Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

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Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Squeaky91 » Sat Apr 26, 2014 10:19 pm

Set in the world of Snafu Comics we find a story about a young man who is off to stop a plan to unleash Hell itself. Join the proud warrior Kal, grandson of Vegeta, as he fights unknown odds, powerful beast, and much more. Along the way he will be joined by friends, both old and new, and learn to use the great power he houses inside himself. Stay tune at the end of each episode to see notes so that those who don't get the references can have a better understanding of them. The journey will start on Monday the 28th. Hope to see you there.
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Re: Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Birdofterror » Sun Apr 27, 2014 3:56 pm

Seems interesting. I'll see what you got!
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Re: Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Squeaky91 » Mon Apr 28, 2014 8:25 pm

Ep1- The Wheel in the sky

"The night is so still. I love the feeling of the wind before the rain hits. But to truly enjoy it, you have to take off into the sky." A man said, with spiky black hair and dark eyes said. He wore a green jumpsuit, with white boots and gloves, and a dark vest. His monkey like tail was wrapped around his waist like a belt. The man smiled as he flew higher into the air, as the other man yelled and screamed. "Now dont tell me that the great Ace Copular is scared of heights." The man said and stopped after abit. "Look, Kal, what do you want?" Ace asked him. "You know why I am here. You stole something. And SHE wants it back." The man, Kal, said. "Look I dont have it anymore but I can" Thats when Kal let go, letting Ace fall. "Lets see, I need to go pick up some food, but I dont feel like it tonight." He said and kept talking to himself. Meanwhile, Ace kept falling and yelling, but suddenly stopped a few feet above the ground. "Ok Ace, feel like handing it over or would you like to fly again?" Kal asked and Ace quickly reached into his vest and pulled out a small box. "Here just take it and let me go." Ace begged and Kal smiled. "Poor choice of words." Kal said and let go, letting Ace fall the last few feet from the ground. "As always, it was good to see you Ace." Kal smiled and flew off.

Kal landed infront of his home and walked to the door and unlocked it. He opened the door and smiled as he walked in. "Tom, I'm home." He said and a cat walked out of another room and purred as it rubbed on his leg. Kal walked in and placed the box on a table and grabbed a drink. He opened it as he looked at the picture of him and his grandfather, Vegeta, training when he was a kid. He sat down and layed his head back. "Maybe I can get some sleep tonight." He said and closed his eyes. Tom layed out on the couch and went to sleep too. After an hour or so, he got up and went to the bathroom. Why? Bad dream? God he couldn't tell anymore. He splashed some water on his face and looked at the mirror. His eyes were glowing red, fangs in his mouth, and somthing on his forehead. He jumped back and punched the mirror, breaking it, and some of the wall behind it. He took a few deep breaths shaking his head. "Are the dreams getting worse?" Asked a voice and he looked in the other room. "Mandy? How did you get in my house?" He asked. "Don't worry about that. Kal, we need to talk." Mandy said looking at him.

End of Ep1

Notes:
Sorry this ep is short. I was out with some friends last night and have not gotten some sleep. I am hoping to atleast post once a week in this story. So please stick around, it will get longer after I got some sleep. So, here are a few notes, Ace is the leader of the Green Gang from Powerpuff girls, I had always liked that group and wanted them to have a small part in this. Tom the cat is from Tom and Jerry. And last, no this will not be a MandyxKal story, she has a large part in this, but not like that.
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Re: Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Birdofterror » Tue Apr 29, 2014 2:54 am

Not bad for a first draft, but there are some minor issues. Very easily fixable and preventable in the near future.

After characters are done talking, you tend to overuse the word "Said" a lot.
Squeaky91 wrote:A man said, with spiky black hair and dark eyes said.
For example, has the word Said twice in one sentence, making it completely redundant.

Also, and I'm sure this is a result of how short the part is, your story doesn't really do a fantastic job of setting the stage. Half the time I wasn't sure exactly where we were, or what was happening. Try putting a bit more detail into the background instead of just the dialogue.

That's all. See you next week! :P
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Re: Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Tue Apr 29, 2014 3:45 am

I don't know if setting the Dragonball universe in the Bleedman universe would make sense. Especially with how Dragonball has it's own set geography and events that would just hurt people's heads. Better scenario was if they were simply crossed over. But it is your story and if you think that works and that you might have made it work, I don't know, the stories more important than worrying over about admittingly silly things.

So yeah, shorts not too bad and this is okay. Problem is that you don't take your time with it. You have two scenes that could've been flavoured and had fun with a bit more. I strongly disagree with Birdofterror, adding more background would've wasted time on advancing the story, I say that because if you wanted to add in background, you would've, the fact you didn't wasn't important in the story and getting you to add some detail in probably would've made you feel forced, we would've noticed, hurt the story and yeah. What I recommend maybe is add in some more action to make the scene more active and make our characters more expressive. For example, when Ace asked what do you want, was he just standing unamused or was he hunched over ready. You don't have to as that might end up forcing you as well and isn't all that necessary. But fact is that you were rushed here I think and you had no true fun here, when you don't have fun, we the reader pick up on that and we don't have fun either, take your time, don't rush yourself.

What you achieve though is okay, we've established we have this descendant of Vegeta has a relationship for Mandy, but what kind? That makes it interesting. I'm thinking she was the one that sent Kai, so Mandy has either manipulated or is in works for him, either way it's a cool thing as I can imagine Mandy getting someone like the descendant of saiyans working for her and using him for such things. But again the question is the relationship and I'm not bothered if it's ah, you know, that deep a relationship, because as shown in Grim Tales, Mandy's up for that sort of relationship if it gets her what she wants.

Focusing anyways, so besides what's drawn me is Mandy with an apparent henchmen (Well, however Kai views their relationship, I'm pretty certain Mandy would just view him as a henchman), there are some things in here I have to nit pick about the writing.

This one hurt my head
Ace fall the last few feet from the ground.

I think you mean to the ground, unless Kai was levitating him from the ground.

Another thing that irritated me was the lack of paragraphs, when someone begins a speech or someone else speeches, you start a new paragraph. This made it hard for someone like me to realize a new person was talking until I read the speech tag. Also to note that if there's only two characters talking, you don't need that many speech tags anyways as we're pretty aware of whose talking.

Hope that helps anyways and I will be wanting answers to Kai and Mandy's relationship (Don't spoil it, I'm an anti-spoiler freak, you spoil it, I will paint all your dresses green).

P.S. Nice additions with Tom and Ace as well.
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Re: Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Blood Lord » Tue Apr 29, 2014 8:38 pm

Squeaky91 wrote: Vegeta

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwmL1zEBgq8

After TFS, I can't take anything from DBZ serious.
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Re: Brotherhood: Original work: PG13

Postby Squeaky91 » Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:39 am

Ep2 Whats in a Name?/Party Time

Kal looked at Mandy as she stood there. He walked over to the table and grabbed the small box on it and tossed it over to her.
"Are you here for this?" He asked her as he grabbed his drink.
"Somewhat, but I also have another job for you. I also have a payment I think you are really going to want." Mandy said as she opened the box. Inside was a gold framed picture of Grim Jr.
"Do you have any ideal how much trouble I had to deal with in order to get that back?" Kal sat and took a drink. Mandy walked over and sat down as she put the picture away.
"Want a drink?" Kal asked and she shook her head. "You turning down a drink? The only time you have done that was when you were" He stopped, it dawning on him. "Mandy....are you having another kid?"
"I maybe. I'm not sure yet. But that has nothing to do with why I am here." Mandy started.
Kal laughed abit. "Hey, maybe it'll be a little girl. You know, a mini version of you. Mini Mandy." He said, laughing abit as he did.
"That is an awful name. I would never call a child of mine that." Mandy said and shook her head. "Now listen, Grim is having a few people over at the castle. I don't trust most of them. I would like to have someone I can tolerate there."
"Is that Mandy's version of saying, 'Your my friend and I would like it if you would come to my house party and murder anyone I don't like', because if it is I am in." Kal said. "And as for the payment, don't worry about it. It's a party, so I am sure there will be drinks and cigars."
Mandy nodded and stood up. "Very well, and please wear something nice. This are some "important" people as Grim says. But they could also be good allies if the time comes." She starts towards the door. She stops and looks at him. "Also, I heard HIM will be there. Keep an eye on him." She said and Kal nodded. "Then I shall see you there tomorrow night. Until then." She said and he just kinda waved as she left. Kal layed his head back and closed his eyes as Tom climbed onto the couch and curled up next to his master. Kal smiled and petted him as they both fell asleep.

Kal landed in front of Castle Grim. He wore the only tux he owned, and messed with the bowtie around his neck. He walked to the castle as a guard held out a weapon.
"Halt, what is your name and why are you here?" The Guard asked as Kal walked up.
"Shut up Carl." Kal said as he got to the door. He opened it and looked around hearing the sound of the party. He walked to the room as more guards were around the castle, talking and nodding to Kal as he passed. He stopped and looked around at all the people. He hated crowds of people, but Mandy and Grim were some of his oldest friends since he moved to this place. Time to man up and deal with it. He walked into the room and walked up to Mandy and Grim, who was holding Grim Jr.
"Hey guys." Kal said and made faces at Jr, who giggled as he did.
"I know she wont say it, but thanks for coming man." Grim said as he shook Kal's hand. Mandy simply nodded, the closet thing to a "Thank ya" anyone will get out of her.
Kal smiled and took Jr from Grim. "Come on little buddy, lets see if we can find a few cute girls for Uncle Kal shall we?" He smiled walking into the crowd. Kal talked to a few people, but kept his eyes on Him whenever he saw him. He didn't trust that low life. "Why do I get the feeling he is going to be a pain in the neck?" Kal asked Jr, who just looked at him. "Oh well, I am sure it's nothing." He said.
Kal was one of the last people in the castle after the party. Mostly cause Him and Aku were there still. He got an awful taste in his mouth as Him walked over.
"So Kal, Mandy's little merc. What brings you here? I figured you would be off hunting one of Mandy's little boy toys or some other job to try to get out of the, oh whats it called, the friend-zone." Him said and took a drink.
"No, not today. I am surprised that you are here? I had always thought that if you left your home, lighting would hit you or something."
"Was that you trying to be clever with me boy? You are nowhere near half as clever as you think you are."
"But it still makes me twice more clever then you." Kal smiled and got another drink.
"You would think that they way you get paid, you could get a better suit. I mean really, a bowtie?"
"What? Bowties are cool." Kal fixed the one around his neck.
"Fine, whatever you say. I has hoping to hire you for a little job. I can pay ya in"
"No, I won't take it."
"Why not?"
"Mostly cause I hate everything about you. And working for you never ends well for anyone. And because I hate you."
Him just looked at Kal and shook his head. "You know one of these days you will die, and when you do I hope I am the one that kills you."
"I do too, I want to drag you to Hell with me." Kal looked right into Him's eyes. "You know, to make the world a better place and all that crap." He said as Him walked away. Kal walked over to Grim, who was outside drinking.
"Eh man, did you have fun?" Grim asked and Kal stood next to him. "Oh wait, your just like my wife. You don't know what fun is." He said and lit a cigar, puffed on it, and passed it to Kal. Kal took it and puffed a few times and passed it back.
"Grim, how are they doing? Are they still alive I mean?"
"Your brothers? Yes they are. If you worried about them so much why move away?"
"Cause back home I would always be under my grandfathers shadow. If I want to make a name for myself, I need to do it here. A place where few have heard of the "Z-Fighters" and that other crap."
"So you work as a cheap merc?'
"Yep."
They both watched the sky, hearing the sounds of the world around them. Grim took a few more puffs and placed his hand on Kal's shoulder. "You are welcome to stay here tonight if you want. I know your nightmares are getting bad again."
"Thanks, think I'll do that." Kal said. Soon, Grim went to bed as Kal layed out on the couch. But he didn't get much rest. He soon heard sounds in the house. Like someone was sneaking around.


Notes:
We'll I wanted to post a another ep this week since my first one was short. I have read what people have posted on here and all I can say is thank you for the ideals. Not much else in this one, a Doctor Who and GoT reference, but thats about it. Next ep is going to be a battle between Kal and another Merc. A merc with a mouth.
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