This is just a simple poem I found in my journal some weeks ago:

Simple Day

An empty bliss with moving sighs the color of nicotine.
Rubber people come out heavy footed
walking on water like rainbows and Jesus.
Traffic passes by like birds on wheels.
Nature sweats a little blushed and embarrassed
tapping on windowpanes to wake up those inside.
Taffeta flowers stretching wide awake, abloom, walking
in the grass, in the streets.
Lightbulbs flickering as the sky steals its energy.
An omnipresent thief of play.
A sequel to a rainy day.
____________________________________________

My DA account with more writings is here: http://ebo2.deviantart.com/

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"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach

Nothing rhymes.
Except this.

Or makes sense.

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Stufflikehearts - He is a Sith Lord. I love Blood Lord :3
Jeffffey - Blood, you look at the information someone says, look over what really happened, and reply in a way that makes them realize what they were really thinking.
Mythrrinthael - Blood Lord, our local expert in interpretation of The Grim Tales from Down Below!
Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
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Doctress Who - Why couldn't there be a Blood Lord in every forum? It would make life so much easier.
Snafu's Mercypostle.

Wow. That's ignorant. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. A poem doesn't even have to rhyme to be good. Sylvia Plath? Pablo Neruda? e.e. cummings? Rhyme is pretentious enough anyway and usually forced out like the words of a terrorist undergoing waterboarding.

Rhyming can be great sometimes.

But it's not everything.

_________________
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach

Do I really have to break the poem down for you? Jeez...

_________________
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach

Indeed there are some poems that do not follow a rhyming structure.


It's truthful, and it is constructive criticism. What? You honestly thought you would get any?
When you posted it ON SNAFU?


They usually do this.

I do not like your first piece.

I find it odd, it makes no clear sense to the reader, and is badly constructed.

I will however look again into a second piece. One can not judge by one writing alone.

_________________
Stufflikehearts - He is a Sith Lord. I love Blood Lord :3
Jeffffey - Blood, you look at the information someone says, look over what really happened, and reply in a way that makes them realize what they were really thinking.
Mythrrinthael - Blood Lord, our local expert in interpretation of The Grim Tales from Down Below!
Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
Dusk_Imp - Blood Lord is like a celebrity here. Everything he does is pure awesome. ALL HAIL BLOOD LORD
Doctress Who - Why couldn't there be a Blood Lord in every forum? It would make life so much easier.
Snafu's Mercypostle.

is not constructive criticism.

And just because you're not imaginative enough to understand it doesn't mean it's "badly constructed".

_________________
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach

Good point, it needed to be more constructive.


I still stand by this. I want to see what else you have.

_________________
Stufflikehearts - He is a Sith Lord. I love Blood Lord :3
Jeffffey - Blood, you look at the information someone says, look over what really happened, and reply in a way that makes them realize what they were really thinking.
Mythrrinthael - Blood Lord, our local expert in interpretation of The Grim Tales from Down Below!
Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
Dusk_Imp - Blood Lord is like a celebrity here. Everything he does is pure awesome. ALL HAIL BLOOD LORD
Doctress Who - Why couldn't there be a Blood Lord in every forum? It would make life so much easier.
Snafu's Mercypostle.

How harsh BK. Times like this you remind me that you suffer from over-abundance of spare time. :>

And that poem is not entirelly messed up to the level where you can't find the meaning any more. I still have some memories of the truly difficult authors with poems that end up having a different topic for every single person who reads them. This one here is just a description of a summer day with sun and rain.

The only thing I could pick that should undergo criticism is this:

Unless I'm misinterpreting, it should be "steal" and not "steals", or "their" instead of "its" depending on the interpretation.


BK stands for Blood Knight. I'd have assumed you would have know since you're no newbie.

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This post is intended for information only. Please do not reply to this message as responses cannot be read or acknowledged due to the stupidity of the user.

Fix'd, unless you meant to call him "Burger King," which would be silly.

Also, I'm no critic of poetry, but I know that it should be all-or-nothing. If there's gonna be rhyme, it should be consistent throughout and follow a pattern: ABAB, ABBA, AABB, etc. Poetry is also open to interpretation. The reader doesn't have to get what the writer intended.

ONE MORE THING, "FOOLY-bloo," your replies to Blood Lord's criticism (an yes, despite what you say, it is constructive), make me take you less seriously.

I'll be sure to fix that.

\

All he said was someting obvious. "It doesn't rhyme." He might as well have told me that the sky was blue or that cats have tails.

Maybe you all should google "what is poetry". Something that's been taught since Elementary School seems to have passed by your minds.

Pablo Neruda.
E.E. Cummings.
Sylvia Plath.
Allen Ginsberg.

All poets who do not rhyme and yet write poetry.


ABAB is a rhyme scheme. So you're essentially saying that if there's not gonna be rhyme, then it should have rhyme. Have you ever even studied poetry? Have you ever even read poetry?


Right back at ya, "Mathias".

_________________
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach

I meant what I was saying was constructive.

FOOLY-bloo I really don't give a damn about this any more. Your word usage intrigued me, but you won't get off of your podium. We have different views of poetry, and frankly I think yours sucks. I really wanted to see what else you had, but since you turned your own thread into a raving bitch fest, I think I'll decline to see anything else.

Remember. You posted this, you came here. You will get whatever kind of criticism or praise that comes from your readers. You cannot force them to see your point of view. You can talk to them, but insulting them is a great way to discourage people from reading your stuff.

_________________
Stufflikehearts - He is a Sith Lord. I love Blood Lord :3
Jeffffey - Blood, you look at the information someone says, look over what really happened, and reply in a way that makes them realize what they were really thinking.
Mythrrinthael - Blood Lord, our local expert in interpretation of The Grim Tales from Down Below!
Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
Dusk_Imp - Blood Lord is like a celebrity here. Everything he does is pure awesome. ALL HAIL BLOOD LORD
Doctress Who - Why couldn't there be a Blood Lord in every forum? It would make life so much easier.
Snafu's Mercypostle.