubasa? You were seeing all these hellish figures and then…” I interrupted Ms. Lauren in the middle of her sentence, hoping to shed some light on the very confusing subject that even I didn’t fully understand.

“It simply stopped. That’s all I know, and probably will know. I don’t understand what happened, why it happened, and what I saw. But all I know is that after that strange happening, nothing was the same for me ever again…” I looked down at the ground next to my feet. Nothing was ever the same after that, nothing ever will be. “The only thing that stayed the same was my love for my girlfriend and for my sister…” I trailed off from my sentence, and delved back into my recollection.
Last edited by Jasthn on Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:32 pm, edited 5 times in total.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Doctress Who » Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:58 pm

Great update. I like the transition you made from the flash back to the present day - very smoothly done.
I'm being a bit picky here, but the last sentence (the one that transfers the story back into the flash back) doesn't quite sound right. I think it may need to be worded differently...I don't know. Maybe I'm just nit-picking.
But I love how it's going so far. I've got the sound of brones cracking and flesh tearing stuck in my head now! That scene was really well written.
Image
Hiryu: Doc's bag is a portal. She's actually from another dimension and when she jumped into it, she ended up at a desk with a browser open on this site. That's how she found it.
We have a Doctor Who thread now. Doctor Who threads are cool.
Time Lady
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 11655
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:21 pm
Location: I'D LIKE TO BE A TREE
Gender: Female

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Jasthn » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:05 pm

Please Doc. PLEASE be picky. That's what I want/ need/ and expect.

But I thought it sounded a little weird too (The last sentence) but I just posted, because I didn't want to delay it just because of one sentence, when I can just easily go back and edit it when someone has found something that works, or I find something that works.

If it IS just is, and sounds good to the others, then I guess i'll just leave it be.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4292
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Location: Michigan
Gender: Male

Re: Ebony. ~The Dissonance of Heaven and Hell~

Postby Fievel » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:08 pm

Jsathn, you've done good so far, but I did see two problems that caught my attention while reading. I don't like criticizing, but...

The only mistakes that could hamper somebody reading this were:
Jasthn wrote: I dropped the box on the ground walking up against a wall for balance.

While I know what is happening, without a comma after ground, this is very confusing, but that is easily fixed, so I'll move one.

Jasthn wrote:I saw a girl with two heads and a severed limb. She had two heads, one with a clean faces, and the other with a burned face.

You only need to say she has two heads once, otherwise there is unnecessary redundancy. You could easily fix it by adding the severed limb part of the first sentence to the next sentence.

These aren't very big problems, but too many small problems take away from the reading experience. Aside from that, though, I see nothing major yet. Pretty descriptive and well done. Keep on keeping on, and all that jazz, for this story sounds interesting.
Offended.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5154
Joined: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:18 pm
Location: Beats me.
Gender: Male

Next

Return to Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests