The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

Moderator: Mod Squad

The Jacket Series, R-ish, (CH 2 edited and posted)

Postby RoZo » Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:21 pm

The Jacket

By: RoZo

Chapter 1: Ro


3… 2…1!


The school bell blurred like a siren, as I pried myself from my desk to escape the torture of school.

Finally, summer vacation! I can't wait to get away from this god damn forsaken place.

I thought as I looked around glaring at the teachers and fellow students. My names Roandy, my friends call me Ro for short. I’m a atypical 14 yr. old for nowadays, rather tall, slender built, athletic. I'm also pretty smart, least top in my school grade.

“Hey Ro, remember this summer we got reading to do.”
One of my buddies chimed in, I could tell he was pissed and tired at the same time.

“Wait what the fuck!?” I stopped and leered at him.

Seeing as how we had to read all summer long, that drove me through the roof, “Son of a bitch!” I stammered.

“Yeah it sucks.”

“So, what the hell are we reading?
“Who gives a fuck!”

“Holy shit dude, calm the fuck down!” I glared at my unhappy friend, “You don’t have to act so pissy ya know?”

“Right, right, sorry, ah... damn it, I gotta go, peace Ro.”

We connected fists as we parted, I walked away from the crowd.
As I walked, I noticed three odd looking guys each wearing a different colored jacket: one blue, one yellow, and the last red. The lead seemed to shine with the red jacket wearer, and as he began barking orders to the other two bastards.

“Grab him, he’s the chosen one!” The Red jacket wearer blurted out.

Chosen one? What the fuck?

Responding immediately to their orders, the Blue and Yellow Jacket wearers grabbed my arms. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t know I was good at wrestling.

I managed to writhe myself free, and kick both of them in their groins and then give them each a DDT.
“Ha, how do you like that bitches!”

But me and my big mouth spoke too soon, as the two jokers reached to their feet and drew their tripped out weapons.
The yellow jacket wearer wielded a scythe, that started to hum almost like it was possessed by electricity, sparks scattering here and there about it. While the blue jacket wearer wielded a sword, so translucent as if it possessed the property of water. I could see the blue bombers sinister grin in the reflection of sword, as their leader drew his weapon of choice. He cleaved the air with his monstrous double-edged ax, seemingly igniting the weapon itself in a hellish blaze.

The people that were in the area scrambled to all corners and away as far as they could, while I froze in fear. As they would have it, the all came to attack me in unison.

Holy shit! I am going to die!

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a bluish sword streak deflected the trios attacks, saving me from a certain doom. As the savior turned around I was quite surprised to see that I was saved by a girl... a very pretty girl.

END OF CHAPTER 1...

Author's Note: As yall can see this is edited. All of the thanks goes to Sincados for basically rewriting the whole story for me, THANK SINCADOS. If you still want to give negative feedback about my old way, then b4 your post write [v 1.0 feedback], if any kind of feedback for the updated one type [v 2.0 feedback]. More advise as well pllz.
-Thanx 4 Reading
RoZo
Last edited by RoZo on Sat Feb 20, 2010 6:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

The Jacket CH 1

Postby RoZo » Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:22 pm

The Jacket

By: RoZo

Chapter 1: Ro

(Warning, this story is anime based. This online novel is rated T for teen, containing mild language, blood, lots of violence, and emoticons; this novel is not suitable for all readers. Also, all of the characters are fictional except for me. This story is also fictional; don’t go mouthing off to people that this is real. I also dream to be a writer, so if you want to make a flash out of this story, PM me to ask for permission and credit me as the writer of the flash that you would be making (or else it’ll be considered stolen). Remember, there can only be one artist to do this so… FIRST PM, FIRST SERVE!!! So after this incredibly long warning and info, ON WITH THE FIRST CHAPTER!!!)

3… 2…1! The school bell rang as I probably leaped out of my seat to escape the torture of school. “Freakin’ finally, summer vacation is here, a time where we get away from this god damn school. :D” I said, looking around to see if any teachers heard me. Oops, I guess I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Roandy, my friends call me Ro for short, I’m 14, I’m pretty much the smart guy in my school, and probably one of the biggest U-_-. I weigh 185 lbs and is 5’8”. I also had long hair up to 5 inches. “Yeah right we have summer reading remember. U-_-” said one of my buddies that apparently sounded pissed and tired at the same time. “WTF!!!!!! D:” Now I see why he was pissed, we all had summer reading to do during the summer, sometimes I wonder why did we have to do this. “Yeah it sucks. T_T” replies my buddy.

“So, what books are we reading? -_-” I say

“WHO F**KING CARES!!! :(

“Okay!!! Calm the f**k down! You really don’t have to act pissy ya know. U-_-”

“Damn it, I gotta go, peace Ro.” We connect fists or a fist dap if you may? As me and my friend go our separate ways, three thieves each wearing some different colored jacket. One of them was wearing blue; one was wearing yellow, and the other red. The red jacket looked like the leader; seeming that he’s giving orders is all :P. “Grab him, he’s the chosen one!” Red Jacket says Chosen one? ??o_o?? I thought to myself. Blue and Yellow Jacket grabbed my arms. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t know I was good at wrestling :D. (Warning, this involves wrestling terms and moves from the WWE, if you don’t know wrestling or the WWE, don’t ask me what they are U-_-) I successfully kicked both of their groins and gave them a DDT. “Ha, how do you like that bitches!!! :D” But me and my big mouth spoke too soon. The people just stood up and pulled their freaky weapons. One of them was a scythe held by the yellow jacket, the scythe then starts to be covered by electricity. Another was a sword that’s clear as water held by the blue jacket. And the red jacket’s weapon was a little too extreme; it was a freakin’ double-edged axe that has more fire than Hell could have covered on that thing. Many people ran away from this to avoid to get killed, but I was frozen in fear. They all struck at once, each strike came at me. Holy s**t, I’m going to die. T_T Then, all of a sudden, a streak of blue came out of nowhere and saved my life by deflecting the attacks with a sword. As the savior turned around I was surprised to see that I was saved by a girl, a very pretty girl.

END OF CHAPTER 1…
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby BeeAre » Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:00 am

Hi, I'm half of Bleedman's writing staff! Let's look at your story together.

you do realize you double posted, yes? that is against the rules.

criticisms: you need to know how to write better

emoticons are a bad idea

stop telling us the exact measurements and descriptions of people, it's useless to waste time on descriptions in a semi-scientific way unless you can come up for a reason that sort of science is offered to us (you have not)

every character reacts similarly and as a result the actions are meaningless and offer us no insights into the individual characters, who might as well be all one character anyway

the plot is awful. it is very bad. The primary reasons as to why it is atrocious and difficult to follow is because of the way you insist on describing events, and if that were a deliberate stylistic choice with some sort of clue in the writing structurally to let us, the readers, in on the fact that you were doing it for deliberate effect, it would be a bold and striking thematic choice. As it is, it is fairly obvious you did this to the best of your understanding of writing, and as a result, made way too many mistakes.

your formatting is not only very bad but inconsistent. you don't have any sort of pattern to it.

however, since it's most likely that you aren't actually going to plan to continue this, if you stop now, it won't be a huge tragedy for the world.

if you take my criticisms to heart and try to improve on your work, maybe people would care about this, however, right now? it is so bad that it is quite seriously something people would show other people as an example of how bad writing can be, like some grotesque parody.

I'm not saying this to be mean: if you want to improve, please at least consider my words here.
Snafu Comics' Forum Alpha Bro, Staff Writer, Editor, Image, and Keeper of the Jar Brain of Secret President. RIP Ku Ku Ku \(-^.^-)/ U Wuz A REAL N***A!!!!!!!
"We're quite aware of this. BR is no happy rainbow face man. He is simply our neighborhood best fucking poster." ~ Warbear
最後の撃は。。。切ない。Puff Most Epic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, The:
BR

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5644
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:06 pm
Location: Mississippi
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:06 am

BeeAre wrote:Hi, I'm half of Bleedman's writing staff! Let's look at your story together.

you do realize you double posted, yes? that is against the rules.

criticisms: you need to know how to write better

emoticons are a bad idea

stop telling us the exact measurements and descriptions of people, it's useless to waste time on descriptions in a semi-scientific way unless you can come up for a reason that sort of science is offered to us (you have not)

every character reacts similarly and as a result the actions are meaningless and offer us no insights into the individual characters, who might as well be all one character anyway

the plot is awful. it is very bad. The primary reasons as to why it is atrocious and difficult to follow is because of the way you insist on describing events, and if that were a deliberate stylistic choice with some sort of clue in the writing structurally to let us, the readers, in on the fact that you were doing it for deliberate effect, it would be a bold and striking thematic choice. As it is, it is fairly obvious you did this to the best of your understanding of writing, and as a result, made way too many mistakes.

your formatting is not only very bad but inconsistent. you don't have any sort of pattern to it.

however, since it's most likely that you aren't actually going to plan to continue this, if you stop now, it won't be a huge tragedy for the world.

if you take my criticisms to heart and try to improve on your work, maybe people would care about this, however, right now? it is so bad that it is quite seriously something people would show other people as an example of how bad writing can be, like some grotesque parody.

I'm not saying this to be mean: if you want to improve, please at least consider my words here.

Wow, how harmful but I should thank you, but my comment to your comments.
1st Part: Yeah Sorry, my computer is basically complete crap so it did that I'll delete it now
2nd Part: Well ouch dude, I never said I was a pro, I'm an ameture, maybe I should've mentioned that so i probably might need a teacher or something
3rd Part: Sorry the emoticons won't go away it's my type of writing it's what makes me, ehhh... unique.
4th Part: I really need help doing this
5th Part: I... actually didn't realize that.
6th Part: ....No comment....
7th Part:....Again, No Comment....
8th Part: I... Don't really get it
But all critisism aside, at least ya read my chapter. :(
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby BeeAre » Fri Feb 19, 2010 7:18 am

trust me on this kid, regarding the emoticons: unique is not more important than "good". don't forget that, please.

why no comment on parts of the post, also?
Snafu Comics' Forum Alpha Bro, Staff Writer, Editor, Image, and Keeper of the Jar Brain of Secret President. RIP Ku Ku Ku \(-^.^-)/ U Wuz A REAL N***A!!!!!!!
"We're quite aware of this. BR is no happy rainbow face man. He is simply our neighborhood best fucking poster." ~ Warbear
最後の撃は。。。切ない。Puff Most Epic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, The:
BR

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5644
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:06 pm
Location: Mississippi
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby Pika Thunder » Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:51 am

I find writing a outline, then practicing writing it in different styles, first person, third person, or hybrid points of view really help. Also, instead of using emoticons, you can try a more clever technique for displaying peoples emotions. Criticism is a sour dish, but it builds the taste buds and allows us to taste flavors that others could only dream of sampling. Never take it as a negative and look at it as a guide for how you can improve yourself! Good luck!

One of them was a scythe held by the yellow jacket, the scythe then starts to be covered by electricity.


Blue sparks lept for the edges of the scythe held by the one in the yellow jacket, announcing to me that the weapon was very much electrified. For a reason I didn't understand at the moment, I smirked at this thought.
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so saith the Lit Mod, BR. PM me and I'll send you his PM saying as such.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 8:28 pm
Location: Viridian Forest
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 12:16 pm

Pika Thunder wrote:I find writing a outline, then practicing writing it in different styles, first person, third person, or hybrid points of view really help. Also, instead of using emoticons, you can try a more clever technique for displaying peoples emotions. Criticism is a sour dish, but it builds the taste buds and allows us to taste flavors that others could only dream of sampling. Never take it as a negative and look at it as a guide for how you can improve yourself! Good luck!

One of them was a scythe held by the yellow jacket, the scythe then starts to be covered by electricity.


Blue sparks lept for the edges of the scythe held by the one in the yellow jacket, announcing to me that the weapon was very much electrified. For a reason I didn't understand at the moment, I smirked at this thought.
Wow dude thanks :)
Unfortunatly I already written like 6 or 7 chapters of this and I kinda don't want to rewrite them again, but thanks for the advice, I'll certainly take it. BTW Chapter 2 is coming out soon so you should probably prepare your positive/negative feedback
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby Sincados » Fri Feb 19, 2010 12:56 pm

You have potential RoZo, you just need some tweaking here and there. Really though I'd say go back, do an outline, when you do the dialogue sound it out as if you were the character.

The emoticons... honestly I'm not going to sugar coat it, hurt my eyes. I mean if that's what you wanted to do, well done! Seriously though, I understand you are blending anime into this... but as a comic you would have art to show for that, even a manga.

I agree with you on not wanting to write it all over again, but practice makes perfect! You will end up writing something down, rewrite, rewrite, think, rewrite... it will be a nagging experience but it will make you that much better over time. Previewing helps, *looks at Pika* he helps me as much as I try to help him... having friends available also helps, especially those that can think similar.

Don't stop writing, no matter what someone tells you. If you let someone who criticizes you as you are horrible, think... OK, what can I do to improve? It's a give and take relationship, but you can do it tiger.
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so sayeth the Lit Mod, BR. "10. Feel free to advertise your websites in your signature or avatars as long as they comply with the NSFW rule and the Signature Size rule." Wait what?
offline
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 11:33 pm
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket CH 1

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:06 pm

Sincados wrote:You have potential RoZo, you just need some tweaking here and there. Really though I'd say go back, do an outline, when you do the dialogue sound it out as if you were the character.

The emoticons... honestly I'm not going to sugar coat it, hurt my eyes. I mean if that's what you wanted to do, well done! Seriously though, I understand you are blending anime into this... but as a comic you would have art to show for that, even a manga.

I agree with you on not wanting to write it all over again, but practice makes perfect! You will end up writing something down, rewrite, rewrite, think, rewrite... it will be a nagging experience but it will make you that much better over time. Previewing helps, *looks at Pika* he helps me as much as I try to help him... having friends available also helps, especially those that can think similar.

Don't stop writing, no matter what someone tells you. If you let someone who criticizes you as you are horrible, think... OK, what can I do to improve? It's a give and take relationship, but you can do it tiger.

This is like the most positive feedback ever thank you :mrgreen:
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

The Jacket CH 2

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:22 pm

The Jacket
By: RoZo

Chapter 2: Enter Anna, the Silver Haired Warrior

(Warning, this story is anime based (so think of this as an anime show, k :D). This online novel is rated T for teen, containing mild language, blood, and lots of violence; this novel is not suitable for all readers. Also, all of the characters are fictional except for me. This story is also fictional; don’t go mouthing off to people that this is real. I also dream to be a writer, so if you want to make a flash out of this story, PM me to ask for permission and credit me as the writer of the flash that you would be making (or else it’ll be considered stolen). Remember, there can only be one artist to do this so… FIRST PM, FIRST SERVE!!! Also, don’t read this until you read chapter 1. So after this incredibly long warning and info, ON WITH CHAPTER 2!!!)

!!O_O!! I was completely surprised and was kinda feeling weak, not to be sexist but that girl was obviously stronger that me, she put up more of a fight than me U-_-. But she was god damn sexy; she wore a light blue long sleeved shirt with a matching skirt that went above her knees. She was also a few inches shorter than me and had long, sliver hair and blue eyes. In her hand a long and skinny sword that can pack a punch. Red Jacket stands there like he was as dazed as I am, “Anna…” he says. <So that’s her name… Anna.> I thought. The girl that was now known as Anna shifted her eyes to me and she smiled, “So, you’re the chosen one. : )”. Now I was pissed, “W… T… F!!!!! What’s with y’all and this chosen one?!?! >:(” I screamed those words out loud, but Anna doesn’t seem to be phased by my yells of my frustration.
“Just wear this.” Anna said throwing a jacket at me.
“How is a jacket going to help me?!?! > :(” I replied.
“You’ll find out ; )”
That’s when Anna began to fight. Her sword glowed a shining white and she sprinted toward the red jacket. ‘Heh >: ), get the chosen one, I’ll take care of her!” Red Jacket ordered the others. Blue and Yellow Jacket followed their orders and ran to me. <I don’t know if this will work : (> I thought to myself as I wore the jacket. The jacket was black with Japanese letters on them; each one had their own color, one red, one blue, one grey, and one brown. Meanwhile, Anna’s sword was clashing with Red Jacket’s axe. Anna slashed the air and air blasts came out of the sword. Red Jacket deflected the attacks and threw his axe; the axe spun like a boomerang and hit Anna. Anna staggered back with a gash on her chest, but somehow she’s still alive. Blood stained her blue shirt but Anna didn’t give up; Anna held out her hand and balls of light energy blasted out of it. Fortunately, the axe didn’t come back to the Red jacket, so Anna’s attacks hit. Red Jacket is bleeding, but the weird thing is he’s bleeding lava. Anna put her hand on her chest and light was covering it. Red Jacket then dug his fingers into his wound and his hand was on fire and sprinted towards Anna. Anna was to preoccupied to her healing, Red Jacket successfully hit Anna on the cheek, burning her face. Anna held her face in pain. “How does it feel to be burned, Anna! >: )” Red Jacket says as he chuckles his evil chuckle. Anna struggles to get up and she said, “F**K YOU, ANDRE!!!” Anna then stabbed him close to his heart. Meanwhile, I was fighting (or just dodging U-_-) Blue and Yellow Jacket. Blue’s sword sent out a tsunami as it smacked the floor and Yellow’s scythe electrocuted the water. I was dead for sure. As the tidal wave came, I braced myself. Then there was a bunch of rocks protecting me.

END OF CHAPTER 2…
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 2

Postby Guardian » Fri Feb 19, 2010 4:14 pm

So. You decided not to listen, nor did you read the rules.

You can't have two threads like this. Keep everything in one thread.

Read this before you post again.
viewtopic.php?f=7&t=13095
Last edited by Guardian on Fri Feb 19, 2010 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Salvation comes with a cost. Judge us not by our methods, but by what we seek to accomplish.”

"To punish and enslave..."
Semper Vigilans
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18971
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 2

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 4:17 pm

Blood Lord wrote:So. You decided not to listen, nor did you read the rules.

You can't have two threads like this. Keep everything in one thread.
Oh sorry my bad, I'll keep the rest of my series in here fromnow on
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 2

Postby Guardian » Fri Feb 19, 2010 4:18 pm

No, you'll keep it in your first thread. A mod shall be by soon enough to merge the two together.
“Salvation comes with a cost. Judge us not by our methods, but by what we seek to accomplish.”

"To punish and enslave..."
Semper Vigilans
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18971
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 2

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 4:39 pm

Blood Lord wrote:No, you'll keep it in your first thread. A mod shall be by soon enough to merge the two together.
oh... uh well, thanks
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket CH 2

Postby Sincados » Fri Feb 19, 2010 4:58 pm

It happens, but yeah before you post... the 'Read this' helps. It also offers a lot of information, and points that may help you.

Aside from that, what the hell happened to the editing? C'mon RoZo...

It looks like a sloppy copy/paste, honestly... I know you said you have them done up to a point, but you gotta take time to look at what you post. Let it sit, read it, go through and fix. Doing so that way what you have there... that's asking for a major flurry of unnecessary attacks/criticism/whatever.
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so sayeth the Lit Mod, BR. "10. Feel free to advertise your websites in your signature or avatars as long as they comply with the NSFW rule and the Signature Size rule." Wait what?
offline
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 11:33 pm
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket CH 2

Postby Guardian » Fri Feb 19, 2010 5:27 pm

Honestly, I have absolutely no problem tearing the hell out of your story. Showing you where your problems are, and what you can do to make it better. I enjoy doing it.

But come on man. Put some effort into story. Show that you actually give a shit about your writing, and attempt to make it better. Not doing so just shows us that you are lazy, ignorant of constrictive criticism, and not worth our time.

And I agree with Sincados.
“Salvation comes with a cost. Judge us not by our methods, but by what we seek to accomplish.”

"To punish and enslave..."
Semper Vigilans
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18971
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby Sincados » Fri Feb 19, 2010 9:31 pm

I still see errors... even if they are mine I admit they're there. It happens when I get mounted...

I was using what I rewrote as an example... but at least my eyes aren't bleeding. Oh how I need to be drunk now...

Oh and never consider negative feedback as bad, especially when it's from an established writer, or his minions. It might have come off bad, but he meant well... Advice is the key to opening doors of opportunity, let alone hone ones skills.
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so sayeth the Lit Mod, BR. "10. Feel free to advertise your websites in your signature or avatars as long as they comply with the NSFW rule and the Signature Size rule." Wait what?
offline
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 11:33 pm
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby Sincados » Fri Feb 19, 2010 9:49 pm

RoZo wrote:The Jacket

By: RoZo

Chapter 1: Ro


3… 2…1!


The school bell blurred like a siren, as I pried myself from my desk to escape the torture of school.

Finally, summer vacation! I can't wait to get away from this god damn forsaken place.

I thought as I looked around glaring at the teachers and fellow students. My names Roandy, my friends call me Ro. I’m a atypical 14 yr. old, rather tall, slender and, athletic. I'm also pretty smart, least top in my school grade.

“Hey Ro, remember this summer we got reading to do.”

One of my buddies chimed in, I could tell he was pissed and tired at the same time.

“Wait what the fuck!?” I stopped and leered at him.

Seeing as how we had to read all summer long, that drove me through the roof, “Son of a bitch!” I stammered.

“Yeah it sucks.”

“So, what the hell are we reading?

“Who gives a fuck!”

“Holy shit dude, calm the fuck down!” I glared at my unhappy friend, “You don’t have to act so pissy ya know?”

“Right, right, sorry, ah... damn it, I gotta go, peace Ro.”

We connected fists as we parted, I walked away from the crowd.

As I walked on, I noticed three odd looking guys each wearing a different colored jacket: one blue, one yellow, and the last, red. The lead seemed to shine, with a red jacket that he wore, and as he began barking orders to the other two bastards.

“Grab him, he’s the chosen one!” The Red jacket wearer blurted out.

Chosen one? What the fuck?

Responding immediately to their orders, the Blue and Yellow Jacket wearers grabbed my arms. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t know I was good at wrestling.

I managed to writhe myself free, and kick both of them in their groins and then give them each a DDT.

“Ha, how do you like that bitches!”

But me and my big mouth spoke too soon, as the two jokers reached to their feet and drew their tripped out weapons.

The yellow jacket wearer wielded a scythe, that started to hum almost like it was possessed by electricity, small bolts scattered here and there about it. While the blue jacket wearer wielded a sword, so translucent as if it possessed the property of water. I could see the blue bombers sinister grin in the reflection of sword, as their leader drew fourth his weapon of choice. He cleaved the air with his monstrous double-edged ax, seemingly igniting the weapon itself into a hellish blaze.

The people that were in the area scrambled to all corners and away as far as they could, fleeing in terror, while I froze in fear. As the flamboyant trio would have it, they all came to attack me in unison.

Holy shit! I am going to die!

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a bluish sword streak deflected the trios attacks, saving me from a certain doom. As the savior turned around I was quite surprised to see that I was saved by a girl... a rather very... pretty girl.

END OF CHAPTER 1...

Author's Note: As yall can see this is edited. All of the thanks goes to Sincados for basically rewriting the whole story for me, THANK SINCADOS. If you still want to give negative feedback about my old way, then b4 your post write [v 1.0 feedback], if any kind of feedback for the updated one type [v 2.0 feedback]. More advise as well pllz.
-Thanx 4 Reading
RoZo



Edited... some. I'm too tired and filled with liquor... I could probably rewrite this a hundred times. Point is this, I am thankful for using the example I laid before you, although this is your work. I hope you learned from it and am glad you were able to remove the emoticons. This is to be you though RoZo, not me. You see what I am getting at? Here to help, but not to replace... if that makes sense to anyone.

Side note... 10 shots in ....minutes = good times.
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so sayeth the Lit Mod, BR. "10. Feel free to advertise your websites in your signature or avatars as long as they comply with the NSFW rule and the Signature Size rule." Wait what?
offline
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 11:33 pm
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby RoZo » Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:19 pm

Sincados wrote:
RoZo wrote:The Jacket

By: RoZo

Chapter 1: Ro


3… 2…1!


The school bell blurred like a siren, as I pried myself from my desk to escape the torture of school.

Finally, summer vacation! I can't wait to get away from this god damn forsaken place.

I thought as I looked around glaring at the teachers and fellow students. My names Roandy, my friends call me Ro. I’m a atypical 14 yr. old, rather tall, slender and, athletic. I'm also pretty smart, least top in my school grade.

“Hey Ro, remember this summer we got reading to do.”

One of my buddies chimed in, I could tell he was pissed and tired at the same time.

“Wait what the fuck!?” I stopped and leered at him.

Seeing as how we had to read all summer long, that drove me through the roof, “Son of a bitch!” I stammered.

“Yeah it sucks.”

“So, what the hell are we reading?

“Who gives a fuck!”

“Holy shit dude, calm the fuck down!” I glared at my unhappy friend, “You don’t have to act so pissy ya know?”

“Right, right, sorry, ah... damn it, I gotta go, peace Ro.”

We connected fists as we parted, I walked away from the crowd.

As I walked on, I noticed three odd looking guys each wearing a different colored jacket: one blue, one yellow, and the last, red. The lead seemed to shine, with a red jacket that he wore, and as he began barking orders to the other two bastards.

“Grab him, he’s the chosen one!” The Red jacket wearer blurted out.

Chosen one? What the fuck?

Responding immediately to their orders, the Blue and Yellow Jacket wearers grabbed my arms. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t know I was good at wrestling.

I managed to writhe myself free, and kick both of them in their groins and then give them each a DDT.

“Ha, how do you like that bitches!”

But me and my big mouth spoke too soon, as the two jokers reached to their feet and drew their tripped out weapons.

The yellow jacket wearer wielded a scythe, that started to hum almost like it was possessed by electricity, small bolts scattered here and there about it. While the blue jacket wearer wielded a sword, so translucent as if it possessed the property of water. I could see the blue bombers sinister grin in the reflection of sword, as their leader drew fourth his weapon of choice. He cleaved the air with his monstrous double-edged ax, seemingly igniting the weapon itself into a hellish blaze.

The people that were in the area scrambled to all corners and away as far as they could, fleeing in terror, while I froze in fear. As the flamboyant trio would have it, they all came to attack me in unison.

Holy shit! I am going to die!

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a bluish sword streak deflected the trios attacks, saving me from a certain doom. As the savior turned around I was quite surprised to see that I was saved by a girl... a rather very... pretty girl.

END OF CHAPTER 1...

Author's Note: As yall can see this is edited. All of the thanks goes to Sincados for basically rewriting the whole story for me, THANK SINCADOS. If you still want to give negative feedback about my old way, then b4 your post write [v 1.0 feedback], if any kind of feedback for the updated one type [v 2.0 feedback]. More advise as well pllz.
-Thanx 4 Reading
RoZo



Edited... some. I'm too tired and filled with liquor... I could probably rewrite this a hundred times. Point is this, I am thankful for using the example I laid before you, although this is your work. I hope you learned from it and am glad you were able to remove the emoticons. This is to be you though RoZo, not me. You see what I am getting at? Here to help, but not to replace... if that makes sense to anyone.

Side note... 10 shots in ....minutes = good times.

Thank you an' good night
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby Pika Thunder » Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:06 am

YAR, now its gettin good!

On a side note, while it can be fun, alcohol should not be something you look towards for talent!
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so saith the Lit Mod, BR. PM me and I'll send you his PM saying as such.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 8:28 pm
Location: Viridian Forest
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby Guardian » Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:37 am

K. Now lets see you write something similar.

EDIT: One more thing. Don't look so negatively at criticism. You need to learn how to use it to enhance your skills.
“Salvation comes with a cost. Judge us not by our methods, but by what we seek to accomplish.”

"To punish and enslave..."
Semper Vigilans
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18971
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby RoZo » Sat Feb 20, 2010 2:19 pm

Chapter 2 is currently being edited right now, so hold your horses.

Also I'm addidng a Q&A session thing, so here's how it is. 5Q's per person and I'll be glad to answer them. They must be relevent to the series and don't ask me when is the next chapter coming out 'cause thats a waste of a question

and here how i'll break things down

Chapter 1 v 1.0 feedback comments: type [CH 1 v. 1.0 feedback] b4 you type
Chapter 1 v 2.0 Feedback Comment: [CH 1 v 2.0 feedback]
Q&A things: [Q&A] then type your 5 or less questions
for future chapters like chapter 2 (when it comes out): [CH 2 feedback]
... and so on and so on
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket Series, R-ish, (Added a Q&A session thing)

Postby BeeAre » Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:24 pm

THE MUUUUURGING IS KOMPLEEEEEETE
Snafu Comics' Forum Alpha Bro, Staff Writer, Editor, Image, and Keeper of the Jar Brain of Secret President. RIP Ku Ku Ku \(-^.^-)/ U Wuz A REAL N***A!!!!!!!
"We're quite aware of this. BR is no happy rainbow face man. He is simply our neighborhood best fucking poster." ~ Warbear
最後の撃は。。。切ない。Puff Most Epic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, The:
BR

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5644
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:06 pm
Location: Mississippi
Gender: Male

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby Sincados » Sat Feb 20, 2010 4:09 pm

Pika Thunder wrote:YAR, now its gettin good!

On a side note, while it can be fun, alcohol should not be something you look towards for talent!


I giggled at this like a little schoolgirl. The alcohol... she loves me... and you.
Signature deleted because links to non art related websites is a form of advertising, and writing is not art, so sayeth the Lit Mod, BR. "10. Feel free to advertise your websites in your signature or avatars as long as they comply with the NSFW rule and the Signature Size rule." Wait what?
offline
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 11:33 pm
Gender: None specified

Re: The Jacket Series (CH 1 EDITED AND REVISED)

Postby RoZo » Sat Feb 20, 2010 6:07 pm

The Jacket
By: RoZo

Chapter 2: Enter Anna, the Silver Haired Warrior



HOLY SHIT!!!

I was completely surprised and was kinda feeling inferior to this girl.

The girl looked so petite, but she put up more of a fight than me.

But by God she was so freaking attractive, i couldn't help but notice on her appearence.

She wore a light blue long sleeved shirt with a matching miniskirt. She was also a few inches shorter than me and had long, sliver hair and blue eyes. In her hand a long and skinny sword that can pack a punch.

The guy in the red jacket stands there like he was as dazed as I am, “Anna…” he says.

So that’s her name… Anna. The girl that was now known as Anna shifted her eyes to me and she smiled, “So, you’re the chosen one.”.

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS DAMNED CHOSEN ONE ANYWAYS!?"



I screamed those words out loud, but Anna doesn’t seem to be phased by my yells of my frustration.
“Just wear this.” Anna said throwing a jacket at me.
“How is a jacket going to help me?!?!” I replied.


“You’ll find out soon enough.”

Anna's sword then glowed a shining white and she sprinted toward the bastard red jacket.

"Heh, get the chosen one, I’ll take care of this bitch!” Red Jacket ordered the others. The other two followed their orders and ran to me.

Whatever this jacket does, I hope it'll help us I thought to myself as I reluctantly wore the jacket.

This everyday jacket was made of leather, stitched with Kanji on the back. How such a piece of apparel could contain the elemental powers of earth, wind, water and fire, was beyond me. Let alone it to be considered an ancient relic. I don't know if its been handed down for generations.. or just made... or been guarded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Anna’s sword was clashing with the leader’s axe. Anna slashed the air and magical rips in the air came out of the sword. Red Jacket deflected the attacks, laughing at how weak Anna's attacks was.

Andre used all his strength to throw his axe; the axe spun like a boomerang and hit Anna.

Anna staggered back with a gash on her chest, but somehow she’s still survived the cut. Blood stained her blue shirt but Anna didn’t give up; Anna held out her hand and a shining aura surrounded it. Balls of light energy blasted out of her hand, and a flurry of energy balls bombarded the man in the red jacket.

Fortunately, the axe didn’t come back to the Red jacket, so Anna’s attacks hit. Red Jacket is bleeding, but the weird thing is he’s bleeding lava.

Anna put her hand on her chest and light was covering it.

Red Jacket then dug his fingers into his wound and his hand was surrounded by fire and sprinted towards Anna. Anna was to preoccupied to her healing, that she wasn't aware of the leader in red charging at her.

Red Jacket successfully hit Anna on the cheek, burning her face. Anna held her face in pain. “How does it feel to be burned, Anna!” Red Jacket says as he chuckles his evil chuckle.

Anna struggles to get up and she yelled in furious anger, “FUCK YOU, ANDRE!!!” Anna then stabbed him close to his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, I was fighting (or just dodging) the two color coded cronies. The person in blue’s sword sent out a tsunami as it smacked the floor and Yellow’s scythe struck lightning at the tretcherous wave. I was dead for sure. As the eletricuted tidal wave came, I braced myself. Then there was a bunch of rocks protecting me.

END OF CHAPTER 2…
-Insert something visually appealing here.-

Voice Acting Resume
The Spaulding Basketball
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:31 pm
Location: In the box!
Gender: Male

Next

Return to Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests