Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

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Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

Postby BalrogslayerZ » Sat Apr 05, 2014 6:32 am

Hello everyone, My name is Kom and this is my first time here in the literature section. It's been a year now since I first came to the web and I've been visiting SNAFU on a regular basis since. I spent my time here quite a lot, mostly reading PPGD, GT , sometimes I clicked into the forum section to kill time. Anyways, I just stumbled into this section of the forum just hours ago and decided to stick around a little. After I read a number of threads here, I found this place to be one interesting community and found myself wanting to join it. I've been writing some short stories on my free time, but didn't have a place to share it. Well I did posted some stuff on Wattpad but I didn't really check it as much as I do here, and since I'm going to be here for some time, I think I should give it a go.
Truthfully, I'm not much of a writer myself and my English is not that good, but I'm going to improve those shortcomings eventually. So please, if there's anything wrong with my grammatical structure, or if my story seemed weird to the point of incomprehension, don't hesitate to point it out, it would be greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy what I'm going to post here, and have a good day :grin:
Let the forbidden flame of old times, burn the ignorant to cinder. Let those who were forgotten, rise up again in number. Those who wronged us shall remember, that the light they worship is just an illusion. For that we who lurks in the dark, shall be the torches that brings their annihilation!
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Re: Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

Postby BalrogslayerZ » Sat Apr 05, 2014 6:43 am

The Fugitive


"Fear makes us feel our humanity." -Benjamin Disraeli, British politician, 1804-1881


A foul stench of blood ran through the air. In that dark and creepy room, a young boy hid behind a metal desk.

Still shocked about what happened just minutes ago, the boy found his body unresponsive to his wishes, and no matter how much he wanted to turn his gaze away from what's before him, he simply can't.

Fear struck him like lighting bolt, and for the first time since he entered the facility 5 years ago, he felt vulnerable. The boy started to shiver, his mind couldn't take the stress and he could feel it breaking apart, but ironically, what kept him from breaking was the gruesome view infront of him.

His brown eyes were set on a body of his father laid in a pool of blood, the smell in that room was horrid, but what his eyes reflected topped the list of the most traumatizing thing he ever saw that night.

His eyes were not wet, his cheeks wasn't red, there was nothing inside his head, everything seemed hollow, even the smell didn't seemed to trouble him anymore. The boy couldn't remember what happened before his father died, the last thing he remembered before he found himself under the metallic desk was two men dressed in black, with guns in their hands.

He tried to recollect his memories, tried to piece what happened together, but suddenly, the door on the far side of the room opened and two men walked in. The boy remembered them vividly, they were in a bloodstained black suit with guns in their hands, finally he regained the ability to control his body, he stopped shivering as soon as the murderers started to move in.

The men in suits scoured the room furiously but they didn’t see the boy behind the desk. They were frustrated, not only because they couldn’t find the boy, but because they can’t stand the stench from the dead bodies they left on the ground. The boy sat still, hoping those murderers wouldn't find him and quickly leave, as he covered in fear, he overheard their conversation;

“Where the hell is he? We can’t let any test subjects escape or Carter’s going to hang us from the damn tower.”

One of the men turned around furiously, trying to find the boy among the bodies littered on the floor.

“I can’t see anything in this darkness. That maggot must have died in the blast along with others. Let’s just take the rest of the kids and get outta here; Carter would want a full report as soon as possible. And I don’t wanna be greeted by any other nasty surprises these eggheads may have had in store. Ugh, the smells….I think I’m gonna puke.”

The other men said in disgust, the smells forced him to close his nose.

“Alright, let’s get the hell outta here. Call for reinforcements and let’s go back to HQ.”

The murderers left shortly afterward; but the boy still couldn't move an inch, as if whatever courage he once had were gone. As he covered behind that bloodstained steel desk, he slowly regained the memory of the events that transpired.........

He remembered his father taking him beyond the facility's gate 5 years ago. Back then his body was very weak and he remembered going to the hopital on a weekly basis, and his bad luck reached its peak when he was hit by a bus right infront of his home. The circumstances forced his father to take him from Manhattan where he was born to this medical facility.

His father was the lead scientist of the facility and put him in solitary containment unit in order to provide the best care for his condition. The scientists performed tests on him but it was not so intrusive, the new life under the dome was quiet and peaceful. He remembered he saw many children outside his chamber, they were patients like him, but the scientist prohibited him from meeting them.

One day, his father took him to a big white room for another test, he couldn’t remember what happened after that, but when he woke up again, his father was sitting right beside him. The boy could remember clearly, his father expressed relief….but despite the joyful face he saw, there was something else, something similar to regret.

After that day, he was allowed to approach other children, he made many friends and he was happy. But as time passed, he began to notice some of his friends were disappearing from the common room. The scientists explained that they were sent home because their conditions have already been improved. Everything was fine until this evening….until those men came.

With no warning or any sign, those men opened fire on everything that moved, his father took him back to his room, but he was mercilessly shot by the murderers from the back, his father managed to hide him under the table before succumbing to his wound.

The boy eventually managed to muster enough courage to get up and leave the room. Before he left however, he made sure his father died with his eyes closed, even if it was an unmarked grave.

He got out of the room and found the facility burning down and the floor littered with dead scientists, but strangely enough, other children…his childhood friends were nowhere to be found. He was shocked at the gruesome scenery but he kept his sanity in check and ran to the exit as fast as he could.

It was raining hard outside, but he could see the light from the cars those murderers used to get to the shelter, several more lights quickly approached his location from the main road,he knew the murderers were on to him, and his only home is burning to the ground right behind his back. He made a split second decision and ran out of the facility he once called home into the pine forest nearby.

His eyes were filled with tears, but it was not of sadness…it was filled with rage. He kept running and never turned back. He kept running until his legs bloodied, until exhaustion took him down. He reached the edge of the forest, and before him is a grass plain.

He collapsed, exhausted from the running. The last thing he saw hat day was a group of men, dressed in black robe approaching him; he closed his eyes, and embraced the inevitable.

He woke up again on a bed; it wasn’t his family home in Manhattan or the familiar bed at the facility. He looked around, trying to get a sense of where he is. Suddenly, a middle-aged man walked into the room and sit by him. Startled, he tried to escape but he was too weak to move.

The mysterious man wore the same black robe the boy saw last night, his face was marked with large scars and he was wearing an eye patch on his right eye. The remaining eye he had was green, but his gaze was like that of a man who survived through all the wars in this world put together, it was an eye of a killer. However, this middle aged man wasn’t as menacing as his looks suggest, he welcomed the boy with a smile on his face.

“Hey kid, how’re you doing? You got us worried last night when you collapsed at that field.”

The mysterious man greeted the boy, offering him a glass of water.

“I’m feeling better…thanks, but where….am I?”

The boy looked around nervously, trying to get a sense of where he was.

“You’re at our small village just out of town around the forest, we saw you running away from the Enlightenment Project facility last night.”

“My home!!! Is it……..did anyone?”

He turned to his savior, his heart raced with the expectation of good news.

“I’m sorry kid…we tried to save your friends but we were too late, the scientist were all dead and other children were nowhere to be found. Whoever did that were professional killers, mercenaries, they even managed to turn off the security drones. Those bastards blew up every damn thing in the living quarters and sealed the facility…..but we took care of most of them and brought you back here.”

The boy has already accepted the possibility that he’s a sole survivor from the whole ordeal….but the shock hasn’t worn off yet. He remained silent, lost in his thoughts, and then tears start to come out from his eyes. The man who saved him hugged him, trying to comfort him.

“It’s alright, you’re not alone. You’re safe now and no matter what happens from now on, I will always protect you. What’s your name?”

“Garret….my name is Garret Lowell.”

“Garret huh, you can call me Salazar. Come, let’s go to the village, I’ll get you something nice to eat.”

Salazar smiled to Garret, and for the first time since he left the bloodstained table, the boy felt safe from harm.

Salazar took Garret out of the room and into the village, and there he raised the boy as his own brother. In time, Garret started to trust his savior, and he finally feels the sense of belonging he once had. But no matter how hard he tried to start a new life, he could never forget the bloodshed, the pain, the screams of his childhood friend and family. The life he once knew was gone; it was taken away by those murderers.

But he will live on with the new life he was given. For he remembered clearly what he swore to himself that day he ran away, with eyes filled with rage and tears;
No matter what happens, he will live on. And no matter what people say, he will find those murderers who took everything he ever loved from him, and put them to justice. One way, or another.
Let the forbidden flame of old times, burn the ignorant to cinder. Let those who were forgotten, rise up again in number. Those who wronged us shall remember, that the light they worship is just an illusion. For that we who lurks in the dark, shall be the torches that brings their annihilation!
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Re: Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Sat Apr 05, 2014 10:57 am

Hey-ho, do hope you enjoy yourself around here. I do enjoy the Art and Literature section here, you make great friends and people who provide great help and support.

Read through your work anyways and it's impressive if you have English problems and yet you have better English than some of the stories I read. It does require some getting use to as sometimes what you write is inconsistent, contradictory and scattered a bit. Below are some examples, there probably would've been more, but I didn't mean to pull out this much lol . But don't worry most of them aren't proper English mistakes and there's only one English mistake that I point out here, but are more preferences to how I would've written it.

Still shocked about what happened just minutes ago, the boy found his body unresponsive to his wishes, Wishes is too friendly a word to go with what's a dark and suspenseful scene. I'd take out the 'to his wishes' all together really (I'm a word cutter fanatic, I cut out words that I think are not needed).

Fear struck him like lighting bolt, Typo! Sorry but pointing out typos make me feel smart.

what kept him from breaking was the gruesome view infront of him. You bring up that there's something horrible in front of him twice from a short space from each other. It's like saying he couldn't a moment ago, gets distracted by something and then all of a sudden is looking back at the thing and can't turn away from it again. Unless that's what happens (In which case make it clearer), I'd remove one of the times you mention this.

His brown eyes were set on a body of his father laid in a pool of blood You give us a random piece of information that provides nothing to the story which is that he has brown eyes. Unless it's a hint or is an important later (Such as when he looks at blood his eyes turn brown). But the thing is that you give us information about his eye colour and then you tell us his daddy's dead. I think really if you want to tell us he has brown eyes (Which you don't need to unless it's important to the story), have it in a separate sentence.

reflected topped the list of the most traumatizing thing he ever saw that night. For a nightmarish incident for him, i doubt he'd be be going through the other traumatizing scenes in his head and ranking which ones are scariest. Really I think you'd say these was the most traumatizing scene he had scene or something like that.

there was nothing inside his head Sorry but this is more humorous than adding to the suspense.

They were frustrated, not only because they couldn’t find the boy, but because they can’t stand the stench from the dead bodies they left on the ground. Perspective problem here. Right now your telling the story from the boys mind cause that's generally how perspectives work (I do hate perspectives though, I really do). Unless you're doing this from third perspective then you wouldn't be telling what was going on inside people's heads in general. So really you'd just say they're perspective and at most you'd make it clear that this was the main character guessing what the other characters were thinking, but besides that you'd just say, 'They were frustrated'.

quickly leave, as he covered in fear, Earlier you mentioned he stopped shivering, this gives the impression that the boys stops being scared as it's pretty hard to just to stop yourself shivering just because of well, you can and especially how you continue to explain how much fear he's in. So yeah.

“Alright, let’s get the hell outta here. Call for reinforcements and let’s go back to HQ.” Call for reinforcements just as you're falling back?

he made sure his father died with his eyes closed, This is all meant to be shocking and traumatizing and yet this kid has the ability to go up to his dead Father who was killed in front of him, whilst his murderers are still gun-hoing inside the building, probably not far from him and then close his eyes.... I'll buy it I guess, but wanted to point out that I find it hard to imagine a kid doing that.

That's most of the writing issues I have, again they're personal issues that some people might disagree with, but ah well, I'm learning myself and some of them are preferences where other people might have other preferences. It's pretty good writing though.
As for the story, I have to say it's unimpressive. Thus far we have escaped subject thus far, that's all we get and that's all we've got so far. It's far too generic and uninteresting. It has all the basic remedies that are seen far too often in this sort of scenario. The test subject escapes against all odds, what went on there is a mystery and the test subject is horribly scarred from the experience. It's thus far boring with really interesting murderers. The story itself gets into too much about how the character wants to wet himself and everything's just too bland because it's focuses so much on the sudden destruction of the medical facility, which is normally a lab or military base, but is still a usual remedy of the escaped subject.
So while I have faith in your writing, the story I thus far don't have faith in.

Hope this is helpful and do continue writing.
Anyone want ta take look at my own comic?

http://walrusm3.deviantart.com/

The art's quite modest, but I'm told the story's fun.
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Re: Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

Postby BalrogslayerZ » Sat Apr 05, 2014 11:40 am

Wow....thanks man!! As I said, I'm not that good at writing yet so this is very helpful. Thanks for the advice :D
Let the forbidden flame of old times, burn the ignorant to cinder. Let those who were forgotten, rise up again in number. Those who wronged us shall remember, that the light they worship is just an illusion. For that we who lurks in the dark, shall be the torches that brings their annihilation!
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Re: Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

Postby BalrogslayerZ » Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:07 am

A New life

"A cornered rat will bite the cat"


Several years later, after that fateful night………..



Garret was taken in by Salazar, a villager who found him lying at the grass field. After spending a year only inside his room looking at the villagers out of fear, he began to notice their strange habits. Once every month, when the full moon rises, they will organize a festival and pray to the full moon up in the sky.

At first, Garret thought it was impractical to believe in such things as the moon lady when Neil Armstrong proved that there’s no such thing up there but gray space rocks, and he's in the company of madmen and cultists. However, after he took a closer look at the villager's behavioral patterns, how they speak, how they live their life, that he understood that all these was just a ruse. After that point of realization, and having thrown away his prejudice, Garret found the courage to speak to them.

To his surprise, the villagers he was afraid to meet at first were all friendly to him,. They all welcomed him with open arms and smiling face, as if he was their long-lost family member returning from war. Garret learned many things from them, from primitive hunting skills to advanced mathematics. Garret was astonished at the level of intelligence the villagers possess, and began to think that what he thought from the very beginning was all wrong. He eventually went to find answers from Salazar, who told him that some of these villagers came from very different places. Some were scientists, war veterans, even some were criminals who wanted to redeem themselves. And that in order to remain undetected by the men in suits, the same ones that destroyed Garret's home, they had to pose themselves as a community of Moon-worshipping cultist that no one dared tread around.

As time passed, Garret became one of the most promising members of the village; he was proficient in hunting as much as using his wits, and after he single handedly defeated a wild jaguar that tried to eat a little boy with only stones and carved spear, he was hailed as a hero by everyone in the village.

The peace and company he experienced through the years changed how he saw the world, little by little, he began to lost the hatred and thirst for vengeance. Eventually, Garret found himself drown in the pleasure of peace and all he wanted to do was protecting his newfound family rather than going after the murderers who destroyed his home.....until that day.

It was a quiet and rainy day when Garret and his team of hunters went on a skirmish. He and his fellow hunters had planned a trap for a big wild boar that has been sighted around the nearby pine forest. Garret was meant to be the leader of the hunt, the coordinator between the trap groups and kill team. But he decided to help with the trap group instead and let the others take charge. He was coupled with another girl who would place the traps while others keep any troublesome predators out of the vicinity.

“Hey, you finished with the trap yet?”

Garret asked his partner, who has been fidgeting around her specially designed trap for quite some time.

“Need a few minutes, don’t worry, if there’s anything coming this way I’ll know it.”

“Sure hope so…..hey, you know anything about the boar we’re looking for?”

“Well, he’s warm-blooded, big, looks like a pig with messy fur, and would be as delicious as his kin”

She said in a sarcastic tone and smiled at him.

“Right……”

“Hah, just kidding. Well, he’s big….bigger than ordinary boar. Salazar told me that this big boy would be able to feed us for a whole week or something.”

“We could just trap a bear instead. I heard that they’re delicious.”

“With carved spears and primitive traps? Nope, we wouldn’t be able to scratch anything bigger than a jaguar, excluding the one that you killed ever so heroically of course. Actually, I’m having a hard time thinking how we would bring this giant boar down with this toy weapon, when we have a big ass armory that housed everything from a handgun to a rocket launcher sitting around unused.”

His partner said in an annoyed voice while trying to set the trap properly.

“Sometimes I wonder that myself……wouldn't we be better off being something else than a moon-worshiping cult? I mean it’s like 2025 now, at least we could at least be something like traders or mercenaries or something else. That way our quality of life would be better, right?”

“Yup, but that would draw even more attention to us and that would fail our main objective right? I personally think this untouchable moon-worshiping cultist gig is working out quite fine, since nobody wanted to come close to us at all."


"Well, that's the problem isn't it? if we could establish a trade route with the city nearby, we wouldn't have to be out here, in the rain, hunting for a wild boar..."

"Hey.....don't you remember that Salazar told us that we need to remain undetected all the time? That is, if we don't want the men in suits to find and kill us all.”

“Yeah…..them"


Even though 3 years has passed, Garret couldn't forget what happened that night, he can still hear the screams and see the bloodshed clearly everytime he closes his eyes. But he made up his mind not to live in the past, he was given a new chance at life by his friends at the village, and what he wanted to do was keep them safe. He noticed his partner has finished setting up her trap and decided to learn more about her.

"I'm Garret by the way, what's your name?"

"Oh come on, that's how you introduce yourself? you say it as if no one in the village know you. Look, after that fiasco with the jaguar, everyone know who you are."

"Well......thanks? but you still didn't answer my question, Wisecracker"

His partner let out a short laugh

"Wisecracker? that's the best you could come up with? really?"

"Well....yeah, but come on, don't leave me in suspense, tell me you name"

"Alright, alright. My name is....wait, here he comes, let's get outta here before he see us"

"Who? Who's coming, I don't see anyone."

Garret was confused, he was wondering if she had hit her head when she was born, or if this is just another joke.

"The boar!! He's on his way here!!, come on you slowpoke, get out of the range!!"

"What, how did you...."

"Just move, come on!"

The trap was set, Garret believed in the girl's word even though he was skeptical of how she claim to have seen their prey through all the trees, but all his doubts were dissolved after he heard a loud squeal coming from the trap site.



"Hah, I told you he's coming that way, come on, let's get him"

The girl speaks joyfully, her yellow eyes were sparkling.

"How.....I couldn't even see him"

"Hey, I may not be able to kill a jaguar by myself, but I have other talents, come on!"

They got to the trap site and signaled the kill team, Garret was in awe of the size of the boar, it was huge and covered in fur. The boar was bleeding from having its leg snapped in half from the trap, Garret could feel its pain and decided to end its suffering before the kill team could get into place.

"Nice job Wisecracker, your trap worked perfectly"

"Told ya I have other talents. Alright, enough with me being wise cracker, my name is....."

Before the girl could utter anymore words, a tree branch beside them broke down and revealed giant grizzly bear growling at them. Garret and his partner was startled and started to back away from the bear. They kept their carved spear infront of them just in case.


"Hey, maybe we could play dead? he wouldn't see us right?" The girl whispers to Garret while trying to find a way out.

"I thought you said you would know if anything comes into our way, how did you not see this giant, angry, grizzly bear sitting on its ass right beside us all this time?"

"Hey, I didn't say I could see everything right? and I didn't even bother to look because I thought the kill team would drive it away already.....hey what the hell is he doing to our dinner!!!?"

The bear ignored them and moved on to the dead boar, it was about to have a feast when the girl threw her carved spear at it. The spear fell off its skin like paper, not even a scratch could be seen on it. But the girl kept throwing rock and stone at the bear until suddenly, it stopped moving toward the dead boar and started to growl at them.

"Uh....he looks angry."

"Of course he is, how would you feel if people throw rocks at you dammit!"

"What? are you going to let this thing eat our dinner? I spent a lot of time designing that trap and I wasn't about to let this lazy furball eat all of my prey"

The bear started to approach them, Garret and his partner stopped bickering as soon as the bear let out a loud roar to their face.

“Holy shit!!! Run!!!”

“Dammit, now you pissed him off, where's the kill team ,did you even signal them?”

“Shut up! Just run!!”

They were forced to flee, and theyran as fast as they could toward the rendezvous point, until the girl tripped on a tree root. The bear was closing in, and there's no time to call for help, Garret rushed in to her help with only a carved spear, he stood between the giant bear and his friend.



"Go back, go back!! I'll give you the boar, just go back!!"

Garret tried to drive the bear back with the spear, but it kept coming closer.

"You know he couldn't understand you right?"

"Can't you keep quiet even for a minute? just run you idiot!!"

"Ow.....touche. Hey!! look out!!" she screamed as the bear ran on its four legs at Garret.

The bear charged at Garret with its full force. It's sheer brute strength broke his carved spear…..and half of his ribs in one strike; Garret fell right beside his friend. The girl threw her more rocks at the bear, hoping the pain will force it to run away, but all she managed to do was anger it even more.

"Stop throwing rocks dammit!! *cough* it will just anger it even more"

"Oh and you have a better idea? please oh please, enlighten me.....wait, is that blood comng from your mouth?"


"I'll be fine, I just need to...get *cough* up"

"Stay down, you'll make it worse!!"

Garret realized his body was once again unresponsive, he can feel his lungs being punctured deeper and deeper with every breath he takes. His vision began to haze, and before he knew it, the bear was already standing right before him and his friend. The girl tried to drag him away, but the bear caught up to them and ram them into the nearby tree. The bear walks toward them and was about the deliver the final blow to the girl.

"Wisecracker!! Hey!! Wake up, he's on to you!!!"

Garret yelled at his partner, who seemed to be enjoying her sleep. The bear was getting closer and closer. He had no choice but to draw its attention way from his friend. He threw a nearby rock at the bear, the diversion worked and the bear walked toward him. As it approaches his bloodied body, the bear raises its huge paws and claws, ready to strike him down once and for all. Garret panicked and tried to run, only to realize that his body was still paralyzed by the last attack.

"Oh shit.....no...go away!! go away!!"

Garret could only held out his hand in fear , but suddenly, he felt a strange sensation coming from the inside, he felt his lungs and ribcages relocated to the original places. He felt a tingling sensation of electricity coursing throughout his body, and in a swift motion, his hand let out a sphere of electric pulse to the bear in front of him. Garret was shocked, he sat there in disbelief, as the bear that would've killed him was sent flying through the forest.

After he regained the ability to move, Garret crawled his way to his partner, who's still recovering from the concussion, as he made his way to her, he noticed his eyesight was failing yet again, and everything fades to black. The last thing he heard was the yelling from the kill team and his new friend Wisecracker, and then there was only silence.
Let the forbidden flame of old times, burn the ignorant to cinder. Let those who were forgotten, rise up again in number. Those who wronged us shall remember, that the light they worship is just an illusion. For that we who lurks in the dark, shall be the torches that brings their annihilation!
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Re: Balrogslayerz: The Fugitive: PG-13:Original work

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Fri Apr 11, 2014 4:37 am

An okay chapter I guess. While the ending was pretty interesting and the bear chase was okay. The problem I found with the bear chase was because of the old fashion struggle some people have with action scenes. When writing action scenes they normally should be fast-paced (You don't have to, there's no rule and some people do do better not writing their action scenes fast paced, but it's often the case people will recommend you do). That means not using as many words and not focusing on so much, plus the duo have too much of a conversation while dealing with this bear.
My bigger issue is is the story problem, where I find it hard to imagine scientists, war veterans and for some reason criminals (Regardless if they do want to redeem themselves, that's why we have a justice system). Trying to ignore the criminal issue, the fact that they're disguising themselves as moon cultist... isn't smart. Sorry, but it's like if Al Capone thought a great way of getting away from the cops was to fly to Hawaii and pretend to be one of the natives and sounds just as crazy if he brought all the other mob bosses just because they're trying to escape to. Imagine the police tracking them, they'd only need to find one trail and bam, they hit the jackpot. What's more, pretending to be moon cultists? Sorry, but that doesn't exactly keep people away. You've got people that study cultures and societies who'd want to get in on their society and study them, also got tourists who'd want to witness these moon cultist festivals. I don't even see why the people tracking them wouldn't even look there to see if someone they were tracking was hiding amongst their people.
You can keep with the idea if you wish, but I'm not with it sorry.
I also find the relationship okay, there's nothing special so far to make me get into it. They've become quick friends after a cheerful conversation and now the main character protected her okay... but it sounds too cliche. Could just be me, but there's certainly nothing wrong with, just know that I'm fully behind it either.
I'd get into the story more, but I just found out my bloodcount's low from the chemo, so that's why I'm incredibly tired and it's rather depressing. But I am trying my best here, mainly because I do like trying to help people.
Anyways, here's a list of things I picked up while reading your work.

Once every month, when the full moon rises, they will organize a festival and pray to the full moon up in the sky. You have two full moon too close to each other that creates repetition. Really I'd take out the 'when full moon rises' completely as it's contributes nothing to the story, being that the following one does the same effect but has the rest of the information you're giving.

However, after he took a closer look at the villager's behavioral patterns, how they speak, how they live their life, that he understood that all these was just a ruse. Could've just said it was just a ruse.

they had to pose themselves as a community of Moon-worshipping cultist that no one dared tread around. Why?

he began to lost the hatred Re-read the sentence :)

Even though 3 years has passed Thought it was 7yrs?

? you say it as if no one in the village know you Another huge problem, you seem to hate giving capitals after question marks. Question marks is an upgraded full stop, so should always be followed with a capital letter.

it was huge and covered in fur I assume most boars are, plus the character was aware it was covered in fur, so how's this awing?

Before the girl could utter anymore words, a tree branch beside them broke down and revealed giant grizzly bear growling at them. The fact that her speech is cut off, you don't have to mention 'Before the girl could utter anymore words'. Because this is meant to be a sudden action, mentioning that doesn't make it so sudden and takes away from the impact.

Hope this does help.
Anyone want ta take look at my own comic?

http://walrusm3.deviantart.com/

The art's quite modest, but I'm told the story's fun.
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