Switch to full style
Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.
Topic locked

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: Prologue): T: Original:Irreg Update

Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:56 pm

I don't think it's really tenses, but rather the writing style. Though, I haven't pasted III into a word doc yet, so I can't be so sure about that one... But the first two parts should be fine.

Oh, and no, I'm not really. I've tried it though. Too weird....the zombies...eeuugh...

Also, If you've read as far as IT ALL STARTED A YEAR AGO, this series is about to have a fantasy-based plot. Stick around. ;)

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: Prologue): T: Original:Irreg Update

Sat Dec 03, 2011 10:57 pm

Update 12/3/11:

Okay, I'm almost done. I'll have Prologue finished by Monday and on fictionpress.com on another date TBA.

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: Prologue): T: Original:Irreg Update

Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:04 pm

Update 12/5/11

A little behind on the ending, but I promise it'll be done soon...

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:14 pm


It's done.


That is all.

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Sat Dec 10, 2011 11:41 pm

How cool! I love it!! Awseomest prologue ever!

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Sat Dec 10, 2011 11:47 pm

charmer chibi wrote:How cool! I love it!! Awesomest prologue ever!


Thank you so much, btw.

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:11 am

Ive always been bad at spelling!
No problem!
How come you don't put these on DA?

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:27 am

Hmmm...I dunno...Maybe I'll try it...

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:41 am

maru that is all too much to be a prologue.

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:55 pm

Hmm...Maybe so... Maybe I'll find a better title for the segment...

In the mean time, Have some deviantArt Literature.

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:00 pm

Update 12/21/11

I'm renaming PROLOGUE. New Name: ENTRANCE. In keeping with the...oh never mind. It just makes sense.

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:43 am

Update 12/30/11

I've been working on little poster sketches for all the installments so far. I might just post them later on....

Re: MARU: Feathers (Current: CITYWARS): T: Original:Bimonthly

Sat Feb 04, 2012 11:23 pm


Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Tue Apr 24, 2012 11:43 pm

Last edited by Warbear on Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: bot

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Thu Apr 26, 2012 8:14 pm

Dammit, I'm in too deep... But I HAVE been typing stuff down on my phone...

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Thu May 03, 2012 5:43 pm

Guess who just walked in... Nah I can't either, been such a long time since I was on this forums. Anyways decided to read on some stories to criticise and here to read and give feedback to yours, isn't that wonderful? No real it is.

Sorry it's late here and I randomly decided I needed to seek a story to review. I've only read the first post (Like I said, it's late here, I'll read the rest tomorrow) and I've got a lot to say anyways. To start off with the first part was really good, the rest of it- well it wavers.

Start off with where it was already good, you set off a lot of emotion and great interest in the Zola character that we want to find out what, who and just keep on reading.

But after the first scene it's followed by another scene where you explain Zola but if anything, it becomes pointless simply by the scene that follows because Zola explains everything that's already been explained that. It leaves the previous scene with no build up, mystery or information, I'd get rid of it to save the reader time and get through this, not that we want to just get through this, it's a good story you want to savour, but can't just tarpit us.
What follows anyways, goes from good to just plain bad. You're good at giving us the impression that Zola's an emo character and so far he's one of the best emo characters I have read. But the interaction between him and the main character swing too much that it's either annoying or just unrealistic, like how they go from rational, to violent and calm again can happen, but the way you do it- just makes it hard to imagine it happening.
There's a few other problems that I picked up such as don't use numbers in story writing- ever! Use words, like 14 fourteen. Also I can't help but feel your describing too much. You're getting away with it all but things like near the beginning where you tell us Sasha held Clyde's hand with two of her own, it would sound better if you just said she held his hand.
Anyways, here's some other notes that I hope help and improve your writing skills. You're free to brush them aside, but please look at them and consider them, I'm trying to help, not just be a jerk.

We lean in, joining in a passionate kiss/ Would've been simpler to say they just passionately kissed.
And I'll admit, for a minute, it worked./ You tell us this shortly afterwards about this, therefore this bit is just unnessecary.
You've best friend runs away from home/ I think you mean 'you're best friend'
He always had a concern or too about his volume/ I think you mean two, not too.
I interrupt./ Unless there's someone else in the conversation, we know he was the one who interrupted and know he interrupted because you cut off the previous sentence with this '-'
I just offended him/ Strange, I normally take being called a liar as a compliment.
In the heat of the moment, I stand to/ and I thought he was just bored sitting.
!" I shout./ We know he shouted, there's explanation mark here.
"...Are you done..?" he asked. I didn't reply, as silence was the response./ Would've been better if you neverminded the speech tag and just went "Are you done?..Good."
I naturally growled more, since I was frantically trying to get free. / You really need to rephrase this. This sentence just sounds dumb.
She looked to be in her twenties./ In my opinion, would've just said added eariler 'a woman in her twenties' instead of making such an unessential sentence.
she smirked./ Capital please.

Anyways keep on writing. I might have a go at that front cover you just did as well, as it does look interesting and fun to do, if that's alright.

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Thu May 03, 2012 7:49 pm

Thanks. So. Much. I think I really need this.

I really do have that problem with description. And grammar/spelling. I'll get right on these.

As for the rest of the story that's posted, I have a feeling such problems will come up even more. Still, I'll fix them accordingly so that you'll be able to enjoy it a bit more.

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Fri May 04, 2012 1:30 pm

Okay, I meant to read the whole lot of this, but already there's a lot of problems I need to go on about. The introduction of Rio brings interest and does show to be a potential great and magical story. But problems! problems! problems! Ones I really don't like and need to give my opinion.
First of a foremost, perspectives. You write this in first person perspective. Now I admit I'm not a first person perspective fan, I'm a full on third person, but it's not that that I have the problem with. The problem I have is that you switch between characters, you don't normally do that, why? Simply confuses writers, certainly confused me that my head was spinning. It was fine when we were just looking through Clyde, being that's how first person perspective works is through a single character. Here you change, especially without warning where it takes me a while to figure out who we're looking through. It would be interesting if you just kept to Zola, but better yet if you're wanting to look through a vary of characters, third person or if you really want to keep doing it the way you're doing it, try to do a little more warning.
Second problem, is your overuse of the word growl, it gets annoying seeing it used again. Say something like snarl or brimmed if you really want to use it. Though most the time if seems to be an issue that you're using speech tags when not needed. Unless you know your readers won't be able to tell how a character spoke the dialogue or who is speaking, don't use them. I have an example of notes below that give examples.
Thirdly, don't use sound effects like smack or flick. Much better if you just described the action. Why? I don't know, I just know you're not suppose to and it would be better if you went the character punched or pushed that button or went there was a flick sound, got it?
Anyways here's some more compiled notes.

Though his methods oft draw me to hate him/ oft? Do you mean often?
*SMAK*/ Why was there a smack.
Zola just stays calm./ I wouldn't say that Zola's calm, at all, he just gulped and if I'm right, quivered.
under his breath before he took one/ Took what?
You're gonna be babysitting a mutant/ Why did he use the word mutant.
I smirk before taking a bite of egg./ Are you actually saying he ate an egg? Normally I'd crack the things and eat the egg yoke, but whatever.
Now I was scared./ Heck I'd be having a blast if I was being pulled into the darkness by tenticals.
I growled out in fear./ Speech tag unessential.
I order./ Strange I thought she was asking nicely, how customs have changed these days.
he growls shyly./ Stop using the word growl! Heck half the time you don't even need it!
Either way, I do so. I prepare myself for whatever he plans next, arching tendrils from my back to shield me from an attack./ Not only does this sentence sound dumb, it could be shortened as well as rephrased.
"...What are you?" he asks./ No need for speech tag.
Mother used to say such things/ Important information that was.
"Sorry Rio, but y'need to build up a body tolerance for light," Rena sighed, a hand on her hip. Then she smirks. "In other words, How bout No!"/ I call this child cruetly just so you know.

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Fri May 04, 2012 4:32 pm

...I don't even wanna count how many times I use growl. Not that there's just so many, but I know it's present. Luckily, I at least fixed up the last scene for III, hopefully. Also, go ahead with the cover.

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Sat May 05, 2012 6:50 pm

Oh lord is this third one full of problems, so many problems. Even with the first person stuff changed to third person, this is your worse yet. Sorry I'm being harsh, but I really need to confront you about this, mostly so I can help, but this had a mixture of pain this bit. I'm not saying this was bad, I liked the world you're bring us into and I want to see more of it, the stories becoming incredible and this certainly feels like it's going to be bad-ass (If you don't mind the phrase) epic.
I like the characters that are being introduced, especially the first fight scene, it's all good really. Though I wish you'd describe the surroundings more, you're making me stand in a black fog here where I can only see the characters, but very a little around them and it's really aggravating. But this here isn't too much of a problem, these are though.
The introduction of this third part is almost done badly for the simple fact that you tell us that Clyde got dumped, which ruins any build up, shock or drama. This could be easily fixed if you just took that bit you told us and leave it to Clyde telling he got dumbed. Sorry but that's a big ruiner right there, I see some big clutz towering over and smashing me on the head with a hammer.
Another problem is how short and undescriptive the other characters are introduced. Really you get away with it I think. But seriously, could do with more telling where they are, what do the buildings look like, what's the landscape, air. All you really have to do is say something like 'Bright in the morning in the urban city, someone...".
Next problem is when all the other characters meet Riotala and Rena. You simply move that aside, when I think that could actually use a proper introduction. Like is controlling dark mass natural in the world you're giving us? Because there's no real explanation to it and the characters certainly aren't shocked when Riotala hooks herself to the ground with the tentacles. Seriously, I'd go back and have a scene where Riotala's introduced and someone explains about the dark mass thing.
Anyways, here's some notes. Again sorry if I'm being harsh, just really need to stress this.

the reluctantly single boy sighed at his godsister/ Rubbing that in aren't ya?
"Sasha dumped him, I think. He didn't say."/ Why did you tell us this early when the character was?
If it wasn't so long since then last sunrise./ Do you mean since the last sunrise?
You can gimme the M-Brace, You can die,/ This would sound so much more natural if you had or, instead of a comma.
The sound of a rocket launcher firing filled the air and it made Nekoda's ears perk./ Not only can this sentence be shorter, but what I find better in my opinion is describing what the rocket sounded like, instead of saying it was a rocket.
As he said that, the rocket proppelled it's way to the other side of the roof, exploding and leaving a large crater in the ground as the boys watched the smoke clear./ Now this sentence could be expanded to leave more drama. Then again it could just be easily solved with more full stops.
Bainz just turned down his evil grin back to his trademark smirk. Just as planned./ This sentence could be a lot shortened and scratch the, just as planned, I'm pretty sure we know he's smirking because he thought of a dirty joke.
a crimson-haired girl of 17 sighed/ What I say about using numbers?
She lets on a cocky grin./ In my opinion, this sentence would sound dumb if you writ something like the slid a cocky grin.
With the crowd listening/ I'd thought they'd be covering their ears, who comes to a concert to listen anyways, I ask you?
A sound interrupted her train of thought./ Again, better if you said something like, she suddenly heard (Insert sound she heard)
their faces were a sure sign that they were savages/ Savage describes something that's uncivilized, barbaric or violent, how is wearing a mask any of those things?
And no Joker would interrupt her thoughts./ I'm just going to ask,
"Why was I chosen?"/ Good question, why is a scientist testing something on a bunch of kids, especially one that's unwell? Is he mad or something?
A nervous laugh escaped the scientist./ Thanks for clarifying the hehehe stuff, wasn't exactly sure what that was.
"I have a life, I don't need to risk it doing this./ Don't worry, the scientist said it was a 100% safe, but heck if he's lying, you can always sue him, he'll probably go to prison anyhows if you don't.
Rena SCOFFED./ Why is this in capitals?
Zola held onto the control board, since it wasn’t sparking anymore./ Again, sentence dumb, please rephrase.
“Grr.. Zola, your Doctor’s a prick!!” Clyde shouted at his green-haired friend./ One, this sentence is dumb, two its too random and out of context and three are there any other Zolas?
But she wouldn’t let go/ Odd I would.
were being sucked into it themselves, arms tugging them in/ We got it, portal's sucking them in, but are you actually saying that the arms are helping them get sucked in.
They were both terrified./ No really?
…Zola was the first to go/ Go where?
“…aw, shit…” Clyde grumbled. A horrid week’s worth of drama and sci-fi weirdness this has been./ A great reaction to someone whose just seen his best friend go away and a great time to think about this stuff while being sucked in.
Sasha’s not his girlfriend anymore, he’s in a room with a mad scientist, and not only Zola, but a SIX-YEAR-OLD was sucked into a door to hell knows where./ We know this.
They were all gone./ What was all gone? Certainly wasn't the characters, more of half of them are still there.

Keep on writing and working on copying your cover, just taking longer than I thought it would.

Re: MARU: Feathers CITYWARS: Ch 1 Coming Soon

Tue May 15, 2012 6:08 pm

It's so incredibly close guys, like oh-em-gee
Topic locked