Griddles' series - Talisman (new thread for it as it starts)

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

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Postby GridsNaranek » Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:34 pm

"Is there a control panel we can use to shut them off?" asked Bubbles, staring at the huge devices as though haunted by them.

Dexter mumbled a few things to himself for a moment. Buttercup took the time to glance around. She saw, glancing to the far wall, a thin strip of transparent barrier between herself and space beyond. Wherever they were right now, it was separated from the vacuum by that wall alone. She wondered how easily it could stand up to a good explosion or two. There was no Earthly glow anymore. The ship must have moved. Buttercup had been in space before and she had the ability to slowly adjust between air and lack of it, but any sudden change between the two and she felt sick. To suddenly lose all the air in this room if something went wrong... she didn't know what would happen. But if push came to shove, at least Buttercup could say that it took a record time aboard a ship like this to find some action.

Bubbles wondered aloud, "Do you think we're actually supposed to be in here? I mean... you don't crawl inside the hood of a car just to drive it... you only do it when you check if something's wrong with the engine..."

"What do you mean?" asked Buttercup, further perplexed at how she could understand Dexter but get completely lost with Bubbles' suggestion. And Bubbles was actually trying to be smart, here!

"Well we run the engine from inside a car, right? What if this is the actual engine, like, uh... under the hood of this ship, and the place where they run it from is in another room nearby!"

Buttercup's mouth spread into a grin, "You ain't such a dumb blonde after all! Dexter, did you get that?"

"Yes I did, and I have another theory to try out as well. One that you can test while you're here, Buttercup. Bubbles, wait out in the corridor for a moment whilst I look for places that might be the control room."

"Okay!" she chirped, spinning on her Mary-Janes and scooting from the room, leaving Buttercup to stand amongst the enormous machinations by herself. She heard Bubbles humming merrily as she went and wondered to herself whether Bubbles was simply too, well, bubbly to worry about the situation she was in, or if she was just trying to distract herself from what was going on. Buttercup approached the central machine, the contrivance looking like a hulking cross between a silo and a newspaper printing press. It was a darker green than the green on her dress. At the opposite end to that which connected to the far wall like a piston to a crankshaft was a slab of console built into the contraption and bolted to the floor like some sort of arcade machine, all sorts of buttons upon it. Buttercup's grin spread as she approached it. Perhaps this was what she needed. Bubbles disappeared from the doorway, heading back down the corridor. Perhaps Dexter was deciding to use different channels for each girl, like how a radio network broadcasted on different frequencies. If it stopped any arguments, then no harm done. She could make no heads or tails of what she saw on the attached engine console, much to her disdain. Words like 'manifold' and 'regulator' and 'capacitor' and 'infusion system' were lost on her. She grit her teeth, not wanting the English language (or words that tried too hard to fit into it) to hold her back. If pressing buttons didn't work, maybe driving her entire fist through it up to the elbow might. She wiggled her fingers for a moment. A short sharp jab would be all she would need to blow this thing straight to-

"Don't touch those controls, Buttercup." Dexter's voice instructed
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Postby Next-Gen. » Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:48 pm

Hey Griddles, guess what. Today we were asked to read a favorite horror story from one of our favorite Professional artist today.

So, after reading Amputation I got a freaking 100% And she personally recommended it to other English teacher's to be read from year to year as for Future education and being so professional. ^_^

Oh, and when she asked for the artist name, I told her to Google Griddles. lol
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Postby GridsNaranek » Wed Oct 31, 2007 11:10 pm

O.O Wow! My stuff... in a school curriculum??
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Re: Griddles' PPGD continuation series: Reunification

Postby Kusang_Manalo » Wed Oct 31, 2007 11:23 pm

Profanity much. How many slangs does Buttercup know? I kinda getting a disturbed feeling about this? Uh...who are Buttercup's friend 'cept for the fan club? How does she know all these? :ogle:

Is Barasia really alone in that ship?
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Postby Next-Gen. » Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:32 am

Griddles wrote:O.O Wow! My stuff... in a school curriculum??


Congratulation's! Maybe you should write a Book now so we can read something Decent other than the donated crap we read everyday.
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Postby Kusang_Manalo » Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:47 am

:shock: OMGIMONFIRE!!!

Hooooly Crap! Griddles! You're a sensation!

*applause*

Wu-hu! You're damn cool, Grid!!!!!!

CONGRATS!!
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Postby GridsNaranek » Thu Nov 01, 2007 3:11 am

Here's something a fan posted after reading one of the more recent chapters. I think she picked a poor example of my work, personally, but I guess that's how it goes. Read and discuss to offer your opinion. This sort of criticism is what I really look for, sometimes.


In life people will like to read your fic and will not. Yes, you are completely entitled to finding out exactly why they do not, but it seems like you are arguing to make sure that they do. I just don't want a moderator to start a fight over a small thing. I guess, I expect you guys to lead the example and avoid drama at all costs?

Anyways, I took a really recent chapter and picked one at random (as I cannot judge without at least reading it, right? And found some errors you might want to fix?) I think this was like Ch. 73 or something.

She had not told them yet. Cold feet. Not in the metaphorical sense, mind you.

The mind you is a bit odd. Is this told from a third person point of view, or between a narrator and a reader? If it's the latter than that is perfectly fine, but if it isn't you shouldn't be talking to a reader that doesn't exist, you know what I mean?

The house heater had been left off all day because the Professor, in the mad rush he had been in this morning, forgot to turn it on after the girls had gone about their business today and he left the house to attend his lecturer's meeting at Megaville University.

Seems borderline run-on. The house heater had been left off all day. The Professor, in a mad rush he had been in this morning to attend his lecturer's meeting at Megaville University, forgot to turn it on. The girls had gone about their business and hadn't noticed.

I guess it seems like I can breathe if it was broken up a bit.

. He was a man of broad sciences, ranging from that of the body to that of nature to that of robotics and the theoretical but mathematics was a different field entirely which just HAPPENED to have one or two things in common with science.

This has great potential to be artistic. The power of dashes can do wonders, sometimes they can be more powerful than commas.

He was a master of broad sciences -- from anatomical to robotics to even theoretical -- but mathematics was a different field entirely. It's only coincidence that it manages to have anything in common with science.

The snarky tone is very, very nice, but again makes the sentence seem very stretched and extreme. 'Man' makes him seem more down to earth, but also makes him seem like he is just a typical 'man', not that good in science.

Bubbles had been invited to the city with Mandy Tyler and Gaz Membrane and she had bought home a strange, gothic-looking outfit that Gaz had bought her with the excess of birthday money that she would normally use on her games.

I think the excess of birthday money that she would normally use on her games could be separated, again. Right now it just seems a bit long-winded. As if you're trying to combine two subjects that aren't really fitting. Perhaps a semicolon? I don't know, I hate those things.

Hate, and love.

But to Bell, food was fascination.

OHMYGOD this had so much potential. I would have loved an artistic tangent about how food was an art to Bell. Perhaps, even, maybe a flashback or something. It's as if right now your story has reached a very monotonous tone. You are only writing to finish the story, not to be artistic. It's more of a screenplay than an actual story.

Anyways, I guess that's my one constructive criticism about your story. Just redouble check grammar errors, and be artistic with it. At least, a little bit.

There is so much potential, but right now, despite the amount of adjectives and adverbs alike -- you could do so much better. It's as if it's a storyboard for a TV show. You are short and concise, and state each things with a very robotic tone. I guess, after 73 chapters I would probably be bored, and only read to finish the story.

Well, it really wasn't made to insult you, so I hope you do not take it as that. I believe that the story has a lot of potential (from the 2 paragraphs I read), but unfortunately PPG fanfiction is just not my cup of tea, if you know what I mean?
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Re: Griddles' PPGD continuation series: Reunification

Postby Kusang_Manalo » Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:18 am

What the F***en SH*T?! The hell's he talking about? Monotonous? Not artistic? What crap is that guy trying to pull. I don't get it? What's he trying to prove? :unsure:
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Postby J-Dude » Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:34 am

@New update: Bubbles is in another room, Buttercup's alone in the room with giant volitally explosive engines and an itchy trigger finger, not to mention a glass window leading to the void...

Unless there's a mad axe-murderer waiting out in the hall for Bubbles...

Buttercup = x_x

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next-Gen: Wow, no kidding? That's kickass!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@Critique: Who did this again? Well, I can admit this person seems to have a good point or two, but really I've been too excited just to see what happens to concern myself with run-on-sentences. But really Grid', if you really ARE rushing, it's only going to be because you're over the Moon about getting to the juicy parts of the story that you so want to blow us away with. Final battles and story climaxes and such are some of the best things to write, from my rememberance of fic writing.
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Postby Next-Gen. » Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:38 am

Now now. Just because someone has some overly critical opinion on something doesn't mean he knows everything.

Fact is, you can't judge a book by it's cover, which is exactly what this person is doing (and a little poorly at that). He clearly states we only read because we Have too to finish the story, but he clearly hasn't read our past comments on how much we love it and what effort we support for it.

He also states he wants to hear in depth detail at one point, but not enough at another, then wants to make more Logic out of an other wise Illogical sense in the story's. Yes, Adriac does study in many fields of Science, but he also did in the show. Cutting away parts and resculpting them just to make them logical has no help in making the story more interesting and easier to read and write than it already has.

Plus, if he hasn't even read parts that do involve Detail, he should have just read the Whole Story. Which is kind of the point. Real point in case is, you need to judge something by what you know in Full, or else then your just a half assed critic who nobody really cares about.

Oh, and as for a matter of Grammer. Might I remind everyone, it's a Story. Every great story being so long in length has Got to have grammer issue's and slightmispellings at some point. Really, people just stoped complining about this a long time ago (people with lives), when they realized it was so natural.
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Postby GridsNaranek » Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:44 am

It's a she, actually. She posted in the latest SB page thread.
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Re: Griddles' PPGD continuation series: Reunification

Postby Kusang_Manalo » Thu Nov 01, 2007 8:09 am

I'm with Next Gen. Yeah, her criticism is...well, insufficien to her complaints. She might as well read the whole thing before she even wrote this one... Like she just posted, she read a chapter at random That's really..uh..I should I say this...unfair? Nah. Make that stupid. People should keep less attention to grammar and more on the flow.
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Re: Griddles' PPGD continuation series: Reunification

Postby BlueNex0s » Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:13 pm

Grammar. Every writers' worst enemy. Though grammar must be observed, this girl was asking too much. And detail? If she wants detail, she should read the previous chapters from top to bottom if she would like to see 'detail'. She ignored the fact that some detail were already written in previous chapters so what she about less detail in a chapter was a raise of an eyebrow in the long run. It's like saying I've understood the whole of Harry Potter by just reading "Half Blood Prince". This seems farfetch, isn't it? There are important that layed in some of the books. Too understand, the next book, you have to have read the previous ones. Same goes with Grid's Continuation chapters.

Tell I'm wrong. :unsure:
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Postby GridsNaranek » Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:46 am

Buttercup huffed and unclenched her fist, letting it drop to her side, "Then WHAT!?"

"Alright, here's an idea." Dexter told her, staying as calm as he could and reminding himself of the many many miles between himself and the enraged little girl. "You see those smaller pipelines joining onto the engines from above?"

"Dex, those things are enormous. I saw them the moment I walked in." Buttercup growled.

"Okay, okay... uh... toward the point at which it curves onto the horizontal, there should be a sort of valve or tap screw, like on a hydrant. Can you see it?"

Buttercup followed the smaller pipeline. Sure enough, just as Dexter had said there was a small circular metal tap, complete with directions on how to turn it open and closed. This ship was from the future, yes, but this engine room was not nearly as flashy as she had hoped for. Everything here was so rudimentary and bare-bones gritty. She wondered if this place was prone to fires. The chugging from within the three power plants as each motor did whatever it was supposed to do inside was beginning to get on her nerves. Was that it? A shut off gauge? "Yah, I see it."

"Good."

"You want me to turn it?" Buttercup asked the obvious, but then again, with Dexter there was nothing obvious. For all she knew, he wanted her to suck it like a lollipop.

Fortunately they were thinking the same thing, "That thing connects directly to the coolant inlet manifold. If you can turn those off, it MIGHT force the engines to shut down so they don't overheat. So yes, you gotta turn it."

Buttercup was disappointed at that, "You want me to just shut it off? Is that it??"

"What did you expect?"

Buttercup chuckled, "If you wanna choke the supply, you gotta bleed it dry! Here, watch!" She sprung up to the valve and grabbed it with both hands. No need to turn. She barely heard Dexter's cry of protest. With a twisted grin of malicious delight, she wrenched the implement toward her. Seconds later, accompanied by the sharp sound of splitting metal, the object came loose. Buttercup's momentum flung her backward as a loud hissing began to drown out the steady humming of the engines. Steadying herself to avoid slamming into the floor, Buttercup regained her balance and dropped the chunk of metal, valve still attached, that she had wrenched off with her own bare hands, her grin still affixed on her face as she saw what now was happening. The metal piping was torn open as though having been pierced by an anti-armour tank shell. Gushing forth were torrents of what looked like dry ice vapour, but with an azure tinge that gave it the appearance of sky-blue ice clouds. This must have been the coolant that Dexter mentioned, whatever coolant was. Didn't sound as dangerous or as cool as plasma so she had simply torn the pipe's casing open to let it free. It fell to the floor, denser than air, and started dissipating after flowing a short way. Buttercup grinned. She felt smart now. "See Dex? To hell with turning taps, just let the whole thing drain."

But Dexter's reply was one she did not expect. She expected either him to reluctantly praise her, or yell his four-eyed ass off at her. But instead, his hushed response seemed choked and laboured, "Buttercup... you stupid girl..."
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Postby Next-Gen. » Fri Nov 02, 2007 2:15 am

...Yeah, leave the overactive punching machine to do a simple job.

Now who's "stupid" in this situation?
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Postby J-Dude » Fri Nov 02, 2007 2:53 am

Oh God...she doesn't even know what coolant does...Meaning those engines are gonna overheat and quite possibly blow, especially with such a drastic and sudden change in temperature. She could run for it, but who wants to bet the ship detects this danger and decides to seal-off the room with blast doors to contain the situation?

Poor foolish Buttercup...will this be her own end, or will she have to live with the agony of having recklessly caused the death of one of her sisters?

She was entrusted to a delicate situation and took to it with all the subtlety of a train wreck...Imagine her somehow getting a doctor's license...Dr. Kavorkian would need a new nickname...
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Re: Griddles' PPGD continuation series: Reunification

Postby Kusang_Manalo » Fri Nov 02, 2007 2:56 am

Oh, Buttercup, you jack-azz. lol
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Postby Shadowed State of Mind » Fri Nov 02, 2007 8:14 am

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand thus, the death toll begins. Yes, I predict that in the next three updates at the least...one of them will die. I have a rather aching feeling on who. I swear if Bubbles kicks it...
The Life and Times of Shad Staydamind PPG fic; finished. part 1/3
Dual Minds Think Alike PPGD fic, part 2/3; finished (trilogy is on an indefinite hiatus)
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Postby GridsNaranek » Fri Nov 02, 2007 8:30 am

You'll do what?
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Postby Kusang_Manalo » Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:52 pm

Hey, Grid! Found your spanish version of "The Perfect Little Girl". It's nice! It's cool! It's... I can't understand a word of it lol. The clue I got from that was 'Perfecta'. Hope Ovisniger can do magic with it ^_^.
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Postby Seiryuga » Fri Nov 02, 2007 8:17 pm

panteosa!
copyrights are a bitch ain't it?
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Postby GridsNaranek » Fri Nov 02, 2007 10:30 pm

Before she could question what prompted such a response, she heard a loud, wailing alarm echo through the huge engineering bay; one that sent a shiver down her spine. Red lights started flashing, on the roof, on the walls and above the door she had entered through. An androgynous voice squawked robotically, "Coolant leak! Coolant leak! Isolating housing bay! All personnel evacuate!" Buttercup gulped. More of the light-blue cloud spewed from the torn piping. What had she done? What had been so terrible? Not one to question something so serious-sounding, she spun and shot toward the door as the computer began to speak again, "All rostered personnel accounted for. Sealing housing bay!"

"NO!" screamed Buttercup, but she was too late. The solid metal door slammed itself down, trapping her inside. The red lights still spun. "WHAT THE HELL!? LEMME OUT!" she yelled, to nobody in particular. Dexter, the computer, anyone. She pounded her fist upon the door but the metal didn't even dint. Her hand felt a searing shock of pain rush through it, and no doubt it would soon bruise. Gritting her teeth, she took a few steps backward. No metal, present or future-made, would keep her back. Crouching slightly like a quarterback in their three-point stance, she charged forward, streaking the beryl dazzle behind her like a vapour trail. Scrunching her eyes shut, she slammed herself shoulder-first into the solid metal door, expecting it to give way to her momentum as so many objects, barriers and giant monster guts had done in the past. But when she heard the sickening thud, felt her speed disappear in an instant and hissed at the second jolt of pain, this one engulfing her whole left side, she stumbled away from the door, knowing it had her beat. The alarms still rang and the coolant still wafted out of its cozy pipeline home. She gasped a little, the stabbing pains coming regularly. Bringing her hand to her shoulder, she was glad to find that she hadn't broken anything. Hitting the door headfirst would have possibly killed her. That stuff was DENSE! Denser than Bubbles! She breathed through clenched teeth, eyes narrowing. Her actions had trapped her inside now, with nothing but the three huge engines as company and a wailing klaxon for ambiance. She wondered if Dexter had any bright ideas.

But he quickly confirmed that he did not, "What the hell have you done!?"

Buttercup, still groaning, mumbled in reluctant confession, "I just fucked myself..."

"Now Barasia's gonna know what you're up to!" he yelled, both outraged and horrified. If he was there in person, then she didn't know what he'd do. But she wouldn't have liked it.

"I'm sorry..."

"SORRY!?" Dexter screamed, "You've just alerted her to where you are, and now you're stuck! She'll come right to you, and you have NOWHERE to run!"

Buttercup was wincing, "Go ahead, rub it in... bet you've been waiting for that for a while."

"YES, actually!" he sounded rushed, "Dammit, there's gotta be something I can do..."

Buttercup glanced over her shoulder, still breathing heavily. Those engines stood there, the means of Barasia's movement in this enormous vessel of apparent mass destruction. She was trapped in here with them, and they could still run. Her goal was to take them out. To do so would stop Barasia getting to the sun, and in doing so killing billions. And from that, a chain reaction would start, in which more and more stars died and their civilisations with them just to fuel Barasia's insatiable thirst for infinite potential. To stop it here... to stop it from happening in the first place... would save countless trillions from helpless death. She'd be a hero. Buttercup always wanted to be remembered for saving many lives. She'd done it before. But not like this, she hadn't. She could smell the burning sensation of the invisible coolant that vented into the room filling her lungs. That stuff was surely not safe to breathe. Unless by some miracle, Dexter unlocked that door, she was stuck here. Barasia would already know about her presence here, and she'd double and triple check to be sure that Buttercup never got out and suffocated in the own strife she put herself in. No point in sticking around, then. Better to make something of it than wait and choke on this stinging gas that she had released. It burnt her windpipe going down to her lungs, and she coughed. She brought a hand to her mouth. She had to be quick. Decisive. All she had to do was take out those engines. That was what she was here for. She already threw caution to the wind and had it blow back into her face, so she mightas well press on. The engines had to be stopped. All at once. They ran off volatile plasma...

And plasma ignites...

"BUTTERCUP!" came a scream both through dense metal and through her comm chip, the latter garbling thanks to the shout's high frequency and sheer volume.

Buttercup looked up again. There, in the slit of thick transparent viewing window far too small for her to squeeze through even if it was broken, was Bubbles' terrified face. Her eyes were so wide that Buttercup thought they were about to fall out. Her cheeks had flushed red, the same red that they became when Bubbles was about to cry. Normally, Buttercup enjoyed making her cry. But this time, she knew she'd regret it. She was consoled by the fact that, at the very least, she wouldn't be in any condition to watch those first tears fall. She walked toward the door where her sister stood upon the other side. She coughed again as she did, knowing it'd take a hell of a lot more of this weird gas to start choking her out, but not much more before it became extremely painful. She flexed the fingers on her other hand. It would be needed shortly. Almost pressing her nose against the window, she stared into Bubbles' eyes, green meeting blue, both sisters eye to eye for the first time in a long while. Bubbles looked like she was trembling, though it might have just been a strange refraction of light through the thick glass-like panel. Bubbles looked scared. She didn't know what was going to happen. Buttercup didn't really want her to see, but she would have to. The evergreen Puff growled to herself. In all this preparation she wanted to desperately get her hands on Barasia and break her tin-foil body to pieces. Now... at least she'd save lives in her own way. "Bubbles..." she muttered, her voice carrying over the comm chip to the girl on the other side.

"Y-Yeah?" Bubbles stuttered. Grief was evident in her voice. Buttercup didn't know why. The bad bit hadn't happened yet.

"Do... do you hate me?"
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Postby J-Dude » Fri Nov 02, 2007 11:44 pm

Oh man...I had a feeling...We're about to have a real touching moment here aren't we? Hopefully she tells Bubbles to start running as far away from that room as possible if Barasia is going to be heading there. I certainly hope Dexter turns on the comm lines so Blossom and Bell don't have to be explained this by him...

Gentlemen...prepare to rake your hats off to a fool...but a damned brave one.
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Re: Griddles' PPGD continuation series: Reunification

Postby Kusang_Manalo » Sat Nov 03, 2007 12:26 am

*face over palm*

No, no, no...crap-- This isn't happening. Of all the scenarios how Buttercup would die, it has to be her own rash thoughts... It has gone worse for her... now what? Crap, I'm hating this.
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"Screw the social dogma of the intended demographic. If the show is for little girls then that makes me a bitch." - PanPizza
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Postby Next-Gen. » Sat Nov 03, 2007 2:59 am

................
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Griddles wrote:I'm a sadistic bastard :P

Word's, spoken from the master.
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