WalrusM3 wrote:Apologies again for being mean, but I am a cold-hearted person with no remorse
You ass. This is my job to be a mean, cold-hearted person with no remorse.
Lots of text. But let me work through the story aspects, because honestly I don't care too much about notes. The only notes I've ever read were the appendixes in the back of the Lord of the Rings, which was great, it just ruined it for me because he had wrapped up all of the books and basically the world in it when it could have kept going.
Anyways. Let me start with grammatical issues first.
Your editors are going to hate me after this.Spelling issueGrammar issue
Comments in normal color are going to be some criticisms, and my honest opinion and preference about things
Okay, first issue I have is that your usage of past and present tense is consistently being used and mixed up. You have to decide which one to roll with and stick with it. It's all over the place, So I'm going to be editing some of the sections, but not all of it. And by edit, I mean point them out, not get into the post and fix it myself. Let's look at the first post -
Tenshi Nova wrote:Two travelerswalked through the snow covered pine forest. They had just awoken from their night's rest, and were nearing the end of their journey. The two were old friends that grew up together in a little village deep in the frigid forest. They traveledtowards The Red Forest which was not only beautiful, but also said to be over 50 kilo-blocks long and wide! The Red Forest was named after the bright red apples that fell in abundance. It was a place that people from all over dreamed to see. Many people have created settlements in the forest, but none were as well known as Spawn.
1: Wait. They are walking through the snow covered forest, but they had just woken up? Now what might have worked better is to have them already walking and we ignore the "just woken up" part, or you have them wake up at their camp, preferably from the viewpoint of an individual. Like:
"Alex woke to the cold morning air. Their campsite was half hidden in the freshly fallen snow, but thanks to their sleeping bags and tents, the winter bitterness had been mostly shrugged off. Mostly. He turned over and glanced at his childhood best friend, Markus. The two had long been inseparable since they first met. But that was a long time ago. Alex laid there for a minute and considered the events that had lead them on their journey here..."
That way you can provide a bit of a background on a character, the events of how they got there, and a few more things you'd want the reader to know. It also gives you an opportunity to moment to single out what I like to call the focal main character. I know you explained to me that there are going to be 3 to 5 main characters, but there has to be the "leader" main character, or what I like to call, the focal main character. What sets this one apart from the others is that he/she is the reason the group is together.
2: You get going on the relationship between these two friends, but then you abruptly cut it off. You need to continue the explanation of the two, or mention it somewhere else. I think, especially with what you have going on right now, it would be best to drop any insight into the relationship until both of their names are mentioned. For example:
"Alex looked over at his friend as he chuckled at his comment. "We just entered The Red Forest, and you're already speaking of success." replied Markus, shaking his head. "We still have 3 more days before we reach Spawn. Then Notch knows how many problems we'll run into. Especially since Spawn hasn't been introduced to you, Alex." Alex couldn't help but grin at his childhood best friend. The two had grown up in a little village that was deep in the frigid Forrest. The two had always been..."
3: There also isn't much character description. I have no idea what people look like in this world, which is forcing me as a reader to design my own. I know a few writers that prefer to do this because it leaves it up to the read to decide what some things look like. But when they do this it is just the single main character and written in a first person perspective. This is done to keep the main character ambiguous or hidden so the reader can project themselves into the story. Some can pull it off quite well, others can't and this has nothing to do with your story.
Anyways, character description allows you to paint a world into the minds of the readers. Of course they are all a little bit different because readers experience different things. But the goal is to have a clear world created in the mind of the reader. Don't get so descriptive that it bogs the story down, but enough that it can ignite and guide the imagination of readers.
5: There is some comma abuse, just be careful for how often you use them.
Tenshi Nova wrote:"I wish Percy was here to knock some sense into you." -Alex
"Me? You think just because he's your brother, he'd side with an idiot?" -Markus
"Coming from the one that couldn't remember how to craft a helmet?" -Alex
"Don't need a helmet when I'm smart enough to know not to drink the green potion." -Markus
Alright. Nothing completely wrong with this, but there are some things that could be done better.
1:Who is Percy? A character was mentioned, but no indication of who he is. Something better could be
"I wish Percy was here to knock some sens into you," said Alex, breifly thinking to Markus' older brother who didn't tolerate such things."
2: I know it is a minecraft story and there should be some obvious things, it is still a good idea to provide a bit of description towards things like Crawlers and "green potion" for those that don't fully understand. Even Star Wars books have a brief explanation of what a lightsaber is, but it is a small barely distinguish description. I wouldn't consider this a completely necessary criticism, but just a note of future concerns.
3: This is what I did want to talk about. when you have two characters who are bantering back and forth, and they are the only to characters, you don't need to put who said what in there like you did. It isn't necessary.
Tenshi Nova wrote:Markus chuckled a bit, before grabbing his sword and swinging it out at Lincoln. Lincoln blocked it, but is the force of the blow threw him back into a tree. The elven archers fire simultaneously at the two. Markus jumped up, and tossed bottles filled with a greenish fluid at the archers on his left. Alex rolled forward towards the 3 archers blocking their path. He sung his sword (?) at them, but the archers jump back as they reach for more arrows. The archers on the top of the left side trees, splashed by the green fluids, fell from their positions. Bubbles started to come from their bodies as they began to cough uncontrollably. Lincoln shouted, "AIM FOR THE BACK ONE!" as he ran at Markus.
1: When you are writing numbers, it is best to stay as close to the word format as possible and not the numerical format. Even when you get up into larger numbers, like thousands, you can use descriptive words like "legion" or "division" instead of "2,189 troops". When you do this, you open yourself up to using a larger range of vocabulary than before. So 4 men become a unit or squad.
2: What did Alex swing at them with?
3: The action content is choppy, and again it suffers from lack of description and proper tense use.
This is about all that I'm going to focus on for right now.
The key things you need to work on is proper tense usage and description.