FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

Moderator: Mod Squad

FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby FOOLY-bloo » Mon Jul 13, 2009 4:04 am

This is just a simple poem I found in my journal some weeks ago:

Simple Day

An empty bliss with moving sighs the color of nicotine.
Rubber people come out heavy footed
walking on water like rainbows and Jesus.
Traffic passes by like birds on wheels.
Nature sweats a little blushed and embarrassed
tapping on windowpanes to wake up those inside.
Taffeta flowers stretching wide awake, abloom, walking
in the grass, in the streets.
Lightbulbs flickering as the sky steals its energy.
An omnipresent thief of play.
A sequel to a rainy day.
____________________________________________

My DA account with more writings is here: http://ebo2.deviantart.com/
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:43 am
Location: Endzone
Gender: None specified

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Blood Lord » Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:21 am

Nothing rhymes.
Except this.
An omnipresent thief of play.
A sequel to a rainy day.


Or makes sense.
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18964
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby FOOLY-bloo » Mon Jul 13, 2009 11:45 am

Nothing rhymes.


Wow. That's ignorant. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. A poem doesn't even have to rhyme to be good. Sylvia Plath? Pablo Neruda? e.e. cummings? Rhyme is pretentious enough anyway and usually forced out like the words of a terrorist undergoing waterboarding.

Rhyming can be great sometimes.

But it's not everything.
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:43 am
Location: Endzone
Gender: None specified

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby FOOLY-bloo » Mon Jul 13, 2009 11:46 am

Or makes sense.


Do I really have to break the poem down for you? Jeez...
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:43 am
Location: Endzone
Gender: None specified

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Blood Lord » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:38 pm

Indeed there are some poems that do not follow a rhyming structure.

Wow. That's ignorant.

It's truthful, and it is constructive criticism. What? You honestly thought you would get any?
When you posted it ON SNAFU?

Or makes sense.

They usually do this.

I do not like your first piece.

I find it odd, it makes no clear sense to the reader, and is badly constructed.

I will however look again into a second piece. One can not judge by one writing alone.
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18964
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby FOOLY-bloo » Fri Jul 17, 2009 6:09 am

Nothing rhymes.
is not constructive criticism.

And just because you're not imaginative enough to understand it doesn't mean it's "badly constructed".
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:43 am
Location: Endzone
Gender: None specified

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Jul 17, 2009 8:46 am

FOOLY-bloo wrote:
Nothing rhymes.
is not constructive criticism.

And just because you're not imaginative enough to understand it doesn't mean it's "badly constructed".

Good point, it needed to be more constructive.

Blood Lord wrote:I will however look again into a second piece. One can not judge by one writing alone.

I still stand by this. I want to see what else you have.
Last edited by Blood Lord on Fri Jul 17, 2009 4:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18964
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Q.U. » Fri Jul 17, 2009 10:26 am

How harsh BK. Times like this you remind me that you suffer from over-abundance of spare time. :>

And that poem is not entirelly messed up to the level where you can't find the meaning any more. I still have some memories of the truly difficult authors with poems that end up having a different topic for every single person who reads them. This one here is just a description of a summer day with sun and rain.

The only thing I could pick that should undergo criticism is this:
Lightbulbs flickering as the sky steals its energy.

Unless I'm misinterpreting, it should be "steal" and not "steals", or "their" instead of "its" depending on the interpretation.

Fix'd, unless you meant to call him "Burger King," which would be silly.

BK stands for Blood Knight. I'd have assumed you would have know since you're no newbie.
Last edited by Q.U. on Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This post is intended for information only. Please do not reply to this message as responses cannot be read or acknowledged due to the stupidity of the user.
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 3272
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:41 pm
Location: Zerus
Gender: Male

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Mathias » Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:14 pm

Q.U. wrote:How harsh BL.

Fix'd, unless you meant to call him "Burger King," which would be silly.

Also, I'm no critic of poetry, but I know that it should be all-or-nothing. If there's gonna be rhyme, it should be consistent throughout and follow a pattern: ABAB, ABBA, AABB, etc. Poetry is also open to interpretation. The reader doesn't have to get what the writer intended.

ONE MORE THING, "FOOLY-bloo," your replies to Blood Lord's criticism (an yes, despite what you say, it is constructive), make me take you less seriously.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 11856
Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:09 pm
Location: Fire up chips.
Gender: Male

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby FOOLY-bloo » Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:17 pm

Unless I'm misinterpreting, it should be "steal" and not "steals", or "their" instead of "its" depending on the interpretation


I'll be sure to fix that.

despite what you say, it is constructive
\

All he said was someting obvious. "It doesn't rhyme." He might as well have told me that the sky was blue or that cats have tails.

Maybe you all should google "what is poetry". Something that's been taught since Elementary School seems to have passed by your minds.

Pablo Neruda.
E.E. Cummings.
Sylvia Plath.
Allen Ginsberg.

All poets who do not rhyme and yet write poetry.

If there's gonna be rhyme, it should be consistent throughout and follow a pattern: ABAB, ABBA, AABB, etc.

ABAB is a rhyme scheme. So you're essentially saying that if there's not gonna be rhyme, then it should have rhyme. Have you ever even studied poetry? Have you ever even read poetry?

your replies to Blood Lord's criticism...make me take you less seriously.

Right back at ya, "Mathias".
Last edited by FOOLY-bloo on Wed Jul 22, 2009 8:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
~Rorschach
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:43 am
Location: Endzone
Gender: None specified

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Mathias » Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:55 pm

I meant what I was saying was constructive.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 11856
Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:09 pm
Location: Fire up chips.
Gender: Male

Re: FOOLY-bloo: Simple Day G Original Work

Postby Blood Lord » Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:47 am

FOOLY-bloo I really don't give a damn about this any more. Your word usage intrigued me, but you won't get off of your podium. We have different views of poetry, and frankly I think yours sucks. I really wanted to see what else you had, but since you turned your own thread into a raving bitch fest, I think I'll decline to see anything else.

Remember. You posted this, you came here. You will get whatever kind of criticism or praise that comes from your readers. You cannot force them to see your point of view. You can talk to them, but insulting them is a great way to discourage people from reading your stuff.
Moderator

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 18964
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:21 pm
Location: Right behind you.
Gender: Male


Return to Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest