Holy crap! Don't ask why but for some reason I didn't even SEE my thread! Clearly you bumped it very recently with satisfying critique yet its not even on page TWO, or page one for that matter....oh. Well silly me. The post date says 2009! Thought that was an eight there.
1. As I'd said before, I wasn't expecting for this story to show the regular story pattern. Hence I said I'd be focusing on the plot and character development.
Anyway, define regular story pattern. Surely not the script format, because truth be told, I abandoned that style quite a while ago. I'm starting to adapt back into the traditional form of writing. Though looking at it now, I can probably make that format look more lively at the level I'm at now...assuming I've grown at all.
2. Plot: Most certainly brilliant ideas, often very secretive conversation, and also breathtaking turns of action. What to say more, I think in this field you're flawless. The ideas and level of complexity of the story-line makes one keep reading, and I'm sure it'll get even better (if that's possible) with each and every installment you create.
Eh? If by secretive you mean blatantly obvious to the reader that something more is going on, then yes. I pulled that off well, if not outright overused it! And action...okay okay, I'll admit I managed to pull THAT off properly. I think. You seem to think so. As for the complexity, its true that's exactly what I was going for and I'm glad it maintained the readers. Unfortunately, I bit off more then I thought I could chew at the end with dragging
pulling Sage and Kage in. And the foreshadowing...bleh, reading it now I felt as if I were pulling it off with the same subtlety as smacking the readers with various brands of bricks. If there are any brands at all. What's that? The monstrous shadow is "short" and Shad never appears in the visionbursts that come from HIS mind? And Dimitri kept saying every other frequent chapter that Shad's memories can't come back? Gee, what could THAT mean?!
3. Characters: Sometimes not fully described, thus leaving an aura of mystery. You don't use behavioural narration, which I think might have made some scenes easier to control, yet, it's your choice. Still, the way of reforming Bunny, the CreamPuffs, and Shad are very well guided by your hand. I have no significant flaws to point out in this field either.
Eh, for the record the only ones I didn't describe are those that explicitly appeared in PPGD itself. One advantage Griddles' fic has over mine is that when it comes to describing folks, it assumes that the reader never even saw PPGD...which I thought was odd since the chances of any reader skimming through his own trilogy that hasn't even heard of PPGD were very low indeed. As for me, the narration itself breaks the fourth wall in the form of such beautiful comments as "BLAH, who cares?! You know what she looks like!" and "no more! You've seen PPGD, haven't you?" Not sure what you mean by behavioral narration. As for reforming Bunny, I felt my only real flaw (failing biology forever not withstanding
) was the shoddy explanation as to why Bubbles almost unwittingly botched her sister's revival. Almost as if I was just padding for more time. For fuck's sake I didn't even foreshadow it! Or maybe that's for the best...
4. Author's comments and references: Well, since it's a fan fic, and a tribute references are most welcome here. I see your inspired quite a lot by Tales of Symphonia (did I spell correct?). Elements such as "Duh!" and other alike, make the authors work in the text visible. It's your choice to add them or not, they make you seem more emotional towards the story. Unlike Grid's fic, where you get non of it. Sure it makes a regular story look less professional in some regards, but a fan fic it suits just fine. I guess you're fields of interest lap mine only to some extent, and I've been able to easily note only about half of the references, so lame me ^^. Still, everything is in order in this field as well.
Damn right it looks less professional! Then again, this was a long while ago and I damn near got full of myself so I can see why I did those things. As I said before, I had a habit of skirting the fourth wall. As for Tales of Symphonia...wow. I knew I whored out its cosmology but hey, god forbid I don't use almost half the spell list from the game/series!
Thankfully, I was a HUGE fan of that game at the time so I managed to get that spot-on, if anything else.
The same goes for Xiaolin Showdown. God forbid I attempt to write on those characters again since I hardly remember their exact personalities now! Hell, in the long run they were just an overexaborate excuse to bring Breannin into the story because fuck knew I was trying to figure out ways to get her in without resorting to wires, cables, and Asimov's fables (see below on why that is) As for the Monks, how did I do well with them in the first place? Obviously because I was enamored with the show! That, and I felt that Matt's fic was missing the PPGD spirit at the time due to a severe lack of at least one new crossover. Then again, much of it was centered around Bell (I'll get to her shortly) and with the Helix saga kicking in, there'll be more characters from various franchises to (slaughter mercilessly)
make great use of.
Oh yeah, if Shad turning into a Heartless was any indication, I became absorbed into Kingdom Hearts II for extensive periods of time and was tempted to use THAT series' cosmology instead, except that Shad would be the only Heartless and, had I continued this fanfic, the only Nobody as well. And no Keyblades.
There would, however, be Drive Forms for the Powerpuff Girls based directly off of the powers featured in PPGZ. Reading all this is probably starting to become clear to you as to why I haven't even bothered getting back to this.
I'm actually embarrassed by my own ideas. Go figure!
5. Descriptions/poetic elements/Lexus and language: Well, as for the start of the fic, I thought it was just as it came. However, as I progressed further into the story, it made me ponder. The choice of the format (here being script-like) is indubitable yours, but my assumptions that you did it because you were unsure if you can handle the regular format were proven false. You do have all the necessary tools, language skills and abilities to write it in the regular story type (which is quite what I've found in the pieces of your original work I went through). I'd say "so you can do it if you want" but it wasn't implemented in the PPGD at first. As the chapters went on there was a significant shift and change in this tendency, as someone had already pointed out with a fake Bubbles-Cuppy conversation. Should I say you're evolving? Don't know, I think you know better.
(Whoa! That original fic there? WHOLE OTHER kettle of fish, let me tell you that now!!)
As stated above, I no longer do script format. If anything, I did it because I was lazy or afraid of repeating "said, replied. etc" more then anything else. The stuff I write (but adamantly refuse to post here fore reasons I wish not to even hint at) are in the traditional format. Furthermore, PPGD isn't quite my first fanfic. My Super Smash Bros. Melee fanfic, written far back into my junior high years, was made in the traditional format. Needless to say, it sucks so much that I won't even bother PMing it to you. Not that I could since its trapped forever in a busted floppy disc that freezes every PC it gets shoved into. I ripped off...many many things.
Oh yeah, speaking of ripoffs, I did it again near the end of Dual Minds Think Alike! That scene between Shad and Bell when the latter finds out that the former's soul is basically fading away? 94% of the dialogue (this includes the cocoa) was DIRECTLY RIPPED from a nearly identical scene in Tales of Symphonia! So taking that into account, I can safely assume that I surgically copy and pasted various scenarios and concepts from Final Fantasy VI, Digimon Frontier, Yu-Gi-Oh, and few others to be used in my old Melee fic...never minding the fact that due to the crossoverish nature of the game I based it on I screwed over the personalities of characters I never even heard of (Marth anyone? Roy perhaps? What about Ness?!), but could've easily done some research on. But I was young...and very very stupid and full of myself.
Oh, were you still talking about the PPGD fanfic? Hold on, hold on.
6. Development: Most impressive indeed. Although there are minor mistakes. Leaving out typos or making half of the text pink/in italics, there are just few elements of doubtful coherence or such. This level of writing leaves me without a clue on how you will progress further, but I can say for sure that it was inspiring and worth reading. Too bad for me I've missed it the time it was being written, but I'd probably spam you with assumptions and predictions, so it might have been better this way. Thought, I guess that's what makes this thread fall to the further pages... there's no ongoing discussion like the one in Grid's thread.
Oh dear god...
The various typos and accidental overdose of italics? Funny story. I was disgustingly OCD back then and I didn't have Word back then, so I settled on using my own brain and typed all my chapters directly into the post box. This was even done on the high school computers (I DID start this in my sophmore or junior year, I believe), which had Word. That's right. I NEVER EVER USED MICROSOFT WORD FOR ANY OF THE CHAPTERS!! That's just the tip of the iceberg of STUPIDITY!
More? Lesse...I was on strenuous curfews back then when I lacked a laptop of my own so I found myself getting yelled at if I'm caught typing up the next chapter past midnight. Instead of simply saving what I had to a Notepad or something, about 1/4 of the time I hastily wrapped up a chapter and hit Submit. Why I never bothered to take my time, I'll never know. This is most obvious is the chapter where Shad tried teaching the Creampuffs to bathe. It was originally supposed to end with what would have be the start of a (canned) running gag of Bop poking fun at his alleged femininity (though I somewhat managed to salvage that in one of the Global Defenders chapters).
As for coherency, I now see it too. If I ever had the time and desire, I'd probably rewrite the chapters with the more glaring issues (read: ALL OF THEM!!) into the traditional format. But right now, I'm occupied with both college work and heavy brainstorming on my original fic. That reminds me, THOSE chapters need massive overhauls. And not just in the format department either...
Okay, I said I needed something to say about Bell, so here goes: I was valiantly opposed to the whole "Bell is a gynoid theory" because Puffs MUST BE MADE WITH CHEMICAL X! Says who? Look down a bit...
There are some things that you should almost always conform to when writing your fanfic. Some of these were covered in the character descriptions above. However, there are a bunch more you need to know:
• Any character created from chemical x (or something similar...oh like...crap!) must have a single name that begins with the letter 'B'. Girls have feminine cute names (Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Bunny, etc.) and boys have tough names (Brick, Boomer, Butch, etc.).
That comes from a Powerpuff Fanfic Guide
that helped me TONS with the first part of this trilogy, since it had more of a PPG vibe (though soon I started writing it as an excuse to move to PPGD, so I guess it works as one big prologue). Clearly I was a strong believer in it. So strong, that I made Bell a "pot-born" Powerpuff, a "perfect combination" if you will, with all the ingredients the original Powerpuff Girls are composed of, with the addition of a white lilac and Cruxis Crystal.
...no, those two words are not grating typos. That was actually going to be a revelation in the supposed third and final part of the fanfic. Don't even bother asking how Cranston got ahold of that before Brisbane did either because I wouldn't dare remember why I even considered it.
So yeah, while I respected Griddles' argument on the Powerpuffs' ultimate enemy being created almost the opposite way they themselves were made, I felt it conflicted with some hypothetical Powerpuff Mythos or something like that. I saw little other reason as to why Bell HAD to be a gynoid in PPGD. Not to mention there isn't a speck of proof of Bell being the least bit mechanical in any of his works save for one prototype sketch. The same one Griddles drew his inspiration from, mind you. That's probably when I decided I can make Bell's origins the same as her enemies' yet still be some sort of endearing character. Sadly, it doesn't top Griddles' portrayal of the albino
Oh, and I kinda went FAR out of my way to make sure her sisters stepped into the story all flesh and blood as well. And by out of my way, I mean pedantic (FUCK YOU, BREE'S A DRAGON!!
) to absolutely ludicrous ("Barasia" being Claire's twin sister named Jeri who was a wandering spirit until she jacked said sister's body). Though for the record, Griddles indirectly helped with that. How?
I asked for a pic. He drew it. Nowhere in the description did I mention a tendril on her forehead. I passed it off until somehow I got the crazy idea that either Claire IS Barasia or she had a twin sister who would later take up the name Barasia. Obviously I went with lesser of two stupids...okay, so the second choice is downright better. Head to Griddles' Deviantart gallery and type Jeri in its search engine.
Okay okay, what else...OH! You mentioned that you were confused due to both my fanfic and original fic having been posted on this thread. Blame whoever the fuck thought it was a good idea to put every single last work in a single thread of their own instead of a new thread for each series. At least that's how I read it so its possible I misinterpreted. If so, your confusion is my fault. As I said, original fic. so I'm bound to use some of the characters I already created in addition to Hidden Angels exclusives (read: everyone else who isn't Shad, Claire, and the late Dimitri). To make things simpler, if you see the names Emily or Cindy pop up, you're not reading my fanfic.
So yeah, that's it I guess. There probably won't ever be a third fic due to my steadily increasing focus on my own original fiction. Besides, it was delayed in the first place because I was afraid it'd be too short and thus needed more stuff to pad it out. Like Elfen Lied. Did I mention I had heavy intentions to put Nana in? Seriously...