SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%)

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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 10 is DONE! (1

Postby hellboy222 » Fri Apr 20, 2007 12:12 pm

nice keep it up.Emily finally got what was coming to her
check it out => funny
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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 10 is DONE! (1

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Fri Apr 27, 2007 11:45 am

Chapter 11


*scene fades up to an overview of a complex, busy urban district. Restaurants, banks, and other buildings clutter the view considerably but the numerous cars and people are still visible, the latter going about their daily labors and the former being driven to their various destinations. Lampposts are donned with video cameras, similar to the ones at the suburbs. The hue of the backdrop has a slightly orange tint, a sign that sunset nearing*

*scene now zooms in to a door of a small corner cafe. It swings open, the ones exiting being two men in their mid twenties, walking down the sidewalk. One's white, donning short blond hair, green eyes, and well-dressed in dress pants and a green jacket. His ID card is also present, although there's a small round sticker on it. The second man, lightly tanned with light brown skin--probably Mexican--dons black hair in a medium layered hairstyle, brown eyes, and dressed in a similar manner as the previous man (ID card and all), only the jacket is brown. In short, they're moderately well dressed. The second man appears almost aloof, whereas the first seems to have a rather serious look on his face*

Man #2: Geez Andy, it looked like a mishap to me. What's with the face?

Andy: Did you see anyone else in there wait more then 45 minutes for a simple plate of biscuits? And how many glasses of water did we get?!

Man #2: Well I wasn't very thirsty so...

Andy: That waitress poured one cup after another to every other person except for us. I thought I told you to pay attention!

Man #2: Oh, like it's not easy to forget that this is recon. I'll say this again in a less condensed matter: You were thirsty so you ordered coffee, but you got iced tea by accident. I didn't order. *pauses* And this was supposed to show me, the intrepid newbie Andrew, what again?

Andy: Just keep your stickers on and keep walking.

Andrew: Tsch. No idea where you're going with this. And by the way, the waitress seemed new. She even had a nametag.

Andy: Apparently you don't seem to understand that every worker, seasoned or otherwise, tend to make an ass of oneself! Think back on observing a little chat between a "normal" and Marked One. Try to recall at least ONE event that didn't result the former speaking aloud in a cocky, self-righteous tone thinking that he or she knows the Marked One's entire life story before the latter can even do so much as think of a counter-argument! *removes the red sticker* To that waitress and everyone else in that cafe, we're Marked Ones. Of course she wasn't going to waste her time on people like us.

Andrew: *puzzled* Oooooooooookay...so did you tip her?

Andy: Oh for the love of...forget about it. Just keep your sticker on.

*Andrew has a short chuckle, Andy not knowing whatever it is that he finds so funny. They keep walking until they reach a corner, then turn. During the trek they take notice of a woman in uniform. Not an Enforcer, just an office worker in her mid 30s. Beside her is a young girl who appears no older then eleven. Her ID card, like all other child ID cards, has nothing more then a barcode and numbers corresponding with the letters of her name. Not that it matters whether they're visible or not as both backs are facing the men as they walk forward*

Andrew: Say, cute kid there.

Andy: Get behind me.

Andrew: Eh?

Andy: Just slow down and let me pass her first.

*Andy walks a little faster, going ahead of Andrew as he passes the mother and daughter, slightly turning the upper section of his body, as if flashing his ID card. This leaves Andrew a little perplexed, not quite understanding what this is about. Andy stops as he leans against a nearby payphone, allowing Andrew to catch up*

Andrew: What the hell was...

Andy: Now you.

Andrew: Just tell me what I...

Andy: *impatient* Do I need to say it in Spanish?! Just do what I did!

Andrew: Not sure where you're going with this, but...

*the Mexican imitates what Andy demonstrated seconds ago. When passing by the woman however, she catches a glimpse of the red sticker on Andrew's ID card. Her face becoming repugnant, as if she gazed upon something filthy, she grabs her daughter by the hand and increases her walking speed a bit, as does the girl*

Andy: Now tell me, what did you see?

Andrew: *raises his arm and sniffs the armpit* Took a bath this morning. She obviously smelled something bad. Or maybe she's in a hurry. Then again, that last one doesn't explain why she looked so infuriated at the red sticker. Or was it me?

Andy: The last two. Funny how she looked so pissed when she saw that damn Mark. As if you were scum. As if you were...

*Andrew knew full well what was coming. Bracing himself for a lengthy lecture, he takes a deep breath as he and Andy continue walking, muttering an obscenity in Spanish under his breath in the process*

Andy: Use that damn head of yours for once! Point out one traffic light, streetlight...hell, even a friggin skyscraper that doesn't have a closed-circuit camera blended in as it screens and scans every inch, every barcode of an ID card!

Andrew: From what I keep hearing it’s for...

Andy: What? Safety reasons?! Look around! You couldn't find a safer, better lit (minus the annoying amber effect every sunset) part of the urbs then this side! Why? Occasional congestion; far too many people scuttling about like roaches! No Marked One would dare pull a dumb stunt with pairs of eyes every which way. Yet that bitch took a glance at the red dot on the ID card, tagged on someone who'd pass for a upper high end University student, and what's her reaction?! *scoffs, then shakes head* Mind you, I've lost faith on people using their heads instead of the usual knee-jerks a long time ago. I mean for God's sake did you have a trenchcoat? Are you in your forties? Fat even?

Andrew: Are those rhetorical questions by any chance? Mind you, neither of us are officially ousted. *removes the red sticker* This is a test, as you said. If this specific location is meant to deter any offenses committed by Marked Ones, why haven't I seen a single Enforcer since we got to this neck of the woods? Seems to be a bit of an overreliance on technology if you ask me. Either that or they're undercover.

Andy: *grins; nods* Much better. If anyone should be scared, its us. We're just two of many so-called "heathens" trapped in a sea of the mentally obese masses fed a daily diet of fear. But that's for another time.

Andrew: Please save the next of your monologue for another time. I'd like my head to be in good condition thank you, but it amazes me that you're not afraid. I definitely am.

Andy: Take one guess.

Andrew: Does this relate to the fact that you have a gun concealed somewhere?

Andy: *ignores the question* I know I said I'll shut my mouth since you finally get it, but I feel like pointing out one more thing for today: Enforcers are so preoccupied with Marked Ones and other related activities...

*Andy and Andrew stop in front of a large hospital building, with the words "St. Maxamillion National Hospital" engraved in large capitalized letters just above the second row of windows. Andy turns to his left and sees a parked cobalt SUV, with no one inside save for a small dirty blonde girl sleeping in the backseat. The parent(s) are most likely either in the hospital or elsewhere. Regardless of their whereabouts, Andy whips out a gun (a Browning 9 millimeter Hi-Power...in case anyone cares) from one of the interior jacket pockets and points it up in the air*

Andrew: The hell are you...

Andy: *finishes his sentence* ...they've forgotten how to handle THIS!!

*right on the last word, the trigger is pushed as a bullet is fired up into the orange-amber sky, accompanied by a loud bang that puts some of the surrounding people in a panic. They scurry about, taking shelter in the nearby buildings as another shot is fired, this time followed immediately by the sound of glass shattering. Putting his hand through the broken car window, Andy unlocks the SUV and hops on the leathery driver seat (and unintentionally sitting on the second bullet lodged within said seat), beckoning Andrew to join in. Confused and not wanting to get trapped in the swarming crowd, the Mexican hops in the passenger side and closes the door*

Andrew: *angry* WHAT IN THE FU...

Andy: Would you shut up?! *notices the car key still in the ignition* Oh my Go...*chuckles* Unbelievable!

Andrew: We're committing grand theft auto WHY?!

Andy: Two reasons. I'll tell you along the way.

*and on that note, the sole of Andy's shoe slams into the pedal and the SUV zooms off, leaving the dust and short-lived panic in its wake. Andrew turns to the backseat and sees the little girl still dozing off. Her ID card reads 19-1-13-1-14-20-8-1*

Andrew: Samantha eh? Wonder if folks ever consider this ID system too lengthy. *pauses* People. Funny how some of them think.

Andy: Tell me about it. You peek at the face of a snoozing kid and you're all better.

Andrew: I already told you I adore them. Just wish she wasn't in the car at the time. *sighs* God knows how things will go down once she wakes up.

*in minutes time, the SUV reaches the bridge connecting the land masses of suburbia and the urban jungle. As the bridge is crossed by it and hundreds of other cars, the sun sets lower under the horizon to the point where only the top, dulling the amber hue as it makes way for night*

*meanwhile, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, sunset is almost complete in the suburban area as the skies slowly shift to cerulean and a few stars become visible. Cars fresh from the urban area slowly start to make their usual congregation as they're parked at their respective driveways. The adults don't remain outside for long, merely setting the alarms on their vehicles before stepping inside to tend to the few youngsters allowed to stay home alone. Latchkey kids as they're often called*

*but our attention is, more or less, directed at the Staydamind residence. Two familiar people are stepped on the front lawn: Claire the schoolteacher and Tabatha the Enforcer, engage in minor chit chat concerning the recent "scuffle" between Cindy and Emily, the former still indoors and the latter nowhere to be found...or at least, nowhere Claire initially thought of looking*

*as an Enforcer, Tabatha keeps hold of a strict sense of uniform. While Enforcers can choose the option of casual wear for undercover assignments, the main uniform consists of a beige robe-like attire made of silk. It drops a few inches below the waist and dons buttons from the stomach up, complete with a tie underneath, exposed due to the top part being unbuttoned. Around the waist is a small brown sash with a cross in the center complete with a shield superimposed behind it. In short, not quite the standard law enforcement garb*

Chapter will be finished soon! (along with some changes up there)
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
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Postby crilly123 » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:11 am

Update NOW or soon.
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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%

Postby Q.U. » Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:42 am

Shadowed State of Mind wrote:Own continuation? Done it. Check sig. Not quite as good as this tale though.


And so it took me some time to get here... and will take me even more to read it all.
As of right now, after reading just 2 posts containing the story, as well as reading the comments in between them, I can't say much. And keep such posts of mine as an add-up comment, since I don't feel like an authority in this subject at all.

1. You surely do have the creative potential, which makes me interested what you came up with. Conclusion: I'll get to reading this after I'm done with one of my two current lectures.

2. Characters and their development seems to be on the best way.

3. References! Gotto love'em :p But seriously, they are all useful in both making the story more interesting and in allowing the author to reveal his/hers own likes and dislikes. (useless if you intend to make a fully original piece of writing though)

4. The style you use seems more like a script then a novel. Due to this you will lack the room for epic/poetic elements even if you are able to properly push them inside. This seems more like a piece of writing which is being created as a mean of self-development of the author (or that's the impression I get) which is obviously good.

Still, (although maybe not in this work) I'll advise you to try your luck with the regular style, as some people here suggested already. Try means you can try writing something else, and maybe only for your own viewing if you want.
But the part you're missing out due to the style of this fic can be a real factor in making it more enjoyment to read.

Chapter 1 wrote:The city of Townsville. Sister city to Megasville. The city that gets hit with enough monster attacks to rival Tokyo. The home of one of the greatest heroes Townsville, and perhaps the world, has ever known: The Powerpuff Girls!

At the edge of the suburbs lies a school specially for kindergartens. A school that is honored to educate its cute little defenders. Why I speak of Pokey Okes Kindergarten of course. Role call should be done riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight about now.


This is all the intro, after that there are just dialogues. Obviously dialogues make the base for the story (meaning action), but the setting and characters are to be developed right here, in such lines.
I'll even go for an example, but sth else than Griddles', since you read that anyway.

The park was calm and silent, waiting for the great moments of violence and chaos that were soon to come. The gentle warm breeze delicately brushed against the spiky hair of deep green colour. The area was still sleepy, it was too early for the nearby town to fully wake up in its normal everyday rush, making decisions, deals and all the other insignificant things that humans tended to do without any further reflections, running through their everyday life. Nobody noticed the weird aura, densely covering the park, settled a few miles away from the city’s fuss. But there was one person waiting for whatever was to happen here so soon, and ready to react accordingly. No sounds were made, as the gate to another world started vibrating.

The portal opened with a loud hiss. Out of the glow a massive humanoid shape appeared, a terrifying looking creature with deep red skin and large twisted horns going out of its forehead and curving onto the back of his skull, like goat’s horns. His giant claws looked as if they were meant to slice anything on their path, and the fiery yellow eyes looked at the town, obsessed with the idea of pure destruction. The demonic looking being shook its head up, gazed at the world he landed on, and chuckled.


Those are the same two paragraphs, carrying the same role of introductory part. As I've skimmed the text of this fic it has little of such paragraphs. I think you're fully aware of this, though, and I believe you are/will be able to do it the Grid style should you want to.
I'm not going to write an essay about this, since I know you know it well. So treat this post as an simple "over again" issue. Whether you want to write this or the other way, it's all but your choice, adn no chice here might be wrong, but only more or less profitable.
I'd be able to write more and more after I actually read it all, but I need more time for that (getting through Grid's PPGD fic took me quite long itself). However, seeing people who visit and read this story, I might as well keep my amatourish bullshit to myslef... So I hope you don't mind if I don't post such thoughts here, I guess you get enough feedback from other people, who are actually writers.
...?
Am I addicted to writing such stuff or what?
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Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:04 pm

No no, you may keep reading and keep critiquing! A word of warning though...read the first nine or twelve chapters on my DA account. PLEASE! Why do I stress this? A long while ago as I wrote this I had no idea what I wanted Shad to be. Therefore, things you may spot in either chapters ten or eleven will most likely contradict what you'll read in Dual Minds Think Alike. I nullified such contradictions as I posted those chapters on DA.

Nevertheless, I thank you for taking the time, though as you say, two chapters isn't really that much. I haven't continued in some time after Dual Minds Think Alike because...well, half because I'm at a standstill (i.e. I may or may have not made a bunch of asinine decisions towards the end but feel free to be judge of that when you get there) and half because I must slate EVERYTHING before I finally FINISH this. Don't get me wrong, I'm still writing. I just don't post my latest works here for.................content reasons.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
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Postby Q.U. » Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:54 pm

Why thank you, I'll go with your advice about the DA.

And about the story, I deem something like that a normal way of writing. It's logical that one cannot write something coherent without evaluating it first. And yes, first think throughoutly of the upcomming chapters and the ending, then write it down. This will help you prevent the story from creating contradictions, I think.
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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%

Postby Q.U. » Sun May 04, 2008 7:09 am

Ok, I might as well bump the thread at this point.

Just a short question, due to my growing confusion. I've read both parts of this PPGD continuation (I think I have), if I get that part right it ended up with Barasia and her "friends" about to "abduct" the heartless Shad (add to this the flashback with the Grim Reaper). Regardless, I'm going to elucidate on this once you tell me something about the second story as well. It's sort of mixed, and due to similar characters in both the PPGD continuation and your original story makes me skim the text just checking who's taking part in it. For certain reasons I'm not currently willing to jump on into this original story of yours, exams come first. So if I deem right, I'm done reading the 2 parts of the trilogy, whilst the 3rd part hasn't showed up yet. I'll be looking forward to it, and after I have more time I think I'll take up this new original creation of yours. Putting my reading plans aside, comes the conclusion... or conclusions. (In conclusions I'm referring to the PPGD continuation only)

1. As I'd said before, I wasn't expecting for this story to show the regular story pattern. Hence I said I'd be focusing on the plot and character development.

2. Plot: Most certainly brilliant ideas, often very secretive conversation, and also breathtaking turns of action. What to say more, I think in this field you're flawless. The ideas and level of complexity of the story-line makes one keep reading, and I'm sure it'll get even better (if that's possible) with each and every instalment you create.

3. Characters: Sometimes not fully described, thus leaving an aura of mystery. You don't use behavioural narration, which I think might have made some scenes easier to control, yet, it's your choice. Still, the way of reforming Bunny, the CreamPuffs, and Shad are very well guided by your hand. I have no significant flaws to point out in this field either.

4. Author's comments and references: Well, since it's a fan fic, and a tribute references are most welcome here. I see your inspired quite a lot by Tales of Symphonia (did I spell correct?). Elements such as "Duh!" and other alike, make the authors work in the text visible. It's your choice to add them or not, they make you seem more emotional towards the story. Unlike Grid's fic, where you get non of it. Sure it makes a regular story look less professional in some regards, but a fan fic it suits just fine. I guess you're fields of interest lap mine only to some extent, and I've been able to easily note only about half of the references, so lame me ^^. Still, everything is in order in this field as well.

5. Descriptions/poetic elements/Lexus and language: Well, as for the start of the fic, I thought it was just as it came. However, as I progressed further into the story, it made me ponder. The choice of the format (here being script-like) is indubitable yours, but my assumptions that you did it because you were unsure if you can handle the regular format were proven false. You do have all the necessary tools, language skills and abilities to write it in the regular story type (which is quite what I've found in the pieces of your original work I went through). I'd say "so you can do it if you want" but it wasn't implemented in the PPGD at first. As the chapters went on there was a significant shift and change in this tendency, as someone had already pointed out with a fake Bubbles-Cuppy conversation. Should I say you're evolving? Don't know, I think you know better.

6. Development: Most impressive indeed. Although there are minor mistakes. Leaving out typos or making half of the text pink/in italics, there are just few elements of doubtful coherence or such. This level of writing leaves me without a clue on how you will progress further, but I can say for sure that it was inspiring and worth reading. Too bad for me I've missed it the time it was being written, but I'd probably spam you with assumptions and predictions, so it might have been better this way. Thought, I guess that's what makes this thread fall to the further pages... there's no ongoing discussion like the one in Grid's thread.

7. Last point: I liked the variety of sources of the characters that appeared. Some of those have made it look like this story was likely to reside in the common universe of most of local PPGD's fan fictions.

So as of right now hiatus... I've got this thread pinned together with some others "to be checked" so I guess I'll pay a visit in the future.

Note to SSoM's fans: No this is nit a new instalment of the story (although it might seem similar in length). Sorry if it's a dismay for you.

Oh and on a side note. I'm giving such an elaboration here although nobody else did so (unless it came in the for of a PM to the author). By no means should you treat me as any type of specialist in this field. It's just an amateur's comment, nothing more... as the signature says: "Smarty talk!"
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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%)

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Wed May 06, 2009 9:43 pm

Holy crap! Don't ask why but for some reason I didn't even SEE my thread! Clearly you bumped it very recently with satisfying critique yet its not even on page TWO, or page one for that matter....oh. Well silly me. The post date says 2009! Thought that was an eight there.

1. As I'd said before, I wasn't expecting for this story to show the regular story pattern. Hence I said I'd be focusing on the plot and character development.


Anyway, define regular story pattern. Surely not the script format, because truth be told, I abandoned that style quite a while ago. I'm starting to adapt back into the traditional form of writing. Though looking at it now, I can probably make that format look more lively at the level I'm at now...assuming I've grown at all.

2. Plot: Most certainly brilliant ideas, often very secretive conversation, and also breathtaking turns of action. What to say more, I think in this field you're flawless. The ideas and level of complexity of the story-line makes one keep reading, and I'm sure it'll get even better (if that's possible) with each and every installment you create.


Eh? If by secretive you mean blatantly obvious to the reader that something more is going on, then yes. I pulled that off well, if not outright overused it! And action...okay okay, I'll admit I managed to pull THAT off properly. I think. You seem to think so. As for the complexity, its true that's exactly what I was going for and I'm glad it maintained the readers. Unfortunately, I bit off more then I thought I could chew at the end with dragging pulling Sage and Kage in. And the foreshadowing...bleh, reading it now I felt as if I were pulling it off with the same subtlety as smacking the readers with various brands of bricks. If there are any brands at all. What's that? The monstrous shadow is "short" and Shad never appears in the visionbursts that come from HIS mind? And Dimitri kept saying every other frequent chapter that Shad's memories can't come back? Gee, what could THAT mean?!

3. Characters: Sometimes not fully described, thus leaving an aura of mystery. You don't use behavioural narration, which I think might have made some scenes easier to control, yet, it's your choice. Still, the way of reforming Bunny, the CreamPuffs, and Shad are very well guided by your hand. I have no significant flaws to point out in this field either.


Eh, for the record the only ones I didn't describe are those that explicitly appeared in PPGD itself. One advantage Griddles' fic has over mine is that when it comes to describing folks, it assumes that the reader never even saw PPGD...which I thought was odd since the chances of any reader skimming through his own trilogy that hasn't even heard of PPGD were very low indeed. As for me, the narration itself breaks the fourth wall in the form of such beautiful comments as "BLAH, who cares?! You know what she looks like!" and "no more! You've seen PPGD, haven't you?" Not sure what you mean by behavioral narration. As for reforming Bunny, I felt my only real flaw (failing biology forever not withstanding) was the shoddy explanation as to why Bubbles almost unwittingly botched her sister's revival. Almost as if I was just padding for more time. For fuck's sake I didn't even foreshadow it! Or maybe that's for the best...

4. Author's comments and references: Well, since it's a fan fic, and a tribute references are most welcome here. I see your inspired quite a lot by Tales of Symphonia (did I spell correct?). Elements such as "Duh!" and other alike, make the authors work in the text visible. It's your choice to add them or not, they make you seem more emotional towards the story. Unlike Grid's fic, where you get non of it. Sure it makes a regular story look less professional in some regards, but a fan fic it suits just fine. I guess you're fields of interest lap mine only to some extent, and I've been able to easily note only about half of the references, so lame me ^^. Still, everything is in order in this field as well.


Damn right it looks less professional! Then again, this was a long while ago and I damn near got full of myself so I can see why I did those things. As I said before, I had a habit of skirting the fourth wall. As for Tales of Symphonia...wow. I knew I whored out its cosmology but hey, god forbid I don't use almost half the spell list from the game/series! :P Thankfully, I was a HUGE fan of that game at the time so I managed to get that spot-on, if anything else.

The same goes for Xiaolin Showdown. God forbid I attempt to write on those characters again since I hardly remember their exact personalities now! Hell, in the long run they were just an overexaborate excuse to bring Breannin into the story because fuck knew I was trying to figure out ways to get her in without resorting to wires, cables, and Asimov's fables (see below on why that is) As for the Monks, how did I do well with them in the first place? Obviously because I was enamored with the show! That, and I felt that Matt's fic was missing the PPGD spirit at the time due to a severe lack of at least one new crossover. Then again, much of it was centered around Bell (I'll get to her shortly) and with the Helix saga kicking in, there'll be more characters from various franchises to (slaughter mercilessly) make great use of.

Oh yeah, if Shad turning into a Heartless was any indication, I became absorbed into Kingdom Hearts II for extensive periods of time and was tempted to use THAT series' cosmology instead, except that Shad would be the only Heartless and, had I continued this fanfic, the only Nobody as well. And no Keyblades.

There would, however, be Drive Forms for the Powerpuff Girls based directly off of the powers featured in PPGZ. Reading all this is probably starting to become clear to you as to why I haven't even bothered getting back to this. o.O :roll: I'm actually embarrassed by my own ideas. Go figure!

5. Descriptions/poetic elements/Lexus and language: Well, as for the start of the fic, I thought it was just as it came. However, as I progressed further into the story, it made me ponder. The choice of the format (here being script-like) is indubitable yours, but my assumptions that you did it because you were unsure if you can handle the regular format were proven false. You do have all the necessary tools, language skills and abilities to write it in the regular story type (which is quite what I've found in the pieces of your original work I went through). I'd say "so you can do it if you want" but it wasn't implemented in the PPGD at first. As the chapters went on there was a significant shift and change in this tendency, as someone had already pointed out with a fake Bubbles-Cuppy conversation. Should I say you're evolving? Don't know, I think you know better.


(Whoa! That original fic there? WHOLE OTHER kettle of fish, let me tell you that now!!)

As stated above, I no longer do script format. If anything, I did it because I was lazy or afraid of repeating "said, replied. etc" more then anything else. The stuff I write (but adamantly refuse to post here fore reasons I wish not to even hint at) are in the traditional format. Furthermore, PPGD isn't quite my first fanfic. My Super Smash Bros. Melee fanfic, written far back into my junior high years, was made in the traditional format. Needless to say, it sucks so much that I won't even bother PMing it to you. Not that I could since its trapped forever in a busted floppy disc that freezes every PC it gets shoved into. I ripped off...many many things.

Oh yeah, speaking of ripoffs, I did it again near the end of Dual Minds Think Alike! That scene between Shad and Bell when the latter finds out that the former's soul is basically fading away? 94% of the dialogue (this includes the cocoa) was DIRECTLY RIPPED from a nearly identical scene in Tales of Symphonia! So taking that into account, I can safely assume that I surgically copy and pasted various scenarios and concepts from Final Fantasy VI, Digimon Frontier, Yu-Gi-Oh, and few others to be used in my old Melee fic...never minding the fact that due to the crossoverish nature of the game I based it on I screwed over the personalities of characters I never even heard of (Marth anyone? Roy perhaps? What about Ness?!), but could've easily done some research on. But I was young...and very very stupid and full of myself.

Oh, were you still talking about the PPGD fanfic? Hold on, hold on.

6. Development: Most impressive indeed. Although there are minor mistakes. Leaving out typos or making half of the text pink/in italics, there are just few elements of doubtful coherence or such. This level of writing leaves me without a clue on how you will progress further, but I can say for sure that it was inspiring and worth reading. Too bad for me I've missed it the time it was being written, but I'd probably spam you with assumptions and predictions, so it might have been better this way. Thought, I guess that's what makes this thread fall to the further pages... there's no ongoing discussion like the one in Grid's thread.


Oh dear god... :brickwall: The various typos and accidental overdose of italics? Funny story. I was disgustingly OCD back then and I didn't have Word back then, so I settled on using my own brain and typed all my chapters directly into the post box. This was even done on the high school computers (I DID start this in my sophmore or junior year, I believe), which had Word. That's right. I NEVER EVER USED MICROSOFT WORD FOR ANY OF THE CHAPTERS!! That's just the tip of the iceberg of STUPIDITY!

More? Lesse...I was on strenuous curfews back then when I lacked a laptop of my own so I found myself getting yelled at if I'm caught typing up the next chapter past midnight. Instead of simply saving what I had to a Notepad or something, about 1/4 of the time I hastily wrapped up a chapter and hit Submit. Why I never bothered to take my time, I'll never know. This is most obvious is the chapter where Shad tried teaching the Creampuffs to bathe. It was originally supposed to end with what would have be the start of a (canned) running gag of Bop poking fun at his alleged femininity (though I somewhat managed to salvage that in one of the Global Defenders chapters).

As for coherency, I now see it too. If I ever had the time and desire, I'd probably rewrite the chapters with the more glaring issues (read: ALL OF THEM!!) into the traditional format. But right now, I'm occupied with both college work and heavy brainstorming on my original fic. That reminds me, THOSE chapters need massive overhauls. And not just in the format department either...


Okay, I said I needed something to say about Bell, so here goes: I was valiantly opposed to the whole "Bell is a gynoid theory" because Puffs MUST BE MADE WITH CHEMICAL X! Says who? Look down a bit...

Unwritten Rules

There are some things that you should almost always conform to when writing your fanfic. Some of these were covered in the character descriptions above. However, there are a bunch more you need to know:


Any character created from chemical x (or something similar...oh like...crap!) must have a single name that begins with the letter 'B'. Girls have feminine cute names (Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Bunny, etc.) and boys have tough names (Brick, Boomer, Butch, etc.).


That comes from a Powerpuff Fanfic Guide that helped me TONS with the first part of this trilogy, since it had more of a PPG vibe (though soon I started writing it as an excuse to move to PPGD, so I guess it works as one big prologue). Clearly I was a strong believer in it. So strong, that I made Bell a "pot-born" Powerpuff, a "perfect combination" if you will, with all the ingredients the original Powerpuff Girls are composed of, with the addition of a white lilac and Cruxis Crystal.

...no, those two words are not grating typos. That was actually going to be a revelation in the supposed third and final part of the fanfic. Don't even bother asking how Cranston got ahold of that before Brisbane did either because I wouldn't dare remember why I even considered it. :brickwall:

So yeah, while I respected Griddles' argument on the Powerpuffs' ultimate enemy being created almost the opposite way they themselves were made, I felt it conflicted with some hypothetical Powerpuff Mythos or something like that. I saw little other reason as to why Bell HAD to be a gynoid in PPGD. Not to mention there isn't a speck of proof of Bell being the least bit mechanical in any of his works save for one prototype sketch. The same one Griddles drew his inspiration from, mind you. That's probably when I decided I can make Bell's origins the same as her enemies' yet still be some sort of endearing character. Sadly, it doesn't top Griddles' portrayal of the albino loli.

Oh, and I kinda went FAR out of my way to make sure her sisters stepped into the story all flesh and blood as well. And by out of my way, I mean pedantic (FUCK YOU, BREE'S A DRAGON!! :P ) to absolutely ludicrous ("Barasia" being Claire's twin sister named Jeri who was a wandering spirit until she jacked said sister's body). Though for the record, Griddles indirectly helped with that. How?

Image

I asked for a pic. He drew it. Nowhere in the description did I mention a tendril on her forehead. I passed it off until somehow I got the crazy idea that either Claire IS Barasia or she had a twin sister who would later take up the name Barasia. Obviously I went with lesser of two stupids...okay, so the second choice is downright better. Head to Griddles' Deviantart gallery and type Jeri in its search engine.

Okay okay, what else...OH! You mentioned that you were confused due to both my fanfic and original fic having been posted on this thread. Blame whoever the fuck thought it was a good idea to put every single last work in a single thread of their own instead of a new thread for each series. At least that's how I read it so its possible I misinterpreted. If so, your confusion is my fault. As I said, original fic. so I'm bound to use some of the characters I already created in addition to Hidden Angels exclusives (read: everyone else who isn't Shad, Claire, and the late Dimitri). To make things simpler, if you see the names Emily or Cindy pop up, you're not reading my fanfic.


So yeah, that's it I guess. There probably won't ever be a third fic due to my steadily increasing focus on my own original fiction. Besides, it was delayed in the first place because I was afraid it'd be too short and thus needed more stuff to pad it out. Like Elfen Lied. Did I mention I had heavy intentions to put Nana in? :P :P

Seriously...
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%)

Postby Q.U. » Thu May 07, 2009 4:42 am

Eh? If by secretive you mean blatantly obvious to the reader that something more is going on, then yes. I pulled that off well, if not outright overused it! And action...okay okay, I'll admit I managed to pull THAT off properly. I think. You seem to think so. As for the complexity, its true that's exactly what I was going for and I'm glad it maintained the readers. Unfortunately, I bit off more then I thought I could chew at the end with dragging pulling Sage and Kage in. And the foreshadowing...bleh, reading it now I felt as if I were pulling it off with the same subtlety as smacking the readers with various brands of bricks. If there are any brands at all. What's that? The monstrous shadow is "short" and Shad never appears in the visionbursts that come from HIS mind? And Dimitri kept saying every other frequent chapter that Shad's memories can't come back? Gee, what could THAT mean?!

I meant that in the context of your work right here. It is obvious to some extent, but then this is the "level" it's supposed to be. You're not writing a story like (for lack of a better reference) Death Note, where there is more of thinking and predicting than in most other stories. Neither are you writing a story like Book of the Dead, where only at the very end the reader smacks himself on the head finally realising and being given enough information to put this whole complex story together, which in the end doesn't seem so complex anyway. You're making a story that is "lighter" to read, and hence as I said you're right on the mark with the secrecy etc.

Damn right it looks less professional! Then again, this was a long while ago and I damn near got full of myself so I can see why I did those things. As I said before, I had a habit of skirting the fourth wall.

You're not writing a book here, only fanfiction. In this case all that is allowed.

So yeah, that's it I guess. There probably won't ever be a third fic due to my steadily increasing focus on my own original fiction. Besides, it was delayed in the first place because I was afraid it'd be too short and thus needed more stuff to pad it out. Like Elfen Lied. Did I mention I had heavy intentions to put Nana in?

You mean you already have some of it down? If so, how much?

Anyway, to wrap it up I couldn't spot most of the copying of dialogue from other stories, not if I haven't read them. Nonetheless, my advice back then (one year ago...) was done to you for what you could do back then. Obviously I know most of that story would basically look like you were high on sugar, but believe it or not, this is the original style of PPG. That's why your fic continues the same style as the original show where the characters (PPGs) fit the best into, unlike in case of Grids where he'd throw them into a drama in which they generally don't fit. Hence Grids had to go to greater lengths to keep up with the needs of the story.

But as you said, it's over now, so case closed.
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Re: SSoM's fic thread. Hidden Angels. Chapter 11 is UP! (70%)

Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Thu May 07, 2009 7:49 am

A pity indeed. Part of me really wants to wrap this up but as I said, my schedule doesn't allow it. At the very least, I reread them just for the heck of it. If you look at the dates you can see that I update far more frequently because...well, as you said. High on sugar. But in the end I only managed to get the first chapter done. Just one. And I was probably exaggerating at the "won't ever" part. I tend to find myself finishing games and reading books I abandoned months ago, so maybe... :?:

Though I'd have to find my "fanfic groove" back first. Continuing it now would show others who still care the large gap between the writing styles and format. If you REALLY want to see how much I've improved...if I've improved, PM me. I'll be glad to send you a little something.
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
Hidden Angels Original, ongoing fiction. (also hiated. Stupid college!)
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