My Fisrt fanfic:Battelgrounds (Edited by Griddles)

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My Fisrt fanfic:Battelgrounds (Edited by Griddles)

Postby Vulcan » Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:55 pm

Well this is my first ever fan-fic ever made, edited by Griddles but the story is mine so here ya go:


The First Encounter

It was a normal day like, much like every other day. Meadville was quiet and peaceful, which was the norm thanks to the rather special people who lived in the huge city. Yesterday had been normal. Today was normal, too. Well... at least that’s what everyone thought…

Mega Ville Elementary, the largest school in the area, possibly the whole state. Much like the rest of the city, things appeared normal. Sensei and groundskeeper, Jack, wandered around the schoolyard as the children frolicked and played. He loved children and they were a welcome change to the people he had dealt with earlier in his life. Every so often a student would approach him and say hi. Jack would grin, his tall muscular form casting a shadow on most of the younger kids. The first graders were tiny compared to Jack, their little forms almost below Jack's vision when he stared straight. The only one he really had no trouble seeing was Blossom, her large red bow giving her almost a whole extra foot in height. Currently, Blossom was sitting by her favorite tree in the yard, next to her close friend Dexter, reading some sort of comic. Jack squinted, and he read that the comic was entitled 'Tin - The Incompetent Ninja'.

Jack chuckled, just as a flash of light descended from the sky. Jack held out his arm to shield his eyes as the brightness clouded his vision. Almost as soon as it had appeared, it vanished. Jack's sight slowly cleared. He was in a dark landscape, the rocks red with the color of what looked like dry blood. Then he noticed he was not alone. Many people from the school were here too. He saw Bubbles and Buttercup, the latter looking downright furious at having been yanked out of school. Blossom meanwhile was still sitting next to Dexter, comic book between them. He glanced around at some of the other people but had no chance to recognize them as a form took shape in front of the group. It took the shape of a strange man, whose eyes glinted with a hidden motive. His mouth parted and he spoke, “Hello everyone!" his voice was deceptively friendly, "You must be wondering what are you doing here...â€
Last edited by Vulcan on Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Fisrt fanfic:Battelgrounds (Edited by Griddles)

Postby Linkhare » Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:15 pm

I like it...is a little slow...but i like it...i hope to see fights in the next chapter...oh...and you said "normal" like 5 times in the same paragrap ...so keep an eye in that

PD: Tin The Incomptent Ninja XD
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Postby Vulcan » Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:21 pm

Okay i will be updating soon so youll see in the third part the figth will start.
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Postby Cole » Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:09 pm

oh, yay. Thanks to your horrible typing skills, I have to update this
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Postby Spike » Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:16 pm

Darth Cole wrote:oh, yay. Thanks to your horrible typing skills, I have to update this


Aren't you glad I put it in a nice directory? Sooooo easy to find the thread. I've been updating the Art Tutorials one a lot, too :D
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Postby Vulcan » Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:36 pm

Darth Cole wrote:oh, yay. Thanks to your horrible typing skills, I have to update this

What the fuck!!!! have you even read it yet?
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Postby Cole » Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:09 pm

Yes. It's absolute shite. Shite, I say.
viewtopic.php?p=334838#334838
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Postby Vulcan » Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:05 pm

Hello my "FISRT" WTF?!?! what part of my first dont you understand! but oh well its your opinion
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Postby GridsNaranek » Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:21 pm

They're kinda taking it out on me, too, cos I'm editing. It's his first fic, guys, and I can't suddenly change the story.

Be lenient, please.
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Re: My Fisrt fanfic:Battelgrounds (Edited by Griddles)

Postby Rival » Fri Jul 15, 2005 5:37 am

Ouch, it's threads like this one, making me happy that I don't write my fan-fics and stories, in Engllish. :P Oh well, we all know that Cole is our God, and on this Earth we're only his servants trying to please him, and failing everytime. :'(
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Postby Yoshi » Fri Jul 15, 2005 5:42 am

Heh. Funny. This thread I'm referring to.

Hello my "FISRT" WTF?!?! what part of my first dont you understand! but oh well its your opinion


Hate to tell you but just because it's your first fan fic doesn't mean people aren't allowed to classify it as shite. Them the breaks sunshine.
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Postby Vulcan » Wed Jul 20, 2005 3:29 pm

Robin followed the man with a suspicious look. Having been transported to the strange realm and then set upon by this man who seemed to know everything about him and the remainder of his guests, he was feeling very uncomfortable.

“We should do something about thisâ€
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Postby Cole » Wed Jul 20, 2005 11:47 pm

lose that fucking avatar. it's too big. 175 kb is too fucking big. an animated avatar should not be over 35 kb
Last edited by Cole on Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby GridsNaranek » Thu Jul 21, 2005 1:07 am

Does the lack of comments regarding the fic mean you have none? Or are you trying to hype it up a bit? I'm sure the mods will PM 2D about his avatar. Leave it to them to warn him.
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Postby PSI » Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:21 am

So far I've only read a bit, but it is good....

Just keep practicing, 2D, you'll get it....

As well as this is a forum, people are going to critisize your stuff, the more they do, the better you will get....

As for Grids, no problem there, you probably did not see them or when you gave him the edited fic, some things might have changed....
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Postby Vulcan » Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:26 am

OK thanks
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Postby PSI » Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:33 am

Finished reading it....

Good job man, keep it up....
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Postby Vulcan » Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:40 am

Thanks Again.
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Postby Cole » Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:49 am

an 80 kb avatar is NOT an improvement. it's just another reason for me to dislike you. Don't you get it? Some people don't have phat pipes and can't handle downloading a comic sized avatar every time they load a page. php is dynamic. it reloads info every time you visit a page. you're fucking people who have dialup and slow broadband every time they load a page with a post from you. And fucking other forumite does not make us wont to enjoy your work.
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Postby GridsNaranek » Fri Jul 22, 2005 1:04 am

Aaahhh... such constructive comments.

Can we perhaps leave out whining about avatars and focus on the fic here? Geez, make your own thread if you wanna rant.

Also, I have noticed that there is a bit of hypocrisy going on. You have a thread entitled 'Proper ways to write' yet you don't bother to capitalise, edit for grammar or make attempts at politer expletives.

Good to see others are enjoying this and giving POSITIVE feedback. I look forward to seeing how the story unfolds.
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Postby Cole » Fri Jul 22, 2005 1:13 am

that's about as polite as I'm going to get when it takes me over five minutes to load a bloody page. as for not capitalizing in a post, well, really, who bloody cares? I don't jump on people for shit like that unless it's in their actual stories.
When posting, I could care less how you format what you say as long as it can be read and follows at least one or two rules of writing.
But you want me to focus on the fic? Fine. it's still absolute shite. Neither of you have taken one bit of the editing ideas I handed you and tried to make the story look better. So, there you go, I commented on the fic. Abso-bloody-fucking-lutely shite. Not even the good kinda shite you pay a hundred an eighth for but the bad kind you don't notice on your shoes and track onto your white rug.
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Postby PSI » Fri Jul 22, 2005 1:25 am

Wait a sec man....

Don't make this a flame war, the last thing any of us would want is this thread being locked and 2D being denied expressing what could turn out to be an incredible story....

Sure he has some grammar mistakes, ok, point them out, they use them or not and you are on your way, they are not forcing you to like the story, nor like his grammar....

I get it, it gets annoying, at least its not in fucking leet or some other shit....

You are not forced to stay here and read this "shite", you can go if you wish....
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Postby GridsNaranek » Fri Jul 22, 2005 1:35 am

I'm with PSI, you don't have to read this if ya don't want to. Write your own fic for critiqueing.
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Postby Joker-Undead » Tue Jul 26, 2005 3:20 pm

What's going to happen next?
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Postby Vulcan » Tue Jul 26, 2005 5:03 pm

Wait im waiting for my editor.
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