That's right, I've written a film script. Well, a short film script. This is the first time I've done one without collaborating with someone else, so it's probably pretty shit. So I thought I'd put it up here and ask my bestest best friends to look over it and give me some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

CHOCOLATES


1. Ext. Day Street

A man named LARRY sits on a bench, a box of chocolates in his lap

LARRY (v/o)
I think it was Tom Hanks, or possibly a character
He played in a movie, who said “Life is like a box
Of chocolates, because you never know what you’re
Going to get.” But these days, it says right on the box
Because if you’re allergic to something in the chocolate
You’ll sue them

A beautiful girl, EMMA, comes and sits next to him

EMMA
Are those for your girlfriend?

LARRY
Oh, no. I don’t have a girlfriend. I just like chocolates.

EMMA
Can I have one?

LARRY
Of course.

EMMA reaches over and takes one without looking at what it is

LARRY
Wait, you don’t have any allergies, do you?

EMMA
Yeah, peanuts. But in life, you’ve gotta take risks

She puts the chocolate in her mouth. They smile at each other. EMMA’s eyes suddenly go wide

EMMA
Oh, God, it had peanuts.


2. Int. Day. LARRY’s House

Larry pours some soup into a bowl and puts it in the microwave.

EMMA
Thank you so much.

LARRY
Not at all.

EMMA
This is a lovely place.

LARRY
Not at all.

EMMA giggles

LARRY
Um…this might seem a bit forward, but do you have
A boyfriend?

EMMA
Um…well, sort of…

LARRY
Wow. I always thought something like that would be
more definite.


EMMA
Well, he’s just this guy I’ve been seeing on and off since
High school. We’ll go out for a couple of months, and
When he finds something “better” he moves on, but it
never seems too long before he comes back, and I always
let him come back.

A short silence

LARRY
Sounds like you need to lose that zero and get yourself
A hero. (suddenly coming back to himself) But I guess it’s
Hard to find someone like that, hey?

EMMA
Not as hard as you might think.

They smile at each other

LARRY (v/o)
Sometimes, things don’t go completely as planned.
Like if you go to get a box of your favourite chocolates
And you pick up the wrong box. But that isn’t always
A bad thing. Like if you got a box that was full of turkish
Delight. Unless you don’t like turkish delight, but I do,
And…

The microwave beeps loudly. LARRY ducks out of fear

LARRY
(getting back up) Son of a bitch. That thing always
Scares the crap out of me.

3. Ext. Day. Outside EMMA’s house

EMMA stands just in the door way, LARRY on the path leading to the door.

EMMA
Thanks again

LARRY
Anytime.

They stand in an awkward silence.

LARRY
Well, bye.

EMMA
Bye

LARRY starts back towards his car. He walks back to EMMA.

LARRY
Can I call you sometime?

EMMA
Yeah, yeah I’d like that.

LARRY
Okay.

They smile at each other. LARRY starts towards his car again. He walks back to EMMA again

LARRY
Can I get your number, or…?

EMMA
Oh, right

EMMA grabs a piece of paper, writes down her phone number and hands it to LARRY

LARRY
Thanks

LARRY starts back down the path again. EMMA shuts the door. LARRY pulls out a wrapped chocolate from his pocket. Without looking, he unwraps it and sticks it in his mouth. He stops suddenly.

EMMA (v/o)
In life, you’ve gotta take risks.

LARRY runs back up to the door and bangs loudly. EMMA opens the door.

LARRY (v/o)
My life has been like a box of chocolates. But I think
Now it’s going to be like two boxes of chocolates.

LARRY grabs her and kisses her passionately. He lets go, and EMMA stands completely still.

LARRY
It had peanuts, didn’t it?

EMMA nods her head slowly. LARRY walks her inside.

LARRY(v/o)
Two boxes without peanuts.

THE END


This is just a first draft, I plan to make heaps of changes. But what do you all think?

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Mac users edited it out of the Bible, but the eleventh commandment was "Thou shalt get a proper computer, for fuck's sake."

Liberal Arts Quantum Physics: Light's damned fast and not everything is as it seems. Space is funny like that. The end.

Slightly funny. You did say in the end that there was no peanuts in either box, right? If you did, you didn't convey it clearly.

Not very deep or too funny, but I did see something get across and I did get a few chuckles out of it, but the first line was a bit too long. Need to get to the punch line faster there.

Flash or....?


I like it for the most part, short, comical, not trying to force a greater point, would make a good short.

Yeah, its not too bad. Like the others asked, what medium are you looking at for this?

_________________
-It's almost impossible for me to tell you just how cool everything is going to be right now-

Everyone needs awesome people in their lives. Luckily for you, that awesome people is me.

(Coming Soon!)

A short film, like with real people.
No. The last two boxes mentioned aren't real boxes, it's metaphorical. His life was like one box, but now he'll spend it with emma, so it'll be like two boxes

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Mac users edited it out of the Bible, but the eleventh commandment was "Thou shalt get a proper computer, for fuck's sake."

Liberal Arts Quantum Physics: Light's damned fast and not everything is as it seems. Space is funny like that. The end.

Oh, well, you didn't convey the point well to me.

Freaking awesome. You should find a Flash artist and work with them on making an adaptation.

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When you've got balls, it hurts more to sit on the fence. / [My Deviantart]