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[Literature Contest Entry] Asinerta: The Knight of Halloween

Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:35 pm

Hello all! This is my humble contest entry. It's 997 words long and G-rated. I have to say that it turned out a bit different than I thought it would (before I actually started writing, I thought there would be a lot of death). It's a simple story about a boy, Halloween, his friends and love. Enjoy!


It was Halloween and every child of the neighborhood was wearing a costume and running around, knocking on every door and receiving candy. It was every child’s favorite holiday, a day when they could dress up and be whomever they wanted. The night was perfect for it: the sky was starry and had a full moon, there was a light fog but it wasn't too cold. Everyone was smiling, except Jack.

It wasn't like he didn't like Halloween. In fact, he absolutely loved it and even had saved money throughout the year to buy the most epic costume ever to impress his crush, a long blond haired and blue eyed girl named Marcy. Everything had gone according to his plan: he had bought the most desirable and expensive costume from Mr. Kettler’s Fantasy Shop, a full knight armor that even included a helmet and a sword. It was made of a light, plastic-like material painted with a metallic gray paint. It was perfect, especially considering the fact that Marcy dressed herself up as a princess every year. Finally, Jack would be her knight.

All was well, until his parents decided otherwise.

“But mooom... It’s Halloween! I can’t stay home...” He pleaded earlier that day, during lunch. They were all sitting at the round kitchen table: Jack, the parents and the youngest child, Harry.

“I’m sorry dear, but your father and I need to work tonight. We can’t just leave Harry alone.”

“You’re the oldest and need to start to take on some responsibilities. You’re almost thirteen, after all” Jack’s father continued, while chewing on the steak. “Harry’s only five, you need to start taking care of him.”

“What if I taking him Trick-or-Treating, too? Everyone takes their brothers. He could even use one of my old costumes!”

“Jack, please remember that he’s diabetic...”

“Oh, I know that. I promise I won’t let him eat any sweets. PLEASE let me go!” Jack had brought his hands together and was ready to get on his knees and beg, if he needed to. However, he knew it was no use.

“Jack, please...” The mother sighed. “As your father said, you’re almost thirteen years old. Don’t you think you should be... letting go of these childish things? You’re growing up, which means you need to start acting responsibly. This year, there’s no Trick-or-Treating. You’re staying home with your brother and that’s final.”

Jack stared at his mother, then at his father. He wanted to object, to fight for his right for Halloween, but couldn't find the strength to do so. No matter what arguments he used, he would always lose. Still, he risked. “But... What about my costume?” He whispered, looking down at his plate.

The parents looked at each other. They knew the effort he had put into saving money for it, the things he had to give up. They felt guilty, but held their ground. “You can always use it next year.” His father’s said. “Also, if you do a good job, we promise we’ll compensate you.”

The boy sighed and groaned. None of that mattered to him. He only wanted to impress Marcy and have a good time with his friends during the best night of the year. None of that would happen and all because of Harry and his stupid diabetes.

Eventually night came and the neighborhood gained a new life. Jack-o’-lanterns had sprouted in every yard and some houses had been transformed into haunted mansions. Jack stared through the window, seeing how everyone was having fun except him. He felt the urge to get out, while Harry was asleep. The problem was that, if he woke up, he would tell their parents as soon as possible.

Then, there was a knock on the door. He figured it was just kids asking for candy, so he got up from his bed, quickly put on his knight costume- “I’m not going to just let it rot in the closet for a year...”- and ran down the stairs. When he opened the door, he was surprised with what he saw.

In front of him were his two best friends, Marcus and Jeff. Marcus was dressed as Frankenstein, with raggedy clothes and yellowish skin, while Jeff was dressed as a pale vampire with black and red clothes and a long cape. However, they weren't the ones that surprised him.

“Trick-or-Treat, Jack!” said the long blond haired and blue eyed girl in front of him. She was wearing a sparkly purple ball gown and a large, plastic gold crown on her head. The only thing Jack noticed was her sweet smile. “Wow, you look so cute!”

He took a few seconds to emerge from his thoughts. “Oh... Uh, hi Marcy! I wasn't expecting to see you here!”
She giggled. “Well, when I heard you couldn't come out tonight, I felt sad because I know you bought that costume thinking of me.”

Jack blushed heavily. “Uh... I don’t know why you would think that... I just thought that the suit was cool, hahaha...”

“Oh, don’t deny it!” Marcus shouted.

“Yeah, we’re tired of hearing you talking about how much you would like to hang out with her! Stop being such a chicken, chicken!” Jeff added, pushing Jack out of the way and entering the house. Marcus followed him and closed the door.

Before Jack could ask what was happening, Marcy explained. “As I was saying, I was sad. So, Marcus and Jeff, knowing how much you liked me, offered themselves to take care of your brother while you were my knight. So... what do you think?”

Jack was speechless. He realized how great his friends were but, above all, how Marcy had started to blush. The night was going to be great, after all. He put his helmet on, grabbed her arm and they both walked to their first house of the night, announcing to the world that that little piece of land belonged to Princess Marcy and the Knight of Halloween.
Last edited by Asinerta on Mon Sep 30, 2013 2:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Re: [Literature Contest Entry] Asinerta: The Knight of Halloween

Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:05 pm

Such a touching story. I suppose if it was 1200 words max, we could have had the parents come home. Even so, I like this. Well done.

Re: [Literature Contest Entry] Asinerta: The Knight of Halloween

Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:25 pm

I agree with Sigment, the 1000 word limit does seem constraining for actual stories, trust me I've been there. But this is really good! I instantly felt for the character less than halfway through and the story felt real! It was both interesting and realistic. I've gotta say, I'm impressed! Keep up the good work!

Re: [Literature Contest Entry] Asinerta: The Knight of Halloween

Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:36 am

Have to double on Sigment with the touching part. I liked to quite a lot as it was your usual early teen boy romance. I also liked this use 'Everyone was smiling, except Jack.', I've trying to explain to myself why, but I guess it just shows how rockbottom he is and singles him out to give a more dire how he's the only one unhappy. Really though I do like how you've potrayed a teenage boy in love so well.
Anyways I do have to criticize you for using numbers instead of words. I don't know why, but you're not allowed to use numbers like 1, you're suppose to use them like words such as one. There are words I could've cut out that would've saved you more space. For example you could've just said at the beginning, 'It was Halloween and all the kids were out and everyone was smiling, except one.' Yes that cuts down the imagery hugely, but leaves more room for the story. Could've dived right into the story in fact. But just showing an example there. There's also this bit that I disliked.

He felt the urge to get out, since Harry was asleep. I think you mean while Harry was asleep? It sounds much smoother than since.

Hope that's appreciated anyways Asinerta and good job.

Re: [Literature Contest Entry] Asinerta: The Knight of Halloween

Mon Sep 30, 2013 1:29 pm

I appreciate the kind words! I've never had actual feedback on my writing, so this is nice. ^_^

Thanks for the tips, Thy_Obsessive_Freak. I'll definitely check those parts out.
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