Poetry...

Fan-fiction, short stories, screenplays, poems -- anything text-based really belongs here.

Moderator: Mod Squad

Poetry...

Postby darkfall815 » Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:36 pm

Beautiful

In the hallway I see the most beautiful thing
So warm and full of care
It takes the chill out of the air
Deep and devoid of fear
It makes me want to jump in a happy cheer
I wonder why sometimes people cant see what i see there

Those beautiful eyes so full of care......

I wrote that during school a few months ago.
To Post or not to Post that is the Question.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 245
Joined: Sat May 23, 2009 3:47 pm
Gender: None specified

Re: Poetry...

Postby 14Checker » Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:47 pm

Wow...That's really good.
=Chex=

Image

Cute and deadly...Yeah, I can be both.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 27
Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2009 6:15 pm
Location: You care because...?
Gender: None specified

Re: Poetry...

Postby BeeAre » Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:20 pm

no, it's not very good, there are rhymes that exist but poetry is more easily recognized to be inspired by a combination of the meter and imagery by word choices, rhymes are just sprinklings of a final rhythm to enhance the overall impact of those things (GENERALLY SPEAKING)

let's break it down in a linear fashion, as the poem happens to us:

In the hallway I see the most beautiful thing

first line so far so good it has a rhythm and a point but a lot of the words are just used in saying what happens which is for science papers not poetry unless I KNOW! He is using the number of syllables to establish a rhythm let's go on
So warm and full of care

oh no where did that bouncy rhythm from the first line go oh no, okay maybe the next line will bring back some sort of rhythm
It takes the chill out of the air

augh you just rhymed for the sake of rhyming and really, nothing else you could think of to describe temperature but the basic chilly and warm? where are we going with this, where's the hallway, maybe some colors?
Deep and devoid of fear

ugh that doesn't even rhyme and really this is what we're focusing on to show how the face is beautiful?? I don't get it what's DEEP have to do with being devoid of fear
It makes me want to jump in a happy cheer

oh I see you rhymed fear and cheer too bad the rhythm is horribly skewed at this point and this rolls off the tongue like a ball of glue-covered spikes not very good word choices at all
I wonder why sometimes people cant see what i see there

TOO MANY WORDS ARGGHGHHh and hey why can't they see it they are in a hallway too maybe??? where is the temperature or some sort of quality that enhances the beauty of the face??
Those beautiful eyes so full of care......

oh look there it is and it rhymes and there's almost a rhythm not a bad end but seriously

the theme here is just everywhere, it definitely needs some work to enhance the imagery of the face, if you want to go in the direction of hot and cold to accentuate the beauty, do so, but stick it to me man
Snafu Comics' Forum Alpha Bro, Staff Writer, Editor, Image, and Keeper of the Jar Brain of Secret President. RIP Ku Ku Ku \(-^.^-)/ U Wuz A REAL N***A!!!!!!!
"We're quite aware of this. BR is no happy rainbow face man. He is simply our neighborhood best fucking poster." ~ Warbear
最後の撃は。。。切ない。Puff Most Epic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, The:
BR

User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 5644
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:06 pm
Location: Mississippi
Gender: Male

Re: Poetry...

Postby LovelessReaper » Fri Jul 31, 2009 5:35 pm

it was good i use to write poetry many times in a day but i lost my talent I have been tryin to get it back and I'm doin ok but anyway nice poem but not the best
If i was something other than man I would be a reaper because my passion for death and desruction is frightning to many even my self the world hates me because they cant control me because I am my own being a being of depression death love passion and psychotic http://www.myspace.com/lilblazen and I love grim tales
Image
Image
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:21 pm
Location: 599 hanford cali
Gender: None specified

Re: Poetry...

Postby bbr » Mon Aug 03, 2009 8:32 am

Here Beeare, have a going at this one, you know you want to.

http://bbrtki.deviantart.com/art/Of-Los ... -122313834
A quick work with poor rhymes etc.

Doubtless some can do better, but I had it lying around anyhow.

The raven haired lady, your precious special one.
It would be forever, but her love is now gone.

She is with another, or so you were told.
The message was short, but your heart is now cold.

Thus here you stand, along the train track.
Memories flash past, there is no way back.

Back at the house, it seemed a fine song.
But quite another, to move it along.

The impact seems dull, a great yellow train.
Onward it thunders, you feel now no pain.

You look back and see, the train which has gone.
There on the track, scattered in bone.

Silent you turn, of a grief none now hears.
A soft song is calling, soothing your ears

You turn to the distance, so shiny and bright.
And walk to the darkness, into the night.

Once at the river, you find the grim man.
Step in my boat, and tell me your plan.

You ask him your question, quite hasty and bold.
He will take you across, for only one gold.

You carry no sliver, but still he agreed.
Thus goes your spirit, from this world now freed.

Entry you find, at the rusted iron gate,
Down the gray track, without your soul's mate.

Hindside the gate, there seem quite a few.
Perhaps we'll meet again, in another life, anew.
User avatar
offline
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:06 am
Gender: None specified


Return to Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider] and 1 guest