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Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Wed Sep 18, 2013 2:41 am

Thy_Obsessive_Freak wrote:In trying to get out of his grip THis looks like a typo?
Well, it's intentional. I've seen writers do this though I'm not sure if it is correct.
Thy_Obsessive_Freak wrote:who that held him by the throat, Typo.

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:03 am

No probs and fair enough if you don't think it's a typo, but read it out loud to yourself and think whether that reads smoothly. Really I'd just remove the in. but fair enough if you still disagree.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:13 pm

Here is my entry for the Lit Contest, wish me luck.

-The Night-

Welcome to the Night,
come join us for a fright.

A Night of Werewolves and Ghosts,
celebrations with otherworldly hosts.

A Night of fangs and claws,
be they on hands or paws.

The Night is still young,
so go stake your claim.
Be the one to strike fear among
those who kill and maim.

Go to others and claim your reward,
whether you wield a wand or a sword.

The Night shines bright,
so don't end the fun.
Some celebrate the Night,
until it is replaced by the Sun.

So join in the fright,
the best you've ever seen.
Welcome to the Night,
for this is Halloween.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:18 pm

Niiiice. You're making me wish it was Halloween already xD

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:21 am

Thanks. Whether I win or lose, I at least had fun writing this.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Fri Sep 27, 2013 7:54 pm

Sorry for taking so long to get to yours. I felt like the song was going along to the beat of "This is Halloween." It was kind of a fuzzy and corny- but in a good way, regardless of the darker undertones. Kind of a "Big Kid's" song, but in a good way.

As we get older we can't forget what made us happy all those years ago. I suppose this is why we have literature, haha. Good job, I like this!

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Mon Oct 14, 2013 3:32 pm

It's time for the next chapter, so let's keep going. For the record, I've been having trouble with the "i" key on my computer, so you might see one missing here or there, though I'll try to avoid it.

This is kinda a big one text-wise, very dialogue oriented, so I'm splitting it into two parts.

Kurosai Chronicles

Chapter Seven: Rekindle the Fire Lost in Defeat
Part One: Back in the Land of the Living

He couldn't move... His entire body felt numb as he floated in a sea of darkness. Crimson eyes stared at him from all directions. He was helpless... For the first time in years, this feeling surfaced and left him unable to think, unable to fight. To have been defeated so easily... It left him with shattered confidence. Was it all pointless? Was there even a reason to keep trying? His doubts circled around him until a voice pierced through the void.

Wake up.

"Wake up!" Pain coursed through his body as he rose. A quick look around told him that he was back on Scafell Pike, with the others in a circle around him. Karra hugged him, a tearful smile on her face. "Oh God... You're finally awake! I was so worried!"

"Ah, Jeez! Easy with the hugging! I'm still sore here." She let go and sat next to him, wiping the tears from her eyes. He smiled for a moment before feeling something hit his head... hard. He looked up to see Angelic, a childish frown on her face. "Gah! What was that for?!"

"You jerk! How could you almost die when we just met?" Despite how much his head hurt, Sigment chuckled at what she said.

"I had you guys worried... Sorry about that." Everyone was happy that he had awoken, which had him curious. "How long was I out?"

"Don't worry, my friend. It's only been a couple of days." Albert reoriented his glasses before continuing. "They brought you back with a few bruises, two broken ribs and a concussion. Child's play for someone of my skill."

"You didn't stick a computer chip or something in my head, did you?"

"Of course not!" Albert turned around to return to his lab. "Although, I must say that it was tempting..." Some of them chuckled, but Sigment's face was one of concern, as well as anger.

"W-what's wrong? Are you okay?" Karra leaned in and put her hand on his arm.

"He beat me... so damn easily. I didn't have a chance." His hands clenched the sheets, and his eye narrowed. "...So stupid. I never should have let my guard down."

"He's clever, that's for sure." Sonya stood against a wall on the far end of the room. "He'll be waiting for us when we get to Berlin as well." That's right... He said that he was headed to Berlin. A trap if Sigment had ever seen one, but he didn't care. He needed to show that bastard that he wasn't going to give up because of this. He worked his way out of bed, the pain in his chest becoming even more excruciating.

"What are you doing?!" Karra grabbed him, trying to get him back into the bed.

"I'm going... to Berlin..."

"Like Hell, you are! You're still recovering! You're not going anywhere until your wounds have healed."

"She is right, Sigment. You are in no condition to attempt a second bout." Ryū's voice surprised him, and left him in Karra's arms as he thought to himself. He wanted this to be over, to be able to return to the village and rebuild his life. But, in the end, they were right. If he had trouble at full strength, fighting wounded would be an even more reckless decision. Sigment conceded and, with Karra's help, got back into the bed to rest. "Do not worry. With my help, your wounds will be healed in a day's time."


Alright, that's Part One. I hope I haven't kept anyone waiting too much. If so, I apologize. Anyways, Part Two will be posted this weekend, and I'll be using this time to iron out any kinks. Jikai made!
Last edited by Sigment on Fri Nov 01, 2013 9:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Tue Oct 15, 2013 11:37 am

Ah, Sigment caved in and decided to heal in bed, huh?

I wonder what kind of preparations they all must make before heading to Berlin? I await this next part. 8)

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Tue Oct 15, 2013 9:48 pm

Just a heads up, I've put everything that I have so far on deviantART. I'll be putting all updates there, in addition to the forum, from now on.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:38 pm

Sorry I took my time replying. You might have read I was trying to fix a sleeping pattern, plus focusing on my art and other such stuff. But your works becoming a lot more easier and smoother to read, that's for sure and just keeps improving, in a way it seems to be because you're making your sentences more active and more visual. I'm seriously being reduced to nitpicking stuff here.

"Wake up!" Pain coursed through his body as he rose up. You use 'up' thrice in a each sentence following that it gets repetitive. I'd recommend you just leave 'rose up' as 'rose'
Karra rushed to hug him, It's a lot more impacting if you took out 'rushed to' and had it, Karra hugged him. It's a lot faster and gives the idea of Karra just throwing herself against him.
Everyone was happy that he had awoken, which had him curious. I'd imagined they all be miserable that we have to be hunting my arch nemesis again! Sorry if that was in poor taste, but I assume you get my point. Why is he curious, if it really is because everyone's happy, you should make it more suspicious.

Hope that helps and great work Sigment.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sat Oct 19, 2013 5:45 pm

Thy_Obsessive_Freak wrote:Everyone was happy that he had awoken, which had him curious. I'd imagined they all be miserable that we have to be hunting my arch nemesis again! Sorry if that was in poor taste, but I assume you get my point. Why is he curious, if it really is because everyone's happy, you should make it more suspicious.

His curiosity is what leads to the question "How long was I out?"

Thy_Obsessive_Freak wrote:Hope that helps and great work Sigment.

Always does. Thanks.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Mon Oct 21, 2013 2:15 am

Alright, here's Part Two.


Kurosai Chronicles

Chapter Seven: Rekindle the Fire Lost in Defeat
Part Two: A Destination Set, Preparations Begin

"One-eighty-one... One-eighty-two..." His arm was aching, about to give out. "One-eighty-six..." Sigment's body was on fire. To push himself to the limit, his training included one-handed press-ups, keeping his entire body vertical with all of his weight on his arm. "One-ninety-two... One-ninety-three..."

"Sigment, it may be best to stop before something happens..."

"No... I can't stop yet!" His friend's concern was a distraction he didn't need. Giving up was not an option, not for him. "One... ninety-six... One-ninety... seven... Almost there. Stay focused. Ignore the pain!" His blood felt as though it was boiling. All he needed was one more push. "Two... hundred...!" With that, his body fell. He was exhausted, more than deserving of a rest. However, only one thing was on his mind as he caught his breath. "Now... for the other arm..."

"Are you ready down there?" Walker's voice blasted out of the speakers.

"Yes. You can start it." Karra cleared her mind as Walker loaded a combat simulation for her. The walls of the facility were replaced with a large alleyway, the very same one where she stood only five days ago. In front of her stood the group from that night.

"Deal with them as you see fit. The simulation will end once failure or success is confirmed."

"Right..." She focused her mind, calling forth the living flames of which she was accustomed. The mob surrounded her as she prepared to attack. A loud chime marked the start of combat as she engaged them all.

She stood alone amongst the trees. The wind flew through the forest as she took up stance. "Ignore all distractions... Focus only on your target." Ki began to condense in her hand, taking shape as a white flame. In front of her was her target, a large boulder amidst the trees. Calm and collected, she readied herself to strike. In an instant she struck the stone, destroying it in an explosion of energy. The strike held a force great enough to ravage the treeline behind what was now a pile of rubble.

Sonya brought her hand up to her eyes, watching the steam dissipate. "It'll have to do..."

"Sonya, are you there?" She grabbed the radio on her belt to respond.

"What's up, Walker?"

"Preparations are almost complete. Are you ready?"

"Yeah, I'm on my way back."

"Mission failed. Shutting down."

The simulation ended as she sat down to catch her breath. She got careless and let one of them get behind her. "I almost had them all."

"Ninety percent completed, my dear. Surely against such odds, you cannot believe that you did poorly."

"Yeah but..." Her mind delved back into that night. "She beat them all... like they were nothing..."

"Are you referring to Ms. Parker?" His response was coupled with a slight chuckle. "My dear, that woman has most likely trained with enough diligence to put half of the Royal Army to shame. You shouldn't be so bothered by this."

"I... I guess you're right. Thank you, Albert."

"The pleasure is all mine, my dear."

"Please, call me Karra."

"Very well, then. Karra." He offered his hand to her, helping her get up from the floor. They exchanged smiles before Sigment entered the room. "Ah, perfect timing. Preparations are completed for your departure."

"Good." He turned his head to Karra, who seemed a bit tense. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. I'm ready." Her response was coupled with one of her usual smiles.

"Okay. Don't worry, this'll be over soon."

The craft Walker prepared for their trip was nothing short of breathtaking. The cockpit possessed the latest onboard AI piloting system, and the cabin area included comfortable bedding for all of them. "The onboard navigation is set for Berlin Airport. Proper credentials are prepared for any other destinations you may require." With a quick reorientation of his glasses, he continued. "The craft includes a link to this facility. From here, I'll provide whatever information that I can to help you."

Sigment couldn't believe the support that he was receiving from a man he had just met. Though he thought it better not to look a gift horse in the mouth. He offered his hand to Walker, who responded in kind. "Thanks for this, I mean it."

"Well, this man seems hellbent on killing us all, yes? It would seem rather foolish not to offer my aid."

As the trio approached the craft, Sigment was stopped by Angelic. "I'm coming too!"

"What? Why?"

"You guys are fun, so if I go with you I'll get to have even more fun!" As much as he wanted to argue, he had a feeling that she would never let up on this.

"Walker, are you okay with this?"

"There's only so much that simulations can teach her. It is time that she start her field training." His attention shifted to his "daughter", who was in the process of waving goodbye. "Remember what I've taught you, child."

"No problem!" The team boarded the craft, which immediately departed for it's destination. Sigment looked out the window to the sky, anxious to have another encounter. He wouldn't let his target get lucky twice.

"This time... I will kill you."


Whew. That was an ordeal. With the site down for half the day, this was kind of a rush job. I hope no one is disappointed with this. If so, I deeply apologize. Anyway, I'll have this up on dA as well by the end of the night. Jikai made!

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Mon Nov 11, 2013 3:17 am

Okay, with this month being "National Novel Writing Month", I'm gonna try to get at least up to Chapter Nine by the end of the month.


Kurosai Chronicles

Chapter Eight: A Land of Fangs and Blades
Part One: Arrival in the Land of the Night

He laid in his bed, thinking of how unexpected the last few weeks have been. Reuniting with childhood friends, and re-encountering childhood enemies. Add to it, gaining two valuable allies who, before a week ago, had nothing to do with any of this. Despite it all, one thought had his attention more than any of the others. Each time he got closer to his goal, his nightmares changed, making him question who it was that he was truly looking for. Was his mind playing tricks on him, or was it trying to tell him something? As Sigment thought it over, he heard the curtain to his room open.

"Hey, you up? We're almost there."

"Yeah, Sonya, I'm up. How much longer?"

"About an hour. When you're ready, meet us in the cabin." Her expression didn't seem as happy as she used to be. He noticed that her attitude towards the journey had changed since the day they arrived at Scafell Pike.

"Sooner or later, I'll need to ask her what's going on..." Sigment gathered his sword and jacket before making his way to the main cabin.

The group conversed as their finished their meal. The ship's onboard system included an automated kitchen area that provided scheduled meals of intended passengers. Sigment and the others each took their last bites as they commented on their food.

"Man, that was delicious! I don't think I could eat another bite!" Sigment patted his stomach as he put down his fork.

A small smile crept across Sonya's face. "I could certainly get used to service like this."

"I don't know... Maybe I shouldn't have eaten so much."

"Lighten up, Karra! The kid's havin' the time of her life over there!" Sigment gestured to Angelic, who slammed her plate on the table.

"More! More!"

Everyone laughed as they began to clean up. Before long, they were all calmly waiting for their arrival in Berlin. Sonya looked to the others to figure out a plan. "So... any ideas where to start when we get there?"

"Honestly, I have no idea where to look or who to ask." With their immediate departure from Scafell Pike, Sigment hadn't really thought about where to pick up the trail.

"I believe I may able to help on that matter." The monitor in the cabin hummed to life as Walker appeared on the screen. "If anyone in Berlin would be able to help you find your quarry, it will be Nosferatu."


"Nosferatu, lad. He is the elder of the Vampiric Council. Their territories stretch across most of Central Europe. They are based in Berlin; something that I doubt to be a coincidence."

"Something tells me that they won't just let us walk in the front door to ask our questions." Sonya's comment had the doctor chuckling.

"Oh, Heavens, no. But this may be the perfect time for you to see them, nonetheless."

"What do you mean?"

"Tomorrow night is a rare occurrence: the second New Moon in a single month. To mark the occasion, a tournament is held by the Vampiric Council. The victor is granted an audience with them. This will be your chance to ask them of what they know."

Everyone looked at each other, not sure what to think of the situation, before Sigment stood up to respond to Walker. "If this is our best chance to talk to them, then I'll take it. Tomorrow night I'll enter in the tournament and win it."

Sonya let out a slight chuckle. "Wow... Talk about confident. 'Course, I'm not worried."

"In that case, I will wait for your report on the outcome." With that, the screen dimmed as Walker logged out of communications.

The craft landed with no troubles from the authorities. The credentials Walker had provided gave them clear passage through to the city. From the airport, they checked into a hotel in the city. As everyone else slept the night away, Sigment went through training exercises one after another. He needed to make sure he was ready for whatever he may encounter in the tournament.

Satisfied for the night, he got in his bed to rest, contemplating on what was to come. "A tournament filled with some of the toughest fighters in Europe? This is gonna be fun..."


Well, this turned out easier than I thought. With luck, I'll have Chapter Nine out in no time at all. Jikai made!

EDIT: Turns out I was tired enough last night to mislabel the entry. Fixed now.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Mon Nov 18, 2013 3:22 am

Okay, trying to keep up the pace here. Here's Part Two.


Kurosai Chronicles

Chapter Eight: A Land of Fangs and Blades
Part Two: Prelude to a Night of Combat

"So there are only two rules?" Sigment sat in the lounge of the hotel as he and Sonya discussed how to handle the upcoming tournament. He was eager to see what kinds of fighters he would encounter, but making sure he won each fight took priority.

"Yeah, so..." Sonya sipped from her cup before continuing. "The first rule is that you can't kill your opponent. Hopefully I can trust you to follow that one. Second one is that forfeit is not allowed, so the fight's not over until one of you can't fight back anymore."

"Weird... Thought there would be more to it than that."

"You'll be fine. Just don't do anything stupid in there." Contrary to her words, she looked at him with a faint concern in her eyes. "Also, don't forget that there'll be fighters from races you haven't encountered before. Figure out how they fight before you charge in headfirst."

"Yeah. Gotta say, I'm actually looking forward to this." As he got up, Karra and Angelic exited the elevator. "You guys ready to go? ...What's wrong?"

Karra hid her worries with a smile. "Nothing, just... Be careful, okay?"

Angelic reached up for a high five that Sigment accepted. "Beat 'em up extra for me, 'kay?"

"You got it. You guys have got nothing to worry about." As he picked up his sword, the group made their way to the exit of the hotel. "Alright, let's go."

Berlin was full of all sorts of sights to see and places to go. The city was fully capable of catering to a person's every whim. Sigment wondered if maybe he could come back someday, when all of this was over, if it was ever over. He had been working towards this for so long, and now he was closer than he had ever been. He only hoped that the chase would end soon, for everyone's sake.

Clearing those thoughts from his head, he looked up as they arrived at the coliseum. The place was massive, decorated with many expensive amenities. He wasn't surprised. He had heard that Vampires had a taste for extravagance. At the front gate was the registration for the tournament. Sigment put down his name, and the clerk passed it along. Thankfully, his nickname of Black Dragon King had yet to be associated with his actual identity, so he would be just another entry to these people.

"Thank you for your participation. Please move inside to Competitor Room Twelve. Your consultant for the tournament will arrive there shortly."

"Alright." Sigment turned around to wave to the group. "Wish me luck."

Sonya gave a thumbs up in response. "We'll be rootin' for ya in the audience."

Sigment made his way through the halls searching for the room the clerk mentioned. "Room Twelve... Room Twelve... Jeez, they really need to put a map in here somewhere." Eventually, he found the room and entered. Like the rest of the coliseum, it was well-designed. The room included a supply of food for the tournament's duration, and a wide selection of beverages. As Sigment began to sit down and eat, a tall, well-dressed man entered the room.

"Greetings, sir. My name is Jaeger and I will be your consultant for the tournament."

"What does that mean, 'consultant'?"

"Basically, I am to provide you with general information regarding each match. Your first match will be against a Vampire called Dietrich. He is a native of Berlin, and seems to fight with twin daggers. The match is scheduled to begin shortly." He politely motioned towards the door. "If you will follow me, I will lead you to the arena."

The two men walked from hall to hall as they approached their destination. Eventually, Sigment's curiosity peaked, and he tapped Jaeger's shoulder to address him. "So, if you don't mind me asking... Are you a Vampire, too?"

"Ah, you've never seen one before, have you?" He stopped and turned around to answer the question. "Yes, I am a Vampire. Though the fangs may not always be easy to see, our kind is also characterized by our distinct eye color." He pointed to his eyes, whose irises were distinctly red in nature. Sigment was reminded of the eyes that have haunted him for so long, but he could tell that the two were different. "At any rate, we're here. This door leads to the arena." As Sigment prepared to open the door, Jaeger politely bowed before taking his leave. "I wish you luck in your first match."

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Sacred Moon Melee! We all know why we're here! Tonight is a special night, and we're here to celebrate it! With fighters from across Europe here to duke it out, who will be the one to come out on top? Let's get started with the first round! Fighters, make your way to the center of the arena!"

Sigment moved into position to face his opponent. "On one side we have a Human, a rare sight in this competition! Will he rise up to take down all others? Please welcome Sigment Kurosaaaiii!"

"A lot of commotion over such a worthless opponent." The Vampire Dietrich stepped into place to face Sigment. "I hope you won't take your loss too badly, my friend."

"Save the cocky bullshit until you've actually won, will ya?"

"On the other side, we have a Vampire! He's on home turf here, a native-born to Berlin! But will that be enough? It's Dietrich Keinheeerz!"

"Okay, Ryū. Jihi Style."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, let the first match... BEGIN!"


Alright, that's done. I may wind up taking longer than I would have liked on Chapter Nine, but we'll see. Anyway, if you have a comment or a question, you know the drill. Jikai made!

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Wed Dec 25, 2013 10:35 pm

I apologize for keeping anyone waiting here. It's gotten a little more difficult to divide my time now that I've begun sketching. Anyway, let's start Chapter Nine.


Kurosai Chronicles

Chapter Nine: Clashing Blades Under a Moonless Sky
Part One: Warrior of Darkness and Trickery

The blare of a horn rang out through the arena as the match started. However, Sigment did not move at all. His opponent seemed confused by this, as if charging him head on was supposed to be a given action. "Do your legs not work anymore, Human? Or perhaps you are paralyzed with fear?" A smirk worked its way across his face as he continued. "That is what it is, isn't it? You have become scared out of dem Kopf!" Dietrich smiled, laughing as he relished the idea.

So much so that he failed to notice that his opponent was now behind him.

The audience cried out in shock and amazement as Sigment let out a kick that sent Dietrich across the arena. Sigment watched as the Vampire recovered, trying to comprehend what had just happened. "Was ist das...? You were in front of me the entire time! No mere Human is that fast!" He regained his footing, pulling out the daggers that Jaeger had mentioned. "This will not... happen again..."

Dietrich closed the distance between them, swinging his daggers over and over without hitting the swordsman. The entire arena watched as a man with one eye covered dodged strike after strike from all directions. "Was zum Teufel sind Sie?!" He leaped back, seeming to have realized that this tactic was useless. Putting away his daggers, he brought his hands together and began to chant in his race's tongue.

Little by little, the shadows spread throughout the arena began to come together, taking shape as a dark copy of their master. As both of them equipped their blades, Sigment began to unsheathe his sword. His opponent laughed once again as he saw the blunt edge of his blade before once again charging towards him. Now wielding his blade, Sigment alternated between dodging and blocking. With two opponents, it had now become more difficult to maneuver.

After a certain point, Dietrich sped up, leaving Sigment with only blocking as a defensive choice. As he continued his defense, the doppelgänger grabbed him from behind and immobilized him letting the last of its master's strikes cut across his chest. The Vampire put away his blades, a twisted grin on his face as he began to punch Sigment. "They said... we can't kill... our opponents." It wasn't long before blood began to stain Dietrich's gloves. "But that... doesn't mean... that I can't..." A solid blow to his stomach had Sigment coughing up more of his blood. "Bring you within an inch of your life!"

The shadow copy held Sigment up, preventing him from falling as Dietrich continued his strikes. After the final blow, the crowd watched as the copy released him, dissipating as he hit the ground. The Vampire listened as the announcer began to count down to the end of the match. Kneeling down, he picked up his opponent's head to whisper to him. "Anything to say before I win?"

A smile formed on Sigment's face as his eye opened. "I thought you'd hit harder..."

Sigment planted his fist, sweeping his legs around and into Dietrich's side. The strike once again sent the Vampire through the air, but this time Sigment followed him, striking again from the opposite direction with Ryū to send him up. As Dietrich reached the peak height of the launch, the swordsman reappeared, bringing his opponent to the ground with his sword.

The crowd roared in response to the sudden turnaround. As the dust cleared, Sigment stood over the defeated warrior as the announcer counted down. "Three! Two! One! That's it! The first match goes to Sigment Kurosaiii!" The swordsman sheathed his blade, turning around to exit the arena. "Take a rest, young warrior! You've earned it!"

"First Dietrich, now this guy... And people say I talk too much."

Sigment returned to his room to wash the blood from his face. Afterwards, he ate the food provided by the coliseum. As he finished his meal, Jaeger entered along with Sonya. "Apologies, sir. She insisted that she be brought to your room."

"It's fine, Jaeger. Could you leave us alone for a minute?" With a nod and a bow, he complied. Without a word, Sonya sat down next to Sigment. "So... you wanted to say something?"

"The hell's the matter with you?" His only response was a sigh. "In a place like this, you don't play around. You know as well as I do that you could have dealt with that shadow before it grabbed you."

"It was more for the crowd than anything."

"I think you, of all people, would not want to advertise yourself."

"I knew I could take the hits. To be honest, you hit a lot harder than he did." Sonya stared, maintaining a stern look but dropping the subject. "So... Who's next?"

"You're not up for a little while. Rest up while you have time to spare." Sonya left the room, being replaced by Jaeger. The Vampire switched on the monitor that keeps track of arena matches, and Sigment switched positions at the table to watch. Keeping track of the other competitors would help him know what he'd be up against for the rest of the tournament.

"Jaeger... let me know when I'm up next."


Phew... tired. Sorry that I took so long on this. Honestly, I think this could have come out better, but I'd appreciate other opinions on this. Not sure when I'll put out part two, since I'm juggling this and my sketchwork. There's not gonna be anything for a little while, at the least. With my family in town, spending time with them comes first.

Anyway, Here's hoping Part Two will not take too long. Jikai made!
Last edited by Sigment on Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:56 am

Glad to see you're still going at it! I'm still following your story. It's hard to make responses, because I'm also still working on my story. But during my off time I spend it reading other peoples'. I look forward to what comes next, as always. :D

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sun Jan 05, 2014 2:47 pm

I think you're guy might have striked a little too OP in the beginning. Plus it seemed like it moved a little fast during the end of the fight down to the end or this part of the chapter.

You want to talk more on this, I'm on Skype. But keep going with your story.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Thu Jan 16, 2014 3:14 am

I envy your ability to write action scenes!! Also, I can see your improvement in your writing as you continue, so keep on writing :)

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Thu Jan 16, 2014 6:49 pm

I appreciate the compliment, CK. Wasn't expecting anyone besides Blood or Bird to read this story. Well, and Freak, but he seems to have focused more on his comics lately.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sun Mar 02, 2014 9:32 am

Alright, I was going to private message this, but I decided to make a post instead. Basically I've gained a lot more experience in giving feedback that I feel more confident about it, to truly test it, I want to identify the once mentioned bit were there was a problem with Sigment's work and want to identify it and hopefully be a lot more helpful than what I was. So this is aimed at more being negative, but mostly because I already covered what's positive most about Sigment's work and as mentioned I'm more tracking the problem. Overall if anyone, especially Sigment feel I'm being unfair, incorrect or going to far, please do point out as I am a learner here just as much as Sigment (Ignoring our age gap)

So I've only given myself time to read the opening for now (I was wanting to read it in one go, but I've never been getting a chance and it makes me impatient as I want to see if I can do better). So yeah, chapter 1... This is where your meant to introduce us your characters... Not a lot is introduced. Arguably it is, because what you have is Sigment is obviously just an innocent playful little boy whose father has a high role among a village and you give the grand conflict of the story, a cliche one that involves vengeance against a beast which we do later on find out is more than just a beast. But the issue is that there's not a lot besides that.

The huge one is the demons. I just looked up in the dictionary (Which I didn't need to, but did anyways), demons are an evil wicked being... They're not. They only thing we really get from them is that you have dudes with horns and girls have long ears... anything else? The huge issue is that they've been in peace for 1,000yrs yet they distrust each other? Never explained. This form of hostility should've been brought up later when it could've been explained or done it during the opening because right now I'm scratching my head why they don't get on when it sounds like this is a pacifist world? Like I get that they're different, but this is the issue, why's that a big deal? Having the name demons give us the idea they're meant to be, well, demons, but it isn't exactly evil if the two races have somehow managed to stay in peace and the demons even consider rushing to the human's help, unless they were planning on running around giving mercy deaths.

So that's my hugest issue I've complained about. Next one is the taboo relationship. Again we get that the Karra and Sigment are friends, but how come they don't play games or hang out with other children, I'm sure children play the same games they do. It's definitely fair enough if you're saving to tell us later, but we need some kind of hint that makes them stand out to other children that would make them rather play with each other then them. Like just mention something like Sigment thought she was pretty, really playful or nice, something that gives us an idea why he's with Karra, otherwise the relationship is an ordinary relationship which again questions why they don't have one with others.

My final issue that I'm going to slam into is that this just doesn't sound like an original enough world because your calling games 'Hide and seek', calling time 'seconds' and days 'Saturday'. You can get away with nearly all of that (Except if you're being picky, then you can't with Saturday, as it's named after the Roman god Saturn, meaning Saturn would have to have existed in this world to avoid smart asses like me :grin: ), but it makes your world sound too much like ours hence removing the idea that this is in a unique fantasy world.

Overall the opening holds up, but it's issues like these that makes it unappealing for fantasy readers (Which this world is appealing for) as it's really unexplored and empty. It could use more world-building as well as characterization. Hope this is good anyways.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sun Mar 02, 2014 2:43 pm

I don't have time to answer all of your current concerns, Freak, so I'll go for what I believe you said was the main one: using the term Demons. While it is true that the term has, more often than not, referred to an evil race (usually in the service of Satan, the Devil, etc.), I have heard the term used occasionally to merely refer to a species or race separate of humanity.

I suppose an example of a "less-than-evil" Demon race would be "Shuffle!", though I will admit that I have not seen much of the anime myself, so I may be sounding like an idiot for bringing it up. While it makes sense for people to associate the term with evil entities, I tried to make it apply more in a sense of them being wary of humanity, and vice versa. I can partially explain the peace topic that way as well. "Peace" doesn't guarantee that minor hostilities will not occur between the people themselves, but rather that the racial governments are, for the most part, at an understanding and agree not to act with aggression (though looking back, it's more of a truce). By "1000 year peace", I meant that they have not been openly hostilities towards each other as a people and their government, but (even in our world) it is impossible to guarantee that a single member of one species won't bear some ill will towards the other.

I'll have to wait 'til later to answer more. But to be honest, I was a hell of a rookie when I started this (and I feel like I still am), and I'm not even sure how much farther I can go with this. Up 'til now, I've been doing this completely solo. I did all proofreading, editing and general evaluations myself. Guardian recently accepted an offer to be my editor, but I've been too stuck in a rut to have anything for him to edit. I appreciate what you're trying to do, Freak. Just keep in mind that this wasn't easy for me to get going in the first place.

Re: Sigment Kurosai: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: Ongoing

Sun Mar 02, 2014 3:28 pm

Doesn't matter if it was even your first time writing :D , if there's a person has wrong with it, he has something wrong with it. That isn't too say something is wrong with it, but whether it be master chief or just someone baking a pie for the first time, a person has his right to judge whether he thinks he didn't keep the pie in long enough (Probably a really bad metaphor, but hopefully gets the point across). In general though just because what I wrote was probably going a bit too far, I know you've got something here and you're really behind it, but fact's a fact you can't use experience as an excuse.

Fact remains that Demons still gives the impression they're evil, especially in a Western culture society (Your story is in English, so it's more often Western cultured people will be reading it rather than Anime which is made to appeal to the Eastern). You're better off giving them a new name so as we don't get the image of sadistic wicked creatures that contradicts how they're portrayed in the story. But you aren't an idiot for wanting to call them demons when they're nothing like demons, it's a common I saw on one forum where nearly every idea factory maker how a story involving demons that weren't so... demonish, I'm pretty sure I've done it at one point (Well I've written hundreds of stories, there's going to be a lot of common mistakes)
Also fact remains that how can they be hostile towards each other for 1,000yrs and yet be at peace for that long? Nothing is explained in the story, you have explained that to me now and that might work (Haven't fully thought it through because I'm on meds that make me slightly disorientated and tired and yes doing this review while under such conditions probably isn't wise, but F that) problem is that I don't know because you didn't involve it in the story. But then fact would remain how on contradicting the two villages are, they're supposedly close to each other, how can two races that have hostilities be so close without some kind of development? It's just hard to imagine when there's no hint or explanation in the story to allow you to get away with it. What's worse is again the demons actually consider on helping the humans during a very terrifying situation for both of them, it makes their race sympathetic and rids hostilities. Problem is that this relationship is told, not showed and showed a lot more better.

Re: Sigment: Kurosai Chronicles: Original work: On Hiatus

Fri Mar 28, 2014 12:59 am

Sadly, I'm putting Kurosai Chronicles on hiatus. I've been stuck in a bit of a rut for a while, and I don't want to leave people waiting on the story (assuming anyone even cares about it anymore) while I try to get myself out of it. I'm pushing forward on my sketchwork though, so you may see some art from me in the future. However, KC's out for a while until I can figure a few things out.
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