The Empty Room. Last page.

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Re: New story, skip to the bottom post.

Postby Thiamor » Sun Apr 19, 2009 5:37 pm

*Edited; at bottom of page*
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Re: New story, skip to the bottom post.

Postby Thiamor » Mon Apr 20, 2009 1:53 am

I'll add onto it later, but a little time to explain somethings. Easy to find out that the Messenger is going against orders. The power core thing that I mentioned is where all power is controlled and where the leader is located. Take that out, and the battle there is over. Since it's the head base, every other base is affected by it's take down.
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Re: New story, skip to the bottom post.

Postby Thiamor » Mon May 11, 2009 10:03 am

*Edited*
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Re: Disturbing childs book/ poetry. Last page.

Postby Thiamor » Wed May 20, 2009 1:54 pm

*Edited*
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Re: Night *Last page, bottom story*

Postby Thiamor » Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:33 pm

*Edited*
Last edited by Thiamor on Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Night *Last page, bottom story*

Postby Thiamor » Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:41 pm

*Edited*
Last edited by Thiamor on Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Night *Last page, bottom story. Needs Critique*

Postby Thiamor » Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:53 pm

Soon to be updated. tomorrow, actually.
Just a little bump.
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Re: Night *Last page, bottom story. Needs Critique*

Postby Thiamor » Thu Oct 22, 2009 1:14 pm

*Edited*
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残酷な夜 (They said it means Savage Night) *EDIT*

Postby Thiamor » Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:41 pm

Image



-The Introduction to Hell-



BETRAYAL



- Thunder claps off in the distance while the rain starts to pour. Bodies lay scattered throughout the field, lying limply by their sides, swords; each broken in two while covered in blood. The battle that had just taken place was not just some usual battle, nor was it anything to take lightly. This was the first step of many in the plan of the over-throwing of the system in which governs the lands. If the system lays defeated then the chaos lurking in its shadow will shows itself, to feed on the helpless that stand in awe of the wake. Everyone is governed by some sort of system. They run their daily lives based on a system that they had picked up some time in their life. May it be by their parents or what have you. We'll rewind to the battle, to see what truly went on.... -









-Chapter One: Feeding the Flames-







"They've broken through the blockade of the 9th squad! Order all troops in the Western Check Point to immediately help the wounded! We cannot let them pass on up in to the Center Power Core. The CPC must be protected or all else is lost!"

- The words spoken were from High ranking officer Oryan Mckein Jadeel. He is in-charge of the troops out of and during battle. What's happening is that the rebel group known plainly as 'The Group' has launched an all out attack on the head base near the Jhio Mountains. As the orders were given, the messenger from another base arrived with some highly classified, highly important information for the Officer. A tone of the up-most importance was lingering in his voice as he spoke the words that would change everything forever. -

"Sir, our scientists have been working on a secret project funded by the one known as 'Head Captain' He asked us to tell you so that you may can finally use it in the battle. It wil--"

He was interrupted by the Officer quite quickly.

"Will what!? Hurry yourself up why don't you!?"

The Messenger replied to him with...,

"It's magic, sir. We've discovered a way to use Magic, and the first experiment was a huge success. We can create and use Fire, Lightning, Water, Wind, and Earth against the Group...”

"Wha--what do you mean!? We've the ability to now use Magic!? Did you ever think that it will drop out of our hands and be used by the enemy!? Just make sure that it's safe and have an -officer- trained for this start to send it over our way!"

The Messenger turned away from him and began to leave, right towards the exit tunnel created; it connects all of their bases together;

"Yes sir, right away sir!"




Chapter One: Part One ( Messengers; Low-Life Beings)



The Messenger that left the Mountain Base is now already nearing the under-water Base of Darme. This base is where the experiments for Water Magic is taking place, and while the Messenger is nearing the North Gate entering from the Tunnel, crashing waves can be heard off in the distance, and voices of men and women can be heard yelling orders and status reports. One thing is easily noticed. That being -level 9- wave is being yelled quite a bit. An alarm can be heard, which is a sign that someone is approaching the base's gate. The North Gate starts to slide open, and the Messenger enters and begins to speak out loudly;

"Report coming from Head Base Jhio. They need the Magic ready and locked up for transfer in three days. I'll head from base to base picking up the Capsules in which they will be carried in."

Without any silence the head water scientist spoke up.

"The Messenger...is the one picking up the Magic of highly dangerous weapons meant for War? Well, if you say so, we'll let you do it."

The messenger turned slightly towards him and had a look of pure contempt upon his face. A dark wind will blow, and it will be shown to flicker in his eyes.

“Thank-you sir; you won’t regret it. I will make sure all is carefully transported to its desired location.”

He started back out towards the tunnels, towards yet another base.

“There is something odd about that messenger. An oddly aura is surrounding him; a darkness shines in his eyes. It is a scary feeling.”



- The idea that evil is hiding about every corner, lurking in all darkness, readying itself to attack scares even the manliest fellow; those that you cannot see is that which is the scariest of all. Death: The Angel of Neutrality; It sneaks upon us, like a cold chill, like a shadow upon a camp fire. We await our fate, even if it scares us, to pass on like all others. But there are those who refuse to accept it, and will fight it, only to become demons of life, instead of Gods of the new world.
-

“The Messenger has arrived, lord; shall I point him towards your direction?”

A voice in the darkness is what’s being heard; Spoken so well, yet deep and dark. It’s storming pretty heavily and you can hear the rain drops hitting the roof of the building; besides that, it’s dead silent. No response from this so called lord. Not so much as a grunt let alone an order. The one who’d asked the question was just standing there, not moving, nor was he barely breathing; and then out of no-where he finally replied with a deep, meaningful reply.

“Do as you will, for I will judge you by your actions. You needn’t be scared unless you harm all of us and halt our operation; which if that’s the case, I’ll be the executioner and the undertaker! So, please, do what you think is best for us. Think of myself and your one-thousand brethren!”

So with that he took his leave, to go get the messenger. He returned several minutes later, along with the messenger.

“Sir, I need only your presence here at this time. It’s a rather important conversation needing to be had.”

The Lord signaled for everyone to leave; the messenger commenced with his needed conversation.

“I went along and gathered up the Magic as I said that I would do, Zack, and no one suspected a damn thing. I told you that I’m rather good at acting…even though I hate playing a part of such a low-life piece of scum. A MESSENGER! Come the Hell on! I am the greatest Warrior and actor of all time! Why should I play out the role of such a low-life being!?”

his voice would continue to rise to the point nearing a nuisance.

“Reiyu, you need to calm down. If you get any louder, the people will hear you. Remember, we’re trying to use them so that we can use the Magic. So please for the love of God…calm down. We don’t need you ruining things just because you’ve been given the role that you hate. Suck it up and get the job done.”

A knock was heard at the door, following a questioning voice of the Chancellor.

”S-Sir, are you ready for us to enter the chamber? We’ve serious business that only you, the Lord, can decide on.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"So, the time hath come for us to make our move onto the Capital; This is it, men. The battle that this world has yet to have witness. This is the battle of utter despair. We're to make our enemies cower in their own filth. What retched beings they are. Tomorrow, we make our MOVE!"

- With that, the wheel of fate was set. This is the battle of any and all centuries. The final setting was set, and the world is to soon be the icon of all fear, all hopelessness, and all despair; in one day, blood will be the color in ones' own mind.-


Chapter One: Part Two (What the Future Holds)



In a dark, empty room, filled with nothing but one person, a voice is being heard, but not seen. This is the darkness that cringes the very soul of all who has to withstand it.


"Someone like you...someone like you would never come to understand what I'm trying to create. The world in which I've visioned; a world filled with power, but no one able to over-throw that power. A world that has no orderly System, and no high power other than the power meant to imprint fear into the hopes and dreams of all that live in this world. No, someone like you wouldn't understand that, nor would you ever welcome it into your life. You're the type of self-centered, selfish leader who wants nothing more than order for all. You'd rather have someone governed than to live freely amongst others in a civilization. You, sir, deserve to die, and I will make sure that this comes to pass."

"You won't get away with this"

The man in the darkness spoke. With pure confidence and nothing nearing the cold, emotion known purely as fear.

"Oh, so how can you know of this? You cannot see into the Future, nor anyone other than my rebellion. Now, tell me how you know of this, when I know for a fact what's going to happen; hmmm?"

The dark room grew quiet, then a faint, delusional laughter cold be heard, growing louder with each passing moment.

"How do I know? Did you really ask such an idiotic, moronic, pitiful, pathetic question? Do you forget who you're talking to? Perhaps I should remind you, hm?"

The room grew quiet once again for only but a few seconds and nothing more.

"Oh don't you start at me with that! Every time something happens that is caused between either you or I, you always use that as some-type of excuse. What? Is that some kind of safety word for you? Does that excuse add meaning to your oh so bad, meaningless life? Don't you -dare- try to use that excuse anymore, you hear me!? I haven't forgotten you, nor has that fact gotten in my way to halt any of my plans. You won't get in my way this time.....brother.

"Oh, so you didn't forget. I'm filled with so much joy that my own brother didn't forget, while at the same time, still planning on going through with his plan to over throw the world; and while doing so, trying to kill me in the process. I'm filled with so much happiness, that I may over-look the whole "Evil" aspect of your character. Thank-you so much for your warm welcome and kindly-consideration, brother."


- The die has been cast, and the story being unfolded. Though many things cannot just be told and described so easily. What has been taking place was a battle between brothers; one whom has been captured and brought to an unknown base for 'questioning' and torment. We find everything taking a turn for the worse. But what's in store for them won't be anything close to being expected.
The Red-Skies are spreading, and soon the fear will grow. -



(The one talking that doesn't have a name, as in the narrator, is an actual person who is talking about what's already happened. It's a female. She is a mystical being who helps in the main plot of this. I even will try to get this turned into a Manga, due to the fact I have the money for it as-well as I know people.)
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Re: Night (Last page, last post)

Postby Thiamor » Mon Nov 09, 2009 10:00 pm

I'd rather have some opinions and what it is that I could do to make it better. I know it sucks, so I know there a lot of things that I could do to make it worth-while.
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Re: Night (Last page, last post) How is it?

Postby Thiamor » Tue Nov 10, 2009 9:12 pm

Slight bump
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please.

Postby Thiamor » Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:09 pm

Another slight bump; going to try to update soon...and hopefully I’ll get some opinions and help that is needed.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Thiamor » Wed Nov 18, 2009 2:01 pm

Slight Bump.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Guardian » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:44 pm

Alright, your "bumping bump-ness" as drawn me forth.

I do like it. It is interesting but I'm lost on two things.

1: What are we playing with here? It sounds like a swords/fantasy thing, but with Walkie-Talkies.

2: This is a problem I have with a lot of the work posted here, but who the hell is talking?

Interesting, its detailed and I can kinda draw that picture in my head, but I think you need to be more descriptive.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Thiamor » Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:13 am

Blood Lord wrote:Alright, your "bumping bump-ness" as drawn me forth.

I do like it. It is interesting but I'm lost on two things.

1: What are we playing with here? It sounds like a swords/fantasy thing, but with Walkie-Talkies.

2: This is a problem I have with a lot of the work posted here, but who the hell is talking?

Interesting, its detailed and I can kinda draw that picture in my head, but I think you need to be more descriptive.


Thanks. I knew you'd be...in here sooner or later.
I did the bumps because without opinions I don't know where I need to go. So I kinda got stuck.
The ones talking...well...is a mix of a narrator and the people. I usually try to put a name in the description when someone is talking, but I need to make that a bit clearer; if that makes sense all in all.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Thiamor » Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:57 pm

*EDITED*
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Fievel » Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:35 pm

Here are my critiques:

1. Try to avoid using the words be (and its conjugations, ie. was, is, were, etc.), would, should, and could in your paragraphs. In dialogue, however it is okay, and in your non-dialogue italicized paragraphs, it actually works well, though some can still use some work.

2. Replace those words with action verbs. By replace, I don't mean literally replace, I mean alter the sentence in a way that makes it not require the use of passive words (the ones mentioned in the first point). Passive words aren't necessarily bad, but overusage causes the reader to either be disinterested, or creates a weak voice for the story.

3. Your dialogue is good, I wouldn't recommend changing it too much, unless you improve it or decide to add more personality, which is unnecessary.

4. You need to be more descriptive. We have no idea what's going on, as the story just started, but by adding more detail to the surroundings and the people, we can get a better feel for the urgency of the situation.

I meant to read and critique this a long time ago, but I had forgotten to do it until now. Just follow these guidelines and you should be good. By the way, I like it so far, but making some changes certainly wouldn't hurt.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Thiamor » Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:32 am

Well thank-you a lot.

It's a slight working over from the original plan(to make it flow more naturally), and, I only write when I'm listening to music so it gives me more ideas and gets' the creative juices flowing. It also makes the action section of this seem to pop out as I'm writing it. I've got someone who wants to turn this, as-well as quite a bit of other things that I write, into Manga works.

I've also decided to quit calling it just plain-ol 'Night' and now I'll be calling it 'Savage Night'
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Fievel » Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:41 am

Thiamor wrote:It's a slight working over from the original plan(to make it flow more naturally), and, I only write when I'm listening to music so it gives me more ideas and gets' the creative juices flowing. It also makes the action section of this seem to pop out as I'm writing it.

I also like listening to music when I write, mostly for the same reasons you do.

Thiamor wrote:I've got someone who wants to turn this, as-well as quite a bit of other things that I write, into Manga works.

Lucky. I've got several ideas I'd like to convert into mangas and the like, but drawing takes too much time for me.

Thiamor wrote:I've also decided to quit calling it just plain-ol 'Night' and now I'll be calling it 'Savage Night'

Sounds more intriguing. I originally neglected to come here because I thought I'd have to read through several pages of work, but I decided to anyways and then next thing I know, it's nowhere near as much. Anyways, I'll be reading from now on and offering my opinions (if you want them).
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Thiamor » Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:59 am

Sure thing. I also will only update that one post that has it on, on this page, until it reaches it's word cap. Then I'll go down one and edit the post under to be the continuation of the story.

Each post that says update, and any other post below the story will slowly be converted into the story after each posts' word cap is reached :P

I listen, a lot of the time, to Japanese music of differing kinds. Mainly J-Rock. It just is more....there. It's awesome to write to.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Fievel » Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:02 am

Those are going to be some long posts then, and some long pages, now that I think about it.

So when you add a new part, you'll leave it in a separate post until you deem it good enough to go with the rest?

I mostly listen to calming/quieter music or music that relates to the story when I write.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Thiamor » Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:19 am

It was like that, but now I'm sticking to posting all of the story on one post. Right now it's the one you read on.
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Re: Night - Last Page - Opinions and Help Needed Please (Meh...)

Postby Fievel » Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:24 am

Ah, I see. So will the story always be on page 2?
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Re: Savage Night

Postby Thiamor » Thu Jan 14, 2010 10:52 pm

Well I found someone who's willing to make my story into a manga when he gets the time, and I complete a bit more of the story. Well he wants to, to get it started early, to see how the first stages of it will look.
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Re: Savage Night

Postby Thiamor » Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:15 am

Other story is on hold. This is one I just now came up with, recently.

It's called 'The Empty Room'

Long ago, a house was built; such a house that glared up at the moon, and down at the resident. This house seemed to have been created by a mad man who's vengeful nature seemingly crossed over onto it's unnatural beauty. The house became a landmark for all tourists to behold. The beauty attracted many people, far and wide, which varied. Though the man who built this rich piece hated those there whom only wish to gawk at his land.

The man then decided that there was but only one way in going about fixing this unwanted burden. That plan was to kill those whom step on his property. No matter who the person. No matter what the reason or cause. They all shall die.

This man died 20 years later, and the mysterious disappearances right along with him. Many say it was from an illness; many others say that it was his house. More specifically, one man says it was this small, empty room. He was locked in there for days, whilst other people, piled on the floor, rot away, or so he said.

This man, many, have deemed mentally unstable, insane, to say to those who don't know the term. He is now in the care of the best mental institution in the world. They kept saying that the man mumbled words. Most that no one could understand. But one comment he was saying, everyone could understand. "The Empty Room."

150 years have passed, along with any trace of the files of the crazy, deranged man. Reason being is that the same Institution burned down to the ground, during one cold night. Everyone was killed in that fire, and the strangest thing was noticed on the charred walls of the building. "No one gets out alive." No one knows what that means, nor do they have any idea whatsoever of who it was that put that on the walls. They figured one of two things might have happened. A lunatic escaped and burned everything down and left a signature, or there was some sort of supernatural happenings going on. They chose the first one, because the reasons matched up much easier than "pissed off ghosts killing idiots."



*Taking a pause and posting this part first. Leave some comments. Hopefully I'm better at writing Horror than what I have been writing. I'll go BACK over everything (later) to make sure there are no screw-ups. If you wish, post anything you've spotted that is typed wrong. Such as wrong words, typos and whatever else that you feel like pointing out."
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