A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

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A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Caseybearstalls » Thu Oct 29, 2009 1:26 pm

A Hero's Lament ~ By ~ Rhiannon Stalls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Roleplay by americapatriot99 and marymarysmith75 on AIM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ana was just getting home from school, and she put her things down by the couch, then went to the computer chair and sat down, opening up AIM. She smiled when she saw that Spirit was on, and clicked on his username and a conversation box opened up.

alykitkat16(Ana) ~ hey :) (3:10 PM)

hartfordairforce(Spirit) ~ hey :) what's up? (3:11 PM)

alykitkat16 ~ eh, not much....can I get on webcam with you? (3:12 PM)

hartfordairforce ~ sure, but I'm still in my air-force jacket lol (3:13 PM)

alykitkat16 ~ lol okay (3:13)

alykitkat16 has sent a video-chat request. Accept or Decline?

hartfordairforce has accepted your reqest.

The video-chat screen came up for both of them.

Ana sighed, listening to her parents talk as they were getting ready to leave for the plane to Afghanistan.

Spirit smiled, laying on his bed, looking at Ana as she took the moment to look to the hallway, her parents coming into the living room.

"Ana. We're going..We love ya..Bye.", they both said before walking out.

Ana sat back in the chair, then began to cry hysterically.

Spirit sat up, then typed,

hartfordairforce ~ Ana, I'm coming over, stay where you are. (3:20 PM)

hartfordairforce has signed out.

Spirit ran downstairs and out the front door, going to his truck, then drove off. Minutes later he arrived at Ana's house, and he got out and went to the front door, knocking.

Ana opened it, still crying.

Spirit hugged her tightly after he came in. "Ana, what happened?...".

"M-my parents just left for...th-the plane to Afghanist-stan....", she said softly.

Spirit looked down. "Oh...I didn't know Ana...I'm sorry...".

"It's okay...", she said softly. She had begun to calm down, but yawned and lay against him.

"Would it be a good time to go?...", he said, smiling a little.

Ana nodded and stood up straight. "I'll see you tomorrow....", she said softly as he opened the door.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Oct 30, 2009 6:58 pm

An interesting way to jump into a story, but overall it is poorly written.

You do not give much of a description as to what is going on. Heck, there is very little description about the environment, the location, the people, their clothing.

There is also nothing going on. No indication on how they feel, no true dialog, and It isn't interesting!

What the hell is happening?
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Jasthn » Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:11 pm

I see I wasn't the only one that had these same thoughts Blood.

I tried reading this several times, and could barely finish because nothing interesting was going on.

I saw little to no hook at all. And had no idea what was going on most of the time I read this.

AND, there was nothing going on. But I DO admit it IS a diffrent way to start a story, and I must say I will give you some points for that.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
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Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Fievel » Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:14 pm

This reminds me of a series my sister likes to read. I'm not particularly fond of that style, though, as there is little insight into what is occurring in the story, assuming that there was a story. Maybe you should post more than just that next time.
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:38 pm

But I DO admit it IS a diffrent way to start a story, and I must say I will give you some points for that.

It reminds me of those movies that just jump into the plot without any "introduction phases" like Day after Tomorrow.

Annoying as hell.

There is no life within this story.

I recommend a re-write.
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Caseybearstalls » Sat Oct 31, 2009 6:24 pm

Eh...Sorry about that...I know! I can edit sometime so it'll have a little more description! :D That'll make everybody a little happier, I hope?
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Jasthn » Sat Oct 31, 2009 6:28 pm

It would probably be a good idea to do so.
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Caseybearstalls » Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:42 am

Yeah, I will do it, I just haven't had time to lol

Just give me...some time...lol
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Re: A Hero's Lament - Story by Rhiannon Stalls - RP by SH & IWOY

Postby Jasthn » Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:59 pm

Alright. I'll be looking forward to it. ;)
I GOT 'DEM HUMPS.
Doctress Who:You can be my Brony bitch ;D
Droctress Who:Jas, would you like me to make you a sandwich?
JesusChrist: Well if you insist Jasthn I'll use it with you. Spread them cheeks

Tragedy_and_Comedy: Jas is about as dangerous as a kitten.
Blood Lord:I hit your dog with mah truck. :3
Lenore Celestalis:*jumps on your back* weee~
That guy.
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