BeeAre wrote:
read aloud on the radio it is not bad.
read here it is pretty crappy and boring as far as writing goes.
the raw reporting style works when you are describing it vocally as a performance piece or monologue because you can drum up each line with emotions and parses that you can more cleanly convey without need for special texts.
as it stands, you would need to heavily edit the STRUCTURE if not the words of this piece to make it a better thing to read rather than speak.
That's the main gripe I have with this piece. It was designed to be read aloud, allowing the speaker to add more emphasis when needed. This is essentially a test bed for the style, and it sounds good when approaching it as a monologue.
The original was actually in a completely different style, although incomplete. When preparing it for the NPR contest, I took the basic structure and rebuilt it, per se.
Certainly not one of my finest creations, but there are other, longer stories in my collection I can be proud of. I may end up posting one of them eventually.
But thanks for the constructive criticism, BeeAre. I'll be sure to take it into account should I plan on reworking this in the future.