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Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/15/2013

Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:44 pm

How did you feel about the story? o.o

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/15/2013

Wed Jul 17, 2013 5:05 am

I apologies Blood Lord, I guess I was too tired last night and when I saw another infernal description v what you need to know, I got passionate. After all, I have downed a number of people who've brought this up with me, but it was annoying trying to see someone bring descriptive beliefs on another up and coming writer, don't confuse him!

Again, I think Tenshi Nova's done quite well. He's made a number of mistakes like I have, for example word tense, people criticized me for about 6yrs for misusing word tense, but never helped me, so I never knew how to do proper word tense for that long. However through experience in my writing, I suddenly fixed it! People stopped complaining about my tense and believe I've now finally know how to do word tense. Like I said I help people by whatever Cold-hearted means, that it leaves them to their own sort of pace while telling them what they need to be developing (Like Speech tags), I believe in the Cognitive psychologist theorist Kurt Fischer after all and his theory has helped me to improve more inexperienced writers.

But anyways, I would stop here, but this is about defending Tenshi Nova's work. Even if you won't listen and you are his editor, I want Tenshi Nova to know what I view is very positive here. What's great about his work is that he tells the writers what I need to know, something that people have been banging into my head, that right now my head feels like a gong, again Tenshi could shorten this more. But if it's not worth explaining what the character looks like, why should he? He's also put in in the subtitle it's a Minecraft story, so most people reading this story would be Minecraft fans who again don't need him to describe it as a Minecraft world as they already know what one is, why on Earth does Tenshi need to yammer on about what every thing looks like. Again I use to believe that you did, but I've been reprogrammed to be against it because of the 'Tell what the reader needs to know', do I really want Tenshi to explain what an elf looks like, it had pointy ears, it was very tall, it was pale, so it was just like most other elves, sure people normally forget to mention they're pale and some people like J.K Rowling describe them as short, big nosed things, but most readers would associate them as tall pointy ears.
As for the main character needing to be relatable, yeah I've never been told that, but I did see two people talk about it online, who discussed that characters don't have to be relatable, sometimes you just need the story. I assume Tenshi Nova's sharing one of his online experiences or something, but I already relate to this being something I use to do in D&D, wonder around, come across guards and the fight off bandits. He's already got an action scene to keep people in and nonetheless he's world building and bring the question of what their quest is, he's already drawn in the reader.
But right now I'm hitting my head on a very hard surface at the moment, why, what do the swords and shields look like? I was ready to ridicule you for that one, but I decided against it. When your storytelling, do you honestly want Tenshi to go on about the characters boots as well? How about his belt? It was long and made of leather with metal studs. If an artist were to make depictions of Tenshi Nova's characters and needed some form of 'detail' how is that Tenshi Nova's problem? He's telling a story here, not come up with drawing inspirations. And what's wrong with assuming with the reader, that's called trusting them, Tenshi Nova here is a very good truster, just needs a few less words.

Tuor's also very right anyways, I should do that to, but heck, I'm action writer who writes fast-paced work, when I see someone like Sigment Kurosai trying to write action scenes, I strongly believe he should be writing fast pace, listed above is why.

Anyways I'm not pissed off, just embarrassed at how excited, passionate and tired I got last night. Reason I got excited is because I was on a streak, everyone's backed down to my writing beliefs, something I never thought would happen. My writing 2yrs ago was atrocious and I never thought I'd become a good writer, but it was my dream. Now that I'm achieving it, I'm showing what I know to talk about and again I finally got to defend another writer's work, as said people normally defend their work from me :twisted: .
But I won't critique one of your works if you don't want me to Blood Lord, it's how I break the ice with other writers I got into conflict worth. Even though I'm cold-hearted and harsh, each word is filled with honesty that has the intention of helping by whatever means and I describe positive things, which of course blind the person until I get onto the harsh part. Yet people tell me how grateful they are for critiquing their work, even if it does feel like a bet them up with a golf-putt. Plus this debate would've been more preferable on one of our threads, being that Tenshi probably didn't imagine his thread being left open to a writer's battleground.
But as for deleting me, go ahead if you wish, I'm right here. Can't take my teasing remarks, fair enough, it's who I am, I'm an arrogant proud person who loves himself a bit too much, if you're going to delete me for that, may as well do it now, you already know my reasons for what I'm proud of and I don't think I'm going to be any clearer of why I was passionate or I was a smart ass, just let you both know Tenshi Nova and Sigment Kurosai, it'll be fun watching your writing improve (What? I'm serious, if Blood Lord's going to ban me, get it over with).

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/15/2013

Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:00 am

Okay, let's all take a breather. I realize I have no real power or authority here, but I'll be speaking as if I did, because it will better express how I feel.

There seems to be some misunderstanding. The first thing I want to address/diffuse(w/e you want to call it) is the 'ban issue' that came from nowhere. I believe Blood Lord was saying he would delete any critique Walrus attempts to post on a separate thread. This is the beginning of my own thread, and experience of sharing my imagination with the internet. If there's going to be ill will(or banning), it's not starting(or at least continuing) in this thread(Please).

It is true that I wished to leave much of the imagery to the reader, but there are still some specifics that would be needed. I do wish to keep my character design vague, but not completely blurred. If an artist decided to draw Alexandra, I failed to provide the information stating she's a brunette, a detail that will prove significant at a later point. There are a handful of characters that I leave to the reader, but as for the main cast, I'll need to be a little more diligent. Blood Lord isn't the only one to point out this mistake on my part.

I am well aware of descriptive writing and to what point I wish to write in. Not as colorful as Blood Lords, but also not as vague as Walrus. I believe I'm going for points you both have made, but obviously not exactly what you would both approve of. Everyone has their opinions, and I enjoy seeing them, but not when a conflict is caused from direct contact.

Another thing, Blood Lord hasn't edited anything in my writing. He's someone I consult with, to help clear my thoughts, for I think highly of his opinion.

A last thing to mention on the topic of descriptiveness. True, that using key words would help people understand an image, like mentioning Minecraft. It would still help people who aren't familiar with such imagery understand the work. I don't follow all the physics of Minecraft, so that would change how anyone may perceive it; a major example being, when a Creeper explodes, instead of all the blocks being obliterated, the area would react how it would normally react to an explosion in the real world(collapses, rubble, etc).

I do enjoy hearing both of your opinions, but there's no need to conflict with each other. In the end it would still be my decision.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/15/2013

Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:25 am

Fair enough, do what you think's right and I guess I just felt Blood lord would ban me for I don't know, being who I am, I guess that's me over-reacting (Well I'm going to be banned by a forum at some point).

But then that's your choice if you want to leave your work to the imagination of the reader, people do it. I did just recall a friend of mine whose nearing first prize for a competition and was praised heavily at our book club. His story has absolutely no description of characters what so ever (Haven't seen the guy in a while, so figures), there's three characters and we know nothing about them. I've also written a number of stories recently that have no character description at all (Look in my literature thread, there is almost no character description in a number of them, only when I need to describe my characters).

Just letting you know that you are doing nothing wrong, as Tuor says it's a style and you should be proud of whatever you do, but please... the speech tags, do something about them!

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/15/2013

Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:40 am

So for the moment, I'll finish up my 3rd prologue, and I'll edit the other 2 before, I post it. I expect to have everything finished, maybe even have a bit more done, by the end of the weekend. I'll be postponing The Order for now, while I fix things and try to think more things through.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/15/2013

Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:14 am

I think the earlier posts have been edited quite well. The first prologue had a decent amount of changes and the second, some minor modifications. I've decided to take a completely different approach for the third prologue, so I hope you all enjoy it.

The Red Forest
Prologue III: The Boy Who Cried Wolf
Editors: Bawub, Murairy

Spawn is often seen as the only city in The Red Forest, as well as having an army that can control the entire forest. Unfortunately, Spawn's reputation exceeds reality. Spawn, two other cities, and many villages can be found within The Red Forest. Both these cities have armies and defenses that have allowed them to defy Spawn's power.

To the far south of Spawn, there were many small trade villages. The villages in the south of The Red Forest created the largest mine in all of Minecraft. Due to Spawn's reputation, most traders passed by these villages without a second glance. The people in the south tired of Spawn's good trade and unrewarding taxes, so they seceded from Spawn's empire. The villages combined their secret stashes of materials and chose the center village to become their capital, Beacon. Within a week, they built walls of iron that surrounded Beacon, and prevented Spawn's opposition. Beacon now stands as the most impenetrable city known to man. Under Beacon, is the huge network of mineshafts, filled with monsters and traps. Only those in Beacon can navigate the maze of tunnels, with the hope of survival. Lastly, the center of Beacon, a magic relic shines a light into the sky, welcoming any challengers.

The market area of Beacon looks much like an amusement park. It's located on Beacon's north side and also serves as the entrance to the city. This prevents outsiders from going too far into Beacon, while still being able to trade and admire the city.

A young boy sneaks towards an apple stand, near the gates leading to the outside. As he grabs an apple and runs, the stand owner spots him and shouts. The boy almost immediately runs into an iron armored man. The man is well built, with a scruffy beard and short black hair.

The man looks down at the boy, "Really, Vincent? You steal and didn't even make it 10 blocks away from the stand." The man takes the apple from Vincent and walks back to the stand, "Stay there, remember I know where your parents live.", he says.

As Vincent stands there pouting, the man walks to the stand owner's side and hands him the apple. As the stand owner thanks him, the man's other hand reaches behind the owner's back, to his other side and picks up two apples. As the owner turns back to the stand, the man turns away from him and hides the apples in front of himself.

He walks back to Vincent, tossing him one of the apples. Vincent smiles as he catches it and takes a bite.

The two walk towards the side of the gates. The walls of the city are 30 blocks high. The gates are 20 high and 15 long. People walking in and out of the city gates, some with mules, others with modest bags. The stands in the area, all unorganized but colorful, using decorations of all kinds.

As the two finish their apples, and the boy looks up at the man, "Sir Robert! I am overwhelmed by your presence and honored that you would not only speak, but aid a peasant."

Robert looks down with a smile and responds, "If you're going to talk to me like that at least bow your head. Also, I'm not a knight until tonight's ceremony."

Vincent looks away from his brother, even though they are not bound by blood. All the children from their orphanage see Robert as their older brother. "Rob, I heard the knights live in the castle, with the king." Vincent pauses, as he sits and continues, "Does that mean you'll be able to steal more food for us?"

Robert pats Vincent on the head and answers, "Yes, I'll still be able to visit. Stop talking about stealing, it's bad for my reputation."

Vincent jumps up and hugs Robert, "Wait a few more years, I'll be able to kick your ass!"
"Half my height and you use foul language, Mom used to make me drink mushroom stew whenever she heard me speak like that."

After a few more seconds, Vincent runs off into the market, towards the city.

A hooded figure stands near Robert and speaks, "I have a little brother too."

Robert turns his head to and from the stranger before responding, "Responsibilities. Sucks." Robert laughs to himself.

The name remains silent, as the noises of a busy market and chatter fills their silence.

"So, can I help you with anything?", Robert questions.
The man takes off his hood. He looks about the same age as Robert, mid 20s, but with gray hair and slimmer, as well as being clean cut.
"You can. I wish to ask a favor of your king. Such a task is extremely difficult, but as a knight, it becomes much easier for you."
"What do you need, that you can only ask a king?", Robert questions.

"There's a debt I must repay. I will offer my life to the king, if he would help me repay it."
"You're life is worth the riches of a king?"
"I'm not trading for riches."
"Then you seek his influence and power.", Robert states.

The man nods.
As the sounds of the market continue, Robert thinks to himself. Finally asking, "Do you have an offer, that I could never refuse? Or are you seeking my charity?"
"I offer my services to you. I will train your brother after my audience with the king, regardless of the outcome."

Robert hesitates before responding, "Exactly who are you?"
"My name is Percy. Percy Wolf of White Fir."
Robert stiffens as he responds, "You're a...merchant?" A short pause before continuing, "I've heard about the Wolves of White Fir , the 3 merchants and assassins, that caused the war in the north."
"Our reputation precedes us. We merely released the arrow to a war long waiting to happen."

Robert clears his throat as he says, "I heard the rumors of the infamous trio being ambushed on the border, last month. One was not there, one died, and the other a prisoner in Spawn. They say the prisoner, Markus, somehow survived an arrow, shot into the back of his head."
"Markus was always the stubborn one. Alex was my brother."

Although Percy sounded emotionless, Robert could feel the pain that filled those words. "I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you feel."

"I had my time to mourn. They were prepared for the consequences, as much as I am."

Robert admires Percy's poker face. If he had lost his siblings, he wouldn't be able to control his emotions. Despite the doubts that run through Robert's head, he is set in his decision.

"Alright, Percy. I will help get you an audience with the king, but I have one last request."

Percy bows his head as he responds, "I am grateful. What is your extra request?"

"You must promise me that you will not interfere with the Knight's Ceremony tonight."

Percy keeps his head bowed, in silence. After a moment, he slowly raises his head and looks to Robert. They stare at eachother for a few more moments, before Percy puts his hood back up.
"You have the morality of a knight, and you're sharper than any blade I have ever used. The ceremony doesn't need my interference, for me to know its outcome. I promise you, I shall not interfere with the Knight's Ceremony."
Percy turns and walks out the gates of Beacon, disappearing into the crowd.

Night falls and the moon illuminates the forest. Percy sits outside Beacon and he pets a wolf that lies next to him. Behind him, a body hangs from a tree. The rope snaps and the body hits the ground. Percy looks over at his victim, a starved man, missing his right arm and leg. It's unclear if the man had died of blood loss or suffocation, but Percy doesn't seem to care. "The second one won't be as easy as the first. Can you wait a bit longer, Silva?", Percy asks his wolf.

Robert stands in a circular arena. 3 others stand on their own within the arena. They all take off their armor and throw away their weapons.

The center of the arena also serves as the entrance to the great mine under Beacon. Each man will be given 2 logs and be sent into the mines. The mines have crafting tables, furnaces and empty chests, scattered throughout it. Whoever brings back the most loot, will become a knight. The other 3 will be judged and go through more tests before becoming knights themselves.

Many bets are made around the arena as to who the victor shall be. As the men walk to the center, the audience erupts in applause and begins the celebration.

The king walks to the center to meet the four men. His beard has been trimmed for the occasion, and his smile reveals all the wrinkles that comes with age. He looks and nods to each man, before passing them their logs.
After the he finishes, the four, all kneel and in unison speaks, "King Murairy, we swear our loyalty and we shall prove our strength."

Murairy looks over the youthful knights-to-be. "You were all boys once. You have all proven yourselves men to reach this honor. Now you will all rise from men and become knights. As custom, whoever wins tonight, gains the luxury of being exempt from all the tests hereafter. It is time to prove yourselves worthy to represent our home. May Notch be with you."

The men enter the mines and the sound of celebration slowly starts to fade away. They've prepared themselves for this night and all walk in confidence. After a minute or so, they all decide to part ways.

"Tristan Draper, you'll all have to remember that name for your futures."
"I'm Robert, I'll see you all at the castle when you three pass the other tests"
"Brett Littner. I already asked them to ready my room in the castle."
"Good luck to you all. I am Eric Ru-"
"Ft Tsssssss"


The "Ft Tsssssss" is the sound a Creeper makes before blowing up.
In case I didn't explain myself clearly, Beacon seceded due to Spawn hogging trade.
If there's anything anyone believes should be added, inform me please :D
Last edited by Tenshi Nova on Fri Jan 10, 2014 7:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/25/2013

Mon Jul 29, 2013 4:04 pm

For the sake of avoiding what happened last time, I'll just give you this gold sticker inste- ohh wait. I don't have gold stickers. Hmm, shame.

I can't remember what I told you I'd do on Skype; posting thoughts in your thread or just a PM.

I know we discussed the tense thing, which works. But there was some other things I wanted to look at with you as well in here.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/25/2013

Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:12 pm

For now I guess a PM would be good, I'll set up a google docs tomorrow, probably Wednesday. Today took a lot out of me, and I think tomorrow might be even more grueling for me.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 7/25/2013

Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:06 pm

Over 3 weeks for an update, ugh. Unfortunately, updates will probably be more like this, I want to try and keep it to once a week, but other problems come up. Chapters will be relatively short, they'll probably get longer as I move forward, I just hope I can get finish the next one in less than 3 weeks. For now, enjoy!

The Red Forest
Chapter I: Letters to Highness
Editors: Bawub, Blood Lord, Solomon

My King Hiryu,

My Lord, I wish to convey my gratitude for you and your work among the people. Your hands-on approach to problems is something the city greatly admires. It comforts the people tremendously, especially with the recent passing of your Father who was, to say the least, hard headed.
Hiryu, as your friend, I wish to convey my distress over your approach and constant self endangerment. I’m aware of your skills and that you have your enchantments to protect you, but for the sake of our fathers, at least allow some men to accompany you, They're going mad with apprehension. It is far too early for us to lose another King.

Your friend, Knight Captain Hayden

Hiryu had planned to do more with his journey, until the messenger had found him.
“Hayden’s messenger will eventually fail to find me, or hopefully I’ll stop feeling guilty whenever I leave the city.”, Hiryu mutters to himself.

He had planned to go to The Swamp, far northeast of The Red Forest, and find an answer to the rumors of Patricia taking on an apprentice. Patricia is known for causing the zombie plague during his grandfather’s generation. The people stayed loyal to his father, because of Patricia’s banishment and his successful campaigns that cleansed the plague, even after he caused the war with Beacon. Unfortunately for Hiryu, ever since rumors of Patricia’s apprentice circled The Red Forest, rumors of the plague returning also arrived.

He had also planned to travel along the perimeter of The Red Forest, circling the eastern and southern parts of the forest. Stopping at Beacon, where he had planned to discuss a truce.
Of course, this was all his original plan. Like the other times he had found an excuse to leave Spawn, Hayden’s messenger somehow tracked him down and delivered a letter, always making him feel obligated to return.

The Fifth King of Spawn, Hiryu, is the youngest of predecessors, only in his mid-20s. He possesses a slightly broad build, with a shadow of a beard and short hair. Unlike other leaders, Hiryu prefers to fix problems personally, which has earned him the adoration of his people. His father passed due to illness, leaving all the problems of the past generations to rest on Hiryu’s shoulders.

Beacon’s rise as a city and powerhouse in The Red Forest occurred during his grandfather’s reign. The villages to the far south were the forest’s main mineral suppliers. The villages felt unappreciated and Spawn’s vanity had overwhelmed their nerves. They gathered and hid their resources, claiming that there were too many creatures lurking new parts of their mines. When they had enough, they built their city, with walls that called for those that dared to challenge their might.

His father attempted to take back the area, causing the war that now splits The Red Forest. This poor decision on his father’s part only led to more uncertainties in the central east parts of The Red Forest. Hiryu heard rumors last week, the villages of the central northeast, plan to succeed just as the far south villages had with Beacon. He should be arriving to the central eastern villages by the end of today.

“I’ll just go settle the matter with the villages and send a scout to the swamp. Beacon was a waste of time either way”, Hiryu informed his horse. The King himself was wearing no armor, and was only armed with an enchanted sword on his left side, his skills alone would get him out of most situations he would come across on his journey. His horse wears diamond armor, heavy as it may be, Hiryu has some Strength and Swiftness II potions in case they ever needed to escape.

He rides his horse past some trees, and as they reach a thick patch of trees, he decided to move on without his horse. “Don’t worry Olarte, I’ll be back by midnight, the villages are close by.”, Hiryu says as he ties Olarte to a tree. Hiryu picks a few apples and leaves them near his steed, before moving through the trees alone.

He walks for a few minutes before finally reaching an opening, lit by the setting sun, he sees a small lake with a waterfall in the middle of it. “How beau...ti...ful...”, He says with admiration into confusion. There was water falling straight into the lake, but the top of the waterfall was not connected to a cliff side. Hiryu looks up and sees the top of the waterfall is coming from a large floating island. He walks into the opening and halfway towards the lake.

“What the...”, Hiryu stares at the land mass in confusion, rather that amazement. The only way to get objects to float in mid air was through the use of a certain type of forbidden magic. Even with the use of forbidden magic nothing larger than a cow has ever been known to float, yet above him, an island. The only thing that seems to tether the island to the ground was the waterfall, that was barely 3 blocks wide.

As he stares up at the little island, he sees small orbs being thrown off. As they land around him, he quietly counts them, “4, 5, 6..7”. People appeared from the orbs, one each. Bubbles secrete from all the newcomers.

4 swordsmen, 2 bowmen, Hiryu thought. The orbs are Enderpearls, I’ve only used them once before, toss one and you get teleported to the landing spot. They’re one use only, so none of them will be running anytime soon. He focuses on the bubbles that came from them, as they form a circle around him. Strength, Swiftness and...green...which was green? I’ll figure it out. None of them seem to be in great shape, but those potions are going to be a pain in the ass. Iron swords, looks enchanted, most of them anyways. Ragged leather armor. Is there even a point? They might as well wear nothing.

“Hiryu, King of Spawn...welcome.”, says the swordsman, directly in front of him.
“Quite the welcoming party... before we start the festivities, I have a few questions, If I may?”
“Of course, you are a king.”, The man changes his tone to one with almost no respect, “You get 3, that was 1.”

Already down a question. The king is clearly adored by his subjects, Hiryu thinks sarcastically.

He tries to put his thoughts together before answering, floating masses of dirt, enderpearls, potions, cheap enchantments, ragged armor...black magic...witches must be involved. I wanted to know how many died to make this all possible. How many witches involved? How many people are involved? I wonder if it’s too late for me to get a tour. He looks up to the island, then back at the people around him. I need to move fast.

“Alright, what caused this violent turn of events?” Hiryu asks.

Hiryu pauses and chooses his words carefully, “That answer is a bit broad.”
“Yep. Last question.”

Hiryu remembers back to the council members at Spawn. They withheld the rumors of zombies because they felt it was too ridiculous for the king’s ears, what a load of creeper powder. The zombie plague returns, during a time of growing war too. The eastern villages must’ve been victims to it, I only heard rumors last week, but the reports must’ve been coming in for 2 months. The King doesn’t even know what’s happening in his own kingdom, no wonder everyone’s succeeding.

He thinks back to his letter from Hayden. The messenger found me yesterday morning, the closest checkpoint should be a day away for me, that’s without the Swiftness II boost. I hope the boy delivered my letter on time.
Wait a second...enderpearls injure users after landing, none of them are under Regeneration potions...broken armor, witches, plague...green bubbles...

“Are you a zombie?”, Hiryu asks. Green potions are poison. Poison heals zombies. The ragged armor must be their way of hiding the rotting parts from other people. I should ask how are they able to spea-shit.

The man in front of Hiryu smiles, “Your final answer, yes.”
Notch damn it all, Hiryu curses his impatience.
I’ve heard about cases where some zombies retain their memories for a short period of time, but here’s one in front of me, in fact, there’s 7.
The 2 bowmen were positioned behind Hiryu. They both shoot at him.
Hiryu, takes his sword with his right hand, dodges one arrow and blocks the other. He gets thrown backwards. Shit, the bows have Punch, feels like Punch II.
Hiryu looks over his shoulder and sees one of the swordsman run up and swing at his back. He leans forward, letting his current momentum move him, sliding under the zombie’s swing. He brings his sword up, cutting off the zombie’s arm. Flames burst from the wound, and tiny sparks go off within the flames. Good thing I’m paranoid, after hearing plague rumors, I spent half a fortune for this sword. Smite V. Fire Aspect II. And to top it all off, Sharpness V. Once I get Unbreaking III, woo, the undead shall know no peace. The fire spreads, surrounding the zombie, as it falls silently. The Smite damage killed it before the fire had a chance to spread and deal its own damage.

One of the archers switches position with a swordsman. The swordsman, between the two archers, charges forward. One archer shoots at Hiryu. Hiryu jumps away from the swordsman and blocks the arrow. Hiryu gets thrown back. The other archer shoots an arrow to intercept him. Hiryu quickly switches the sword to his left hand and swings outwards to block the arrow. OW, NOTCH! The force throws him in a new direction, his left arm damaged from the force. Hiryu looks over his shoulder to see the other two swordsmen, who have been idle till this point, charging towards him. Unorganized. Inexperienced. Both right handed. They’re too close to each other, the one on the left won’t be able swing. Hiryu, still being moved by the momentum of the Punch, throws his sword at the zombie to his right, same zombie that answered his questions. The zombie is hit in the chest. The sword stuck in his chest starts to spark and spread fire over it. The zombie falls back, still. The other zombie still charging, lifts its sword. Too high. Hiryu kicks off the ground, adding a short burst in his current momentum. He tackles the zombie, before it could swing down. Hiryu twists and grabs the zombie’s sword, and rolls forward. As the zombie gets up, Hiryu spins and cleaves the zombie’s head, getting the sword stuck in it. 3 down, 4 to go. Hiryu runs for his own sword.

The remaining swordsman and two archers falter. Hiryu rips his sword out. “COME AT ME!”, he yells to the remaining. I’m paranoid enough to buy an over powered sword, but not enough to remember my damn potions. Hiryu imagines the potions he left with his horse, Olarte, earlier. The zombies take a step back. Just as I thought, they’re not completely mindless yet, or I’m scarier than I assume.

A pause.

Hiryu sniffs the air. Hiryu leaps forward, spins, lifts his sword, and swing down diagonally. A zombie appears from thin air, a cut from shoulder to waist imprinted into its body. Hiryu remembers the 7 enderpearls he heard, and his earlier dodge into an arrow. The swordsman made it look like he was swing me into an arrow, when he was trying to get me to block him. This invisible one would’ve had me there. Bubbles, they’re always there, but the smell. Notch, he smells like poisoned potatoes. The revealed zombie looks Hiryu and in the eyes and with its last breath, “Welcome to Sky Limit.” It falls at Hiryu’s feet.

A roar is heard from a distance. Hiryu looks up at the island and sees something falling alongside the waterfall. He notices multiple figures going down the waterfall. If I had potions. Ugh, my arm hurts like the Nether. Hiryu looks down at his left arm, opening his hand and balling it up into a fist again. Yeah, I can’t fight without a Strength potion, and definitely not with this arm.

Hiryu runs at the archers. They respond by firing at him. One misses and He blocks the other. Hiryu twists as he his thrown back and uses the momentum to run straight into the forest.

He breaks a few branches, the momentum from the Punch wears out, and he’s now just running. He reaches where he tied Olarte. He’s met by a small group men and horses.

“My King! The checkpoint received your letter. We are here to escort you back to Spawn.”
“That’s nice. Let’s hurry now. The plague has returned and there’s a horde of undead chasing me.”

The men looked at each other frightened and confused. They all jumped onto their horses and take out Swiftness Potions. As they pour the contents onto the horses, a single sound was heard.
“Ft tsssssssssss.”

All the men move their horses and they started to gallop away as an explosion is heard behind them. Hiryu looks over his shoulder as the group gallops away. He sees thin green creatures emerge from the trees, they only had 4 stubby legs, no arms, and a face that can describe any tragedy. The creatures’ bodies expand as they let out a loud hiss, “Ft tssssssssssss.” Creepers, even creepers are with the undead. Actually, it would be more appropriate to say that this is the city of witches, controlling an army of the undead and monsters. Wait...are those...?

The creepers explode, creating a new opening, allowing Hiryu to see his pursuers. A large horde of zombies and skeletons, all riding zombie horses charge forward, chasing after the small group.

Hiryu yells to the others, “We can’t lead these back to the checkpoints. They may run across the other villages.”
“No worries my king.”, said the man closest to him. “We have already thought of that.”
“What’s your plan then?”

The man drinks a Swiftness potion and a Strength potion. He can’t possibly be thinking of fighting that mob. These guards only have stone swords, at least they have iron armor, but they won’t even slow this horde down. Potions may help, but we already used most of the Swiftness on the horses. My sword and skills could buy us a few minutes, but I didn’t bring armor and I still can’t use my left arm.

Hiryu looks down at his sword, imagining how futile it would be.

The man still riding near him laughs, “No worries my king, my name is Laurence Fisher, I trust that you’ve heard my surname.”
“Fisher, of course, your family trades food from all over, to every village and city, regardless of affiliations. They could probably buy Spawn from me.”, Hiryu jokes, “But what does that have to do wi-”
“As you know rich families are educated and trained.”

Laurence grabs Hiryu’s sword and jumps off his horse. He runs, so that he may slow the acceleration to a halt. “No worries my king, my uncle has done worse.”

Hiryu bewildered, tries to turn his horse. The other guards surround Hiryu preventing him from doing so.
“What are you all doing? He’s one your own, are you just going to leave him to be slaughtered?”
Knowing that this is the only way for the most of them to escape and to keep the area safer, he answers his own questions.

But Hiryu still reluctant to leave a man behind continues.

“What if I were to order you all to move?”
One of them answers, “Then we’d be committing treason.”
“Do you not care for him?”

“He’s the best fighter any of us have ever seen, comparable to the First King of The Red Forest.”
“The stories of my great great grandfather are legends. A man defeating an army with leather and stone is creeper powder.”

No one responds.

Wait, my sword doesn’t have Unbreaking. “My sword is gone, isn't it?”
The men escorting Hiryu all chuckle.

Another man finally answers, “Yes.”

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 8/17/2013

Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:29 pm

Right, sorry it's been so long. I've sort of been busy juggling other tasks. Not that I don't have a lot of free time, I just spend a lot of it. So anyways, catching up, I forgot you wrote, eh, present tense (So awkward for me), but at least you write in 3rd perspective, something I'm accustomed to.
So yes, I don't know Minecraft that well but I read prologue II you probably are world-building here and I'm enjoying the interesting story. Also enjoying the whole Witch thing you've got going on and it's relationship.
Issues I have though, that I think your writing can be somewhat unnatural and at the same time it's lively. I think it's when you try to give exposition, trying to world build and so on. Like I'm just trying to imagine how this might be why, theorizing and all. But I think when you're using your characters to world build, your speaking through them, instead of letting them do the speaking. Cure to that is obviously experience, but just try to remember it's your characters talking when you're world-building.
Here's an example of what I found was you talking and not your characters.

"I was chosen as one of the strongest 13 witches by the coven. My mere presence caused the creatures of your swamp to clear a path for me. You would be wise to show me more respect"

It just sounded like 20s film dialogue. Apologies if this sounds harsh, but I just think if I highlight that you might be overthinking in your dialogue. Hopefully I'm wrong, because I don't really like telling people they have bad dialogue, but I'd rather be honest.

Anyways, also had an issue with this paragraph.

She stares at the zombie, who is attempting to reach past the bars and grab her. She rubs her eyes, trying to adjust to the Night Vision Potion she just drank. She sits on a nearby rock as she stares at the zombie. She looks at the ceiling of the cave as she ignores the zombie's constant moans and growls. She then starts speaking.

You use stare twice. I think you could've just described the zombie, due to the fact that the characters focusing on it, we should be as well to give that. That's my opinion anyhows. If you wanted to keep stare, have the word continued or something near the second one. I could also highlight some unnessecary words I don't like, but I'm guessing this is a slow-paced scene, kind of hard to do in third-person I find. It's why I generally avoid slow-paced in my third-person stories.

Hope this benefits anyways.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 8/17/2013

Tue Aug 20, 2013 11:59 pm

The quote was meant to be like that, to show her cockiness. The details were made on the spot xD, I just wanted her to come off as annoying as possible.

As for the word 'stare' being used, I'll be changing that. Thanks for the mention.

As for the present tense thing, I've been looking into it more, getting some help with it. I'll probably still use it often, but I'm trying to tone it down a bit.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 8/17/2013

Wed Aug 21, 2013 10:04 am

Woh-woh! Not criticizing present tense, just saying that being someone who is almost totally accustomed to Past tense, it's hard to give feedback to present tense. Not saying you should stop with it. I'm trying to say it's like when one horror director who is accustomed to gorefests tries to criticize another horror director whose into suspense. As you could imagine it would be very difficult for the two to work together.

And I just highlighted the quote as an example of where your character feels not very alive, as in you might want to rephrase it or something. Read it out or something.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 8/17/2013

Wed Aug 21, 2013 11:43 am

I understand, just mentioning it.

She was supposed seem like a lifeless, pompous bitch. So when you say, not very alive, I'm not sure if I was successful or interpreting it differently.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 10/20/2013

Sun Oct 20, 2013 10:45 pm

Happy Halloween! :D
Got my contest entry up. Since there's still some time, I'll check over it tomorrow for any errors, before officially submitting it. For now, enjoy :)



“I’ll walk you home.

Kids all gathered around in the cafeteria. Halloween in school, at least they get to go trick or treat afterwards. A boy stands in front of a table, filled with kids, “Time for a fun Halloween story. One about Annie Gale…”

Trick or Treating, one of the best parts of Halloween.

Annie’s parents were always too busy to take her, they were influential wizards after all. Luckily every year, volunteer babysitters would take all the kids out to trick or treat.

“Alright everyone, find a partner and don’t wander outside the safe zone.”, shouted one of the volunteers.
Many of the kids already had partners, the same as last year.
Annie went looking for her partner, and to her dismay, saw him with another girl. As she stalked off, she saw a lonely boy. He stood in the middle of different groups of kids. A new kid.

“Hi! I’m Annie” She smiled at him.
“Hello, my name is Andy” He whispered timidly.
“Let’s trick or treat!”

She grabbed him and dragged him off... to a night of door to door fun.

“So, you new?” Annie questioned.
“You just moved here?”
Andy nodded, “West side of Woodhaven.”
“Wow, you live pretty far. I live in the 1st house on Burton St.”

“So...Andy, I like your costume. A ghost? Zombie guy, right?”
“Yeah...I like your bear costume.”
“It’s a teddy bear!”
The two chuckled as they walked on. Their conversation flowed more naturally as the evening went on.

After an hour they find a bench to sit, and trade their loot.
But their peace didn’t last long.

Three people walked up to them. A scarecrow, a robot and a lion.

As they approached, the robot takes the lead, “I’m so glad you kids gathered all this candy, my friends and I have been dying to eat some.”
“Go ahead and die.” Annie said, without so much as a glance.

“Ouch, how could you be so heartless?”, the robot responded as he clutched his chest.
The scarecrow lunged at them, shouting, “C’mon! Give us the candy!”
Annie creates a flame in her hands, and it flares up.
Annie stood up in front of them, “Go. Away!”

The robot took half a step back, “Woah, bringing the heat are we?” He made a small ice crystal in one hand, and raised it in front of himself.

The scarecrow looked back and forth between them, before asking, “How do you guys do this?”
He went to grab Annie’s hand.

She brushed him off, staring at him. Everyone looked at the scarecrow.
He was on fire.

The scarecrow looked at his hands, and watched as the fire spread onto his flammable costume.
“AH! AAHH! IT HURTS!” He yelled, before he ran screaming into the night.

“Ugh…” The robot seemed embarrassed as he watched his friend run off.

He tossed his ice at Annie.
She flung her fire straight threw the ice, and it combusted upon impacting the robot.
He flew back a bit, landing next to the lion.

As he stands back up, he looks to the lion, “Don’t just stand there! Do something!”

The lion made eye contact with Annie. Visions of a phoenix carrying off a lion, cooking it, as it returns to her nest filled his head.
The lion looks up at his friend, “RIGHT! I’ll go find Hunk, before he burns down the neighborhood.”
The lion ran off.

The robot looked back at Annie, “So…”
“Right, gotcha.”

As Annie and Andy watched the robot stalk off after his friends, they started laughing.

Andy stood up, “Maybe we should go home, before more of them show up.”
“Oh don’t be silly, I can handle anything that comes our way.”

Andy looked down to his feet, “I don’t want to take that chance.”

Annie blushed. She looked away and responded, “Fine. We should probably get the sitters to walk us back then.”

Andy stood tall, and chin up, “I can protect you just fine. I’ll walk you home.”
“Hm. I didn’t see you standing up when the big scary guys came up.”
“You had it handled.”

The two continued to laugh, as they headed off.

The babysitters made a mistake though. They didn’t notice that they had an odd number of kids this year. Without Annie’s return, the head count came up even, so no one questioned it afterwards.

Annie and Andy reached her home.
They said their goodbyes, and Annie ran up to her room. Disturbingly though…

Andy was sitting on her bed.
“Uh. How’d you get up here?”
“The window.”
“How did you climb to the second flo-”
“I just did. Cmon let’s play some more!”, he smiled.

Annie took a step back, chills ran through her.
“Aw, cmon Annie! Don’t look at me like that, we’re friends! Right?”
Andy got up and walked towards her.

Annie’s hands went ablaze as she shouted, “Get back! GET OUT!”
“Annie calm down. If you freak out like the others, you’ll have to come to my home.”
Andy took another step forward.

Annie shot pillars of fire through him, setting her bed on fire.
“ANNIE STOP!” He yelled!

But it was too late.

The house had burned down.
And Annie? Her body was found, unnaturally cold.
She was buried in the nearest cemetery, on the west side of Woodhaven.

The kids at the table had intently listened to the boy’s tale.
“That wasn’t scary.”
“Yeah, I heard that a million times”

As their lunch time ended, they all started to walk back to their classes.
A single girl was still with the boy.

She whispered, “I thought it was scary.”
The boy’s face lightened up, “Really? It was just a story. If you’re too scared tonight, I’ll walk you home.”


I had fun writing this up. My first go with it, I had almost 5k words :p
The cut down to 1k(970 to be accurate) makes it seem a bit stiff imo, but I'm happy with it :D

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 10/20/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 9:40 pm

I received permission to post this from Tenshi Nova (Cause we're butt buddies lol ) Please feel free to critique it and point out any grammatical errors i have made. Enjoy!

I get off the bus and walk the 300 feet trek to my house completely depressed. The day had proceeded just like any other day, with me sitting isolated at a lunch table, staring at an equation that will take me much longer to understand than everyone else, and being severely bullied by kids who were clearly superior to me. I wallow in my misery as i take step after step to a place no better than school. Depressing thoughts begin to circulate through my head. Why am I here? “I don’t know.” Why don’t I have any friends? “Because you’re a loser.” Will I ever be loved? “Probably not.” Would anyone care if I just …died? No…no. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I’m alive aren’t I? I still have a chance to do something. My attempts at cheering myself up are weak and half-hearted. It’s all I can do to suppress the worst of the thoughts. I open the door, only to be greeted by the hot air of nothingness in my home. My parents do not come home from work until later, and they have ever so graciously provided me with a list of things to be done before they return. I slowly read over the sticky note on the refrigerator. Wash the dishes, mow the lawn, empty the dishwasher, fold the laundry, mop the floors, clean your room, vacuum your room, and even reorganize the Tupperware in the cabinet… all of this to be done within a three hour period. My horrible thoughts begin to resurface as I start the endless list. What’s the point in me doing all of this? Why can’t they do it? “I don’t even think most of this really needs to be done.” Would they even care if I wasn’t here when they come home? I should run away… yeah, that’s what I’ll do…I’ll run away. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable. The omnipotent fear takes over in my mind. “You won’t run… if you left, you’d have to actually do work. There would be no more mass consumption of corn dogs to feed your fat ass and no more warm bed to sleep in.” Fear begins to list everything I would lose if I left, and I’m too tired to counter it with everything I would gain. The omnipotent fear that dictates my life wins by a landslide once again. As much as I want to leave my house, I can’t. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of other people… I’m a weak, spineless coward who has troubles in academics and can’t even make a single friend in school. I have no talents whatsoever, and I will grow up to be a fat loser who couldn’t even leave his parents’ house. These agonizing thoughts continue to course through my head. I breathe a heavy sigh… I hate my life.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:13 pm

Bawub wrote:Please feel free to critique it and point out any grammatical errors i have made. Enjoy!

Ohh trust me, I will.

The first rule that I'm going to get after you is paragraph construction. You have a massive wall of text, its painful to look at. When you have a paragraph, there is really only one rule to obey with them. One idea per paragraph. Not sentence, but paragraph. That way, its not a pain to look at and you can clearly present your ideas.

Now lets get into the nitty gritty of this business.

(See, I broke each paragraph up to contain its own ideas. The first was me promising you I will destroy your post, the second was about the one rule of paragraphs, the next was a statement to move on, and then this one to tell you what I did.)

Bawub wrote:I get off the bus and walk the 300 feet trek to my house completely depressed.

When you type numbers, usually, you spell it out unless a character is looking at the numbers.

Ex: "The recon team pushed through the heavy jungle, maintaining a five meter spread."
"David rolled over and looked at the alarm clock. He could just make out the fuzzy "2:37 am" on the display."

Bawub wrote:The day had proceeded just like any other day, with me sitting isolated at a lunch table, staring at an equation that will take me much longer to understand than everyone else, and being severely bullied by kids who were clearly superior to me.

The way this sentence is structure, makes it sound like all the events were happening at the same time. Instead, I'm sure they happened at different times in the day. Unless there's some awesome math class that lets you eat lunch in it too.

There is a lot going on in this sentence as well. Almost too much. There should be a period after "day", remove the with, and restructure the sentence like you are listing what happened. "First, I was sitting in math class... etc."

Bawub wrote: Depressing thoughts begin to circulate through my head. Why am I here? “I don’t know.” Why don’t I have any friends? “Because you’re a loser.” Will I ever be loved? “Probably not.” Would anyone care if I just …died? No…no. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I’m alive aren’t I? I still have a chance to do something

You would generate a more dramatic reading by giving each statement and its response their own paragraph.

"Why am I here?" I don't know.

"Why don't I have any friends?" Because you're a loser.

Hmm. the rest is a difficult mess to read. But If you are going for suspense, leave short sentences and paragraphs.

Keep the reader focused.

Keep them interested.

Keep them wanting more.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:17 pm

I've always heard that over 10, it's fine to use numbers instead of writing them out.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:20 pm

Is it? Sweet.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:30 pm

Some say it's when you get to ten, some say when you get to one hundred. I usually write the word either way when I do my stuff. I'd kinda feel a little lazy otherwise, dunno why.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:35 pm

Who says when you get to 100?

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:51 pm

Forgot their name. I think it might have been one of my English teachers in school, or maybe just someone I asked for advice once. Memory's really foggy on that subject, but I remember someone said it.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:59 pm

Hmm, I guess it doesn't really matter

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Sat Nov 02, 2013 12:26 am

An interesting point to discuss for a little while. My Microsoft Word seems very Bipolar when it comes to that. Sometimes it says me putting the actual number down is a small error and beckons me to fix it, while other times me writing the number out as a word is sometimes seen as a small error and tells me to put it down as a number.

The numbers I use vary usually between 1 and 10, only rarely do I verbally use numbers higher, yet my Microsoft Word doesn't really seem to know what it wants to do. I think there's a kind of context behind number/word, because different situations sometimes make it want to fix different things.

I'm willing to say that MSW isn't broken, as just about everything it's told me to ever do has been right and for the better while writing, but I just can't make heads or tails of this certain situation. I've just convinced myself to just type out all numbers in word form from now on, even if MSW sometimes freaks out.

Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:25 am

In response to the typing out numbers thing, i was told by my English teacher that one through ten is to be typed, and everything else can be numbers. Since he is grading this, i don't want to go against him. Blood, I really appreciate all the comments you've made and the errors you've pointed out. I will work to improve this.


Re: Nova Island Productions: Last Update: 11/1/2013

Sat Nov 02, 2013 11:38 am

Oh, this is something for your English class? Good luck, then. Hope she likes it.
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