JonneC: Original Poems: Pg 13

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JonneC: Original Poems: Pg 13

Postby JonneC » Wed May 27, 2009 9:09 pm

All poems in this thread are original works by me. Most of them were done roughly 2 years ago.
This tends to be my most popular poem, though I can't say it's my personal favorite.

Emily McCartney

I sat upon moist dirt,
Long after the crowds fade,
Staring at this gray-stone,
Your beautiful name engraved.

Inside my knees I sobbed,
Hiding from the world,
That is when I heard footsteps,
I looked up; it was a little girl.

She sat right down next to me,
Staring at my face,
It's pride long gone,
And in a timid voice she whispered to me,
"Miss Lady, what's wrong?"

"My lover now sleeps under that dirt,"
I croaked without thinking, turned away in shame,
"No children to hold, or friends to cry, or family to mourn with,
He left me here with no one to love,
He left me here to walk alone."

With a finger pointed,
Upon her tiny chin,
The childs eyes grew bright with delight.
She leaned over,
Pressed her lips against my cheek,
And announced,
"I will love you, Miss Lady, now and forever more!"

And then she stood and patted,
Her poka-doted dress,
"But right now Mama is expecting me,
Don't worry! Miss Lady,
I'll come again tonight,
To tuck you in,
And kiss you Goodnight,
Just like Mama does for me."

With that, she walked away,
And, had my eyes deceived me?
As she left, she began to fade,
A transparent little body,
She disappeared in front of a stone,
That read "Emily McCartney."


I've always had a soft spot for these two poems;

Heartbreak

Love is but a song,
Sung by Angels in Heaven,
With a mellow, doleful Melody.
For fallen hearts,
Blood drenched,
Soar above to rapturous hands, the
Angels, weeping whilst they croon,
Mending to their best,
They send the hearts back,
With unfix-able little cracks.


Cry Wolf

To what sin brought forth
This shadow, resting upon a tree,
A demon who weeps at birth,
Yet gory deaths shall bring it glee?

We hear his vile laughter grow,
As you stand over the corpse of your mate,
Her blood, your tears, puddling in the snow,
My how he grins at such tragic fate.

Merely stars, we're condemned to standby,
As he giggles and gazes with his one red eye,
Cheering "Cry wolf, cry."
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Re: JonneC: Original Poems: Pg 13

Postby Thiamor » Thu May 28, 2009 9:32 am

Hmmm...nice.
You should like...read my story on the last page of my Thread :P
Working on another story other than Hellfire, called Geistauge, which can be found here.
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Re: JonneC: Original Poems: Pg 13

Postby FOOLY-bloo » Mon Jul 13, 2009 12:12 pm

In Emily McCartney, it would be better if the meter and the rhyme scheme stayed the same because it's really messy right now like a blob. And the little girl is just randomness. She doesn't really add any substance to the poem. It's just, "Hey, be happy. Kthxbai."

I have nothing to say towards Heartbreak. Not because it's bad or anything. It's just simple with no metaphors or real message (though who said poems need messsages?).

In Cry Wolf you use the comma incorrectly a lot. A LOT. I really like the first stanza though. The wording and the rhyming. It's interesting. The whole thing is actually. I think it's the best one. :d
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us."
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Re: JonneC: Original Poems: Pg 13

Postby Blood Lord » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:44 pm

Not bad.

Emily McCartney: Is great. Some rhyming conflict, but the image and picture where very clear.

Heartbreak: Meh. Its not bad, but could be better.

Cry Wolf: Was great. Best of them all, because it was descriptive and had a beautiful flow to it. There was several comma mistakes, but it didn't dampen my score. Tis brilliant.
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