(CH3)3CLi: "Raw Surfaces": R: Original: One-shot

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(CH3)3CLi: "Raw Surfaces": R: Original: One-shot

Postby (CH3)3CLi » Wed Mar 12, 2014 5:26 am

I'll just link to some short stories on my FictionPress account. Feel free to be as harsh as you want with criticism. I've already sat through several workshopping sessions in my writing classes and I really don't think anyone here will get more critically brutal than, "Your characters are nothing but caricatures of emotions that no one in your intended audience can relate to because you focus too much on having an 'interesting' story rather than a relatable one, and when I say 'interesting' I mean 'incredibly boring.'"

I can take whatever you have to throw at me, I promise. I would actually be really flattered if my short stories could invoke enough motivation in you to type out a reply.

EDIT: There were links here, reworking the lit.

I'll update this post with more links later.
Last edited by (CH3)3CLi on Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:44 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Short Story Scribblets

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Wed Mar 12, 2014 6:54 am

Dysdaimon wrote:"Your characters are nothing but caricatures of emotions that no one in your intended audience can relate to because you focus too much on having an 'interesting' story rather than a relatable one, and when I say 'interesting' I mean 'incredibly boring.'"


Holy feck on a stick, that is harsh. Just shows how unadventurous I can be sometimes... Well except when I got a review that told me 'You should do the world a favour and stop writing altogether.' Though that was an opinion rather than a criticism. But could be that I'm rather emotional at the moment or that I am maybe a bit defensive about my characters that I wouldn't be able to take a comment like that. Did kind of once, but not like that jeez.

Probably rude to give a reply a comment like that on your literature topic, but wanted to express the shock I got when I read that.

So anyways, your stories were easy to read being short-short stories, though to warn, as I said, I'm suffering from a few things at the moment (Like cancer lol ), so yeah, I'll do my best because I love trying to help people with their work.

(Read Sunset Waltz, a moment later)

This is perhaps one of the most abruck and unnatural things I have ever read. It's not smooth and it's very slow. You could argue that I dislike this story because it's description filled, but no, one thing I like about this story is the description, there's good word choices and just generally what you choose to focus on. Problem is that I don't appreciate that stuff, I'm a fast-paced action writer, so I can't really explain why I really enjoy the descriptions. However I think it's fair to say how awkward your thing is to read and it's unpleasant.

I'm going to blame your writing classes on this. You've gathered knowledge of what readers want to read and what they're looking for, but it's technically not you writing it. It's like a machine with no love. You probably did enjoy writing this, but it wasn't a fun read. I don't know. I could show this to my friend I see every two-weeks on Tuesday (Depending on if I have chemo or not), whose a former English teacher and right now head of my Island's creative community and see why this wasn't fun to read.

(Read Misfortunate now)

This is somehow a lot better and a lot easier to read... And I have no idea why. I'm going to guess it was something you 'actually' wanted to write, where before I'm guessing you were trying to impress everyone or something, I don't know. The thing though that put me off reading this was that there was so much boring description and detail, I really liked it at first because it gives a great image of what it's like to have this Devil's eye and really enjoyed that, but then... Boring, meaningless at times and just dragged on information. There's a thing called telling the reader only what he wants to know. I didn't want to know so much about Carruga, because he doesn't amount to much in the story, he only plays a small part in this short-short story and so do we really need that much imagery about his exact height and weight? Should've just left it that he was a lightbuild and there, probably all you need because I would've liked to have just go on with the story, seriously.
Overall I didn't really like reading the story because all it was, was about a guy, who has this Devil's eye... and got his ass kicked in other to get ranked something or other. We didn't even get that much into the character, we just got into this world you spent so much time explaining about.
I'm going to have to say I hated this story, sorry if that's harsh, but you did just mention you can take it and I do want to be honest here... I really did hate this and I hate saying that. On the bright side, like I said, you did a good job with the description, especially when it showed how good the Devil's eye was.
I would certainly say keep writing, just try to have an actual story. Beginning, conflict and conclusion, three basic stages which can be found in every story. Introduce us the character, bring on the conflict and then show us what happens.

Hope that helps anyways and sorry if you disagree or feel I'm wrong or anything, but feel free to mention that as I'm a learner as well, but overall hopefully helping you is the main thing.
Anyone want ta take look at my own comic?

http://walrusm3.deviantart.com/

The art's quite modest, but I'm told the story's fun.
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Re: Dysdaimon: "Raw Surfaces": R: Original: One-shot

Postby (CH3)3CLi » Wed Mar 12, 2014 7:13 am

Hey, no worries. Don't censor yourself for my sake, I actually enjoy reading honest hate than sugar-coated hate. It's perfectly fine, in my opinion, to loathe the living shit out of something. On the bright side, I'm glad I was able to inspire even negative feelings towards the stories themselves. Means I've got something in those stories worth salvaging and they're not Nyquiling the fuck out of you.

I'll expand "Misfortunate" out later and chop down some of the exposition that's making it drag on so much. If I recall correctly, there were two drafts for that story, one significantly longer than the other that delves deeper into that world, but for some reason my files only have this current version you've read. If I can find my old draft, I'll see what I actually had in mind for "Misfortunate" instead of the current version that's so shortened it makes no sense.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say "Misfortunate" was probably easier to read because I had a longer plan for it that I abandoned at some point. "Sunset Waltz" was my first (and probably last) attempt at writing something short and surreal. I wanted to experiment, but the class had the same general opinion about it as you do, so it's not surprising. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Thanks for the amount of effort you took in typing all that out, though. I really appreciate it.
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Re: Dysdaimon: "Raw Surfaces": R: Original: One-shot

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Wed Mar 12, 2014 8:15 am

Not too sure how to feel on that. Sugarcoated criticisms fine, so long as you're not hiding any truths that need knowing. Being harsh does more emotional damage, than properly motivate. After all, even though I am sometimes harsh, it's only to make my point, but a good writer should be able to make that out without me needing to be harsh on them. Sure a good writer should also be able to stand having his arm bit, but come on, we're all just creative people wanting to have fun and enjoy writing. It's only if you reach celebrity status that harsh criticism is required (How else are they going to hear you?)

But in the end good to know that you got something out of this. But in my personal opinion, you should try a story that revolves around character developing.
Anyone want ta take look at my own comic?

http://walrusm3.deviantart.com/

The art's quite modest, but I'm told the story's fun.
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