KidFunny: Project Punk:PG-13:Original Work:Ch.1

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KidFunny: Project Punk:PG-13:Original Work:Ch.1

Postby KidFunny » Fri May 04, 2012 3:59 am

Sup guys i haven't posted here in a while thought i'd give it another shot with another of my original works.

background stuff: So this is a story about how a kid moves in with his uncle when his life gets flipped and turned upside down. Let me take a second, just sit right there, I'm going to tell you how he became The Prince of Bel-Air.

Seriously though it's about a kid whose life go crazy after meeting his "uncle'.
Alright story time.

"I'm going to be honest with you uncle Abil, i hate my life."

"C'mon Christopher life's too short to be depressed all the time, besides its your birthday, not everyday you hit the big two-zero".

"I guess uncle, i mean do you think my parents would be proud of me? I'm 20 and i have yet to finish my associates degree, I mean Hikari down the street is about to get her Bachelors and she just turned 18!"

" Forget Hikari! she just overcompensates because she has sad boobs."

"Uncle!"

"What she does! i mean they're sad like a puppy with cancer sad."

"They're pretty sad, it's like watch that scene in I AM LEGEND where will Will Smith has to kill his dog sad."

"Girlfriend leaving you for your bestfriend sad".

" Nicholas Sparks movie sa..... what are we talking about?!"

"Our 18 year old neighbors depressing chest".

"Uncle how's that suppose to make me feel any better?"

"All mournful, change in a sock, tit jokes aside Chris, don't worry about life, your meant for bigger greater things than a associates in computer science."

"General Studies."

"What?"

"My degree, it's general studies."

" Wow that is pretty sad, anyway, my point being is your destined for greatness. Someday you'll leave your mark on the world. Who knows maybe it starts today."

" Thanks uncle, i'm going for a walk clear my head."

"Be careful Chris, i've heard of rumors of military occupation in the area."

"Uncle it's 2224 im sure people have more sense than to listen to rumors."

"Just be careful wouldn't want another call girl incident."

"what?"

"Nevermind, take this just to be safe."

Abil handed Chris an old laser pistol.

"Whatever."

As Chris walked out the door he couldn't help but think about what his uncle said, " Someday you'll leave your mark on the world." "But how?" Chris thought to himself. "How is a 20 year old kid suppose to leave their mark on the world, especially in Muzen City?"
As he rounded the corner Chris, is suddenly shoved by a man who seems to be running for his life.

"HEY WATCH WHERE YOU RUNNING ASSHOLE!"

"THEY'RE COMING FOR ME! GET OUT OF MY WA.. \!"

Before he could finish his line the man was shot in the back of the head, pieces of brain hit the side of Chris's cheek.

"Target neutralized, returning to cam.. HEY YOU! What do you think your doing outside of camp!"

Fear and shock of the man's death froze Chris in place. The patrolling officer, who was wearing what seemed like black knight armor from the 12th century only more streamlined, walks over toward Chris

" I asked you a question shitbrains."

"I...I... don't live in a camp sir, i actually stay down the road from here."

"Well look at this, shitbrains can talk, what's your name shitbrains."

"My names Chris Treborn, limpdick."

"What'd you call me shitbrains?!? How about i see how much shit you carry in the head of your you son of a bi.. wait Chris Treborn."

The guard stood there contemplating.

"Your under arrest." the guard finally said.

"For what!?!" Chris confusingly exclaimed.

"For the murder of that civilian."

"I saw you shoot him as he was turning the corner!"

"oh no, your resisting arrest, i guess i can use lethal force." The guard slyly smirked as he pulled out his electron pistol.

before the crooked officer had time to point the gun at Chris, Chris pulled out his Laser pistol and shot the officer in the face, right before making a sprint toward his uncles workshop.

" MY FACE AHHH!!!!"

the guard speaks into his walkie talkie through the pain.

"Officer hit! Commander Adamson I found a Chris Treborn due south of camp #0231, he seems to be heading towards a Abil Repair Shop, send a medic."

"Good work soldier someone send a medic to him ASAP, i'll take care of Mr. Treborn personally."

Chris burst through the door frantically looking for his uncle.

"UNCLE! UNCLE! HELP IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!!"

Abil comes running through the main shop.

"What is it?!?! did Hikari try to show you her mournful boobs!?!"

"Worse! i was being arrested by some armor-clad bastard who was trying to frame me for a murder he committed!"

"Armor-clad? was it black?"

"Yea and he had this new looking pistol something I've never seen before, everything about him seemed so futuristic."

"They've found us quick follow me."

"Wait whose found us, uncle?"

As Chris followed his uncle, Abil led him into a secret room right behind the main shop. As he uncovered a huge round portal like device.

"Whats this uncle, some kind of teleporting portal machine? what if we get attacked by a boy who goes ghost or a giant floating jellyfish that shoots fireballs out of it's mouth or worse, eye robots....from the moon!"

"Quit the crap Chris, first off I'm not your uncle."

"what?!?"

"Just listen i know this may sound crazy but, i'm actually an older clone of you and that guy who tried to arrest you was being led by another one of your clones, my brother, Kaine Adamson. We aren't from this time, in fact you won't be born for another 4000 something years. You were the last pure strain human being in all of existence to be born and you are the key figure into leading humanity into the next step of mankind."

"Wait what?"

"Listen, your name isn't Chris Treborn, it's Adam, me and Kaine were cloned from an older you, a you who helped lead humanity into the next stage of life, to maintain the timeline to ensure you save humanity. Only time is easily influenced and Kaine sought to abuse his power as a Chrono-fluxer and tried to take power for himself. It was impossible to stop him because he had power over time and the older you was lost after the Great Exodus of Humanity, so it was up to me to stop him. I thought bringing you back in time and stopping you from from being cloned would cause Kaine to cease to exist, the only reason im here is because of my flux watch which helps me stay in the space-time continuum."

".............Suppose what you're saying isn't crazy and i'm he last hope for humanity, what dos Kaine want from me?"

a shady figure approaches from the corridor .

"More than you can imagine..... Father."

The figure emerged from the shadows a tall man almost 6'5 with a muscular build and slicked back hair. Covered from the neck down in a metallic black armor with a long red caped elegantly draped over his shoulders, this man was Kaine the power hungry clone of Adam and brother of Abil.

"Who the hell are you!" Adam shouted.

"Come now is that anyway to treat your favorite son father?"

"I don't even know you, your men killed a man in cold blood, how am i suppose to favor the leader of coldblooded killers?!" Adam retorted.

" Kaine you haven't changed a bit your still a two-bit power hungry killer this is why the older Adam favored me!"

"HOW DARE YOU! the only reason father favored you was because you whispered lies into his ears while i worked for his favor. Lucky for me Father came back and cloned me once more to stop your treacherous ways Abil."

"He came back....to clone you? why didn't he contact me? Where is he now?" Abil questioned frantically.

"Isn't it obvious dear brother? I AM HiS FAVORITE SON!" Kaine exclaimed pridefully.

"Will see ...dear brother." Abil cynically said.

"Father, i mean Adam, get into the portal i set the coordinates to a safer place and someone who can help us."

"What about you Abil?" Adam worriedly asked.

"Don't worry about me we both share the same genetic make up we]re pretty even just go i'll be fine."

".......Take this, just to be safe."

Adam handed Abil he same laser pistol he got from him earlier.

"Wouldn't want another call girl incident would we Abil?"

Both Adam and Abil smirked. Adam entered the portal to an unknown location wishing his new found son good luck.

"Where were we brother?" Abil taunted Kaine.

Kaine simply smiled and motioned Abil to bring it.

Abil picked up a nearby wrench and sung at Kaine. Kaine stopped the blow by grabbing Abil's arm midswing. Caught, Kaine punched into Abil's side breaking his left ribs. Kaine continued punching into Abil's side, Abilstarted coughing up blood from his punctured lung. Abil managed to raise the laser pistol into Kaine's face and fire off a couple shots, only to his horror to see Kaine shrug off the blast and regenerate the burns on his face.

"You like it brother? Father granted me more power, i am able to shrug off mortal wounds. I AM AKIN TO A GOD!!" Kaine exclaimed ever so pridefully.

"Your a monster." Abil weakly retorted.

"Your but a mortal compared to my god-like powers!"

"Even gods die."

Kaine infuriated, head-butted Abil until Abil was barely conscious.

"I will break you brother." Whispered to the barely conscious Abil.

Kaine raised Abil into the air with both hands, Abil trying desperately to break free went into shock as Kaine drove his knee into Abil's spine.

"AAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHHH!!!!!!!!" Abil cried out in pain.

"Where are your gods now Abil!, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kaine threw Abil's lifeless body against the room and walked over the the portal.

"We'll meet again soon father."

he entered new coordinates for the portal.

"Soon."
End Ch.1

What did you guys think should i keep going or should i just stop? i hope you guys like it leave a comment.

Take it easy reader ~Kid F.
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Re: KidFunny: Project Punk:PG-13:Original Work:Ch.1

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Mon May 07, 2012 11:46 am

Right, I stopped reading this up to the point the uncle when they found us. I'm going to have to be very-very-oh and very brutally honest with you that this may hurt, so unless you can stomach feedback like this, I advise you don't read this.

Start off with, you have a good sense of when to use speech tags, although could do with a little more work and you have somewhat good dialogue. But that's as much positive stuff as I can really say- the rest, sorry, but everything else, well this is the part I don't hold back. Sorry but I do this to help you, being that I believe you have the potential to be a very good writer and I don't like to waste time on giving this very harsh kind of feedback on those who don't have it. So do listen, I'm not saying this stuff, because I think your work shouldn't have been born, I hate you or I'm plain mean (Well, I'm possibly very mean, but hey- it's justified)

First off, there is little to no description about this world, not even the house, we don't even know it's a house until this apparent police who is running amok killing people say otherwise. We need to be brought into this world otherwise where just seeing characters in this very-very blank world. We're also not given very much build up or connection to the characters, you just throw us into the action, not really feeling sorry for if either of the characters are killed. Actually I'd be rooting that, why? Well unless they feel all girls with boobs they don't like need to be burned on stakes or are jealous of how well she's doing, I fail to understand how they can be incredibly mean and harsh to Hikari and poke fun about her tits like a pair of hyena bullies and I don't care if it's behind her back, that's the point of how incredible harsh these to are. And what the F? The uncle hands his nephew a las pistol? Apparently the kid's unfamiliar with unfuturistic stuff, so why's he not gawking at this, does he even know how to use it. Further more, is anyone concerned someone just got handed a gun, why a gun, if it's to do with a military camp nearby, what use will that do? Blow his own head off before the soldiers machine gun him from all sides? Heck what's his Uncle doing with it anyhows, doesn't seem like a safe place to raise your nephew in, either that or he was hoping for this occasion to hand a pistol into someone's hand and chase after bullies with it.

And what the F is with this police force, are they police force from the time the characters in. If not, how does he know they're police? I ask you? Are they even proper law enforcement? I know we Brits have some of the worse police forces ourselves, but who goes around in day light shooting people and framing those standing next to them. If these are police from the sametime period, I'm surprised this character is not aware of what corrupt (And very dumb) officers they have.

Besides some story criticism, which really are just opinions and can be brushed aside, at least listen to this. You tell far too little, but you also occasionally tell too much (Examples below), don't eva' use numbers like 14, you use words like fourteen and again you still need practice on speech tags.
Below is a list of notes I picked up while going through your story.

Abil handed Chris an old laser pistol./ An old laser pistol? You've got to be kidding me?
As he rounded the corner Chris, is suddenly shoved by a man who seems to be running for his life./ Start off with, this sentence is too abrupt. Secondly, I think we get the idea he was running for his life.
"HEY WATCH WHERE YOU RUNNING ASSHOLE!"/ That's a nice thing to say toa person who seems to be running for his life.
Fear and shock of the man's death froze Chris in place. / It would be better if you just said, Chris was frozen. Shorter and we get the idea.
" I asked you a question shitbrains."/ What lovely language from our law enforcement.
"Well look at this, shitbrains can talk, what's your name shitbrains."/ He loves saying that word doesn't he?
"Your under arrest." the guard finally said./ Now this guard just sounds dumb.
"For what!?!" Chris confusingly exclaimed./ Heck I thought he whispered it purposely, but whatever.
The guard slyly smirked as he pulled out his electron pistol./ I assume the guy was wearing a helmet, so how could we know he was smiling?
Chris pulled out his Laser pistol and shot the officer in the face,/ Great, he just added a felony, no help for him now.
the guard speaks into his walkie talkie through the pain./ One, capital please? Two what else do you do with a walkie talkie and three we know he's in pain, unless the boy had one of those flash light pistols.
"Good work soldier someone send a medic to him ASAP, i'll take care of Mr. Treborn personally."/ Does he know what a Treborn looks like and good work for what, crying over the walkie talkie that he's in pain and does he even know hit by what.
"What is it?!?! did Hikari try to show you her mournful boobs!?!"/ He said emergency.

My advice would be to scrap this entire thing, delete it for good, but not the mistakes you made all over this thing. Yes, they're bad, but the greatest mistakes can turn into the greatest moments, I should know, I've written work just as crude as this, but now I get work that's showered in praise. So just move onto something different or please start this thing all over from scratch, please! This story was painful.
Anyone want ta take look at my own comic?

http://walrusm3.deviantart.com/

The art's quite modest, but I'm told the story's fun.
An obsessed freak
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Re: KidFunny: Project Punk:PG-13:Original Work:Ch.1

Postby KidFunny » Mon May 07, 2012 5:18 pm

Hey man thanks for the input, im all for constructive criticism and im glad you weren't just " Oh this story sucks because you're a shitty writer and you suck." It gives me things to focus on and i might take you up on what you said and just scrap it and rewrite the whole thing.

To be fair about your plot concerns i did kind of give the info about the police and the setting right after you quit reading.

Anyways thanks Walrus I'll practice on speech tags and work on my description skill. I am kind of new to writing, I usually have a main idea in my head but i never get around to fleshing out the ideas; this is probably why i over and under describe things. Anything else you can add to help me better my writing skills would be great.
Cheers, Kid F.
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Re: KidFunny: Project Punk:PG-13:Original Work:Ch.1

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Tue May 08, 2012 2:43 am

Really good to hear then and glad you found what you needed. Though if you really are a new writer, all your needing is to just gain some experience and practice, after that I assure you, you'll become a really good writer.
Anyone want ta take look at my own comic?

http://walrusm3.deviantart.com/

The art's quite modest, but I'm told the story's fun.
An obsessed freak
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Posts: 536
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 6:48 am
Location: Shetland Isles
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