Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

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Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby Nelo Angelo » Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:40 pm

He stood over her body with a blank look on his face, the last bit of light that once filled those light brown eyes of his blinked out of existence. His right hand was covered in blood all the way to his elbow, the knife grasped in it, blood dripping from the tip of the blade onto the ground. The room was covered in blood, blood splattered on the wall, blood soaking the floor underneath her body, leaking out all around her, blood everywhere. She looked liked a gutted pig, the mutilation done to her body was beyond someone full of just rage could produce.

The boy over her body, James Vincent, was only 17 years old. In order to understand what happened in this house, I have to take you back to the first time the light in James’ eyes began to fade away, the day of his grandmother’s funeral. The service had just ended, and he watched from his spot in the nearby trees as people filed out. James did not have the strength to go to the service, his sorrow racking him to much. He knew the moment he went in, he would break down, and wouldn’t get up again. James and his Grandmother were close, closer then normal. For James, his Grandmother was more then a relative. She was his only friend and confidant, and was the only one he could trust.

James’ father died when he was just an infant, and his mother, racked with grief, had fallen into a deep depression, part of which gave her a deep seeded hatred for her son (for reasons she did not even know why). She never truly got past her depression, and still bored a deep hatred for her son, something she made crystal clear whenever she was in one of her drunken states. The only person he had was his grandmother, and now she was dead. Unable to take anymore, James walked away from his hiding spot, and headed home, takeing one last look at the church.

“Goodbye…”

James shut himself in his room for a few days after that, unable to drag himself to school. He sat in his room, curled up in a ball, his eyes, never blinking, his mind, slowing fracturing, although at the time he didn’t realise it, no one did. Perhaps if someone, even James himself, had realised just what was going on in his head, then the events of the future could have been stopped.

When James finally made it to school, he was a shadow of his former self. It had been a whole week since his Grandmother’s funeral, and he had eaten very little since then, so people had noticed that he had lost weight. Dark bags had formed around his eyes, and he walked with a slight wobble. For him, the whole school day went by so fast, it felt like it had only been a few minutes. To him, it was only a blur, his mind far, far away. On his way home, he found that his way was blocked by the person that tormented him almost everyday, Gregory, and his little gang.

“Oh, look at this! If it isn’t the wittle baby jamesy. Still sulking, eh you little cry baby?” Gregory was the most vile, vicious, and cruel person at school. No matter what, no matter what the situation, he would take it, and use it to torture you.

“Shut up Gregory, I’m not in the mood for you bull.”

“Oooooh, it looks like wittle Jamsey grew a pair! Too bad we have to rip them off!” Gregory walked towards James with a wicked smile on his face, and then punched him in the face, sending James to the ground. “Next time, watch how you talk to be.”

James tasted blood in his mouth as he got up, and faced Gregory. An uncontrollable rage filled the boy’s body, something he had never felt before. James closed his fist, and grabbed Gregory by his collar, then began to punch the boy in the face. Fist connect with face at least 7 times, until a loud crunch could be heard. Gregory screamed in pain as his nose bent to it’s right, blood splattering onto James’ face.

“My nose! You broke my nose!”

James kept a tight grip on Gregory’s collar, and whispered into his ear.

“Touch me again, and I’ll kill you.”

I’ll kill you. The moment James uttered those words, a sense of power swept over him. At the same time, he felt sick to his stomach. But the thing he noticed the most was that his thoughts lingered on the word kill the longest. He let go of Gregory, and began to walk away, Gregory’s friends rushing to his side. James thought about the word kill on his way home, and when he got into his house, when he got to his room, he had made a decision. He needed to find out what it felt like to kill someone…to see their life drain, too see them suffer just like he had suffered his entire life, and he had just the first victim in mind.

“I can’t go through with this.”

James was outside Gregory’s house, a large carving knife in his hand. It was pitch black out, and James could hardly see his hand in front him, but he could feel it shaking violently. He peered into Gregory’s house from behind the apple tree in the front yard, his mouth dry, and beads of sweat running down his face. He had been preparing for this moment since he made the decision to take a life three days ago, but thinking about killing someone, and actually killing someone were two completely separate things.

“ I can’t do this…I just can’t do this.”

James tried to leave, but something compelled him to stay, to do what he had come to do. Gregory had been torturing him for years, and now this was his chance to get him back. It was time to give Gregory what he deserved. That’s what James kept telling himself over and over in his mind, but a part of him knew that it wasn’t true.

“What do I do? Can I actually kill someone? Can I actually take someone else’s life?”

Before James could decide, fate decided for him. Gregory stepped outside of his house, and lit a cigarette, gingerly touching his nose, which was wrapped in a bandage. Gregory cursed under his breath as he touched it.

“When I get my hands on that little son of a-”

James moved backward in inch or two, holding his breath. A twig snapped underneath his foot, which brought Gregory’s attention to the apple tree. James hid the knife behind his back as Gregory walked towards the tree, and squinted into the darkness.

“What the hell? Is that you James?”

James tried to run, but his feet felt to weak, and before he could do anything, Gregory had reached into the darkness, and grabbed James by the collar, dragging him from behind the tree.

“What the hell are you doing here freak!? First you break my nose, now your stalking me!?” Gregory pushed James down onto the ground, and spat on him. “Lucky for me my parents aren’t home…now I can pay you back, ten fold!”

Gregory began to kick James in the stomach, smiling at the pain he was causing the boy. Reaching down, he dragged James to his feet.

“C’mon Jamsey, where’s all that fighting spirit you showed me the other day!? C’mon loser!” James felt the same deep anger and hatred he felt the day he had broken Gregory’s nose. Without thinking, without planning, he brought the knife from behind his back, and plunged it into Gregory’s chest. Gregory just gasped in surprise and pain as the knife pierced his heart, blood leaking out of the wound, gliding across the knife, and onto James’ hand. James felt bile in the back of his throat, but he pushed it back as he pulled the knife out of Gregory’s chest. James stepped back as Gregory fell into the grass, dead before he hit the ground. James backed away, then ran, and didn’t stop running until he reached his house. Going through the side gate, he entered his backyard, fell to his knees and vomited on the grass. Collapsing on his side, tears began to run down James’ face, hysterical crying escaping from his mouth.

James’ lay there for at least 10 minutes, before his cries slowly turned into giggles, and then a full out laugh of hysteria. Raising to his knees, James looked into the sky, and went silent. His eyes were wide, and even in the dark, one would be able to see the crazed look in his eyes. The feeling that came over him at that moment was like nothing he had ever felt. The taste in his mouth was no longer that of vomit, but it was as if he had just eaten all of his favourite foods at once. The feeling running through his body was no longer that of fatigue, but of power. And the feeling of disgust in his head was replaced by a feeling of pure pleasure. James got to his feet, and went around the front of his house, opened the door, and entered. James walked past his mother, and up to his room, where he locked the door.

Lying on his bed, he stared at the ceiling, and just lay there for the rest of the night, turning on his T.V. at about midnight. The local news had just begun reporting the death of a young high school student, who had been killed in front of his house. James smiled at the news as the light in his eyes dimmed a little.

James sighed as he closed his locker, and put on his jacket. It had been a few weeks since he had killed Gregory, and sine then, the police had been at the school, trying to find out just what happened exactly. So far, they had no leads, which had relived James. Since the murder, James had not felt the urge he had felt before. He hadn’t felt the urge to kill anyone for a long time. In fact, Gregory’s murder seemed almost like a dream to him.

“Hey James.”

James whirled around, and his heart skipped a beat. Behind him was Lisa Rose, one of the prettiest girls in school…and she was talking to HIM.

“Uh, hi Lisa…what’s up?”

“Well, I won two tickets to see Linkin Park in concert from some radio contest, and I was wondering if you’d like to join me?”

It took James a second to realize that she was asking him out on a date. When he did, he couldn’t believe it, and though maybe Gregory had put her up to it, but then remember that Gregory was dead.

“Oh…yeah, I’d love to. When and where? I’ll pick you up.”

Lisa gave him the time the concert started, and the day it was on, she left, with James feeling a swell of shock and happiness. His happiness continued all week long, even the three days his Mom decided to get drunk, and go on one of her word rampages. He and Lisa met up a few time before the day of the concert, and James was never happier. That is, until, in the back of his head…he heard the whispering.

Kill her…

James tried to ignore the nagging voice, but it was hard. Lisa had never done anything to hurt him, in fact, he felt happy with her…why kill her?

It was the day of the concert, and James and Lisa were at a Tim Horton’s.

“So, the concert isn’t till six. What do you want to do before then?”

James smiled at her, but in his mind he was thinking something that would make you shiver.

I want to gut you…and take a look what lies under that pretty skin of yours.

“Oh I don’t know, hang out?”

James struggled to keep his face calm. He had no idea why this was happening, why he wanted to kill Lisa…but he wanted to. As he was looking at her, he was thinking of various ways of killing her, none all to pleasant. It took every ounce of strength to keep him from dragging her out there, and kill her. Lisa smiled at him, and placed her hand on his.

“You know James…I’ve liked you, for a really long time, but I’ve never had the guts to tell you…and if, you know…maybe…if your interested…would you maybe, like to be my boyfriend?”

James just stared at her for a second. His mind wasn’t functioning properly at the moment. An internal struggle was happening at the moment. Part of him wanted to kill her there and now, and the other wanted to abandon the idea all together, and say yes. He answered while the struggle continued.

“Of course. That would be awesome.”

She just smiled at him. They stayed at the Tim Horton’s for a few more minutes before they left. They headed to the Concert hall, and all the way, there, all throughout the concert, the internal struggle continued. Finally, the Concert ended, and the audience filed out. James and Lisa left hand in hand. Although Lisa didn’t notice in the dark night, James had a blank look on his face. He pulled her towards an ally near the hall, his mind made up.

“James, where are we going?”

James did not answer her. Instead, he let go of her hand, and turned around. They were alone…perfect. James raised his hands, and gripped Lisa’s throat. Her eyes widened as his grip tightened around her neck.

“James…what….what are you doing?” Lisa gasped.

James stayed silent as he continued to choke her. She grabbed his hands, an tried to pry them from her, but she couldn’t. She fell to her knees as she struggled to breath. The last thing Lisa Rose saw before she lost consciousness, before she died, Lisa Rose saw a smile on James’ face. The smile of a monster, the smile of an inhuman, beast.

James let Lisa’s body fall to the ground, her head hitting the concrete with a light thud. A single tear slid down James’ smiling face as the light in his eyes faded even more. James had now truly fallen into psychosis. He felt no shame in what he had just done, in fact, he felt better then he had ever felt before. Yet…he couldn’t help but feel sad, almost…distraught, at Lisa’s death.

As James calmly walked away from the girl’s corpse, and towards his house. All the while, he mind was swimming with everything, and nothing, at the same time. Random childhood memories flashed in front of him, then his Grandmother’s death, the Gregory’s mother…and finally, the atrocity he had just committed. Lisa’s murder. With each memory, James’ mind fractured even more, causing him to fall even deeper into his psychosis. Finally, James reached his house, the smile gone, the tear, long dried. The light of the front porch illuminated his face, revealing a sunken face, deep, dark eyes, and the expression of something…less then human.

James opened the door, and stepped into the house, dropping his jacket on the floor. Walking into the kitchen James opened the fridge, and grabbed a can of pop.

“So…your home. Too bad.”

James closed the fridge door to find his Mother standing there, the licker obvious on her breath. When James’ didn’t answer, she stumbled back to the living room, plopping herself on the couch.

“Great, now my night is ruined. Had fun did you?” She picked up a beer from the table beside her, and took a swig. “So, how long did it take her to realize that going on a date with you was the worst thing mistake she had ever made?”

She laughed at her own cruelty. James remained silent.

“ Nothing to say eh? No surprise. Your not even smart enough to come up with a comeback.”

She continued to look at the T.V. as James came up behind her, his arm raised, a large carving knife grasped firmly in it.

He stood over her body with a blank look on his face, the last bit of light that once filled those light brown eyes of his blinked out of existence. His right hand was covered in blood all the way to his elbow, the knife grasped in it, blood dripping from the tip of the blade onto the ground. The room was covered in blood, blood splattered on the wall, blood soaking the floor underneath her body, leaking out all around her, blood everywhere. She looked liked a gutted pig, the mutilation done to her body was beyond someone full of just rage could produce.

It took the police three days to link James to Lisa’s murder. When they arrived at his house to question them, they were met with the smell of rotting flesh. Breaking the door open, they were met with the horror of the scene. One of the cops gasped “Oh God” under his breath, while the other went to investigate the two figures in the living room. What was left of James’ mother was in the middle of the living room floor. Beside her, was the blood covered form of James, locked in a fetal position. The officers approached him, unsure if he was alive, or dead.

“James? James Vincent?”

James did not answer right away. Instead, he raised his head, a sadistic smile on his face. Slowly, he raised his blood drenched hand, revealing the blood stained blade.

“Are you two next?”
Last edited by Nelo Angelo on Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby BeeAre » Fri Mar 05, 2010 1:17 am

very hard to read right now, I would suggest, for at least the purposes of writing on a forum, to add a line break after every paragraph

like that, see? a line of space to let us read each piece easier. :)
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby Nelo Angelo » Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:44 am

Done.
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby Doctress Who » Fri Mar 05, 2010 11:31 am

That was a really interesting read. I particularly like the repetition you put in at the end, that worked well. Hope you write some more.
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby BeeAre » Fri Mar 05, 2010 2:09 pm

pretty generic serial killer imho

at least it's pretty thematically consistent with its love of killing, despite

but hey kid: you seem to sympathize vocally with the kid too much without giving us any hint to the fact that the behavior is abnormal as viewed from the other characters

to me, this screams that you are writing an almost mary-sue killer to deal with your own ideas about angst (if you don't actually have some yourself).

I note particularly that despite James being a MURDERER and KILLER that he notes that Gregory is the cruelest person at the school. Maybe I am missing out of the subtleties of how Gregory's actions are not simply an over-exaggeration of typical adolescent oblivious cruelty.

you have a brief moral hang up. like. really brief. "fate" takes it away, huh? Seems like YOU the AUTHOR are fate in the case of writing things.

Of course, Gregory is still the cruel one, deserving his death, I guess. Except that's morally reprehensible beyond the simple bullying dished out.

I mean, it's weird. Most people have writing problems in the other direction, but having hang-ups about killing people makes for weird unorthodox mistakes in writing.

You do a decent job of handling the actions, despite a little vagueness that seems to run throughout it, in particular using words like "anything" and "before" and "began" using clauses of specific movement that dilute the sense of what's going on.

oh of course except when the killing takes place. ha ha.

and hey! interesting description of the pleasure of killing people! i wonder how you know! Well, presumably you don't, but you seem to want it to be that good. Aha. Hah. Whoo.

And make sure your character goes crazy! Yeah! I suppose it's cool!

The thing is: no real explanation as to why this motherfucker likes killing people! Huh! Can't really sympathize with him. Gotta give us some kinda reason he's all goofy bloodthirsty

I give it 3 three therapy visits a week out of 5 years
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby Nelo Angelo » Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:58 pm

Well...uh, I'm not really sure how to answer to that. To be perfectly honest, this is the first time I've ever written something like this, so I will take all those suggestions into consideration.
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby BeeAre » Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:50 pm

Nelo Angelo wrote:Well...uh, I'm not really sure how to answer to that. To be perfectly honest, this is the first time I've ever written something like this, so I will take all those suggestions into consideration.


:) your talent is just beginning to manifest, but it is there. keep going and improve!
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Re: Hollow eyes (need new name, suggestions are welcome)

Postby Thy Obsessive Freak » Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:17 am

Ugh I've been one for horrors, never been one for psychology horrors, even though I study psychology! But heck you were doing pretty well writing this, I liked how you make us ask why a girl was dead and then later turns out to be a girl who liked him, pretty evil, yes it's cliché but the way you did it made it un-cliché. Though why did you call him Lisa! That's my littlest sister name, I'll kill you... soon as find out how big you are...

But anyways I think some dialogue when the characters are speaking could use some work, just sounded like a play to me when George was introduced and bullying James whenever they talked. Then when he asks himself whether he should kill or not, bugged me because I felt it could've been longer or better written, but ah well it was a short story you were writing.

Overall you did pretty good at how the mental illnesses affected him. Like I was bugged by Lisa liked him when he was suppose to be a loner, but the fact it was a longterm crush made sense afterwards, I was thinking he was about to get pranked on somewhat like in Carrie, then kills her later then to be honest, but the way you did it was better to note.

P.S. Hope you can read and understand all that, I can just end up dribbling when I'm criticizing most the time :unsure: .
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