Descent into Darkness

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Descent into Darkness

Postby Megadon » Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:27 pm

Just few things I want to point out before I begin:
1: Complete Fanfic; true certain sections and chapters with intercept with the original story/comic line but this follows its own timeline.
2: I will be using Snafu comic characters but I lay no claim to them, their personalities or anything about them.
3: If you have any dislike, comments, questions, suggestions for story, or advice about my Fanfic I will open a section called DiD Talk, and you can place all your thoughts there. I will read every comment and post.
4: If any artist does want to make a comic rendering of my story, you a full permission, but it must be a public post.
5: Because of the length of each chapter; I will post updates every 2-3 weeks if possible.
6: I am not changing the story of the original comic, again this is a Fanfic with it's own timeline so don't go asking questions to the original authors or artist about my story. They have nothing to do with this.
7 (last): Enjoy and I hope you don't go insane like me.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Megadon » Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:49 pm

Prologue:

This story begins in an unknown part of the Underworld. It is a valley or twisted rock, ruins, spires, emptiness. The sky is dark violent and the ground is like a sea of blue sand. Yet amongst this sea of rocks and sand we come upon a group Hell-Born demons that have found their way into the Underworld. They are enjoying a meal, of a freshly caught Underworld being. An escaped demon from the Realm of Tainted Souls. They are piled on top of their victim and continue to rip and tear away at the demons body. One of the demons goes as far as to rip off on e of the demons arms. He bits into the arm and pulls on it like trying to tear a piece of bacon or jerky. The others continue to rip and pull chunks from the demon until it is no more. When they are finished all that remains of the demon is a pool of blood where his body once was.

"Ahhh, that was a good meal." Says one the demons. His face still spattered with blood. "Yeah these pathetic Underworld demons taste just as good as humans." says the demon next to the first one. "Nah, it would have tasted better if he was a bit more terrified. Fear really brings out the flavor in these hell demon wanna-bees." So this small pack of demons continue to talk and joke until their conversation escalates. Until finally it burst into a loud argument. Then the biggest of the demons, who has been sitting off by himself, walks over to others and begins to smack each one of them around until their arguing has stops. The others look up at the bigger demon, to reveal that the bigger demon is The Violator.

"Shut your useless squabbling, you diaper lick ass-clown pups. I swear working with new demons is just as annoying as dealing with spawny-boy. But at least he knows how to shut up" Says Violator in an agitated tone. "You fools think we're here for a picnic. Malebolgia order us to find spawn and try to bring him to Hell. And since that big incident in the human world Spawny's been running around this joint playing demon hero. Besides; the small fries here don't taste anything like a real human." He then to turns to the right and begins to reminisce. "A real, live, and terrified human is a true delicacy. The sweat on their skin keeping them nice and moist, trembling in fear would made the meat nice and tender, and the sound of their screams of pain while you devour them. It's like listening to a choir howling dogs, in the rain; a true symphony."

"But now after what happened up there, the angels are starting hall ass. More and more them coming down to Earth making it harder for us to sneak up. And it's all thanks to a couple devil wanna bee fan boys down here." He lets out a howl of anger, while the others back away. Trying not to get caught in the path of his rage. After he finishes howiling Violator turns to demons again, but focuses on one in specific. "Kalu time to do your job mutt. Come on and see if you can catch a whiff of spawns scent." The middle-sized demon makes his way out of the group. Unlike the others, who bare a resemblance to Violator, Kalu was completely different. He had the head of a dog, with the upper body of a human. His hands and feet like the paws of a lion, his lower half from his waist all along to his legs are like that of a goats lower body. His tail is that of a scorpions tail, his back and shoulders are covered in fur and quill spike. Finally a line of claw shaped spikes flowing along the contours of his spine.

Kalu lifts his head in the air and begins to sniff around, trying to catch the scent of the renegade Hellspawn. "Well pup, you got anything?" Ask Violator. "Something but it's not Spawn. It's something else. It smell like it doesn't even belong in the Underworld at all." Replies Kalu as he continues to sniff the air. "What is it?" Ask one of the other demons in an anxious tone. "It smells as if it from Earth. I smell: fear, anger, sorrow, blood, and sweat. It's male, whatever it is, with hair but not a lot of it." Kalu continues his description of what he smell, then Violator realizes what it is Kalu smells. "Heh, heh, heh, ha", chuckles Violator. "I know what that is Kalu. I just never thought one would be down here in the Underworld." Replies Violator, as an evil, and vicious grin forms along his face. "What is it?", asks the lesser demon. "It's a human. I heard that every now and then a human or two can find ways to enter the Underworld. But to find one here and this close to us." "Maybe we can have another picnic?", suggests one of the lesser demons. Violator quickly turns and smacks the demon to the ground, then turns back to Kalu. "Which way is the human?", asks Violator in an anxious tone. "He's that way; to the northeast of us. He's maybe a mile and half away from us.", Answers Kalu. Violator soon takes off in the direction Kalu indicated. "First to get to the human can have him all to themselves." Shouts Violator as he continues to run towards the other. Soon the others take off in the same direction, chasing behind Violator, and the human.

In no time Violator and the other demons make up the mile distance between them and the human. Violator scans the area until a notices a hooded figure wrapped in a large cloak, and dashes toward it. The hooded figure turns and notices the group of demons heading towards him. He then begins to run to the east. "Oh no you don't. You'll be the first fresh human I've had in a long time. And I'm not letting you get away." Shouts Violator as he now follows behind the hooded figure. Kalu and the other demons following closely behind him. Soon they all make their way into a canyon. The hooded figure still with a considerable lead over Violator and the other demons. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos", whispers the hooded figure as he continues to run through the canyon. Sliver of flowed along the top of both sides of the canyon. Soon the top sides of the canyon begin to collapse and seal off the canyon. Violator being the closest to the hooded figure made it through the falling avalanche of rocks and continued after the hooded figure. But the others were cut off by a giant blockade of rocks that stretched as high as the canyon itself. Soon the hooded figure stopped as he had reach the end of the canyon. The only way to escape now would be to climb but by then it would have been to late. So the hooded figure turned and face his enemy. Violator, feeling a sense of success, lets out a wicked cackle.

"Now that the chasing part of cat and mouse is over, lets say we get to my favorite part. The part were the cat eats the mouse", taunts Violator as he walks over to the cornered man. Violator lunges at the hooded figure, but the man quickly side steps to the right of him, and Violator crashes into the canyon wall. "So the little mousey still wants to play, huh?" Violator takes one big step with his right foot before noticing a dripping sound, and a sharp pain on his right side. He looks and notice a cut going along his right side, and the dripping sound coming from two places: the right of his body, and the left of the hooded man. Violator then notices a sword in the hooded mans left hand. It is a samurais katana. Stares at the sword as his blood drips off its edge. "You filthy little insect!" Shouts Violator in an enraged tone. "I was going to make your death quick and painless. But now I'm going to make you suffer before I kill you."

Violator lunges at the hooded man again, reaching out at him with his left hand. This time the hooded figure doesn't attempt to dodge his attack, but in a flash of blue light Violator again finds himself against the wall of the canyon. His attack stopped, and not a new scar going diagonally along his chest up to his left shoulder. Now the hooded man has another weapon. Now in his right hand a light blue beam saber. The hooded man raise his head just enough for Violator to catch a glimpse of his eyes. He stares at Violator. "You are not from around here are you?", asked the hooded man. Violator just sat there staring at the hooded figure. "I'll take your silence as a yes. But with the way you were talking before with your allies, you should know the lay-out of the Underworld well. So I want to know. How do I get to The Realm of Tainted Souls from here?" Violator just continues staring at the hooded man before speaking. " Why would want to go to that places. It's nothing but a fake hell, with a devil wanna-be fan boy." Violator then stands to feet, but doesn't attempt to attack. "But you must be an idiot to think I'll tell you how to get there. You filthy mangy pile of shit! You think a true demon like me would ever answer to likes of you! Now I'm going to rip you apart. And since you want to get to that place soul so bad. I'll drag your soul there so I can roast it before I eat it. You piece of Crap!"

Violator, now completely blinded in rage, holds nothing back as he attacks the hooded man. The great skills, as with little effort, he dodges each of the Violators attacks. After he dodges Violators attempt to slash his head off, he dashes towards and unleashes a flurry of slashes and cuts. Swing both his blades in a downward V he slashes of Violator right hand with the katana and the left with the beam saber. With one swing to he right he cuts off Violators feet from the ankle with the beam saber. Then with just as easy a swing to the left he cuts off his legs by the knee with the katana. The hooded figure continues his barrage of attacks until the Violator is in a completely helpless position. Both his arms gone; cut off by the shoulder. It is the same with his legs, cut off at the hip. Slashes and cut marks cover his body. Even the stinger like spike on his back has been removed in the flurry of the hooded figures attack.

Violator now lies on the ground; nothing more than a head and torso. Gasping continuously, as he struggles to breath. He is in shock as his regeneration ability doesn't seem to be working. As if something is preventing from working. The hooded man walks over and stands over what remains of the Violator. He then swings his beam saber in an attempt to remove Violators head, but stops cutting half way through. "I know what happens when I kill you." Says the hooded man looking down on the Violator. "You'll die here, and then you'll be reborn in Hell. The only downside is you'll be weaker than you are now, and there's no doubt your boss will be mad. So if you want to live you better answer my question." He squats down but still holds tight to his beam saber. "How do I get to the Realm of Tainted Souls?" Violator looks up at the man, blood flowing from his mouth, still struggling to breath. The hooded man clinches tighter to his beam saber. "Okay, okay!" Responds the Violator. "You can't get there from here, these are the Sands of Ruin. What you want to do is head west and take the nearest rift to the Ghost Zone. Once you're there look for an old door with the world "HIMS Place" written on it with neon lights. That's the only way in without HIM knowing."

The hooded man stands to his feet and begins to loosen his grip on his beam saber. "Hey, buddy," Whispers the Violator. "Why are you going to that chump anyway, huh? Why don't you come with me. My master can give you anything you want. Come on Bucky, you know you want to." The hooded man just stands there looking down on Violator before answering. "There's nothing your master has that I want. And besides I'm not going there to ask HIM for anything. This is personal. I'm going there to take something back."

"Jeez what did he take from you, that's got you wanting to run into his oven after him?" Asked the Violator. "Did the big meany take your favorite toy? Oh, wait he took your little man-hood? Oh, oh, I got it. He stole your girl from you didn't he?" The hooded mans left eye widens in both shock and anger. "That's it isn't it? Well let me tell you something. If that's what you're going there for you're too late. The second your girl entered his land she was as good as dead. For all we now he's using her head for baseball practice and one of her legs as a bat. He may be a fake devil fan boy, but the one thing that punk knows how to do is torture a soul."

Violator soon begins to let a wicked mad laugh.

"All this for a stupid girls who has probably become his favorite pony by now. It's all just so funny." Says Violator as his laugh increases in volume. "Too bad for you studly looks like shes got a new man now."

The hooded man, with anger in his eyes, re-tightens his grip on the beam saber and in a swift, single motion, finishes slashing off Violators head. The force of the slash sends the Violators head flying in the air. It twirls in the air, spewing out is blood. Before coming down and landing behind what remains of his body. Soon the body and head melt into a white-ish/blue goo. Then soon the goo evaporated into a white-ish/green mist, before disappearing completely. The hooded man turns off his beam saber, and pulls it under his cloak. He then takes the katana places it in its sheath, which is held on his back. He then with great skill and ease jumps along the canyon wall until he makes his way out of the canyon, and starts walking to the west.

"The Ghost Zone", whispers the hooded man. "So that's my best way to get there." He reaches into his cloak and pulls a partly burned picture, and stares at it as he continues west. "I promise: I'll get you two back, and I'll make HIM pay. I promise. There's nothing and no one down here that can stop me. Blossom, Mimi; I'm coming." The hooded man continues west in the Sands of Ruin, determined to save his love ones, and get his revenge.


*That's the end of the Prologue*
Last edited by Megadon on Thu Dec 05, 2013 12:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Megadon » Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:11 am

I know the prologue is long. I pretty much is a chapter all its own. But it does what I wanted it to: Introduce the main character, give you a feel of what he's capable of, and reveals what some of the story is about.

Chapter one post next week.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Tenshi Nova » Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:45 am

You should think of getting a prereader. There's a handful of grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be interpreted.

Dexter in a cloak though. Can't say I find that too appealing. Just an opinion.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Blood Lord » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:08 pm

It's only 2,519 words, according to Microsoft Word. That's not very long.

But I'm also use to reading chapters that are between 5K and 12K.

I agree with Tenshi. Pre-readers are totally worth it when it comes to story creation. Just having a second person on hand makes everything go so much better.

The one big tip that I can give you right now is about paragraph construction, which I've found to be really important as it organizes and gives flow to your writing. For now, forget all those rules that they told you in English classes about each paragraph being 5-7 sentences or something like that. there is only one rule you need to remember when it comes to paragraphs. Each paragraph contains a single idea. When a new idea is introduced, a new paragraph is formed. Dialogue is included in that so when a new person or action occurs, a new paragraph is formed.

So when you have something like dialogue, instead of being bricked up like this:
Violator soon begins to let a wicked mad laugh. "All this for a stupid girls who has probably become his favorite pony by now. It's all just so funny." Says Violator as his laugh increases in volume. "Too bad for you studly looks like shes got a new man now." The hooded man, with anger in his eyes, re-tightens his grip on the beam saber and finishes slashing off Violators head. The force of the slash sends the head flying and causes it to land behind what remains of his body. Soon the body and head melt into a white-ish/blue goo. Then soon the goo evaporated into a green mist, before disappearing completely. The hooded man turns on his beam saber, and places the katana in its sheath, which is held on his back. He then with great ease jumps along the canyon wall until he makes his way out of the canyon, and starts walking to the west. "The Ghost Zone", whispers the hooded man. "So that's my best way to get there." He reaches into his cloak and pulls a partly burned picture, and stares at it as he continues west. "I promise: I'll get you two back, and I'll make HIM pay. I promise. There's nothing and no one down here that can stop me. And I'll show HIM that no demon can out smart Dexter. Blossom, Mimi; I'm coming." He continues west in the Sands of Ruin, determined to save his love ones, and get his revenge.


It looks likes this:
Violator soon begins to let a wicked mad laugh.

"All this for a stupid girls who has probably become his favorite pony by now. It's all just so funny." Says Violator as his laugh increases in volume. "Too bad for you studly looks like shes got a new man now."

The hooded man, with anger in his eyes, re-tightens his grip on the beam saber and finishes slashing off Violators head. The force of the slash sends the head flying and causes it to land behind what remains of his body. Soon the body and head melt into a white-ish/blue goo. Then soon the goo evaporated into a green mist, before disappearing completely. The hooded man turns on his beam saber, and places the katana in its sheath, which is held on his back. He then with great ease jumps along the canyon wall until he makes his way out of the canyon, and starts walking to the west.

"The Ghost Zone", whispers the hooded man. "So that's my best way to get there." He reaches into his cloak and pulls a partly burned picture, and stares at it as he continues west. "I promise: I'll get you two back, and I'll make HIM pay. I promise. There's nothing and no one down here that can stop me. And I'll show HIM that no demon can out smart Dexter. Blossom, Mimi; I'm coming." He continues west in the Sands of Ruin, determined to save his love ones, and get his revenge.


One other thing I noticed in that is the grammar in the dialogue. You had it right in the sentence I just highlighted. It's a easy mistake to do. I've been doing pre-reader work for this guy for about five months, massive improvement and success in his stories, but that's still a mistake I catch him doing a lot. Usually because he's busy and just hammers it out.

Overall, I'll probably get into it on your next chapter. The prologue needs to be designed to snare people, get them interested and then start delivering the goods. While it didn't snare me, I'll check back and see what's up.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Megadon » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:35 pm

I don't know any Pre-readers. All this is me by myself. But thanks for the advice. I'll do some revisions later today.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Tenshi Nova » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:36 pm

A pre-reader is anyone that can read it before you post.
A friend or fellow writer.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Megadon » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:51 pm

I know what a pre-reader is. It's just that my friends do more playing games, and reading comics. Than reading fanfics and stories. And I don't know any writers near me or online. So like say; I'm doing all this solo.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Sigment » Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:46 pm

I can sympathize with that. That's basically how I'm doing mine these days. Type it, go over it, post it.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Blood Lord » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:04 pm

Megadon wrote:Than reading fanfics and stories. And I don't know any writers near me or online. So like say; I'm doing all this solo.

You've got three in your thread at the moment. I am sure that myself, Tenshi, or Sigment can offer our services and help you, or direct you to another member who could help.

Sigment Kurosai wrote:I can sympathize with that. That's basically how I'm doing mine these days. Type it, go over it, post it.

All you need to do is send it to me. I think I worked on a update or two of your story.
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Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
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Re: Descent into Darkness

Postby Sigment » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:35 pm

Blood Lord wrote:I am sure that myself, Tenshi, or Sigment can offer our services and help you, or direct you to another member who could help.

I'd be more than willing to help, Meg. Just send me a PM if you'd like me to look over it.
Blood Lord wrote:All you need to do is send it to me. I think I worked on a update or two of your story.

I just might take you up on that.
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