Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

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Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 23, 2013 8:29 pm

So there comes a time when my creative writing juices start flowing and this thread is the best place for me to put them. This is a Screenplay , I'm not sticking to a general way of writing so for the most part you're going to see jumbled up scenes that aren't together. So don't expect a beginning middle and end kind of thing, it'll mostly be a mix of all 3. Constructive Criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Act II Scene 4


BEN enters through the front door


SHELIA: Hey, so how was work?

BEN: Yeah...about that. There's something I need to tell you actually

SHELIA: Oh no, I know that tone of yours. You're going to tell me bad news and I'm not going to listen.. No sir I won't.

BEN: Can you just listen! Jesus Christ. Okay, so..my boss offered me a promotion....but it requires that I move to San Francisco...I turned it down, I turned it down so we could still be together.

Silence for a moment they both just stare


SHELIA: Well why the fuck would you do that?

BEN: E...Excuse me?

SHELIA: Why would you turn down such a great opportunity just for me? I mean jesus fucking christ Ben. This is a horrible relationship and..and you're pretty retarded for turning down that job.

BEN: I should have expected this, I thought you would appreciate that I'm trying to save this. This fucking thing we have together. But of course you just respond in the most immature way possible. Fucking stupid-

SHELIA: Fucking stupid what? Cunt? Is that what you were going to say? What because you think I'll react the way I did the first time you called me a Cunt? Go ahead Ben, call me a cunt. Just go ahead and do it!

BEN: I AM TRYING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP

SHELIA: I CHEATED ON YOU!..and you cheated on me. This relationship was built on lies. Holy shit do I sound fucking stupid saying that out loud. Do you see what you've turned me to, some kind of cliche whore.

BEN: As if you weren't a fucking whore before. I should have taken that Job position, just to see that fucking face of your shows an emotion other than horny...you know you're fucking lucky

SHELIA: Oh really Ben? How about you use that Writing ability of yours to explain exactly why I'm fucking lucky

BEN: You're fucking lucky because other men would have beaten you by now!

SHELIA: That's because you're a fucking pussy Ben, you're too busy fucking your co-workers than acting like a real man.

BEN: Fuck you, I've had enough of this shit. I'm going for a walk, you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

BEN puts on his coat and heads for the door


SHELIA: Why do I have to sleep on the couch!?

BEN: Because I payed for the bed you dumb bitch

Door Slams
Last edited by Millo on Mon Dec 23, 2013 10:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Birdofterror » Mon Dec 23, 2013 10:43 pm

Damn, heavy shit bro. Entertaining as hell, it kept me going 'till the end.

You said you wanted criticism? Well, other than two spelling errors, I don't have much to give.
Millo Toe wrote:BEN: Fuck you, I've had enough of this shit. I'm going for a walk, you're sleeping on the ouch tonight.
I wonder how comfortable the "Ouch" is.

Also the fourth line has dots all over the place. "..." - ". . ." are acceptable when using them in this way. 4 dots and 2 dots are considered spelling errors. You can add a space after the triple dots as well. (They have a name, I forget it right now.) It's not required to add the space, it's not a spelling error this way, but the two and four dots are.

That's all. To my knowledge, there's nothing here to improve. It was very entertaining to read, something I hope will stay this way. You have a fan if you have the heart to keep this up. ;)
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 23, 2013 10:52 pm

Fixed


Haha I feel so embarrassed about that spelling error and I'll keep the dots in mind. Thanks glad you like it =-)

Again I don't want to force it so I plan on only writing when I've got that Writers Spirit. Which coincidentally I have right now!
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Birdofterror » Mon Dec 23, 2013 10:54 pm

No problem, Millo. I'll be keeping an eye on everything you've got going here. :D
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 23, 2013 11:59 pm

Act I Scene 2


Morning after


JULIE: Thank you for choosing Baby Julies Book Store as your choice for books! Come again!

BEN enters


BEN: Hey Jules

JULIE: I told you, don't call me Jules at work. I'm still your boss you know.

BEN: Yeah yeah sure whatever but Jules seriously, I've got to tell you about this girl I met last night.

JULIE: Oh jesus please tell me you don't plan on talking about another one of your One night stands

BEN: No no this one is different.

JULIE: Wait so you didn't have sex with her?

BEN: No I did but, it's different.

JULIE: Yeah sure it is, anyways tell me about her

BEN: I don't know she's...different. I've never met a girl like her before

JULIE rolls her eyes


BEN: What?

JULIE: Oh it's nothing

BEN: No come on tell me, you don't roll your eyes unless you've got something on your mind so say it.

JULIE: It's just...don't you feel like this is wasting your time?

BEN: How am I wasting my time?

JULIE: Fucking hell Ben, you work in a Book Store. You're a writer and you work in a Book Store. Do you not see how completely sad that is?

BEN: I understand what you mean but-

JULIE: I don't think you understand what I mean. You shouldn't be sitting here talking to me about some girl you met at some party. You should be writing your book, I've seen your writing and I really enjoy it. You're talented and you're too old to be gushing over some girl you just fucking met. Don't you remember the last time you got obsessed with a girl? It didn't end well.

BEN: The Dentist

JULIE: What?

BEN: I didn't meet her at a party. It was at the Dentist.

JULIE: Ben I-

BEN: I'm going to go into the back and check up on our inventory

BEN exits


JULIE: Hi can I help you?

SHELIA: Oh no thank you! I'm just looking around is all.

JULIE: Well if you need anything I'll be here.

JULIE sighs


SHELIA: Is something the matter?

JULIE: Excuse me?

SHELIA: I can tell when someones troubled. It's this thing I have. So what's wrong?

JULIE: It's nothing, I'm just madly in love with this guy but he's just so fucking stupid it's ridiculous that I expect him to do anything about it.

SHELIA: Yeah men can be pretty fucking stupid. You should tell him how you feel yah know, most men need that little nudge so that they can understand whats going on. Oh there it is!

SHELIA picks up a copy of Oliver Twist


SHELIA: I'd like to buy this please.

JULIE: You know what, you can have it Miss...?

SHELIA: What really? No way! Oh you don't have to be so formal, my name is Shelia

JULIE: It's on the house. Thank you for asking about my troubles Shelia, my name is Julie

SHELIA: It was my pleasure, see you later Julie

SHEILA exits, BEN enters from the back


BEN: So did we finally get a customer in this shithole?

JULIE: Yep it seems we did. This shithole isn't as shitty as you thought it was

They both smile and share a laugh


JULIE: So, what's that girl I keep hearing abouts name?

BEN: Her name is Shelia
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tenshi Nova » Tue Dec 24, 2013 12:04 am

If only there was a way to rate these threads :3
I shall be waiting for moar!
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:42 am

ACT 1 SCENE 1


Dentist Office 9:30 AM


BEN:...Jesus fucking Christ Can't believe I have to be here right now.

Silence


BEN: At least I'm basically alone

SHELIA: No you're not

BEN: I'm sorry?
BEN turns his head to the side


SHELIA: I heard you over there, complaining. Do you do that often?

BEN: What? Complain? Of course I do. This whole thing is shit.

SHELIA: What's shit?

BEN: Everything, I know that sounds like I'm whining but to be honest it really is. I'm wasting time I could use for other things

SHELIA: Like what?

BEN: Writing, I'm a writer you know.

SHELIA: No, I don't.

They stare for a slight moment and laugh


BEN: Yeah I suppose a complete stranger wouldn't know. What's your name?

SHELIA: Shelia. And before you ask no I didn't mean Sheila. I get fucking mad when people think I mean that.

BEN: Well it's nice to meet you Shelia I'm-

SHELIA: Don't call me Shelia, I prefer to be called Shell

BEN: Well Shell, my name is-

SHELIA: Also don't tell me your name.

BEN: Why not?

SHELIA: I don't know...I want that layer of mystery in our relationship

BEN: Woah woah slow down there. This isn't a relationship

SHELIA
: Of course it fucking is, a relationship isn't just two people who fuck each other you know. Jesus.

BEN: Fine, Christ no need to get uptight about it.
Silence


SHELIA:...I'm from Ireland

BEN: huh?

SHELIA: Wait no that was a lie, I thought starting this with a lie would help but it didn't.

BEN: What a pretty fucking horrible way to start off a relationship, with a lie. Who am I to judge though.

SHELIA: I guess we're both just horrible people.

BEN: Who isn't a horrible person? Fucking nobody that's who.

SHELIA: Well you don't seem so horrible

BEN: You'd be fucking surprised

SHELIA: Well anyways I'm going to have to leave

BEN: Wait, you're leaving?

SHELIA: Yeah...is there a problem?

BEN: But...you didn't even go in

SHELIA: Oh I'm not here for a check up or anything, I used to work here. I just came in for my last pay check

BEN: Oh...well it was nice seeing you then

SHELIA: Don't be fucking retarded, come on!

BEN: What?

SHELIA: Are you coming or not? What? Are you just going to sit here all day for some stupid appointment? Lets get out of here and fuck.

BEN contemplates


BEN: Okay, let's get out of here

SHELIA: That's what I'm talking about! Lets go!

BEN: Ben

SHELIA: Hmm?

BEN: My name is Ben by the way.

SHELIA: I told you not to tell me.

BEN: Are you gonna cry about it?

SHELIA: Fuck you

BEN: No fuck you


They laugh, then EXIT
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
QU:You look sad and frightened.
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tuor » Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:52 am

This makes me want to break shit
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Birdofterror » Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:58 am

Another great part.

I've gotta say, Millo. This is some of the most entertaining shit I've seen in a long time. :O
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:01 am

I-is that a good thing Tuor?



Haha thanks BiT, I'll be honest though. I can't tell if you actually like it or if you're just saying these nice things cause we're bros.
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Birdofterror » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:05 am

You got it backwards, bro. We're bros BECAUSE this shit is hilarious. :D

Amongst other things of course, but you see where I stand.

I could just see this made into a low budget sitcom where people just yell at each other all day and fuck.
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:08 am

Sitcom? If anything it's be some low budget indie movie. I'm having fun writing it though.
I've got a general idea of where I want it to go. I really love writing it in random parts though, it gives me the ability to fill on spots for the reader.
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tuor » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:30 am

I guess I just find the characters frustrating, I'm not sure if that's what you're going for or not, though.
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:36 am

I'm so happy you say that! That's kind of the point! I want them to be entertaining but I NEED the reader to know that these are horrible shitty people.
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tuor » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:39 am

Ya, I'm definitely getting that.
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:48 am

Other than the characters what do you think about it?
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tuor » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:50 am

Lemme go back and read all of them, because I only read the most recent instalment.
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tuor » Mon Dec 30, 2013 2:00 am

I can't really judge the first bit you posted, because I have no idea what happens between Act I Scene II and Act II Scene IV. This is all just stream of consciousness as I think of stuff, here goes:

How does Ben not notice another person in the room?

Jesus these two are so angry, at nothing apparently. I would have looked at Shelia and walked away. I see Ben likes to be humiliated or something.

I think julie is dumb, or maybe I just think that it makes perfect sense for a writer to work at a bookstore. Like I can hardly think of a better part time job for a writer. It’s good for writer’s to gush, writers should be emotional, it’s how they have stuff to write about.
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Mon Dec 30, 2013 2:21 am

To be honest about the him not noticing someone in the room part I actually had a bit of trouble figuring that out haha
One thing that's hard about writing this thing out in random parts is the continuity.
It's my main priority to double check shit that i write so that i make sure nothing is out of place.
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Fri Jan 10, 2014 1:28 am

Act II Scene 1


Ben and Shelia's Apartment
Two months after both Shelia's Affair and Ben's, afternoon


SHELIA: Hey Ben do you know where my-

BEN: Please for the love of Christ , shut the fuck up.

BEN takes a swig of alcohol

SHELIA: E-Excuse me? What did you just say?

BEN: I said shut the fuck up, Jesus your voice is so annoying it makes me...ugh it makes me want to puke.

SHELIA: sigh...listen, Ben sooner or later we're going to have to discuss this whole thing.

BEN: There's nothing to discuss you're a whore and every day I sit here wondering why I still put up with you.

SHELIA: Jesus I don't understand you, what happened to the Ben that would take me on dates and peel my oranges!? What happened to that Ben? Now all that's left is a piece of shit writer who can't even get a single book published

BEN: Fuck you, fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou FUCK.YOU.!

SHELIA: Oh real fucking mature Ben, here's an idea, how about instead of fucking ME you go back to that piece of shit book store and fuck your little whore of a boss. Would that satisfy your dick??

BEN: You're such a fucking shitty piece of shit, I should have broken up with you.

SHELIA: Well why don't we just fucking break up then huh!? Also for a fucking writer you sure have trouble making a god damn good insult you fucking homo. Why are you even still with me if you find me so shitty!?

BEN let's a little smile sneak by on his face


BEN: Because the sex is too good to give up

This comment makes SHELIA irritated


SHELIA: What a fucking shallow answer you piece of crap, what? you think you're such a fucking saint? Don't forget that you cheated too!

BEN: Only because you cheated first you fucking-fucking CUNT

SHELIA:...wow really? Y-you're such a coward you'd call me that? snif real fucking nice Ben , real fucking nice-oh god what was i thinking being with you

SHELIA stomps out of the room

BEN: Yeah that's right you run away from this you fucking CUNT! CEE YOU EN TEE CUNT.

silence

BEN: God damnit...

BEN sits there silent, takes another swig

BEN: I wish I was dead...why does my life suck so fucking much? I don't think I've done anything wrong

BEN takes another drink


And another


and another


BEN: I mean..it's all HER fault. Jesus Christ why is this happening to me...I don't deserve this...this crap of a life

SHELIA stomps back in


SHELIA: Who the fuck are you talking to?

BEN: No one. Why? Does it bother you? Can't you just leave me the fuck alone.

SHELIA: You're such a fucking child, immature, lazy , drunk, horrible writer, small dick, no future, the list goes on and on Ben, I could make a better fucking book with this list than you can with all your writing "talent".

BEN: Yeah yeah yeah why don't you go back to your room and cry like a little bitch already.

SHELIA: Can't we just talk about this!?

silence


BEN: Okay...lets talk.

silence, the stare for a moment then embrace each other

SHELIA:[whispers]We're so horrible...so-

BEN: Shush...just..let it happen

They fall on the couch, the scene ends
Last edited by Millo on Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Birdofterror » Fri Jan 10, 2014 2:31 am

Ben and Shelia are horrible people.
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Tuor » Fri Jan 10, 2014 2:37 am

I assume there should be a "know" in the first line.
"Suddenly Frodo noticed that a strange-looking weather-beaten man, sitting in the shadows near the wall, was also listening intently to the hobbit-talk. He had a tall tankard in front of him, and was smoking a long-stemmed pipe curiously carved. His legs were stretched out before him, showing high boots of supple leather that fitted him well, but had seen much wear and were now caked with mud. A travel-stained cloak of heavy dark-green cloth was drawn close about him, and in spite of the heat of the room he wore a hood that overshadowed his face; but the gleam of his eyes could be seen as he watched the hobbits."
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:17 am

Shit..yes...there should...fixed
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Comic Kitten » Fri Jan 10, 2014 5:15 am

Very entertaining!!! I like the characters and the way you're playing it all out. Sounds like a toxic relationship at its finest!

There's some minor spelling/grammatical errors, but no biggie because free writing is best without worrying about that stuff! Maybe use Word before posting it online? My constructive criticism is try reading the conversations out loud when you go through the editing process. Most of them are great, but a few of them seem like written conversations instead of verbal (something you'd read in a book instead of hearing someone actually say).

Also, something I noticed and thought was strange; when you introduced the characters at their place of work, you have them swearing to people they're just meeting... Not sure of your setting (maybe it's normal there), but in most professional workplaces the employees wouldn't start off saying "fuck" to their customer/patient :P
(example: SHELIA: Shelia. And before you ask no I didn't mean Sheila. I get fucking mad when people think I mean that.) -- (although she didn't work here anymore, so maybe she doesn't care?)
(example: JULIE: It's nothing, I'm just madly in love with this guy but he's just so fucking stupid it's ridiculous that I expect him to do anything about it.)

If this is in an area that even the professionals swear, maybe add that in the opening to give the readers a feel for your setting? Maybe it's in a rough town in New York? Or a small town in Canada? Feel free to let your readers in on that part, it adds a lot to the characters and dialogue!!

Sorry for the long post...
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Re: Ben and Shelia are Horrible People

Postby Millo » Fri Jan 10, 2014 12:39 pm

Thank you I'll take that into account! You're right though, I do overdo it with the swearing don't I haha. Can you tell me which scene seems less organic as far as conversations go? I think I may know which one you're talking about
Have you tried turn it off and on again?
QU:You look sad and frightened.
Stricken:i know this probably isn't the time or place now, but god damn millo is a hunk
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