Oasis By Catrlgirl An Original fantasy

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Oasis By Catrlgirl An Original fantasy

Postby catrlgirl » Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:43 pm

I could use some feedback on this. It's the intro to the original fantasy I'm working on. Please be honest and let me know if there are any problem/if you like it or hate/ ways i can improve it.

CHAPTER 1
Born of burning sands

The sand swirled viciously, the wind scattering it into sharp little stinging missiles. The sun beat down in scorching rays radiating oppressive heat over the desert wasteland. All living things, native to this desert, had the sense to hide from the sandstorm that was wiping away the towering dunes in the distance. The lizards, of varying size shape and color, dug tunnels deep under the sand. Things ran for the distant cliffs to shelter themselves from the storm that was growling like a beast and flinging the sand in heavy sheets, then silence. Everything went still. The sand seemed to stop shifting as the wind died. The sun itself seemed to dim and hold its breath in anticipation of what was happening. The heavy pause the desert seemed to be holding stretched on. Then a small patch of sand swirled like a small whirlpool and seemed to solidify into shape, a woman’s shape.

Her body seemed to shimmer as the sand was swept away by the wind. Her skin, a deep rich dark earthy brown, glowed with ethereal power. Soon the glow brightened, trailing off of her and becoming bright, sharp, and beautiful ribbons of gold. The transparent ribbons of energy hovering around the woman fell into her deceptively gently. They seemed to just waft down to her but the ribbons seared black stripes in a swirling patter down her spine and across her hips. The ribbons of energy snapped down like a whip leaving wide slashes of black across her calves. Her shoulders were branded with black slices leading to the spirals on her back. Then the energy dissipated and her eyes opened. Her eyes were a strange clear silver-blue. They looked strange blazing out of her dark striped skin.

“Uh,” the sound was a low rumble that quivered from my unused throat. I sat up, my muscles rippling as I struggled, forcing them to move. All I achieved was an awkward twitch that threw sand into my face. My body refused to coordinate. My arms flailed whichever way they chose. My mind was a fuzzy sponge taking in color, sound, sight, and smell all at once in a disorienting jumble. Everything was new to me, a small woman in the sand.

“Gah,” I croaked. The dry heat was oppressing and the sun was making my bare flesh sting. I longed for something to ease the ache in my throat and the blazing heat. Then as in answer to my request, even thought I had no idea exactly what I was asking for, the sand cooled. Where my vaguely clawed hand twitched, the sand went from blazing hot to cold as a tiny spring appeared. The water bubbled from somewhere beneath my hand spurting up in gurgling burst. I cocked my head quizzically as the substance ran over my hand. “AHHH!”

I scrambled backwards, rolling and awkwardly trying to crawl. The water was spreading into a clear, though sandy, puddle. I glanced at it warily, blinking rapidly on my knees. I crawled back towards it clumsily, slowly learning to make my arms and legs move together. I blinked rapidly, pressing my ear close to the cool water. My full dark lips spread into a smile as I listened to it whisper. The expression’s meaning made no sense to me, but it felt right. It felt right to let my lips curve up at the sound. I giggled, a sharp rough sound, as the water brushed my ears. It felt…., I didn’t know how to describe it. I didn't even know it was any different than the sand all around me. But, something in me said it was important. That it was what I was asking for. My entire being screamed at me that it was saving me from the stinging in my skin. So I waited, blinking and giggling at the little spring continuing to spread. Soon the cool water was wrapping around my muscular, though short, legs. The puddle had become a pool and the pool was becoming a pond and I, was sitting in the center of it as the cool water deepened. Soon I was sputtering and coughing as the water splashed into my mouth. I fell forward, hacking and flailing the cool water sloshing into my long curly black hair.

“HUGHFH!! HUGHF!!” I flailed terrified as my body protested being buried under the small pond's steadily deepening water. My mind screamed through its thick fog of confusion for the sloshing cool substance to... GO AWAY. It obeyed, seeming to swirl around me in a miniature whirlpool. Then I was just on top of it a smooth ripple spreading from my coughing, sputtering, and shivering body.

‘Calm down, you need to let everything go. Take a breath!’ The voice in my mind was gentle and strong it seemed to blow away the fog covering my thoughts. Everything was brought into clear, crisp, sharp, and painful clarity. The light was suddenly too bright. The smells were overwhelming and sent a devious streak of nausea surging through me. I covered my mouth fighting, the sudden urge to retch. The sounds were too loud and frightening making me shriek. Tears came to my eyes. The pain of sensory overload shot though me like a lightning bolt. I writhed and curled in on myself, making the water’s surface ripple. My wailing was horrific until, thankfully, I lost consciousness floating on the glass like surface of the clear lake. I whimpered quietly, squeezing my eyes to shut tight as I could.

Shush, everything is well now. Wake, child, I know it was painful, but it’s over now.’

“Who are you?” My eyes scanned the featureless desert, adrenaline running through me speeding my heart. "Who said that?" I sat up again, groaning at the deep ache buried in my muscles. “What happened?” I looked down at my reflection in the still spreading pond. “That’s me, right?”

My face was soft and round, almost childish, despite the fact I was obviously an adult. I had a single black strip across my cheek. It curved softly to just touch my neck. My reflection also revealed that I was obviously naked. I stood up wobbling, I kept expecting to plummet into the still expanding pond and drown. The black markings burned into my skin, and swirling down my back glowed softly as I walked to the edge of the water to sit on the hot sand. I didn’t care that I was naked, she didn’t even care that I was going to get hellish sunburns if I didn’t find shade.

'Who am I,’ I asked the quiet universe inside my own head. I was hoping the voice that had just taught me everything would answer. But, there was no such revelation. I pulled my knees into my small barely noticeable breasts. I marveled at how easy it was to coordinate my body now. Just seconds ago I had been struggling to even crawl. Now every muscle obeyed every minute twitch I wanted. I took in each sensation: the heat of the sun, the cool of the water, the buzz of things hiding in the distance, and the quiet singing of the wind. ‘What am I?’

I groaned as I stretched my legs back out, I hurt all over. Everything had a name now. Everything meant something each word held purpose. The water licking my feet before, I hadn’t even known what it was but I had summoned it up from the sand. Everything past a few moments ago was fuzzy and hard to see. It was like trying to remember what you thought letters where when you finally learned to read. I just couldn’t comprehend my confusion so I stopped trying. Instead I cataloged what I knew now. I knew the name for everything I could see. Sand, Sky, Water, Horizon, Sun, and skin I knew them all. I knew what I was feeling. I understood that I was hot. I knew that the water helped me not be hot. I knew I was thirsty so I drank. I was tired so I dozed. When I woke the sky had gone black and the blazing sun had been replaced by the pale moon.

“OUCH,” I hissed. The skin on my bare back and legs was raw and burned from the hours I had slept under the sun. I learned something new, I learned pain. It was different from soreness.

CHAPTER 2
Oasis

I, much like when I had summoned the water, wished for something to ease the pain of my burns. However, this time instead of things just changing instantly I saw words flash just behind my eyes. Powerful words.

“Renew?” I muttered it absently wondering why I had just conjured up that random word. The water, my hand was still buried in, glowed. Then it just sort of flowed up my arm, coating me like a membrane. As soon as it rippled over her back the raw skin peeled away bringing relief. Soon the water coated her from the neck down erasing the painful burns on her back and legs. “That healed my burn, right? What other powerful words are there?”

‘You know them… they are part of you. Call to true magic and it will answer you.’

“Please, YOU answer me,” I pleaded. “How do I know this? Who are you? Who am I?” The questions flew out of my mouth in a breathy rush. Silence returned to my mind and I grumbled in frustration. Somehow though I wasn't angry. I knew the vice would answer … eventually. The words fluttered around in my head their power flooding my consciousness. Their meanings, the power they held, the energy they bent, and how they combined and worked were all just there.

I looked around the large pond, no, the oasis.

“Oasis?” I liked the sound of that. Now I had a name.
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Re: Oasis By Catrlgirl An Original fantasy

Postby Q.U. » Tue Jul 28, 2009 2:53 pm

I like it, a decent array of vocabulary, so far flawless sentence structuring and tense usage. Only one thing that makes it confusing, the changes in narration. It shifts from independent third-person to first-person narration, and although at the beginning while the main character, as I assume, is not present yet it ought to be like that, but later on it also changes for a moment without any particular need.

Besides that, an interesting start.
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Re: Oasis By Catrlgirl An Original fantasy

Postby catrlgirl » Wed Oct 28, 2009 7:20 pm

*Bump becasue of an update. Q.U. thank you so muhc for that wonderful review. I really wish there were more people like you. You really gave me the confidence boost I needed to continue this. It took a lot to post it.

A continuation.


Oasis

I, much like when I had summoned the water, wished for something to ease the pain of my burns. However, this time instead of things just changing instantly I saw words flash just behind my eyes. Powerful words.

“Renew?” I muttered it absently wondering why I had just conjured up that random word. The water, my hand was still buried in, glowed. Then it just sort of flowed up my arm, coating me like a membrane. As soon as it rippled over my back the raw skin peeled away bringing relief. Soon the water coated me from the neck down erasing the painful burns on my back and legs. “That healed my burn, right? What other powerful words are there?”

‘You know them… they are part of you. Call to true magic and it will answer you.’

“Please, YOU answer me,” I pleaded. “How do I know this? Who are you? Who am I?” The questions flew out of my mouth in a breathy rush. Silence returned to my mind and I grumbled in frustration. Somehow though I wasn't angry. I knew the voice would answer … eventually. The words fluttered around in my head their power flooding my consciousness. Their meanings, the power they held, the energy they bent, and how they combined and worked were all just there.

I looked around the large pond, no, the oasis.

“Oasis?” I liked the sound of that. Now I had a name. I bent my head sucking water from the cold clear pool. “I need food; I can’t just live on water.”I searched my mind for something to help, but none of the words I knew were of any use. I couldn’t just make food appear. I stood up and listened. The silent desert night was deceptive. There had to be things out there I could eat, right? ‘But what if I get lost? I have no idea how big this place is. WAIT! I know what I’ll do. If there’s a fire I should be able to see it, right?’

But for that I needed kindling. I certainly couldn’t just light the sand on fire. Running from the spring I crawled up the nearest dune. Scanning the distance she scowled before giving up and saying, “There's nothing out here I can burn. Okay,” I said tapping my chin in deep concentration. “New plan it is then.” I racked my brain there had to be something, then I knew.

“Illuminate,” I whispered and my hands were awash with bright golden light. This would work. As dark as it was, I’d be able to see the little light trail I’d leave for miles. My markings glowed softly as I placed as small orb of light between my hands. The orb floated there bobbing ever so slightly as I stepped back. “Good.” I continued to step backwards and the little ball of light just hovered making the sand glow faintly. I tuned, walking away from my safe little oasis and into the giant dessert.

As far as I could see, there was a world of sand and stars. It was silent, but there was buzz of hidden menace and danger. I ignored it and went forward, holding the next ball of light in my hand. There was something out there and I didn't want to get lost out here and fall prey to it. I looked back and could see the first little light orb. I dropped the second one and moved on. My feet shuffled in the sand just underneath it where it was more solid. I climbed the first tall dune and took surveillance. There was a glowing trail of about ten light balls behind me and a vast sea of sand in front of me. Then there was a flash of movement just in the corner of my eye. There it was again. I turned, whirling on the little animal scurrying around my feet and hissing.

"A…, lizard?" The little green thing spat and hissed at me, spreading out its little hood to look bigger.
"Encircle!" The little lizard scurried then crashed into an invisible wall. I could see it though, the glowing little sliver of energy around him that held him prisoner. I pitied the brightly colored lizard, but this was survival and I wanted it and since he had been caught he didn't deserve it. "I can eat you right?" The little lizard glared at me from its prison. The thing wasn't a danger to me as small as he was. And he wasn't poisonous. ‘How do I know that?’I shook my head just taking in the knowledge. Poisonous animals tended to be slow and brave. No need to rush or worry when nothing could eat you. This thing scurried about and scanned like the world was after it.

"Uhm, is this thing edible? Now would be a good time for you to answer me voice? Hello is anyone there?" I rolled my eyes as I stared at the lizard again. "Well hate to break it to you, little guy, but I need to eat and your new name is dinner." The lizard, dinner, snarled and looked at me viciously; his little eyes flicking to the left and right. I could almost hear him asking. "WHY CAN"T I RUN?"

I grinned at the little thing and grabbed him. The circle seemed to waver around my hands as I snagged my dinner. The enraged animal twisted and flailed in my hands. It wasn't slimy like I thought it would be. It was smooth and vaguely hard, a new texture. I was used to the grainy roughness of the sand the cool brush of water and the smoothness of my own skin. The Lizard squirmed, twisting its body in unnatural ways and sank its teeth into the side of my hand.

"YEOW!!" I didn't drop the lizard. No, that is what it wanted. But I was the predator this time and I wasn’t going to let him go. I felt the stinging pain as those sharp little teeth dug into my hand. I let go of its tail and gripped it tighter around the neck. Tighter and tighter, it would have to let go eventually. Then it did. It stopped moving and I pried it off my hand. I held it by its' neck and examined the bite marks on my hand. They weren't deep but they hurt. Luckily the thing had been too small to really hurt me. I could see my dark skin selling and turning faintly darker around the bite. "I hope you're worth that bite." I followed my trail of light back to the oasis. As I passed, each little light ball disappeared dissipating into little sparkles. My first little foray into the desert and I had found some food. Now to make it edible. My claws made quick work of slicing the lizard into bite sized pieces. They were useful after all not just for decoration. Then I left the filleted meat to do some work on how I was going to cook it. If I was right about this, and I was pretty sure I was, I would be eating boiled lizard. The water was perfectly calm and clear.

“Encircle,” I said and I saw the ring of energy from around the small portion of the water I was focused on. “Good, now levitate.” I said it and the ring seemed to separate from the ground.
‘Please work… please works… please work.’ That was my mantra as the ring started to lift.

“YES!” I said, bouncing with excitement and pride, as the ring spread becoming a sphere of energy. It was like looking inside a magnifying glass everything was crisp and sharp in the sphere. The water sloshed and splashed like it was in a deep bowl. I giggled with mad glee as the invisible bowl hovered after me. Apparently, encircle only kept thing in not out. My water seemed to hover like half of a bubble behind me as I walked back to my lizard chunks. "Okay now let's see if this works. I dropped the lizard chunks into the water. I grinned as they splashed, making the water swirl in the air.

"Ignite!" That was a powerful word it summoned the elements, fire in particular, and forced them to do my will. It was strange feeling the power run through me to create a small flame in my hand. The fire danced lighting my face with ethereal energy. The flame was a tiny soul under my command for the time and I was grateful for it. I was not going to make the mistake of thinking I was master over this element because I was commanding it now. No, it was allowing me to command it, and I respected it. Everything I knew told me disrespecting this powerful magic would be my destruction. I concentrated and the little flame in my hand blazed brighter. The air rippled around the flame as the water, and my lizard, started to boil.

The smell made my mouth water and I devoured it quickly as hearty meat broth. That was the first day I survived in the desert.
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Re: Oasis By Catrlgirl An Original fantasy

Postby Q.U. » Thu Oct 29, 2009 1:25 pm

Q.U. thank you so muhc for that wonderful review. I really wish there were more people like you. You really gave me the confidence boost I needed to continue this. It took a lot to post it.

Try taking more confidence from yourself, it's a useful thing to do. You ought to write this for your own enjoyment, and will. If others like it, even better, but regardless of those opinions it still shouldn't make anyone give up.

Running from the spring I crawled up the nearest dune. Scanning the distance she scowled before giving up and saying, “There's nothing out here I can burn. Okay,”

Here you did it again, third person narration randomly in between sentences with first person one. This is the only such case in this part though.

the glowing little sliver of energy

This requires a noun. If silver is your noun it sounds somewhat weird. "Silver wall of energy"?

The story looks good. It's still just waking up really. I'm assuming you have plans for some increase in pace and action at some point, because as seen by the comments, people around here tend not to appreciate writing for writing, but rather plot and action. More ambitious stories rarely happen to get more comments for the first chapters, don't take that as a token of dislike from the readers.
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