The Fight of First Earth

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The Fight of First Earth

Postby Matt-kun » Sun Dec 06, 2009 8:35 am

The fight of First Earth

The year is October, 15 / 2045 , and the world has gone into chaos because there is no more resources to gather any more, the only things left are the rising waters and forests. The main cities are Halla in Canada, Bakor in the USA, Kmehb in Russia, and Berlin the only city that was not taking up by the rising waters on first Earth. My name is Matt and I am a pilot in the international flying institution in Canada 45 miles away from Halla, this is my story of how first Earth went into sorrow.

To be continued.....
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Unlimited » Sun Dec 06, 2009 8:44 am

That was... a bit short.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Matt-kun » Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:03 am

It say to be continued, I am trying to make a some what good book. I still need to think.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Doctress Who » Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:52 am

This looks interesting so far, but I think you should have developed the story a bit more before posting, so that you had more material to post here.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Fievel » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:07 pm

Sounds interesting. Post-apocalyptic stories tend to be, yet yours is mysterious so far. I don't yet know why this has occurred, but I'm betting I will soon, can't say if I like it yet. Not enough information, and I haven't gotten a feel for your style.
Matt-kun wrote:The year is October, 15 / 2045 ,

The first problem. From all the stuff I read, when one starts off like that, the year always come first, like this

The year is 2045, October 15

I know what you meant, but I believe this is the proper way to do things.

Matt-kun wrote:and the world has gone into chaos because there are no more resources to gather any more anymore,

are is more grammatically correct, and anymore is one word in this situation.

Matt-kun wrote:The main cities are Halla in Canada, Bakor in the USA, Kmehb in Russia, and Berlin the only city that was not taking up by the rising waters on first Earth.

Just add a comma after Berlin, unless all of those cities have that condition applied to them, in which case, it still requires a comma, you'd just need to change city to cities.

I'm not doing this to be a jerk or anything. Just to correct. You're next Jas.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Blood Lord » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:15 pm

You see Matt. This is why I don't quite my story.

You see, they do try to help you, you must understand and remember that. They might say their not trying to be a jerk, but their is a limit to "helping" and just trying to find something to bitch about.

Just do your story for fun.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Fievel » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:17 pm

That's why I do my story. And for other people's entertainment. Assuming they read it.

And I'm not being a jerk. I didn't call him a retard or anything, but I think I'm starting to turn into a grammar nazi over here.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Matt-kun » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:18 pm

Why thank you, and I don't mind jerks because they do sometimes help me, it is just the choose to be a dick about it. Thank you Fievel for the miss takes I made in my paragraph I shall fix them at once ^^
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Blood Lord » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:18 pm

I'm starting to turn into a grammar nazi over here.

No shit.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Matt-kun » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:20 pm

Guys please no arguing I this forum, take it else were please.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Matt-kun » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:55 pm

Year, 2020, October 17 .

"Matt wake up you little sleepy head, your test is today!"

Hi my name is Matt and, I am 19 years old, and I am going to become the best pilot there is on earth.

"Holy CRAP!" Matt said while look at the time "I am fucking late!' Matt gets on his clothes, which are: T-shirt, jeans, and boxers.

"Mom why the hell did you not wake me up earlier!" Yelled Matt while getting some toast and eggs out of the fridge.

"I am not mother I am your sister!" yelled Matt's sister "mom is at work and now I have to take care of you, AND I am 14, you need to learn to use your alarm clock"

"Yeah, yeah what ever Adella, well I'm off, wish me luck." said Matt running out of the door.

¨Man, brother really needs to learn about alarm clocks¨ said Adella after Matt left

A few minutes later at the pilot institution, Matt just arrived on his scooter. HE parks his scooter in the parking lot for the students and he hears someone get closer from behind him, so he does a quick 180 and goes for a punch in the for head. The person getting closer dodged, and grabbed his hand and pulled him closer and elbowed him. SMACK

¨ Ouch fuck that hurt¨ Matt said angerly while holding his nose. Matt turns around to see how it is a is ready to knock him out. When he turns around he sees his friend Farcon, an seer. A seer is a person how can read the future, but can only see 5 minutes ahead. Farcon is one of the best seer this school has, other then the teachers that is, but he is also a good friend of Matt.

¨Hey Matt, still easily scared still is see.¨ Farcon says with a smile.

"HAY, I am not easily scared, I just don`t like it when people walk up to me from behind" said Matt shyly

"So even when people jump on your back?" said Farcon

"What is that expose to mean" Matt said totally confused.

Matt hears more foot steps coming toward him fastly. Matt turns around and gets tackled on by no other then Mimi. Mimi is an Galitener which is a person who builds vehicles and creates robots. Mimi is an energetic, 17 year old female genius.

To be continued.......
Last edited by Matt-kun on Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Blood Lord » Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:01 pm

I am going to become the best pilot there is on earth.

Reminds me of pokemon.

Hi my name is Matt and, I am 19 years old, and I am going to become the best pilot there is on earth.

Why is this information necessary?

It does nothing but distracte the main idea. You could have inserted it into a more clever way.
HE

no. He.


I'm going to be honest. You rushed this. You need to take time, decide what you are going to do, look at other examples of literature, and slow down.

You need to paint the picture. Use words that make us "see" the events going on. Stop using blandness.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Fievel » Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:04 pm

Resisting urge to be a grammar nazi...

I agree with Blood, on the pokemon thing as well. A picture is being described, not painted here. You should add more detail and imagery. We don't get a feel for the nature of the surroundings or anything beyond face value.
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Re: The Fight of First Earth

Postby Thiamor » Thu Dec 10, 2009 12:38 am

I agree that you were rushing it.

Take a good while to come up with something.

Unless you're me, then just post what comes to mind :P
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