Blood Lord: Star Wars Knight Fall: DEAD

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Blood Lord: Star Wars Knight Fall: DEAD

Postby Blood Lord » Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:09 pm

Star Wars Knight Fall: A tale of a young Mandalorian Jedi, Vaco. He wants to become the best Jedi ever, but will such a desire turn him into what he is sworn to fight?

The Rating is pending on this.

I have two versions, one that is PG-13, and another that is R.
Last edited by Blood Lord on Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:16 pm, edited 12 times in total.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Blood Lord » Tue Dec 23, 2008 7:04 pm

Sorry, this isn’t a ‘real’ update (or start) but some notes and stuff.

1: This story begins at the closing of the Mandalorian Wars.
2: The story is about a young Jedi named Vaco who struggles with his heritage of being Mandalorian.
3: I’m trying to get the combat parts to be like the ones in Force Unleashed.
4: Lord Revan will be in there.
5: If you are familiar with GT a certain 'lady' will appear.

I need some help, primarily in some Names, so if you have a good name and character I will put them in. Some of the members will also star in it as well, either as main characters or secondary. PM if you want in, or have a great idea.

PLEASE POST.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Jilak » Tue Dec 23, 2008 10:00 pm

Sounds like a good idea. I kind of have a character, but no name, so sorry I can't help you there.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Blood Lord » Fri Dec 26, 2008 6:31 pm

I can take a character without a name, just PM me.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Blood Lord » Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:48 pm

Good news, Bad news.

Bad news: This isn't a update (or start). I have been stuck on the beginning of the story and I left my thumb drive at school.

Good news: I promise a update tomorrow around four....or by Monday.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Kusang_Manalo » Sat Jan 17, 2009 9:05 am

LoL wut? Some on in GT? You just spoiled it!! D:<

Looking forward to this, though :D
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Blood Lord » Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:21 am

Kusang_Manalo wrote:LoL wut? Some on in GT? You just spoiled it!! D:<

Looking forward to this, though :D

lol , I don't believe I have ruined my secrets just yet.

I will get it up as soon as I can. The beginning is going to be...odd.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Jan 28, 2009 6:46 pm

I have great news. AN UPDATE!

I am so sorry to those I have keep waiting.I kept finding things I wanted to change every time I looked though it. I hope you will find it enjoyable.


Chapter I: Establishment

“Are you sure about this my Master?”

“After all that has happened, after all that we have planed- have done, now you question me?”

“…N-n-no my Master. I will stand ready.”

“Good, my apprentice. You shall see that I am right, for the truth is written in blood.”
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Location: Unknown
(3,960 BBY)

Vaco snapped out of his trance, and carefully edged himself over the edge of the platform, looking down into the darkness. The pouring rain and howling wind made it next to impossible to find some one here, but it made it easy for him to hide as well. He knelt there, on the edge of the platform, and began to stretch out in the Force, feeling for his enemies. Vaco quickly felt a strong warning in the Force from behind him; quickly he stood up and brought his lighsaber to bear. That was as far as he got, when a large Force Push sent him sprawling into the darkness below.

Pain erupted though out his body as he slowly got to his knees. He looked around, in the cold darkness for the familiar silver hilt of his lightsaber, spitting as a warm copper taste slowly filled his mouth. He spat the blood out and observed his surroundings, ever mindful of the lurking danger. Right in front of him he saw the snap-his of a green blade, then a yellow one, twin blades of blue followed, and finally a fan of orange, lighting erupted in the clouds below, illuminating their surroundings. Vaco caught a faint gleam of silver just a few meters from him; he quickly summoned the lightsaber to him and barely brought it up into a defensive stance, steam hissing off the burning blade. The four sabers stood there, their masters hidden by the darkness and robes.

Lighting flashed again, this time thunder rolled in its wake. “Wait only four…then were did the fifth go?” Vaco thought to himself as he glanced at his enemies.

Vaco held his ground as he watched the wielder of the double blue blades approached from the right, the visible signs of a Zabrak were coated in a bight blue. Orange and yellow blades glided to the left, looking for an opening in his defense. Vaco settled into the opening stance of Ataru.

“Ready to die, Schutta!” yelled the Zabrak, as he leaped at the apprentice, double blades of blue spinning down. Vaco meet him in mid air as their blue blades locked together.

“Ready to die again?” asked Vaco. He then broke the lock and shoved the Zabrak back towards the green bladed figure. “Form Zero isn’t allowed in here!” yelled Vaco. The person holding the green lightsaber smiled at Vaco and in response, grabbed him and hurled him into the ground. Vaco hit the ground and rolled, and was swarmed in fans of yellow and orange. The blades had a hypnotizing hum to it, as Vaco continued to whirl around, blocking and striking. Despite his best efforts, he barely kept his defense up, he slowly felt his already diminished strength falter. While fending off both blades, he failed to notice that the Zabrak was charging at him until it was too late. He cried out in surprise instead of pain, when the burning blade struck his left arm.


Vaco whipped out of the way of the terrible beast, clutching his wound, he glanced around for some kind of leverage he could use to win. Then a wild idea struck, if it worked, then maybe he could take out their leader. Gathering as much of the Force as he could, he compressed it into a tight ball, and then released it out in a repulse, sending his would-be-killers flying away from him. He Force Ran to the green lightsaber and was so close to performing the killing blow. Arm raised and a meter away, before getting blindsided by a large object and smashed into the floor. He laid there for a while, before slowly sitting up, the rain still falling. His heart sank as he watched his weapon land in the hands of his enemies. They all slowly approached him, yellow and orange flanking him, the Zabrak in front of him, and the leader stayed back.

“Ha, not so confident are we!” yelled the Zabrak. “Such a shame too, I was looking forward to breaking a sweat!” He spun his double bladed lightsaber around and brought it crushing down onto Vaco. At the last moment, Vaco rolled out of the way, and brought a swift kick to the beast’s back, he leaped up from the floor, and stood in a defensive stance. Even in the dark rain, Vaco could see the shock of surprise ripple though his foes.

“Well, looks like I won’t be disappointed after all.” Muttered the Zabrak.

He then charged the Jedi, in hopes of a quick victory, but Vaco did the last thing anybody expected. He stepped towards the charging juggernaut, and grabbed the lightsaber. Shock registered on the giants face as Vaco attempted to wrestle the deadly weapon from the giant’s control, the rain only made it slipper as he fought for it. They tugged back and forth, as the other members of the Zabrak’s company yelled words of encouragement, and tried to find a way to aid their friend. They spun and twirled around each other, seeking a way to rid the other from the lightsaber. Four times they nearly broke the bond, each one ending with some kind of wound.

“I said it once, and I’ll say it again. LET GO OF MY DAMN LIGHTSABER, IT”S MINE!” roared the Zabrak in primal fury.

“And. As. I. Have. Told you,” struggled Vaco. “You talk too much.”

They fought back and forth, the Zabrak using brute strength, Vaco using his smaller size. A quick plan developed in Vaco’s head. He whipped himself into and under the giant’s defense so they were both facing the same way reversed his grip, and tucked in his chin. The massive being saw what was happening and attempted to choke Vaco with the handle of the double bladed lightsaber. In one swift motion the human rolled his shoulders over, and twisted hard to the left, bringing the still lit blade around and into his opponent’s leg. His foe yelled in pain, and released his left hand from the hilt. Vaco spun out still holding the now deactivated hilt, and brought his other hand in a fast open palm strike to the Zabrak’s chest. The being grunted as the air left his lungs, and lost his grip on his weapon. Vaco ignited the blade, brought it spinning around and stabbed it right into the chest of the man who only a few seconds ago, wielded the same weapon in hopes of victory.
Last edited by Blood Lord on Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR UPDATE!!!

Postby David_Kaung » Wed Jan 28, 2009 7:15 pm

NICE!!!!! :grin:
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR UPDATE!!!

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Jan 28, 2009 7:19 pm

Thank you.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR UPDATE!!!

Postby Q.U. » Wed Jan 28, 2009 7:25 pm

The pouring rain


Apparently constant looking through it will make it hard for Grammar Police to find anything "illegal" in it.

Could have sliced the enemy to pieces limb by limb instead of just killing... oh well. Light sabres are a potent tool for fulfilling one's sadistic needs.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR UPDATE!!!

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Jan 28, 2009 7:33 pm

Q.U. wrote:
The pouring rain


Apparently constant looking through it will make it hard for Grammar Police to find anything "illegal" in it.

Could have sliced the enemy to pieces limb by limb instead of just killing... oh well. Light sabres are a potent tool for fulfilling one's sadistic needs.

lol . That was pointed out by one of my editors. I forgot about it though, fixed now.

I did consider slicing off the limbs, as well as a "Sai tok" defeat. But I went with a "Shiak" finishing move, although it is the Sith variation of it.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR UPDATE!!!

Postby Jilak » Wed Jan 28, 2009 10:32 pm

Nice beginning. I like this Vaco guy.
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby Chinaren » Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:12 am

Okay, I've read this. It's not bad, but you have two main flaws to overcome I think:

One is word repetition. There's quite a lot of words you repeat fairly quickly. Try going through and rewriting the sentences in a different way.

The second is there's too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. This isn't a constant throughout, but still probably the main thing to work on.

Some (but not all) points I picked up:


planed

planned.

You repeat "on the edge of the platform" twice in quick succession.

quickly he stood up and brought his lightsaber to bear.

Terrible line! Pure telling, no showing! Make this more colorful, as you have been doing in the previous few paras.

You repeat 'The Force' several times also. I know it's hard when it's... well, The Force, but try rewording so it doesn't happen so much.

Pain erupted though out his body


throughout

He looked around, in the cold darkness for the familiar silver hilt of his lightsaber as a warm copper taste slowly filled his mouth.


This sentence needs splitting up a bit better, maybe put the comma after 'lightsaber'

his surroundings, ever mindful of the surrounding danger


Repetition.

You repeat 'blade' about four times just after that.

...

Keep it coming. 8)
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Re: Blood Knight: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:20 pm

Yeah I have a repetition problem.

I am fixing that on part 2.

Do you have any suggestions in how I could show more, instead of tell more?
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby bob-dude » Sat Mar 07, 2009 6:42 pm

Aside from that problem and the rare misspellings you have a pretty soild story on you, BTW what saga is this taking place in? Pre Clone wars?
Paolini: Characters are born of necessity

Griddles: Well you know I am sadistic... I'll only kill a character when their purpose is served.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby Blood Lord » Sat Mar 07, 2009 7:11 pm

This takes place 3,960 years Before the Battle of Yavin (Star Wars episode IV). So yeah, it is pre-clone wars...extremely pre...like you will only recognize last names pre.

This takes place in the closing chapters in the Mandalorian War, and also the Jedi Civil War. Both wars had Revan. Revan lead the Republic to victory in the Mandalorian War, but became a Sith Lord in the process. He starts the Jedi Civil War.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby APE » Sun Mar 08, 2009 5:06 am

I'm not fond of you using the names of their moves in the beginning of the story. Any good story must be able to support itself.
Instead of "Force Ran" you could use "he used the force to quicken his pace, as he ran towards".
Just don't use those damn move names and it'll be a great story.


On a side note, where did he get the strength to struggle with the big bad sith? He was wounded and tired.


Finally, "the shock of surprise"... Really? I mean... really?
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby Blood Lord » Sun Mar 08, 2009 6:37 pm

Story format for Part II is currently reconstructed so the above post's noted issues are fixed.

I didn't even realize I named their moves, that has been addressed and so is the repetition part.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 1.

Postby Blood Lord » Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:56 pm

I have a good idea I'm going to attempt to do. I'm going to try to post more often, but use shorter update lengths.

I realized this when I found out the second half was four pages long...

So here is update 2 of chapter one.


Lighting and thunder shook around the fighters as he pulled the blade out and stood motionless, as his opponent fell into the water. Vaco himself was dripping with water from the rain. Slowly he looked up into the eyes of the surrounding enemies, each one of them was radiating with shock. This gave him somewhat of a sick pleasure in seeing their fear of him. Confidence grew in him, but he quickly quenched it and looked for a way to escape with his life.

“Your thoughts betray you, my young friend,” announced the green wraith, “I see clearly into your mind, and those thoughts are not of a Jedi. Those are the clear thoughts of a Sith. Your master is truly a failure to you and the order then.”

Blood was pounding in his ears; he tightened his grip on the hilt until it began to creak. Vaco felt the darkness close about them, threatening to engulf him in its fatal grip. His vision became blurry, and his world faded into fiery anger.

“Ohh, did I hit a sore spot?” asked the green.

“Maladen, I would stop it if I were you.” warned the yellow bladed mistress. “You saw what Vaco did to Denarok.”

“I saw it, and the last fights as well Sharyll,” answered Maladen turning his head, “But I have also seen better excuse for a Jed-.”

“Look out!” screamed Sharyll.

Vaco watched in what felt like a dream. He saw himself leap at Maladen, saber swinging with the single intent to end a life. The green wraith stepped away from the wide swing, and effortlessly dodged the next swipe. Anger continued to build up inside him as he swung into the taunting figure as fast as he could move the double bladed weapon. Yet somehow, he continued to stay one step ahead of him. He roared in frustration at his misses, rage overwhelmed him, and he felt new strength flow though him. Fury finally drove him to make his mistake. Maladen stepped forward and grabbed on to the lightsaber hilt. He brought his leg up and kicked Vaco in the chest. Vaco flew across the room and slammed into a towering beam. The hit brought Vaco out of his sudden bloodlust and right into a world of pain. He glanced around looking for his weapon, only to find the deactivated hilt of his stolen lightsaber in Maladen’s hands.

“You did good Vaco that much I will admit.” Announced Maladen, lighting flashed once again overhead. “Fought us five times? And still had enough energy to try and best me. Your skills with a blade and power with the Force are improving very well, but not good enough. Perhaps you would like to try something this is going to hurt you a lot more than me.”

Maladen came close to Vaco, and leaned forward laying his hands on Vaco’s head. Vaco tried to escape the grasp, but it was all in vain as his world slowly faded away.

* * * *

“I’m sorry it had to come to this Vaco, you left me no choice. Please don’t hold this against me,” whispered the fading ghost, as it stepped away from Vaco’s twitching body. “Sharyll, Heldin, please dispose of Vaco so we may continue this day.”

“But-,” started Sharyll.

“I know,” cut off Maladen, glancing at the cringing body. “That you may have feelings against this, against what I just did, but it is done anyway. I have done a great evil, but if you do not strike him down now, he will die. Whatever he experiences in the hell he is now in his brain treats as if it is real. Soon the horrors he will face will take its toll. And kill him. I believe the masters would defiantly frown upon that.”

“Then you do it,” challenged Heldin.

“I have not the heart, even to save a friend from death,” whispered the wraith, glancing down at Vaco, who started to twitch, and mutter incoherently. “Dispose of him now, so we may leave this place behind, and end his pain.”

“Fine then you coward,” replied Heldin.

Maladen turned and walked away, determined not to see the final blow. His thoughts raced over what just happened, then curiously settled on Vaco and what must be going on with in his mind. What is your fear Vaco? Why is it affecting you so much? This troubled Maladen, seeing the effects of such a simple Force technique reek havoc on such a strong student. A blood curling scream, tore Maladen from his thoughts.
Last edited by Blood Lord on Thu Apr 02, 2009 3:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Fievel - Numerous campaigns and conquests, countless bodies decaying after the abandonment of victorious battlefields. Such is the life of Blood Lord.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 2.

Postby Q.U. » Wed Apr 01, 2009 7:28 am

Do you have a beta reader? If not, you could get one, if yes, get another one. :p

“I saw it, and the last fights as well Sharyll,” answered Maladen turning his head


Yet somehow


Your skills with a blade and power with the Force are improving very well


but it was all in vain as his world slowly faded away.


Anyway, it's getting better.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 2.

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Apr 01, 2009 12:50 pm

Meh. Skill doesn't improve over night.

You think two months would, but I will get better at it as time progress.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 2.

Postby Q.U. » Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:33 pm

Meh. Skill doesn't improve over night.

No, it doesn't. But the point of view and the way you see what you wrote does. I'm sure 80% of such mistakes could be spotted if you pre-read it once or twice. The things that should be improving is not spelling mistakes, because most of it comes just by chance and everyone does it, only way to get rod of that is to check your text several times. The real area of improvement is tenses, sentence structure and vocabulary.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 2.

Postby Blood Lord » Wed Apr 01, 2009 2:07 pm

The third part of chapter one is already in the proof reading stages you are talking about, my friend.

If I'm guessing right then it has already reached the fourth editor.
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Re: Blood Lord: Star Wars KOTOR Chapter 1 Part 2.

Postby Q.U. » Wed Apr 01, 2009 4:01 pm

If I'm guessing right then it has already reached the fourth editor.

That one you already submitted was through all of them as well? Because I fail to believe that. Somehow... Especially if you do get Skul to betaread it, the grammar nazi.
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