GodComplX Ch.2 Finished (3 on the way)

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GodComplX Ch.2 Finished (3 on the way)

Postby Kyomen » Sat Oct 10, 2009 7:43 pm

Hey everyone. Tis Kyomen here. I'm pretty much new to your beloved forums. Tis a nice place I've gotta tell you even though this is my first post lol x3. Anywhooo~ You might know me from many different online games *Is Notorious*. If you do say Hi. Or feel muh wrath! :D Back on subject, I'm here to post Small sections of a new novel that I'm writing. Tis part of the Avion series. (You probably haven't heard because I haven't published the first one yet x_x) Anyway. This is the first four pages so far. Contstructive criticism is welcome. So is negative and skill building criticism. Don't be a wibbler and just post because you think it's awful or anything. Being a wibbler is bad. Alright? :D Anyway, if people like the story then I'll keep posting pages in groups of four to ten as I move along with it. Tis a slow and agonizing process with amazing results! Anyway, if you REALLY like it then by all means ask me to post earth's history, my character layout and any other things that I might have typed up in the pre-developement.

(Summary)

Avion was once the King of Ava; although, he was killed by his two step brothers. Now dead, Avion's body and soul are transported to the second plane of existence; Earth. On the other side, he is given a terrible curse. The Curse of Lilium's Anger. Soon after, Avion realizes that this is the forgotten prophecy told by God themself, Lilium. The King of Ava has been taken to earth for a reason, but what could it be?


Chapters Guide:

Chapter One: Arrival found on page three.
Last edited by Kyomen on Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:57 am, edited 5 times in total.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:09 pm

(Prologue!) Avion: The Two Faced War

Earth’s History

Around 2020 a scientist named Holl Scathe discovered a way to harness dark matter. In the early stages, dark matter could not be used for much at all, but in the year 2088, long after Holl’s death, an engineer named James Beaux invented a generator which harnessed the power of dark matter. At this time, four large companies invested in Beaux’s invention. Those companies were Beatris, Sark, Haile, and Dae’s. Uses for this dark matter generator are quickly developed and by 2110 and almost everything is powered by Dark Matter Generators (DMGs). James Beaux died of a heart attack at the age of 68 in 2115. By 2120, the four companies rapidly grew, seeing as all DMGs came from them. Everything from toothbrushes, to hover cars, to weapons of mass destruction, ran on DMGs.
Utilizing its amassed funds, Sark funded large colonies that search for land in the arctic. In 2130, they find a large bit of land which had been pushing up the ice surrounding the Arctic for approximately one-hundred-fifty years. The colonies cut through the ice and established towns and cities. At the same time, massive colonies established themselves in Antarctica, funded by Dae’s. Both new colonies adapted quickly to the conditions and rapidly grew to the point of establishing government as well as their own economies.

The colony in the Arctic called itself “Artica” and was led by a woman named Allison L. Soon after, the colony in Antarctica began to call itself “Tundra” and was led by Sean Oravaine. The two companies soon became the government for the colonies. For many years the two colonies kept to themselves and lived in peace with the rest of the world; trading, participating in the Olympics, immigration, etc. Suddenly, in 2193, Sark and Dae’s wished control of the world, so they threatened to stop supplying the world with their brands of DMG. In response to this threat, the United Nations enlisted the help of the other two massive companies; Beatris and Haile. Beatris was to take care of the Americas while Haile was to take care of the rest of the world.

Then in 2209, Russia seceded from Asia and Europe and joins Sark’s Artica; giving Haile less to protect, but more to worry about. Shortly after, Greenland also became apart of Sark in 2211. With the “negotiation” rejected, Sark and Dae’s developed large armies and attacked North America and Australia in 2212 respectively, beginning a war that will scar the earth forever. Sark and Dae’s also began to secretly develop two huge “Super Weapons”. Artica and Tundra’s armies are held at the Mexican and Chinese borders respectively.

In 2224 all of North and South America combined into one large Nation under one government. Soon, the Americas and Beatris fought off Artica back to the Canadian border by 2229. Realizing the efficiency of this tactic, Africa and Australia joined together. The remainder of Asia and Europe also joined together in 2234 and 37 respectively. As a safety precaution, Beatris sent a spy into Artica and Sark in 2228. Haile also sent a spy into Tundra and Dae’s in 2231. The battle raged on for another twenty-six years. Documents and blueprints are sent to Beatris and Haile via their spies. In 2241, both spying companies began building two “Super Weapons” based on the stolen designs.
During 2258, both Sark and Dae’s discovered the two company spies and executed them immediately.

Realizing what Beatris and Haile stole, Sark and Dae’s sent out their Super Weapons to the battlefield in 2262. Sark sent its “Mech” to Detroit, Michigan. Dae’s sent its “Mech” to Chinese Shanghai. These “Mechs” were large machines built to work like humans. They had arms, legs, a head, hands, fingers, and feet. They carried large weapons such as machineguns, shotguns, pistols, rockets, missiles, and more that were scaled up to fit the machine and made more accurate and more devastating. These machines were also run on DMGs. They were about twelve stories high and about a street block wide. Piloting these “Mechs” were select individuals with extraordinary reaction time, capacity, stress levels, and operation skills. These pilots were called “Knites”. The “Mech” sent to Detroit by Sark was called “Angel”. Angel completely annihilated the army stationed at Detroit. Within three days, the “Mech”, Angel, piloted by the Knite Fran ‘The Sword’ Tiamate, had decimated all of the Beatris/American army in Michigan. The “Mech” sent to destroy Chinese Shanghai was called “Shiva”. Shiva destroyed the Chinese/Haile army and within one week, one fourth of the forces stationed in China were also massacred. Shiva was piloted by a man named Bayne ‘Blue Blood’ Amstri’ice. These two battles were known as the Michigan Massacre and the Shanghai Slaughter.

In 2263 the United Nations had noticed no activity from the two “Mechs”. The following year, 2264, the two “Mechs” laid waste to more of the two defending armies. No “Mech” activity in 2265, but in 2266 Angel attacked Ohio and Shiva attacked Japan. Absolute destruction. By 2300 over half a billion soldiers had been killed and three-fifths of the world was under the control of Sark and Dae’s. In 2301 Beatris took control of the American government. How? They had built their own Mech, “Tribute”, and threatened the government. In 2303 Haile did the same to the African, Australian, European, and Asian government with the aide of their Mech, “Scathe”. Beatris called its new united colony “Tanica”. Haile called its new united colony “Aires”.

During 2310, Tribute, piloted by the Knite Tim “Bane” Schneider, and Scathe, piloted by the Knite Zane “The Forgotten” Whar, faced off against Angel, now piloted by Knite Huo “Halo” Jong, and Shiva, now piloted by Knite Joan “Armor” Johnson. During the fight the four DMG powered super weapons physically touched one another at the same time. The massive amount of dark matter, produced by the DMGs ran by the Mechs, had been continuously leaking out in a highly concentrated invisible shell around the Mechs. At the single point of contact, the dark matter became so dense that it literally collapsed in on itself and created a miniature, powerful, black hole. The black hole had a diameter of approximately thirty kilometers and expanded in a spherical shape from a single point. The four Super Weapons were devoured by the black hole as well as the surrounding area. All that was left, when the black hole ran out of energy, was recognized as the “Crater of Gods”.
For the next ninety years the four companies remained at a stalemate. In 2400 Sark elects a new CEO and President, Mayes Loureighn, a twenty-two year old man who has ideas of peace. He persuades Dae’s to withdraw from Aires and then withdraws Sark’s troops from Tanica. For the next thirty years, the world was at peace. A short period called “The Calm”. In 2430 a new landmass in the Pacific Ocean appears. The new landmass is approximately half the size of Australia. The four companies happen to land on the large island at the exact same time. Mayes L., now 52, is more determined to claim land for his company. He claims the new land for Sark. In this, the other companies claim the land for themselves as well; and so “The Calm” is broken.

Later in 2434, a Japanese man named Hughes Takanawa becomes CEO and President of Haile. In 2449, Cliff Redgar is elected CEO and President of Beatris, and becomes known as the most greedy and violent CEO and president in Beatris’s history. Finally, in 2468 a twenty year old woman named Mary Oravaine, an aggressive woman who is descended from the original leader of Tundra (Sean Oravaine), is elected as CEO and President of Dae’s and turns the government from a democracy to a Monarchy. Warfare on the island does not change until 2470 one year after Mary Oravaine is elected CEO and President of Dae’s. She sends Dae’s newly developed Mech to the island to keep a strong foot hold on the island. The Mech is called ‘Glacial’ and is piloted by Knite Roy “The Glacier” Amprage. Next came Sark’s ‘Frozen Wind’ who is piloted by Mayes Loureighn’s very own daughter, the Knite Karen “The Artic Wind” Loureighn. 2471 brought Beatris’s Mech, ‘Gigas’ piloted by Knite Emily ‘Dagger’ Jacque. And finally in 2472, Haile’s Mech ‘Scathe II’ piloted by the Knite, “Dawn” a female Knite whose name is not known. The four companies slowly moved towards the center searching every inch of the island for valuables and resources.

Secretly a colonel in the Sark military had been building up a resistance since she was fifteen years old. Her name was Asano Ishimura. With the search for riches on the companies’ minds, Ishimura transports half a million troops to the unnamed island. The small resistance called itself “Light”. Light was funded by the broken ex-governments all around the world. They set a perimeter in the center of the island in order to prevent the expansion of the companies. Light has one goal; to return the world to the way it used to be; run by the people, not giant companies for profit. The resistance’s presence is not known until 2478. Where the resistance is ambushed by Beatris’s Mech, Gigas. The fight rages for an hour before something ‘odd’ happens.
Last edited by Kyomen on Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:06 pm, edited 9 times in total.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:10 pm

Avion: The Two Faced War
By Kyomen





Chapter One: Arrival

What kind of emotion would you feel if you knew the person responsible for the death of your family, your god, your country, and even yourself? My name is Avion. I have curly brown hair, dark brown eyes, height of about five foot eleven inches, have fair muscle tone, I am, or rather, I was the king of a nation, and I know this emotion; it is the deepest and purest form of anger. The nation was called Ava. It might have been much like the realm you reside in. It might not. Ava was a peaceful world where people were moral, content, and faithful. All the land within the world was connected. All the villages, towns, cities, states, and even countries supported one another. Ava had everything; vast plains as far as the eye could see or even comprehend; majestic mountains whose snow covered peaks seemed to touch even the highest part of heaven; oceans which wrapped the entire planet in a generous navy blue; an eternal sky which hid the star coated heavens and disclosed them only after revealing its many ravishing hues; and finally its exuberant inhabitants whose very existence undoubtedly completed the utopian conglomerate. The sad thing though, is that I do not know what has become of it.

This is where my story beings. The capitol of Ava, Lilium, named after our God. Lilium once, long ago, came to our world and graced us with unfathomable knowledge. She taught us how to control the energies of life and the flow of all things. This knowledge is what we use to slow our aging and increase our longevity. To give you an example, I am one-hundred-fifty years old; yet, I appear as though I am around thirty-three. Our average age is approximately two-hundred years old. I suppose that’s enough of a history lesson for now; I’ve gotten off track. Pardon my rambling. Anyway, my home is a rather large building called a Vemora. It’s about seven stories high with shingle roofing, which comes to a point at the top forming a square pyramid, and a red-brick exterior. The only extraordinary thing about the building is the front door. It’s a hulking slab of finely polished white marble with the inscription “May Lilium Bring Thy Soul to Peace” across the uppermost edge. A Vemora isn’t exactly what you’d expect a king to live in, but I am not the kind to flash such trivial things like material wealth. It is more of a town hall than my home I suppose. Many people come in every day to work “desk jobs”. They keep the town orderly, thriving, and happy by deciding on laws and acts, voting for them, as well as keeping the budget balanced. In the dead center of the building, is the throne room where I occasionally go to work or relax.

Sitting on my throne, without a care in the world, I glanced about the room with tranquil eyes. Finely woven tapestry hung from the granite ceiling, invisibly lighting the room with its nostalgic rose colored thread. Carefully sewn doves fill the center of these rectangular sheets of velvet. As I cast my sight lower, thick marble pillars, which support the high ceiling with their impossible strength, fill the room. In my mind, these pillars are like the people who hold this nation together. Alone, none of them can hold this ceiling, but together they hold it up with little effort. At the underbelly of my view, I witness the brilliance of the shining obsidian tiles covering the floor from wall to wall. In the center of these tiles is a long narrow carpet made of tightly woven thread that had been dyed red. The carpet was outlined with a golden color. The lengthy floor decoration traveled from the entrance to the throne where I was perched indolently.
Soon, I began to tap exasperatingly on the arm of my throne as I tried to decide what need to be done today. Suddenly, the sound of rubber soles stepping on tile echoed throughout the throne room. When I think back on it, that sound may just have been the most horrifying sound that I’ve ever heard.

I raised my head and leered down the red carpet. There, in the shadows, was my older step-brother, Raleigh. He wore a bright pair of black leather shoes, whose neck was covered by a pair of long tan slacks. His slender torso was shrouded by a white cotton button-up shirt, and over his long boney arms was a caramel jacket. Raleigh’s long blonde hair was tied up into a pony tail while two bangs of hair dangled in front of his eyebrows. Piercing through the shadows, were his light blue eyes and slender features. At his side, my loving wife and darling son. They wore virginal white clothing. Their faces were encased in shadow. “What’re you three doing here,” I asked cheerily, “come to visit me?”
Raleigh shifted his weight unto his left foot and adjusted his collar with his right thumb and index finger. “No” answered Raleigh calmly.

“Then what is it my dear step-brother?”

“We’ve come to tell you something”

“Well, what is it?”

“Your reign as king, my dear Avion, is at an end”

I straightened my back and gripped my throne as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. As the word, “Over”, left his lips, the bodies of my beloved queen, Jennifer, and my dear son, Daniel, began to fall to the floor. It all seemed to slow down for me. My heart beat wildly as it sank into my stomach. The expression on my face screamed sadness and horror as a loud “thud” sound reached my ears. Dark red pools of blood sullied the backs of their virginal white shirts. Rage began to fill my heart, as Raleigh wiped the blood of my loved ones off a steel dagger. I began to scream his name in utter hate, but I could not finish due to an incredible pain that ran through my abdomen. I let out a sudden yell, in agony, as a long iron sword tore through my stomach and pierced through the front of my torso. My red shirt darkened with blood, and I clutched the arm of my throne, tilting my head back in shear pain, as the blade ran through my body. The rage in my face quickly mixed with extreme physical and emotional agony. Out of the corner of my eye the feint image of my younger step-brother, Charles, moved past me. Charles was a stout man who usually wore an array of army green clothing. A small beard hung from his chiseled jaw. His blonde hair was usually messy and unorganized.

My neck slowly began to lose strength as I lost more and more blood. I felt light headed. The bodies of my family lay across the room, limp and lifeless. Charles and Raleigh left the large and extravagant room. My vision began to phase in and out, and my head slowly lowered. I was now looking at the weapon, which lead to my tragic end. My blood was scattered along the length of the blade in no particular patter. The liquid of life, which had sustained me all of my life, was now slowly trickling out of my abdomen along the iron wrought blade. Once it had reached the tip, the blood pooled into a small drop and then dropped into my lap. I sat there, pinned to my throne, full of rage, agony, and melancholy; and for the second time in my life, I felt alone.

With my last breath, oddly familiar warmth submerged my body; I felt at peace. A calm and rejuvenating light filled my view and a quiet whisper was all that I could hear. The warmth of this vaguely familiar light bathed my skin in a relaxing aura. Now that I recall the whisper, I could have sworn that it was the loving voice of my dear Jennifer. My soul had accepted death. The absolute calm, which filled every fiber of my being, every part of my soul, felt as if Lilium herself grasped my soul and engorged it with eternal peace. Thought of the next world leapt around my mind and the hope of being reunited with my family filled my heart. Then, without warning, it was all torn away. I could feel the weight of my living body holding my soul in place and all the emotions returned to me once more. My heart began to beat, breath returned to my lungs, and all the hate, melancholy, and revenge, swelled in my mind.
My eyes opened and I gasped for breath purely out of surprise. My eyes stung a bit for it was unbearably bright. I was alive. Realizing that I should not be, I quickly examined my body for the wound, which Charles inflicted upon me; nothing. I was flabbergasted.
Last edited by Kyomen on Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:28 am, edited 3 times in total.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:10 pm

<(^.^)>
Last edited by Kyomen on Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:11 pm

(>^.^)>
Last edited by Kyomen on Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Blood Lord » Mon Oct 12, 2009 5:52 pm

Okay. Don't get offended, but I'm going to... err destroy this.

Kyomen wrote:Contstructive criticism is welcome. So is negative and skill building criticism.

I'm going to hold you to this.



As far as I can tell, your grammar and spelling are fine. But you need to put spaces in between the paragraphs.

Kyomen wrote:acts, voting for them, as well as keeping the budget balanced. In the dead center of the building, is the throne room where I occasionally go to work or relax.

Sitting on my throne, without a care in the world, I glanced about the room with tranquil eyes. Finely woven tapestry hung from

Like so. I would also consider new paragraphs when new ideas are introduced.

Kyomen wrote:Hello, my name is Avion. I have curly brown hair, dark brown eyes, height of about five foot eleven inches, and have fair muscle tone. I am, or rather, I was the king of a nation.

This is somewhat a boring hook. A hook is what snares the readers attention, and makes them interested enough to continue on. I have a difficult time trying to continue on after reading this.



You do relize that you can post everything on one pae, and just update it in sections right?

I mean you have divided the first chapter into sections that you posted on the same day/time. The posts can stretch. When you post Chapter 2, post everything, unless you are not done with it.

Kyomen wrote:“Then what is it my dear step-brother?”
“We’ve come to tell you something”
“Well, what is it?”
“Your reign as king, my dear Avion, is at an end”

Who is talking, and how are they talking?

Create a new paragraph with each space, so that should look like this.
Kyomen wrote:“Then what is it my dear step-brother?” I cautiously asked.

“We’ve come to tell you something” replied Raleigh.

“Well, what is it?” I demanded.

“Your reign as king, my dear Avion, is at an end” my brother quietly replied.

Now I'm not an expect in narrative points of view. I usually write from a third person point of view.
It gives me more freedom to act, and to write.

Now this seems to be written in a past tense format, as if he is re-accounting his events. That might be useful to establish a background story, but I would recommend jumping into a present tense format later on.

That's all I can see for right now. I'll continue on if/when you post again.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Mon Oct 12, 2009 6:31 pm

Thanks for the criticism :D Tis appreciated, but it seems that you're a bit confused on some of these subjects :D Allow me to clarify. First thing I noticed right off the back was the whole conversation thing. Now, when two and ONLY two characters of a story begin to have a conversation they each only need to be announced once. When you tend to do something like say he said she said (No matter how many words you use to describe who said it and how they said it) it tends to get wordy. That's where this little writing technique comes in :3 it prevents it from getting too wordy. Tis a very useful technique and saves time; although, I will say that the last sentence in this phrase exchange could include a "He said She said" thing where raleigh says "You're reign, my dear step-brother, is over" but it's not required. That's a personal preference, but I do agree with you I should add a bit more detail to the last phrase exchange made by raleigh.
As for it being boring. There is a history of earth that I've made up AS WELL AS a back cover summary. Which is usually how most books get you hooked. I don't need a "Hook" at the begining of my story because the back-cover-summary does that for me. Now, if you'd like me to post both of them I'd love too :D. Also, when you say boring, let me remind you that this is merely the first four pages in twelve point font, 1.5 space on microsoft word xp. (To give you a general idea of the size) It's also in early developement mon sheri ;3. As for everything else. You're right! Though I am a little sketchy on the whole space between paragraphs thing. That isn't always needed and in many of the books that I use as a reference, it's hardly ever used, but then again it might just be your preference. Anyway, thanks for reading and posting, you've helped a bunch =3 and there will be more to be posted. Please, do keep track of my little thread here. It'll get interesting as it progresses. And like I said in my first post. Tis a long and agonizing process o.o. Also. From my chapter summaries and my USUAL attention to detail, This book might range from two-hundred- fifty pages to a solid five-hundred. (Average range of most of my books =3)
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Mon Oct 12, 2009 6:32 pm

Oh yea, I'm also told that you're pretty popular and well known around here o.o. Tis an honor to have you visit mah thread! :3 Oh yea, one last thing, third person eh? This book is going to be a series of six books. The sixth (Or possibly the seventh) is going to be in third person. I'm not very good at the whole "All knowing narrarator" thing. Give me some suggestions later on! Thanks BL. o.o
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Jasthn » Mon Oct 12, 2009 7:31 pm

Somehow I had a feeling you would be the one to look at this Blood Lord. I wasn't very specific with my friend Kyomen on how he should have posted this.

Every post is a paragraph Blood.

@Kyomen: Don't make me kill you.

Now, when two and ONLY two characters of a story begin to have a conversation they each only need to be announced once. When you tend to do something like say he said she said (No matter how many words you use to describe who said it and how they said it) it tends to get wordy. That's where this little writing technique comes in :3 it prevents it from getting too wordy.


You still need a few pointers on who is talking.

I don't need a "Hook" at the begining of my story because the back-cover-summary does that for me


You still need it REGARDLESS! I don't care if you think your right or not! Every book needs a 'hook' of some sort at the beggining. The back cover summary is NOT your 'hook'.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Mon Oct 12, 2009 8:55 pm

*Smacks jasthn* -_- You're an artist not a writer. When you pick up a book what's the first thing you look to see if it sounds interesting? The back-cover-summary. Baka. Second of all. I've been writing for a lonng time. A LONG TIME. Lot's of things he's said has been preference, but he pays attention to detail and I apprciate that. *Shoots jasthn's twinkies* I just shot your twinkies. HA! Anyway >_> *Smacks* Bish. :3 And there isn't really much to who's talking >_> There are things such as accent (not inserted here) How they speak (Such as nothing to nothin'). Although blood's advice and criticism is taken to heart and applied. It does not make him the god of writing >_> Don't be a fanboy Jasthn ;3 Also, hooks at the beginning are generally for formal papers. Like a school paper. It's not required all the time with a book.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
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When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Blood Lord » Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:00 pm

Kyomen wrote:Thanks for the criticism :D Tis appreciated

Not by looking at the rest of the paragraph.

Kyomen wrote:Now, when two and ONLY two characters of a story begin to have a conversation they each only need to be announced once.

Yes, I've noticed this.
Kyomen wrote:Their faces were encased in shadow. “What’re you three doing here,” I asked cheerily, “come to visit me?”
Raleigh shifted his weight unto his left foot and adjusted his collar with his right thumb and index finger. “No” answered Raleigh calmly.
“Then what is it my dear step-brother?”
“We’ve come to tell you something”
“Well, what is it?”
“Your reign as king, my dear Avion, is at an end”

At the bold sections, I had no idea who is talking. I was unsure if it was one of his family members, or if it was just his step-brother. I had to read it several times in order to first understand.
That is annoying to readers.

Kyomen wrote:I don't need a "Hook"

Yeah you do. Even if you hook is on the back cover. The first things that "snare" a reader is the cover, and how the book is started.

Kyomen wrote:Now, if you'd like me to post both of them I'd love too :D

Sure.

Kyomen wrote:Also, when you say boring, let me remind you that this is merely the first four pages in twelve point font, 1.5 space on microsoft word xp.

Congratulations?

Note that I was referring to how you began the story, not the story itself.

Kyomen wrote:Oh yea, one last thing, third person eh?

Yes. It allows more "freedom". You can show what both sides are thinking, show both sides progress through out the story, and reveal more about them.

For me it is an easier method of writing. In my own fanfic here, I use that method. Although there are two different ways, and I'm having a difficult time staying on one method. I can do a wider range of activities and use it to better draw a picture for the readers.

Jasthn wrote:Every post is a paragraph Blood.

I don't care.

Jasthn wrote:Somehow I had a feeling you would be the one to look at this Blood Lord.

You are growing strong.

However, this is really one of the reasons I stopped posting in here. When ever I try to help someone with their story, I get "talked" to like I'm some kind of jack ass, and then there is the whole "How dare you talk bad about my work" attitude. Now your friend did not necessarily show those traits, but it was enough that I really don't give a damn about the story anymore.

Kyomen wrote:Thanks for the criticism :D Tis appreciated, but it seems that you're a bit confused on some of these subjects :D Allow me to clarify. First thing I noticed right off the back was the whole conversation thing. Now, when two and ONLY two characters of a story begin to have a conversation they each only need to be announced once. When you tend to do something like say he said she said (No matter how many words you use to describe who said it and how they said it) it tends to get wordy. That's where this little writing technique comes in :3 it prevents it from getting too wordy. Tis a very useful technique and saves time; although, I will say that the last sentence in this phrase exchange could include a "He said She said" thing where raleigh says "You're reign, my dear step-brother, is over" but it's not required. That's a personal preference, but I do agree with you I should add a bit more detail to the last phrase exchange made by raleigh.
As for it being boring. There is a history of earth that I've made up AS WELL AS a back cover summary. Which is usually how most books get you hooked. I don't need a "Hook" at the begining of my story because the back-cover-summary does that for me. Now, if you'd like me to post both of them I'd love too :D. Also, when you say boring, let me remind you that this is merely the first four pages in twelve point font, 1.5 space on microsoft word xp. (To give you a general idea of the size) It's also in early developement mon sheri ;3. As for everything else. You're right! Though I am a little sketchy on the whole space between paragraphs thing. That isn't always needed and in many of the books that I use as a reference, it's hardly ever used, but then again it might just be your preference. Anyway, thanks for reading and posting, you've helped a bunch =3 and there will be more to be posted. Please, do keep track of my little thread here. It'll get interesting as it progresses. And like I said in my first post. Tis a long and agonizing process o.o. Also. From my chapter summaries and my USUAL attention to detail, This book might range from two-hundred- fifty pages to a solid five-hundred. (Average range of most of my books =3)

I mean look at this. Yes I see points on it, and stuff. But dear god.

I'm trying to help out a little bit, and I'm getting fucking lectured. I see the points of acknowledgment in that thing, and appreciate that. But you don't need to fight me on it, or lecture me about the rules of writing.

Never mind.

Kyomen, looks great. Don't change a thing. Knock yourself out.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby ChocolateHurricanex » Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:31 am

Jackass.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:49 am

I wasn't fighting you off >.> You just took my tone as harsh and it wasn't. I was just telling you the things I've been taught in detail. Sorry if it seems like a lecture, but I explain my actions throughly and I don't really see that as a bad thing mate. Sorry if I seemed mean, but that's my usual tone. o.o Sooo yea. Don't take it personally. I have changed a few things in my story thus far so, don't think I didn't pay any attention to your suggestions or anything. I appriciate the help and I've changed a few things. As for YOU jasthn >_> Stop being a fanboy. I thought you've learned better from hanging out with me o.o. REBEL!!! x3 But yea. Anyway, the whole first thing about the conversation, I'm just saying that I usually notice that a bunch of people say that. It's just whenever I post on some kind of forum it's something I see and have to explain a lot x_x. I'd like to see you post more here D= *Pokes the person that said jackass* YOU'RE A JACKASS :3
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Jasthn » Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:05 am

Stop being a fanboy


Fanboy? I am with Blood and Hurricane. This still needs work.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:06 pm

Fanboy? I am with Blood and Hurricane. This still needs work.


Dude >_> of course it does. Tis still in developement. I never said it didn't >_> and Hurricane didn't even say anything relevant. And yes Fanboy you should know that one of the things I hate is fanboys -_- and I expect better out of you, talking about things you don't know about >.> You're agreeing with things you don't even understand *Flails* except the whole hook thing. Don't be a noel mang. Oh btw. Noel's getting REALLY desperate, it's just disgusting x_x. We need to kill him. I'll get the baseball bat!
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:36 pm

REVISION!!!! o.o *Points above* >.> Oh! And one last thing I might've forgot to point out. Everyone's had that experience where you're reading a book and you don't know why something happend and then you read further and then you figure it out? Well yea, you know who's talking in the conversation between Avion and Raleigh because when you read further ahead you find out that his wife and son come in dead. So they aren't able to talk. How would you know? Because Avion didn't mention any motion from Raleigh or noises from his wife and son. So you just have to piece that together. It's a bit vague, but yea. It's there just not in that amount of detail o.o;
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:57 pm

“Then what is it my dear step-brother?”
“We’ve come to tell you something”
“Well, what is it?”
“Your reign as king, my dear Avion, is at an end”

This should be this:

“Then what is it my dear step-brother?”

“We’ve come to tell you something”

“Well, what is it?”

“Your reign as king, my dear Avion, is at an end”

It just makes it easier to read on the forums.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:01 pm

It just makes it easier to read on the forums.


Ah, I've been posting it based on "Word XP" haven't really been taking the whole forum thing into mind x_x It's different here XD
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:03 pm

I'll be updating the story either by the end of tonight or sometime tomorrow. I might type up a couple extra paragraphs tonight though.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:05 pm

It's different here XD

Yes it is.

Microsoft Word 2007 seems to fit the forums the best since it will automatically give a space between paragraphs when you hit the space button. Very nice for writing.

Pain in the ass to write an essay with since you have to edit a lot of settings for the professor to accept it, but its not bad.

Kyomen wrote:I'll be updating the story either by the end of tonight or sometime tomorrow. I might type up a couple extra paragraphs tonight though.

Alright. I'll check then.

Perhaps I should restart mine... nah. Could never get anyone to read it and give me feedback.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:02 pm

*Flails* UPDATE!!!! O_O

Oh and I also put in the prologue! :3


{UPDATE #1 (continuation of previous paragraph)}
Laying back down upon the ground, I realized something. I was no longer within the confines of my castle! This fact startled me so much that I began to grasp the ground in order to feel it's texture. All that was beneathe me was dry, barren soil. The sky above me was cloudy and gray. I sat up to examine my surroudings; much to my surprise, it was empty. There were a few dead, leafless trees scattered about the barren terrain, but that was it. Never in my life had I seen something so... so lifeless, and there I sat, in the middle of nowhere, dead center of a barren wasteland. In the distance I heard several loud bangs followed by a flurry of hushed, in comparison, bangs. Over the course of the next couple minutes, the sounds got louder and closer until I could see a large amount of men rushing my way, down a distant hill, in vehicles I've never seen before. I stood up with great haste in order to move out of their way. They wore faded brown clothing and carried odd weapons. As they dashed past me, I could clearly hear some of their cries. "Hurry up!" some said, "Drive faster damn it!" others yelled, "Gigas is coming!" I thought for a brief moment, "Gigas..? What in the hell is a Gigas?" Soon after this thought my question was answered.

The hill infront of me suddenly exploded! Shards of dry earth scattered across the land and the cries of the men were muffled by the enourmous explosion. I quickly covered my head and got down on one knee as to protect myself from any falling debri. I looked up curiously for a moment and then I saw it, Gigas. It was a massive human like machine which carried weapons similar to that of the men driving by me. It possessed a slender head, which bright demonic red eyes rest upon. It was unimaginably tall! Width to height ratio it wasn't that "large" in regards to the size of its arms, legs, and body. It was painted red on it's chest plate, forearms, and shins. The rest of its body looked as if it was made out of cast iron or some kind of rusted titanium. For a few instances it stood there, in the still flying debri, and seemed to stare me dead in the eye. Then it raised it's long, skinny arm and pulled the trigger on its weapon. Rounds of ammunition began to fire off and hit several of the retreating vehicles. I was unable to move. Fear had paralyzed my body. All I could do was watch those men get blown to smithereens. Their blood scattered across the field of impact; their vehicles were decimated; their limbs scattered. Some blood even splashed abruptly across my face and the windshields of neighboring cars. It was like a holocaust was taking place right before my eyes.

Then, all of a sudden, my mind began to swell with unimaginable anger. Anger which literally burned my brain and etched itself into my skull. I closed my eyes and fell to my knees, clutching my head. The painful memories of my loved ones hitting the floor filled my mind. Everything else around me suddenly disappeared and all that remained were the blood ridden corpses of my wife and child. The dagger which has killed them was floating carelessly above their bodies. Their blood dripped from its tip. I opened my eyes and looked up at the massive "Death Machine" and the image of my brother, Raleigh, took its place. It began to rain almost as if the heavens were crying for my family. I could feel the cold drops of rain trickle down my skin. The anger that burned inside of me swiftly replaced that cold feeling with an unbearable heat. A blood curdling scream lept out of my mouth. I became overwhelmed with pain. It felt like my skin was on fire. Suddenly, I found myself looking down upon the holocaust like scene, and surely enough I could see myself. What was happening? How was I having an out of body experience? I was completely and utterly confused. Then I noticed something. I felt no anger, no rage, and that unbearable heat had vanished; all without a trace. As I took a closer look at myself down below, I could see that I was still wrought with anger, rage, and pain.

With closer examination, the drops of rain which fell upon me turned to water vapor and floated back into the sky. What the hell was going on? I seemed to float closer to what was apparently my body. It began to stand up on its own. Its head no longer clutched and its body no longer trembling from the agonizing pain. Its eyes, however, were still closed. My body remained still and emotionless for several seconds, completely uneffected by the chaos around it. Without warning, it quickly raised its arm and opened his hand. There in its hand materialized some sort of slightly curved sword. The sword was made out of some lustrous white metal. The blade was thin and double-edged. The hilt was an empty square with black vine like decorations that wrapped around the blade, and was placed between the tip of the handle and the blade. The handle was made out of the same kind of metal as the blade, but it was long and rectangular with rounded edges; it was also wrapped in tightly woven obsidian thread. My hand grasped the handle in mid-air. Then my wrist snapped and whipped the blade to the right piercing one of the on-coming vehicles. This fast moving vehicle drove straight through the blade creating sparks from the metal on metal contact and friction. These sparks ignited the fuel within the vehicle's gas tank and exploded right as the blade exited the rear end. The two men inside the vehicle were incinerated, and my body still stood there, emotionless, its arm outstretched; the tears of heaven still evaporating off its skin.
Last edited by Kyomen on Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:11 pm

Perhaps I should restart mine... nah. Could never get anyone to read it and give me feedback.


I'd read and give feed back ^o.o
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:48 pm

Kyomen wrote:*Flails* UPDATE!!!! O_O

Oh and I also put in the prologue! :3

Err. I should have explained myself better.

You don't need to post all of you updates into one post. That can become hard to read, and even more difficult for readers to follow. Now I now what I said before, but those were paragraphs to the same update. Not individual Updates.

Say you Updated on the 1st of June. This is Mk I.
Discussion soon follows about your update. Both praises and criticism.

You Updated again on the 7th of Jun (or even the 2nd). This is Mk II.

Mk I and Mk II can occupy the same post. Some people can do it, however it is a bitch to read unless they are new to the story. There is nothing wrong with this format, its just that your readers have a difficult time reading it, and they soon lose interest.

So, keep Mk I and Mk II separate to avoid this problem.

I would put your prologue in the first post, below your explanation.

I would put your first update in following post.

Then put the second update in this post:
Kyomen wrote:*Flails* UPDATE!!!! O_O

Oh and I also put in the prologue! :3

[inset second update, and location of the prologue]


Kyomen wrote:
Perhaps I should restart mine... nah. Could never get anyone to read it and give me feedback.


I'd read and give feed back ^o.o

The location is on my signature.
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Thu Oct 15, 2009 3:23 pm

Lol, I went back and reread this section of my story, and I have to say that if I were him. I'd be confused out of my mind XD. Where am I? Why am I not dead? Wtf are those?! Who are these random men?! WTF did that mountain just explode? HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS THAT?! Ah! Why does my body hurt so much!? Why am I so pissed off?! WHERE'S MY WIFE?! Wtf o.o I'm not angry anymore? Why can I see my body?! Wtf it can move on it's own? Where the fx did that sword come from? Since when can I do that?! HOLY SHIT! I, er..., it blew up a car!?
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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Re: Avion: The Two Faced War

Postby Kyomen » Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:58 pm

Oh yea o.o One more thing, if anyone is ever confused about what's going on I'll fill you in :3. Which reminds me. Summary is in my first post :3
A forum post should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject material, but short enough to keep things interesting
-Kyo
When someone hits rock bottom, they usually say "No where to go but up". Right? Wrong! If you hit rock bottom hard enough you'll fall right into the mantle. If you live through that you'll hit the inner mantle. And through that the outter core. And still after that the inner core, but what comes next? You come out the other side. Those who hit rock bottom and act like they had it hard are just oblivious to the trip past that little safety net.
-Kyo
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